The Psychology of Breaking Up

Here's how breaking up works, from a "dumpers" perspective. This may or may not help you understand the psychology of a breakup:

First, the person who's doing the breaking up ("dumper") makes a

decision in their head of what they want. They may or may not want

someone else, or something else. Often times, when someone else is in

the picture, they will subconsciously block it out and come up with a

DIFFERENT reason for deciding to break up. Their mind blocks it out

because they need a good reason to break up with you, and they need to

feel good about their decision for inner peace.

Next is the justification process. They finally decide on a reason

(in their head) and choose to use it. They silently repeat their

decision in their head, and prepare what they're going to say to their

soon to be ex. Remember, if they like or are getting involved with

someone else, they will not use that reason because it would make them

look bad AND they want to feel good about their decision. Nobody

wants to be thought of as a bad person, and nobody wants to think they

ARE a bad person. This is why they are able to forumlate a different

reason for ending things. If someone else is NOT involved, then they

will still come up with a reason that sounds good, and that also gives

them inner peace in their reason justifying a breakup.

Finally, action is taken. Most dumpers have mentally prepared

themselves for this moment for a few days to a couple weeks. This is

a major reason why they seem so cold to the dumpee. Their reason(s)

often don't make sense to the dumpee, or the dumpee is not willing to

accept their reason. This does not matter to the dumper though. They

have already justified (to themselves) that their reason(s) is valid

and are more mentally prepared for this moment (because they knew it

was going to happen AND because they wrote the script). Remember, the

"dumper" may seem cold at the time they take action and some may be,

but they have already justified to themselves that their reason(s) are

valid and for the most part have inner peace with themselves because

of this justification process.

as long as all the reasons are VALID does it make it easier for the dumpee. bla i had an ex tell people i was physically abusive & i was a 'certified nutcase'...which wasnt AT ALL the case...some people fear that the reasons for breakng up werent valid enough & thereforeeee they make up some off the wall story to justify their actions. people crack me up. oh well. lol

but it is true, it takes time to think over how to end a relationship & to evaluate everything in order to weigh out if its 'worth working out' or not. and yes that sometimes takes weeks to months to figure out. and yes they can be VERY VERY COLD to the dumpee.

thats life though huh.

-DG724

either that or they just use the approach of acting distant and being different in hopes that the other person will leave them so they dont have to actually do the break up.

The thought process makes sense, I believe its how you handle the break up situation which will determine dumpers further actions. The dumper is going to have a physical and psychological respose to your behavior. Now its possible that your behavior can throw them off in such a way that they will begin to question their own motives and actions.

Day_Walker brings up a good point. Your reaction to their words plays a crucial part on their next move. I know of someone whose reaction to getting broken up with was, "ok, I'm going to be fine either way."

This spun things and the dumper called the very next day regretting her decision. If he would have reacted differently, I'm sure the behavior of the dumper would have been different also.

I'm not saying this is the right or wrong move, but as you can see it invoked some thinking on the dumpers part and made her reconsider.

What is useful for people in this post is to realise that the break-up didn't 'come out of nowhere' which you see so often on here.

I think my ex had nailed the justification process on the head and keeps hitting it more and more now that he feels even more justified for his reasonings.

Wow this is a pretty good post in the minds of the dumpers. Some dumpers that is.

What is useful for people in this post is to realise that the break-up didn't 'come out of nowhere' which you see so often on here.

Not sure I agree, from the perspective of the dumper it hasn't "come form nowehere" because they're the one going through the psychology. What about, though, when they're going through this thought process and yet they're actions are portraying that they're still into the prospective dumpee...from the dumpee perspective it would seem it's "come form nowhere"

either that or they just use the approach of acting distant and being different in hopes that the other person will leave them so they dont have to actually do the break up.

That too, such a cowardly way though.

What is useful for people in this post is to realise that the break-up didn't 'come out of nowhere' which you see so often on here.

 

Not sure I agree, from the perspective of the dumper it hasn't "come form nowehere" because they're the one going through the psychology. What about, though, when they're going through this thought process and yet they're actions are portraying that they're still into the prospective dumpee...from the dumpee perspective it would seem it's "come form nowhere"

 

I was only talking about the dumper. I agree from the dumpees perspective it seems like that, my point is to try to realise that you, as the dumpee, were misled by the dumper's actions and words, which may have come from different motives, such as cowardice, fear, not entirely sure etc.

What is useful for people in this post is to realise that the break-up didn't 'come out of nowhere' which you see so often on here.

 

Not sure I agree, from the perspective of the dumper it hasn't "come form nowehere" because they're the one going through the psychology. What about, though, when they're going through this thought process and yet they're actions are portraying that they're still into the prospective dumpee...from the dumpee perspective it would seem it's "come form nowhere"

 

I was only talking about the dumper. I agree from the dumpees perspective it seems like that, my point is to try to realise that you, as the dumpee, were misled by the dumper's actions and words, which may have come from different motives, such as cowardice, fear, not entirely sure etc.

 

Ok I'm with you DN, we're on the same page then.

I'd like to add something to this thread:

The term "commitment phobia" does not exist. There is no such thing. Remember, people will use any reason that makes sense to them. Often times, you hear a dumpee say, "I think he/she has committment phobia." But in reality, the dumpee is just trying to make sense of why he or she was "rejected" by the "dumper."

If someone loves you, and is "into you" they will not leave you. On the other hand, you need to learn how to make them want to stay. Friendship and trust are at the foundation of every strong, lasting relationship. So long as you have these two critical components, you're in good shape. But as far as making excuses why someone left you, ultimately you have little control over how they feel immediately following a breakup. After some time passes though, only should you plan on using "loving manipulation" or other psychological tactics.

what the hell is loving manipulation?

