Are there hubbies spanking/hitting their wifes for misbavior

Ok I still no excuse for hitting a partner, that just degrades their self-esteem and the hitter isn't the winner, instead she/he's the loser. Now i'll share my story for the first time about my parents and yes at times I was made to be a witness, now thats silly, i know, they should solve, not have the kid as a witness. So here goes my story which had always happens ever since I was a kid and yes I still feel that's wrong.

My story: Ok I wasn't raised in a violent environment, no, it was good loving parents. But see there was at times when mom would get piss and start scremaing and cursing, most of the times she would start it, and yes it got annoying and yes at times dad would lose it. I was a witness, I would hear her cursing and screaming and he would tell her "calm down" until it got to the point were he would say "SHUT UP ALREADY", not the right thing for a man to do, now I know better. And most of the times she wouldn't, thats when he would then spanked her, on few occasions it was with a belt, or a brush, or just a shove, but he never got to the point of actually slapping here or punching her in the face, it wasn't real serious. But still, I don't feel a man should put his hands on a woman just cuz she talks back or curses. Esp, he would do it when she would use slang word. This would go on at times. Some of the times dad was trying so hard but then he losses his temper if she persists on not shouting, which then off course it'll lead to her crying when he hitted (spanked her). And well, I used to be so blind for a long while manily cuz I would hear mom was the one who started witht he screamings. I use to think that he had already put up with mush and that it was time for her to shut up and that he did right, until when I turned 16. I started disagreeing when I read on article on the correct way for a man to win a fight when the g/f or wife is shouting and starts cursing. It say that the guy shosuln't raise his voice nor be abusive towards her cuz of that. Then I also start thinking that yes couples do fight. Another is at times as a joke he tells he "Oh shut up" when he feels she's saying something unimportant. And off course when at times both fought they would give me different versions, I don't go along with any. Mom tells me of how he's so abusive and dad says the same and tries to justify why he lose his temper and shove her or kick her. I still say thats no excuse, if she yells or screams, he could have walk out or counting system, anything to keep him from feeling like hitting her. And yea there's been few occasions last yr, when I had to intervined, he told me "You're witness here, look at the horrible things she's saying, look at the language, I'm about to or I feel like slapping her. I would tell him not to and that it's not the way u solve things.

Well I would to continue but now I gotta go to college, just want to hear ur points.

And no he didn't do the right thing is responding by getting physical when she got verbally. Though it happened a few times, I still feel he like low down her self-esteem.

In my opinion, your dad is forgetting one of my main principles of being a man: Self control.

He lost it. And what happened? Well, obviously your mother took over the role of being in control because she literally was able to make him do that just by her words. She's a smart woman. She probably knows that he feels guilty - or less of a man - for hitting her.

"Sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me" comes to mind. Of course, words can be very hurtful as well, but there is nothing you could tell me that would make me hit you.

Self-control - men have it, boys do not. And real women understand that boys are easily controlled, and men are not. This is what makes men mature and attractive. If he had self control, I bet she'd change for the better.

Funny how that all works.

I've actually heard stories about how it is socially acceptable in some Asian cultures for wives to be spanked by their husbands. There was a debate over spanking children in a psychology class I had taken. One women from Asia nonchalantely stated, "Of course it's okay. My husband spanks me whenever I'm being bad also."

I'm curious, what country are you from? What are your roots?

Ailec1987, both of your parents were wrong to each other. Also, they should not have fought in front of you. And they should not have actively pulled you into their spats. Doing that is also abusive to you.

he told me "You're witness here, look at the horrible things she's saying, look at the language, I'm about to or I feel like slapping her.

This actually also abusive to you. He should not have made you a part of their conflicts in this way. He should not have put you in a position to judge your mother just so he could feel justified. As their daughter it wasn't your job to make either one of them right or wrong, and for either of them to ask you to do that is emotionally abusive.

Ailec1987, both of your parents were wrong to each other. Also, they should not have fought in front of you. And they should not have actively pulled you into their spats. Doing that is also abusive to you.

 

he told me "You're witness here, look at the horrible things she's saying, look at the language, I'm about to or I feel like slapping her.

