Ex Boyfriend Putting Strain on Relationship - GF sees no problem

I have been dating my GF for almost a year now. Her ex BF lives in NY - we live in FL. From the beginning of our relationship, my GF was honest about her rocky relationship her ex. She admitted to breaking up with this guy several times when she lived in NY, and even when she moved to FL, only to get back together with him because he kept calling, etc.She even went as far as to say that she has lost several previous BFs because of her ex.

I found out after 4 months of dating her that she was lying about communicating with him - she said she didnt communicate with him any longer - when she was. I confronted her about this and she eventually came clean. At the time it really wasn't a big deal, but I was upset she lied; however the "problem" has evolved quite a bit.

Come July I was to fly to NY to attend a wedding with her. My GF had since told me that she told her ex BF about me and that I was coming with her to NY. A couple weeks before the trip, I found out that he texted her and asked if he could see her when she got to NY. My GF said she texted him back (again) and said she was going with me. Well, I saw the text message and she told him, "maybe another time sweetheart." There was no mention of me.

I confronted my GF with this information - she apologized - and basically stated she didnt want to hurt his feelings. This made me feel REAL good - she was more considerate of HIS feelings than mine.

As you can imagine, this situation was not pretty - and I was very upset. She promised me that she would tell him that she was with someone now and that I was coming with her to NY.

Two weeks go by - we head to NY for the wedding. As we are driving to the Hotel for the wedding, she hands me her phone and asks me to dial her brother's number. As the phone is in my hand, 2 text messages come into her phone. The first says, "Want to F***?" and the other says "Take a picture of your P**** and A** and send it to me."

I am livid - she has obviously not told her ex BF I am with her - and if she DID tell him - WHY would she put up with this and jeopardize our relationship?

Fast forward several months. My GF continues to lie about her communication with her ex BF. She only talks to him when Im not around - usually on her way to and from work. She doesnt talk to him everyday, but at least once a week. She is very well aware that I do not approve of this communication and have since given her, basically, an ultimatem - stop this or lose me.

Another detail that is very bothersome: She always turns her ringer off when she gets home and makes lame excuses as to why its turned off.

A couple months ago, she gets an email from her ex with a picture of his penis. The subject line says, "Miss me?"

As you can imagine - Im not very pleased.

This has been a thorn in my (our) side for some time and all I have asked is that she stop communicating with ths ex BF who obviously has no respect for her being in a relationship---but wait---does he really know?

My GF says that he is one of her good friends now, and although he was a horrible BF in the past - he's been a good friend - WHAT?!?!? I ask her why she would want to be friends with someone who send you inappropriate pictures of himself and puts a strain on our relationship??? She says, "thats just how he is."

Bottom line: my GF thinks its OK to continue to talk to this guy. She only talks and texts him when Im not aorund and it drives me crazy because we have a GREAT relationship otherwise. This issue has been our only "issue" in almost a year. We now live together - we have a dog together - and love each other.

Most recently her ex BF called her phone at 6AM the other morning while we were sleeping and I went thru the roof.

Once again, we fight. She tells me that she will "do her best" not to talk to this guy. I ask her, "is it like a crack addiciton to HAVE to talk to this guy??? She replies by saying that I am asking her to cut someone out of her life that has been a part of it for 4 years. I am telling myself - YES - I am! This is not appropriate.

I am torn as to what to do or expect from her. I wouldn't like being told who I can and cannot talk to - and dont expect her to like it either - but this situation, in my opinion, is VERY VERY different.

From the beginning she only talks to this guy when Im not around, yet she talks to other guys in front of me.

My question is: Am I nuts here? The last thing I want to be is one of those controlling boyfriends - I have never been even CLOSE to this situation before- but I dont want to be with someone who thinks all this is OK. I tried to be OK with her talking to this guy, but I am plain and simple just NOT going to put up with it. Even her family and friends think she shouldnt be talking to this guy anymore - yet she thinks its OK.

Your thoughts are appreciated!

Friends don't communicate in the way that these two do with sex talk and photos of genitalia, Nor do they hide their friendships from their partners.

She has already lost previous boyfriends because of this guy but it still doesn't deter her from communicating with him - that tells you that he is higher on her priority list than any boyfriend including you.

I would find someone who understands what loyalty and priorities mean in a relationship.

She's out of line and I personally would not put up with it. I'd leave her.

I think you deserve better and she obviously isn't completely over the ex. I think you deserve someone who is 100% invested in you....just my opinion

Well, for one thing, you have a right to be upset about this. You are not being controlling, you are asking her for respect. Respect she is not willing to give you. This guy is so important to her that she has jeopardized her relationship for him. In essence, she's got feelings for him at the very least.

You have two options: You can leave her or you can accept that she wants this guy in her life. She has basically shown you that she won't stop talking to him despite what it does to you. I personally, would leave. There's zero respect here.

