Rant: I can't express myself knowing that my bf is watching me.

[SherriLi]

Hi MV, I'll answer your qus as best as i can.....

 

 

 

A relationship to me is a partnership with someone that you can trust, and rely on for anything. Someone whom is a friend, and lover that wants to be there for you when you need a hand, or a shoulder or anything at all within reasonable means.

[DragonGirl724]

Hi MV, I'll answer your qus as best as i can.....

 

 

 

A relationship to me is a partnership with someone that you can trust, and rely on for anything. Someone whom is a friend, and lover that wants to be there for you when you need a hand, or a shoulder or anything at all within reasonable means.

 

 

Sherri,

 

you deserve all these things. have you considered counseling at all?

I am so sorry youre in this situation. but you can get out of it.

 

I hope you begin to lose comfort in your normalcy...you shouldnt be in a relationship that involves such anger and lack of trust.

 

is he against couple's counseling?

 

ps: just curious how old are you?

 

-DG724

[SherriLi]

Sherri,

 

you deserve all these things. have you considered counseling at all?

I am so sorry youre in this situation. but you can get out of it.

 

I hope you begin to lose comfort in your normalcy...you shouldnt be in a relationship that involves such anger and lack of trust.

 

is he against couple's counseling?

 

ps: just curious how old are you?

 

-DG724

 

But that's my point though DG, he's been trying alot harder. That's why i'm still there. We are doing alot better compared to last year.

 

About the couples councilling thing... He wanted me to see someone who wasn't neutral, (his mom's friend) who wasn't a certified councillor. He aggreed to come with me, then denied ever saying he would. I know for a fact that he won't come with me to see someone else, i could always try to convince him again... He won't go to see the only people in town, he doesn't want me to see them either . I have in the past, and they've all agreed that he was in the wrong.. I told him this, now he's against them.

 

BTW, I'm 26 and he's 36.

[DragonGirl724]

Sherri this guy will never be on your side. why are you doing this to yourself?

 

why are you settling?

 

36?? thats surprising, he is acting like a bratty child...

 

my way or no way

 

this is a sad situation.

 

he'll never be man enough too get couple's therapy because he can't stomach the fact that he is being a manipulative pr**k!

 

If he looked at himself in the mirror truthfully for 5 seconds he wouldnt be able to handle it...and he takes it out on you.

 

-DG724

[Mavis VDSande]

A relationship to me is a partnership with someone that you can trust, and rely on for anything. Someone whom is a friend, and lover that wants to be there for you when you need a hand, or a shoulder or anything at all within reasonable means.

 

Thanks for clarifying and answering my questions Sherri. I still don't agree with his behaviours though and I strongly feel that it's not enough to say "well my ex husband was a true psycho so the fact that my current bf is less of a psycho - it's all cool".

 

When you read your last answer to me re: Love and think about your rels, how do you feel? Do you feel like something's missing? Because I guarantee you there is no trust, respect or friendship in your rels.

 

You will never be able to "fix" your bf or feel the kind of love from him as you desire. But you can change your own future, simply by leaving him. There is just too much resentment and anger between you. To the point that you can't even let your family know what he really is like, and you keep making these excuses for him.

 

The truth is Sherri, he doesn't respect you, he never did, he didn't even feel like taking you out b4 the break-up and he hooked up with an ex and to top it off he hit you in the face. He's a hurtful man and he knows that you will not leave him. So he will treat you like crap until you stand up for yourself and call it off for good.

[Mavis VDSande]

OMG you're the same age as me - what are you doing with this man? This rels will drain you until you lose all love and zest for life. I'm not kidding here.

[ayekantspeylgud]

Your boyfriend sounds like a very controlling and possessive individual based on what you've said about him! Get a new username, DO NOT give him any info on it, create a new email to have it sent to, don't give him ANY information about it... get him out of your life. Eventually his controlling behavior turns to manipulation which can cause psychological damage - sounds extreme but trust me I just got out of a relationship like that myself!

[DragonGirl724]

VERY WELL SAID MAVIS! wow I hope sherri really takes this advice.

 

-DG724

[Mavis VDSande]

Thanks - I hope she's listening too!

 

I believe that the mind is a powerful and easily manipulated tool. Often we stay in unhealthy rels because we are too scared to enter the unknown on our own. We'd rather cope with the bad times to get small glimpses of what's like "love", without realising that we can have and deserve so much more.

 

I think Sherri is loving him out of habit, and also out of pure old school romance. But the thing is, he is abusing her out of habit and he is aware of this, but because of her old school romancing he is aware that he CAN get away with it - it just takes a few crocodile tears.

 

If my bf ever hit me he wouldn't be crying furiously and apologising only to get over it just like that, he'd NEVER be able to get over it. If I hit someone, I would never dare say that I loved that person, I wouldn't dream of being so insulting.

