Very awkward situation. I seriously need help!

[Buttermaker]

Hi, I have posted on this site a while ago regarding this same problem.

 

I started dating this woman back on Dec 31st of 2006. We are both in our early 30's and we met online on a date site. Back in January, I found out that she was working with a 17 year old male. I could tell she liked him and at the time I didn't think anything of it. She is 30 and he is 17. She was pretty much open and honest about her being friends with this guy. I was a little uncomfortable with her talking on the phone, writing text messages to him, emails etc... She even went for coffee back in February with him after work. I asked her if she had the hots for this guy or what. She got a little upset and said that he is too young and is just a kid. So I forgot about it and let it pass.

 

About 2 months ago, I found out that this guy transferred to a different store. I was very happy that she is not working with him. Then 2 weeks later, she asked for a transfer to the same store! I was alarmed. She was transferred, but then shortly after, she quit and started working for a different company. I was puzzled as to why she wanted to work at the same store as this 17 year old.

 

Well, it's been quite a few months now. We are still together and in love. We even talked about moving in together in a couple months. I haven't brought this guy's name up at all because she gets very mad and upset when I do, so I just dropped the case. I know that she still talks to him though.

 

Here's where it gets me upset... Last night, she came over to my place and before she left, she checked her email using my computer. After she left, I realized that she had her Hotmail account open. I was going to close it, then I seen this guy's name as one of her contacts. I know I shouldn't be snooping in other people's emails, but I had to know what is going on between these 2. So, I clicked on one of the emails that she wrote to him back in January. It said :

 

"Hey good looking.

 

I missed you today! I think it was the longest day I have ever had in my life, working anywhere. UGH!

So slow. but you would have made it all better if you and your charming personality, beautiful face and ... well let's say the rest of you, were there with me.

So sad, I know.

BTW, I really meant it when I said that I wanted to rub ur belly! mmmmmmmmmmmmmm

A girl can dream.

Smoochie smoochie...

 

Urs *****"

 

After reading that, I was so sick to my stomach (and still am). I know this was back in mid January and me and her were only going out for a couple weeks, but she is 30 and he is 17!! There was no other emails since then from her. A month ago, he turned 18. They still talk to each other. I asked her if he has a girlfriend and she said yes and he knows that she is seeing me. I am angry that she made those remarks to a 17 year old, while starting to date me.

 

I have to meet her in 1 hour for supper. I am very angry, hurt and sick about this. I don't even know where to turn. I want to confront her about it, but I don't want to tell her that I was in her email! How can I tell her that this is bothering me, if I can't tell her how I got this info. I actually felt like breaking up with her today and still might. I do love her, but I don't want something that happened in January to ruin this relationship. If I told her I was snooping in her email, she would dump me for sure!

 

The sad thing is, I caught my ex wife cheating on me this same way... through emails. Hence why we are not married any more. So I have gone through this before.

 

I don't know what to do. I am so sick right now, I could throw up. :sad:

[curbie]

I am sorry that you are going through this. I don't know how you can confront her without her knowing that you went thru her email. She will obviously ask. All I can say is good luck and if I were you........yes I would think of dumping her and telling her "What goes around, comes around." Cheating is not fair for either person. You're not being honest and you don't love yourself or the other person if you've done it.

 

On a side note.......I really hate liars. I have no respect for them. Only until they quit lying and even then......they have to prove a LOT to me for me to believe them.

[offshore00]

Here's my take on it:

 

 

Tell her that your really uncomfortable with her talkin to the guy, and that you want her to stop. It's disrespectful to you. If she doesn't stop doing it you have to put your foot down and leave her. You shouldn't have to take any kind of crap like that. I know it's hard to do when your in love but you have to show respect for yourself. If you show respect for yourself, she will notice that, and in turn respect you more.

 

good luck man, it's a tough situation.

[Clementine orange]

Devil's advocate here:

 

The email was inappropriate but doesn't necessarily prove they were cheating. Also, you only read what _she_ said - did he respond? Maybe he is being harassed or something (by her). He transfered to another store - she followed...

 

Regardless, I feel your pain and the fact that she kept this email tells me that she still has some feelings (though maybe just nostalgia). The fact that she gets mad whenever you bring him up is concerning too.

 

What really amazes me are people who don't log out of their email accounts, especially when there is compromising information on there. Did she want you to know or something? No offense against your g/f buddy, but isn't it kinda dumb to not log out - I've seen this 'forgetting to log out and getting caught' on enotalone a few times now.

 

Advice: I would talk to her about this - I would even talk to him about it. I would also start thinking about issueing an ultimatum about it as well.

[offshore00]

In the response to the post above ^

 

 

It doesn't matter if she's physically cheated or not. Flirting like that with some guy is bull * * * * and is considered cheating to certain people anyways.

[Buttermaker]

Thanks for your advice. Personally, I don't think she is cheating though or even lying. She didn't tell me that she wrote that kind of email to him though, but is writing an email like that considered cheating?