I can't speak for Chai but I can give an example of it.

There was a man whose family were always asking him to give up smoking but he stubbornly refused saying he liked it and it was his life to do with as he wanted etc. One day, having been coached, his four year old granddaughter climbed on his knee, put her arms around him and said "Please don't smoke any more, Grampa, because I don't want you to die." It worked.

lol. oh okay, i just thought that was manipulation. the terms we come up with....i guess if u say its loving that makes it all the better?

DN gave a very terrific example. I coined the term, "loving manipulation" which simply means influencing someone elses behavior with the intentions that it will help them (and you) strengthen emotional bonds, with no other intentions other than love. Manipulation by itself without the element of love is usually done for personal gain and selfish reasons, while the goal of "loving manipulation" is to improve the bond shared between two people through the use of psychological tactics. Used ignorantly and wrecklessly though, will produce the opposite intended effects.

Chai your explanation is very interesting. I send you a PM..please check

I had to reply to this thread, because to be honest, it seems like you don't appreciate the fact that it's really difficult to end a relationship when you're considering that the other persons feelings are going to be hurt.

I came accross this forum as I was doing the millionth google search of "How to break up with someone with kindness". Yeah, I understand there are people who ar cowards when it comes to breaking up with a person. There are also those who don't care. But there's no way that this is the norm. Most people ending a relationship genuinely have a hard time with the prospect of hurting someones feelings - and something you seem to have completely avoided in this discussion is the fact that nobody, and I mean NOBODY, goes through life without being on the receiving end of a break up.I'm totally positive that includes your dumpers too.

I don't mean this in a bad way at all, but the replies I'm reading suggest that you need to work on your own self esteem issues. Should someone continue in a relationship with YOU just because YOU don't want to end it? That isn't fair. Should a person who has already realised that the relationship is not going anywhere continue in that relationship until YOU'VE reallised they aren't the right person for you? Isn't ending a relationship the best thing to do, rather than wasting any more of either of your time? Your ex partners were not responsible for you emotionally. They were responsible for treating you with respect during the break up of your relationship, and if some of you haven't received the respect that you all definitely were entitled to, that's not fair. It would be much healthier for you all to think, though, that the dumper simply didn't have the social skills to end the relationship respectfully, than to think that they did what they did just to stick a knife in or something. If you continue thinking like that, you'll never be able to move on, or commit yourself to a new relationship.

If you really want to know about the psychology of break ups, look at psychologytoday . com, at the article The Thoroughly Modern Guide To Break Ups.

It's incredibly informative, and it might help you all to understand that there are two sides, each of which are incredibly difficult.

This is fundamental in all break ups

QUOTE=Day_Walker;754347]The thought process makes sense, I believe its how you handle the break up situation which will determine dumpers further actions. The dumper is going to have a physical and psychological respose to your behavior. Now its possible that your behavior can throw them off in such a way that they will begin to question their own motives and actions.

This is fundamental in all break ups

 

 

 

QUOTE=Day_Walker;754347]The thought process makes sense, I believe its how you handle the break up situation which will determine dumpers further actions. The dumper is going to have a physical and psychological respose to your behavior. Now its possible that your behavior can throw them off in such a way that they will begin to question their own motives and actions.

Although there is definitely some truth in this, I also think that the person who does the dumping has been thinking about it for quite some time. It's often not a hasty decision. They have been thinking it over for weeks before they actually do it, so initially I think how you react is of little effect to them. On the moment they break-up they are basically focused on themselves, convinced of the fact that they're doing the right thing. I think that this questioning of their own motives and actions might come only in the long run, say after a month or two. In the first weeks after the break-up they are generally relieved that they have finally done it, their long period of doubts being over. They block any feelings for you, as they think they need to do it to overcome theit guilt that inevitably emanates itself right after the break-up. Especially if the break-up was not accompanied by anger and arguments. If you keep chasing them after the break-up, that will push them away and only convince them they made the right decision. If you don't do this, I indeed think there is a better chance that they start to doubt their own decision in the long run. In my specific case, although I saw it coming, the way she broke up (being extremely cold and emotionless) stunned me such that I was unable to react in any way, and simply went off saying that I loved her and that I felt sad about her decision. I tried to talk things over after 1 week, hoping she would be less cold, but it was the same thing, she clearly refused to talk about the issues that caused the break-up, saying it had nothing to do with me. One week later I showed up at her work with flowers, telling her I had thought things over and that I really loved her and wanted to give it another chance. She said she couldn't because although she still loved me, she was not in love with me anymore and it wouldn't be fair to continue then. The only thing I could reply was that I told her how I felt but that i respected her decision. Since that, almost 2 weeks from now, I didn't have any contact with her, and I chose not to initiate any. If I think back at it now, and compare it to other stories on this website, there was really not much interaction between us after the break-up: we talked 1 time (in which she cleraly didn't want to talk), I showed up once after her work, I wrote her 1 letter and maybe sent like 4 text messages. that was that... I don't know how that will determine her future actions though...

Uncoupling: Turning Points in Intimate Relationships by Diane Vaughn, is a great book that examines the breaking-up process from both points of view.

either that or they just use the approach of acting distant and being different in hopes that the other person will leave them so they dont have to actually do the break up.

That's what happened with mine, I am still waiting for answers but think I will never get them! Tbh she made up a total crock of * * * * saying I said a lot of nasty things - but funnily enough only told me about them when she started acting distant not when I was supposed to have said them!

BB

Thanks for the post Chi. I've been coming around to seeing this for myself and as hard as it is, it makes acceptance of the breakup easier because now I can see more of the facts, I have very little if no respect for my ex, and don't won't him. If there is another woman, she is welcome to him.