[Daligal83]

Sherri...please look at this link.

 

link removed

 

This woman was on the Oprah show. She was with her ex husband for 24 years I believe. They dated for 10 and were married for 14. For the last year and a half to two years, he began to severely physically abuse her. He even had his son video tape the abuse. He called her names and beat her for the 51 minutes of the tape. She said that for the years before he beat her, he was verbally abusive and controlling from the beginning. They are warning signs!

 

She would say that she didn't leave because at least he wasn't hitting her and what he was doing was out of love to teach her to be a better person, wife, and mother. She was in denial. I want you to read her story and try to recognize yourself in the situation. I think we are all worried about you here because you cannot seem to recognize the danger that you may be in.

[SherriLi]

Wow.... that story really pulled on my heart strings. :sad:

 

That poor woman and those kids. I can't imagine the anguish they felt being force to contribute to their mother's pain. Its such a relief that the monster is behind bars and will remain there until he's grown old and feeble and cannot harm another person physically again. IF he lives that long.

 

I can see how you can imagine it escilating to that point in my relationship. But i seriously can't see it happening. He isn't verbally abusive to me on a day to day basis. He calls me loving things. He never calls me by my first name, it's loving pet names like "my love" or honey etc.

 

It's only when we argue, he's told me that i'm being a b8tch, or has called me a mean woman. I seriously don't think that he is capable of being a monster like that POS that is behind bars now.

 

I understand that you guys are trying to help me and are concerned, and i thank you for caring.

 

But he does make me happy in alot of areas, there are ALOT of things that he needs to work on, as do i. We need ALOT of work together as partners in a relationship also. I can't just give up now, we've come so far....

 

And also, when he beat me, i fought back, i didn't just take it. I am alot stronger than that. He didn't just cry for forgiveness once. He's brought it up countless times and has balled out of the blue, without me mentioning it. He is truly sorry for what he's done. To this day he still apologizes for other mistakes he's made in the past and he shows great remorse. I can see that he's sorry and that's why i'm still with him. Naming cheating and the friendship with that manipulative b*tch.

 

Our relationship started off rocky, with the cheating etc.. but i hung on.... If i wouldn't have, we never would have been together now. He wanted me, i showed him love when he thought love was dead. But all he knew was her, and he needed to try to fix things. He thought he owed her something because he treated her badly. But she ended up screwing him (or his bestfriend i should say) in the end. I didn't think he owed her anything. In his eyes he wasn't commited to me, or her... so he didn't view it as cheating. But i was faithful to him... I didn't veiw it the same way, he was my bf it was cut and dry to me.

it went from there and i stayed and stayed. I fell in love with him after only 4 months... He lied about trips he was taking, always going to see her, while i was non the wiser. In my gut i kinda knew he was lying. But i knew that it would never work out.

 

I stayed and showed him love and we would always have a ball together. I knew he'd come around. That in the end he'd choose me. I knew it because i'd see it in his eyes. I was right.

 

He's said i changed his life, that he would be dead if it wasn't for me. It took him awhile. Now i'm hurting because of all that i LET MYSELF endure. Being used as a doormat. When something upsets one of us... it always comes down to all that happened in the past, how badly he hurt me..

 

But don't you think in all truth, i hurt myself? I choose to stay through all that crap. It's not like he made me. I did it to me. I'm pretty angry at myself for allowing myself to be treated like that.

 

Do all controlling people end up as abusers?

[SherriLi]

No, i don't agree that his behaviors are cool either. It's just that this is easier to deal with than my last rel. At least i have alittle say in this relationship.. The last one was pure hell it took me 3 years to work up to leaving his * * *. Biggest manipulative * * * * * ever... and his mom was that puppet master! THat's a whole new thread though

 

There is a degree of trust. He doesn't think i'm going to go out and have an affair or anything. That's why i don't get the forum thing. Why would he get so mad about me being on there when he can see every word? Every post? As opposed to me going to a party at my sisters house or friends place?

 

In regards to the respect... no you are right, i don't get enough of that.. that needs work. I have gotten on his case about this.. and he's stopped. He is so critical about the actions of my brothers and sisters. It would upset me to hear him b*tch about my brother calling in sick from work, or him assuming how my family members view eachother etc... Never anything good. Which I really don't get, because we all VERY close, we are all like bestfriends.

 

He hates all my friends, and he calls them names tells me what they are... He's stopped all this because i FINALLY voiced how it hurt me. I never used to, id just take it and then it would build up resnentment. So the respect thing is being worked on also. As for the friendship, we were friends and knew eachother for 10 years before we got together. He just didn't live in town. We've had a thing for eachother from day one. He came back after we had both split with out exes, and thus the rel. began.