This actually also abusive to you. He should not have made you a part of their conflicts in this way. He should not have put you in a position to judge your mother just so he could feel justified. As their daughter it wasn't your job to make either one of them right or wrong, and for either of them to ask you to do that is emotionally abusive.

Miss M is spot on here. First, your mother is flat out wrong for acting so childish and throwing tantrums like a toddler. No defense for this behavior.

Your father is wrong for not knowing how to deal with her behavior. Part of me wants to say let him slide because she acts like a toddler and should there fore be treated like one, but that's not right. I endured enough of my mother acting like this, and your father is the only one who can really deal with ehr acting like this. he is the onyl one who could have stopped it. I used to feel like you do, but now I blame Dad. He did not deal with it in the right way. We would blame a parent who did not know how to deal with a child, so we not blame a husband who does not handle his wife's tantrums in the right way. We should. And I blame Dad because he is the onyl one who could have stopped me from having to endure Mom's tantrums when I had to do so. He was the one who should have told her to stop. But since he did not know how, my entire family endured them. Dad deserves blame. (I love them both too, so I can forgive them after a while. Now, i wish they'd learn a new way, becasue now they often sound like two bickering toddlers.)

And Miss M is right on when she says you should not be brought into this fight. When they fight, it should be their fight, adn if you see it, you should not be ever asked to take sides. When the day is done, they are still your parents, and no one should ask you to ever take a side against them, unless and until you need to stand with your spouse.

I've disagreed with Miss M before, but here she hit the nail on the head.

Yea I know, when I was younger I so blind, I would go along with their side of the story but I would be more closer to my dad back then. Now I know I got nothing to do with their problems, they're the adults there. I do tell them. So whenever dad says "Look wut she's saying" I keep telling him "Dad I got nothing to do with this". Dang it's like he wants me to defend him as a lawyer does in court and go against my mom, I CAN'T DO THAT. Yes mom does act like a toddler, she even would lock herself in her room and if she wanted to she wouldn't be out for 2 days the max. One time I even didn't eat for a day, yes she's vey childish and yes like one post say before, dad keeps forgetting self-control.

Then another thing Im also against whenever they fight is him when mom's lock herself in the room, he keeps saying how crazy mom is and he even memtions the word bipolar. And when she locks herself, she doens't wanna to no one, not even me. Let's say I wanna talk to her or even give her a drink (on one of those tantrum fights) and i tell my dad that I'm gonna check up on mom, he then says with a smile, "Oh who the crazy lady", I keep telling him, No that's mom, not the crazy lady.

Hey Ailec,

Both parents were wrong in their behaviors. Neither one is 'more right' or 'more wrong' than the other.

Witnessing this behavior during your childhood undoubtedly shaped how you deal with life and relationships, and I recommend you get counselling asap to work through it before you start looking for a life partner or even a long term relationship. You would not want any part of the domestic violence cycle to creep in while you are raising your children. I don't mean to say that you will beat your children; I mean to say that you learned subconsciously and consciously that fighting is how one deals with disagreements...yelling and hitting are the way to go. It's very difficult to overcome what you learned at a very young age, so I would get started right now. I think you'll find that it affects you more than you know. I know that that's what I found out.

Good luck,

Phreckles

You are right, there is NO excuse for this. No woman nor man should ever try to justify hitting, spanking, biting, hair pulling or any type of abuse as a way to control the other partner or calm them down. This is wrong and there is no exception to this rule. She is his wife, not his child. This is just wrong.

Thank you for the reply, was gonna answer ya back for LOL, I must have read it quickly and missed out. Anyways better late than never, yes I'm still affected by this from time to time, it's like this demon within me comes haunting me back. I will get to counseling sometime this year though.

And still can't overcome it, I fooled myself thinking I would actually get rid of those images. Well good thing is at least I'm safe and secured with my LD boyfriend, but he knows this and is warn that none of that will be tolerated, thus the reason for an immediate break up. Sad thing they take this as a whatever normal venting out issue, I don't see it normal. I would get completely disgusted if any man lays a hand on me, yuck, heck I wouldn't even want to touch him again nor see his face.