 

She is religious and against cheating. I have yet to catch her in a lie and she seems to be honest and open about everything. She also suffers from depression and is taking medication. I also suffer from mild depression, but I cope with no medical help. She has told me that she loves me so much and wouldn't know what to do without me in her life. I also feel the same way about her. I feel that if I lose her, I would get into a worse depression than I am in now. But part of me says to break up and part of me tells me to just stick it through this. I just don't want to lose a relationship because of something that happened at the beginning of the year, yet the only way I can feel better right now is to confront her. Maybe she is so in love with me, that she doesn't feel the same way about this guy, but still remains friends with him? I have to keep in mind that we weren't 'serious' yet when she emailed this guy.

 

But I am meeting her for supper shortly. I have to find a way to talk to her about this guy without her getting upset and leaving the table. I am so nervous right now, I can't even think straight. I keep telling myself that I am getting upset for no reason.

 

To answer Clementine Oranges' question, he didn't respond. If he did respond, I think she would have kept his email in her 'special' folder of his.I think most of their communication is by phone (text). She hasn't deleted this because she doesn't seem to delete any of her 'sent' messages. She still has messages in there from 2 years ago. She hasn't sent him an email since that day. I am hoping it was just a one time thing.

[Clementine orange]

In the response to the post above ^

 

 

It doesn't matter if she's physically cheated or not. Flirting like that with some guy is bull * * * * and is considered cheating to certain people anyways.

 

Absolutley, I wasn't condoning it at all. I guess intent is just as bad as the actual deed, at least it can hurt as much.

[Clementine orange]

Are you sure she actually sent the email? Maybe this is a bit of a fantasy thing with her and she just got a little silly about it. I mean the guy is 17...how fun can that be?

 

yeah, yeah I know that cliches but 17 ain't got nothing on 30.

 

You mentioned she's depressed and on meds then maybe this is just a bit of an escape for her

[Buttermaker]

Yes, the email was sent. It was in the 'sent' folder of her hotmail. It wasn't a draft or anything.

 

She does suffer from depression and sometimes says or does things without thinking. I have brought up other stuff that she has said and she told me she doesn't even remember saying those things.

 

I also think that maybe she used this guy as a backup, incase me and her didn't pan out. Keep in mind that we only knew each other for 2 weeks when she wrote that email. Some people don't like to keep all their eggs in 1 basket. I think that this guy came on extra friendly too, just to be nice and maybe she thought he was hitting on her? She liked that, since it probably didn't happen to often with her and she was hitting on him back? I don't know what goes on in people's minds. It feels like I am just making excuses as to why she would write an email like that, then hang onto him as a friend after all these months.

[Clementine orange]

Others opinions will differ but personally I would want a little more evidence before ending things.

 

Was this the only "sent" email (to him) that was kept - nothing from him? If so then hmmmmm.

[Buttermaker]

I do agree that I would want more evidence before I end anything or jump to conclusions.

 

This was the only email sent to him and he never sent her anything. She sent him an Easter e-card but nothing out of the ordinary. I think she relies more on her phone for communication, rather than email though.

 

I am going to casually bring that guy's name into the conversation tonight. Just to see if she is talking with him or seen him lately. I know that she wouldn't lie. I did say something earlier in a text I sent her regarding something that she wrote in that email to him though. She text me asking where we are going for dinner and I responded "someplace where you could rub my belly". She thought it was funny, but didn't know I was referring to what she wrote in that email to him.

 

As far as her leaving her email logged on at my place, I think it was an accident. I had to actually look hard to find that email. There is no way that she would ever want me to see that though. She knew I was hurt before by my ex wife, so I doubt she would do the same.

[Buttermaker]

Well we had our dinner and I mentioned about my problem. I had to bring it on gently. She could tell something was bothering me tonight and I didn't waste time getting to the point. I told her that I was still bothered by her being friends with that 18 year old. I could tell she was put off when I mentioned it, but I told her that if something is bothering me, I need to get it out right now. I told her that I was not looking for an argument and didn't want to upset her, but I said that I was still bothered by them being friends. She said that she hasn't seen him a couple of months. She also was wondering why I kept mentioning about belly rubbing, but I didn't want to get into that. I didn't want her to lose her trust in me, but letting her know I was snooping in her email. After she reassured me that I am the only one for her, I have no other competition and that male friend of hers is 'just a kid', I felt alot better. She has never lied to be before, so I took her work, plus she knows how hurt I have been in the past thanks to cheaters and she also reassured me that she would never do that. I think she realizes that I am the best thing to happen to her. I seriously doubt that she would do anything to jeopardize that. I think that she may have even forgot about writing that email back in January.

 

I think this teaches me not to look in other people's emails

[valiantv]

Keep in mind that we only knew each other for 2 weeks when she wrote that email.

Ahhhh! I'd find more recent evidence before jumping to conclusions!

 

Man you shouldn't have said that about the belly rubbing! If she goes through her old emails and comes accross it, and remembers when she was on in your house and puts 2 and 2 together...