 

I've called it off countless times in the past few months but we always end up making up a few hours later.

[Batya33]

It sounds like your standards are "as long as he is better than the last [abusive] boyfriend I will tolerate lack of trust and respect." Is that the standard you would set for your best female friend?

[Mavis VDSande]

I just think this rels totally sucks. Sorry if I'm voicing my opinions here. It doesn't matter that you fought back when he beat you. The fact is, he beat you. He critisized your family and YOU'RE apologising for his spiteful action of attacking your family saying that you never voiced out that that hurt you?

 

Sorry what is going on here? This man IS a psycho, and the fact that you're defending him.... Sherri, you need to see a counsellor and realise that you're in a bitter and twisted rels. You're too young to put up with this * * * * and seriously, if he hit you once - he will damn well do it again. And if he does maybe not now but maybe in a few years when you're tied down with a family - you'll be VERY SORRY.

 

Let's put it another way - you thank us for our concerns - doesn't it feel that the majority of us are RIGHT? With all our experiences and concerns put together????

[Mavis VDSande]

It sounds like your standards are "as long as he is better than the last [abusive] boyfriend I will tolerate lack of trust and respect." Is that the standard you would set for your best female friend?

 

Please take note of this Sherri - would it be okay for your sister/best female friend to treat you the way this man has? The word "love" here is just an excuse. Maybe you're addicted to the way he treats you, in which case you need to see a counsellor - and not one that he recommends, in fact I wouldn't even mention it to him in case he * * * * *es about all of us and hunts your current username on this forum and ruins more things for you.

 

I may sound like I'm exaggerating here but based on how he's treated you, I'd not be surprised if he did just that.

[SherriLi]

It sounds like your standards are "as long as he is better than the last [abusive] boyfriend I will tolerate lack of trust and respect." Is that the standard you would set for your best female friend?

 

No, sadly i can't trust any women anymore enough to get close to them.... They've all betrayed me :sad:

 

My bestfriend in the world, we were so close that we could read eachothers minds, she slept with 3 of my boyfriends. After the third, i couldn't forgive her anymore. To this day i still can't talk to her. I tried to forgive her after i got married.. But i always caught my husband starring at her and i pushed her away, no trust left....

 

My last best friend, that i got close enough to... knew that me and my current bf had feelings for eachother... He was trying to go out with me, but i was still unsure of my feelings, so i didn't do anything... He ended up taking her home that night.. :sad:

 

She lied about it to me for months before coming clean. He came straight to my house and told me what he'd done, felt terrible and apologized even though we weren't bf/gf yet...

 

I eventually pushed her away too.

[Mavis VDSande]

Do all controlling people end up as abusers?

 

YES. Why? Because the abuse isn't just physical, it's emotional as well.

[Hope75]

Sounds like these women were not really friends at all- I am sorry that this happened to you. Not everyone (in fact, I would be willing to wager that most everyone) is not like that.

 

But still- that is not a reason to allow your boyfriend to treat you this way. Batya asked a very important question, and you cleverly changed the subject to make the focus about your poor relationships with these other women.

 

But what if you had a daughter? Would you want her to be treated the way your boyfriend is treating you?

 

The core of the question, one that you cannot evade- is- do you really think that the way your boyfriend is treating you is loving, respectful and healthy?

 

It's a difficult question- but one I would advise you to think long and hard about it. Let us know what you come up with.

[SherriLi]

Yes MV.... I agree with you all... I am in a bad spot.. But i'm not out of hope and faith yet.. I don't know why i do this, but i stay and try to make things work until i just can't do it anymore... Does this make me a weak person? I know that i'm stronger now than i've ever been.....

 

 

 

No! It really wouldn't be ok.. I had an abusive friend in the past. She was bossy and pushy, i ended that friendship when she punched me in the stomach and knocked the wind outa me.. i hit her right back... It wasn't intentional.. It was a relflex, i was shocked and that was the ned of that biotch.

 

I was thinking about this yesterday MV, i think you are right! I am thinking of going to the mental health and substance abuse centre in town (it's the only place in this small town that offers councilling) without even telling him. I'm sure he'll find out eventually by calling me at work and finding that i'm not here... But i'll deal with that when it comes along.

 

You don't have to worry about him finding out about this site. I wouldn't dare come on here from my home pc. The only way he'd find out about this one is if he showed up at my work unexpectedly and caught me posting on it.

 

 

 

I know that all women aren't like that. I just can't open up to them anymore out of fear of betrayal. After experiencing it sooo much in the past 11 years, it has become my worst fear.

 

I know i'm going to stike up some heat here... But i do have a daughter, 2 of them. But let me tell you that they aren't subjected to our fights, they spend time with their grandparents on weekends and that is always when our arguments breakout. They love him and think of him as their father... more so than their bio father. He treats them with a good balance of love and discipline. They respect them. WHen we broke up, my eldest cried for him more than i did. If he ever i mean ever treated them badly... I WOULD NEVER EVER STAND FOR IT! NEVER!