I think it is about time you went the way of her other ex boyfriends...disappear from her life. She is clearly still in love with this original ex and she is only biding her time with other boyfriends. She is using other men and still hoping that her ex will take her seriously. Your gf is not in love with you any more than she was in love with any of her her other ex's...it is this ex she is still in communication with who holds the key to her heart...she is in love with a first class jerk and is using you for some sense of stability. Get out now.

Thank you for your responses.

What you all have said is "easier said than done", especially when I am constantly told by her that there is no romantic connection any longer, and I know she hasnt even seen this guy since February.

I am supposed to go home with her for Christmas and spend a week in NY, then we are off to New Orleans for the New Year. It is very difficult to discern why exactly it is she thinks its ok to talk to this guy, return his calls, and text message him - esepcially when I have spent so much time with her family. Her fmaily has come to visit, stayed in my home, etc.

I dont blame her fully for all of these problems, because half the reason I know of all this communication between her and her ex BF is that I have looked at her call and text history on her cell phone - and she knows this. The better part of me is glad I did look at this point, however. I'd rather know than not.

Despite losing previous boyfriends and being told how much this upsets you, she continues to behave in the same way.

She obviously has no intention of changing anything.

Are you really prepared to live your life like this as long as you are with her?

DN,

You are absolutely right...but its very hard to actually leave.

This morning was when she told me, "I'll do my best not to talk to him anymore." The more I think about this statement - the more it makes me sick.

"I'll do my best" means "I will continue to do what I want regardless of you"

I tend to agree.

This is a woman who was already aware that her behavior and ties to her ex have cost her relationships, yet she continues during yours. I'd walk. No drama--no information necessary.

In your corner.

It comes down to respect, both for you and the relationship. How can there be a healthy relationship if there is no respect?

I think that is so disrespectful. A woman who cares about you would never let an ex interfere with a good relationship like that.

The problem isn't her ex at all, it's her. She's not living in reality if she thinks that maintaining a "friendship" with this guy is OK.

I know it's easier said than done, but seriously, this girl sounds messed up in the head. If you decide to stay with her then you should also expect to be perpetually disrespected.

I tend to agree.

Well do something about it then.

No wonder there's so many crazy women out there when there's also so many weak men that allow themselves to be manipulated and controlled!

She has never once offered a reasonable explanation as to why she does what she does, and yet you've allowed her to continue doing it. You've basically given her a free pass to do whatever she wants. She will NEVER cut contact with him.

you need to have a serious talk with her without attacking her or making her feel threatened. explain to her that it is not okay and if you find out they are still talking, you will leave. plain and simple. find someone who is going to be 100% you. you seem to care a lot about her but she doesnt seem to care as much about your feelings. you deserve better.

Thank you for your input. Why am I telling myself to give her another shot?

Its not a good feeling knowing that I looked at her phone, but in reality - Im glad I have - otherwise I nenver would have known.

Well its 6 months later and still the same crap. She told me at least another 5 times since December she will stop talking to him but she still hasn't. I have an engagement ring for her and she knows it. However she is not ready to get enaged. Neither am I. WHAT DO I DO? I love her. My hope is that eventually it will fade out. Maybe if he got a girlfriend or she finally comes to her senses. But will she? She locked her phone so I would stop looking at it. I found a way to find her deleted text messages on the computer. I feel like a psycho but really have no choice. We had another serious conversation where I threatended her with me breaking up with her. HELP>

Don`t threaten anything if you you have no intention of following through. In your place I would be long gone but that is a decision only you can make.

What do you mean when you say you have no choice? All relationships being voluntary, this IS your choice. There really isn't anything we can say to prompt you to decide differently.

You seem to be a glutton for punishment. She has no intention to change, and you know it. She's treating you like a doormat and will continue to as long as you let her.

Well do something about it then.

 

No wonder there's so many crazy women out there when there's also so many weak men that allow themselves to be manipulated and controlled!

 

She has never once offered a reasonable explanation as to why she does what she does, and yet you've allowed her to continue doing it. You've basically given her a free pass to do whatever she wants. She will NEVER cut contact with him.

I think its very unfair to think a man is weak because they are in love. Whilst there is a level of self respect, that is down to ones self, and not for others to judge. Every man has his limit. I know that mine has been stretched way beyond most men's limits both in the past and somewhat in the present, however it is out of love which we all know is a very strong Emotion/feeling/ whatever it is. Wars have been fought out of love so its not a thing to be taken lightly.

I agree to what you have said about her never cutting contact, but I think until the fear of a broken heart is overcome which I guess will come soon the more this girl treats him badly, I think its safe to assume he wont walk from the relationship and to this end is where I think a level of weakness sinks in when its obvious your love is abused to the extent the his partner knows this and thus SHE issues her self a free pass not him. Then its time for him to overcome the fear and walk through whatever hell that may bring him.

To the OP, I can tell you from my own experince of this, it will only end FOR YOU when you walk... It will end for HER when its right for her.

Leave her. She doesn't love you. It takes two to make a relationship work. This relationship has ran its course and you are just prolonging the inevitable.