 

And at times, no i don't think that he treats me all that great. My bro, and friends have been upset and have said this to my face also. But my point is, he doesn't treat me bad all the way around, and i have voiced my areas of concern to him about where i feel i'm being treated poorly... and i've seen results. I know that this must sound ridiculous to you all... but slowly yes, he's progressing. Its not like he ignores my concerns, he really is trying.

 

My vent about my forum is one thing he's working on... he has slip ups and gets mad about it.. but he's trying. I was on there last night. he was even on there... He's been working on alot of things i had voiced my concern about.

[Hope75]

It's very concerning that you have two daughters in the house and that also your friends have been concerned about the way that he treats you!

 

Ultimately you are justifying his behaviour right now and clearly don't want to leave him, but I am sad for you and your daughters because whether you think so or not, they do see this and feel this to some extent. By letting yourself be controlled by him you set an example for them what acceptable behavior is. And it's really not acceptable.

[JadedStar]

Sherri i have followed some of your threads, and honestly??? YOu are BOTH co dependent. You do some of the same things he does. You say you check his history as well, you also don't want him going to bars alone...I was glad to hear on your last thread that you are trying to put a check on the drunken fights you guys were having...

 

When does this end? YOu both are terrified of each other going out and doing things on your own. Can't you see the co dependency here?

 

You are with him and staying with him because like attracts like. I suggest you get into counseling and work on your own self esteem, and your own controlling issues, because I guarantee you that once you get YOURSELF into more control of your own life and lose the insecurities, you won't dare be with someone like this.

 

But you have a lot of clean up to do as well. Like I said "like attracts like". You two feed off of each other in many ways, I do believe.

[SherriLi]

Yes, you are right that i show co-dependant traits. Although i'm not as scared as i once was, before we broke up and he left. I was terrified at that point. Then i seen that it wasn't all that bad being alone. I guess i wasn't totally alone, because we were still together LD. I plan on going for councilling, but i'm going to keep that info. to myself.

 

This weekend wasn't so bad. We got into it. But we didn't yell or anything and made up right away.

 

Mother's day started out great. I got breakfast in bed, and alot of sex.... He was going to cook me supper too. We were supposed to go out somewhere but he must have forgot and cracked a beer at noon.

 

Then he was sending an email... i casually asked him if he was emailing his Mommy and he said "what the hell is it to you?" then he gave me for having to know everything...

 

Then the day was ruined. He got drunk and never cooked me supper. I had a nap and went to my mom's house with out him. Over one tiny question.

 

Was i being to nosy asking that question?

[Hope75]

No, you certainly weren't, and his reaction was over the top.

 

That's what I'm talking about. He seems so unpredictable. How fair is it to you that you can't even ask an innocent question without him blowing up- and on Mother's Day when it's your special day?

[SherriLi]

No, you certainly weren't, and his reaction was over the top.

 

That's what I'm talking about. He seems so unpredictable. How fair is it to you that you can't even ask an innocent question without him blowing up- and on Mother's Day when it's your special day?

 

I know! If it wasn't mother's day i wouldn't have asked. He is so paranoid about me getting his password for his email.... It makes me wonder if he's hiding something. ---- After I asked him that, he left the living room and when he came back in he sat there again. I was still upset that the freaked for nothing, he was adding another contact so i said "oh wow... another contact?" and that one did it. I was being sarcastic, and yeah i shouldn't have said that but still. He blew up over something so little. What a crock that was.

 

We just made up in IM a little while a go. He says that he's being loyal and not going behind my back or nothing. I am still pissed off over it.... he said he was going to take us out for a hike yesterday... but i ruined it. He never mentioned that yesterday! AND he opened his first beer at noon... I think he just said that to make me feel worse.

 

But you know what? I made the best that i could out of the rest of the day. I sat and had supper with my sister, mom and dad. We had a few afterwards and gabbed. My friend seen i was there and came over. I was having such a good time that i stayed out past the girls bedtime, and my friend wanted to come home with me, so despite what he thought of it i said yes.

 

He was still awake when i got there, he called me irresponsible for staying out late (10 pm!!!), and hated the fact that i brang her home. But we played crib and had a nice time chatting anyway. I wasn't going to let him ruin my fun again. So i just did my thing, whether he agreed with it or not. --- He can see that he doesn't control me as (much) as he once did. He can see that i'm slowly becoming more independent...

[Hope75]

I'm still not sure why you stay with him. I would never want to live this way again. I did, for 5 years with an alcoholic that I was engaged to who was controlling and abusive to me.

 

Do you think it's normal and healthy to live this way?