Rant: I can't express myself knowing that my bf is watching me.

[SherriLi]

I'm still not sure why you stay with him. I would never want to live this way again. I did, for 5 years with an alcoholic that I was engaged to who was controlling and abusive to me.

 

Do you think it's normal and healthy to live this way?

 

I'm sorry to hear about your past relationship Hope.

 

No i think that we are in a VERY unhealthy relationship. But things are SLOWLY getting better. We are working out our differences and he is trying. While i admit.. He has slip ups... Like yesterday for one.

 

He sees that his reaction towards me was wrong. I see that my second sarcastic remark to him was wrong also.

 

But that aside we are working on it. This weekend was great other than yesterday. I never felt that close to him in a long time. He was loving and his old funny self. I still want to try.

 

I'm going to start seeing a councillor without him knowing, and like someone has mentioned earlier, maybe i'll learn to handle things better, and there for his reactions might improve.

 

If they don't, then i guess that only leaves one other option.... which is to leave.

[Hope75]

Have you ever talked to him about counseling?

 

You can change and change all you want, but if he isn't working on it than the relationship is not going to improve. One person cannot do the work for both in the relationship.

 

I can only go on what you post here, but it does not sound as though your relationship is improving. The fact that you can go almost two days without a fight and him getting drunk is not good enough.

 

I just hope that you don't keeping giving yourself to this dysfunctional relationship until there is nothing left before you realize that you, and your daughters, deserve more.

[SherriLi]

We've talked about councilling. He wanted me to go see somone that wasn't even certified that was his mother's friend. For that reason i wouldn't go. There wouldn't be a confidentiality clause, so who knows what would have leaked out if i went.

 

I asked him to come with me and he said he would. But denied it later.

 

He doesn't want me to see the councillors that i'm going to see, because i went to see them in the past to learn to deal with his contact with his ex better. They agreed that he was in the wrong with what he was doing and how he was acting towards me. I made the mistake of telling him this, now he doesn't want me to go let alone him coming with.

 

They are the only councilling organization in town.

 

Hope, it's a shot in the dark i know. But i'm still willing to try. I'll try until i can't anymore.

 

THanks for listening and offering your advice

[DragonGirl724]

Sherri, goodluck.

 

It doesnt look like you'll ever leave.

 

You think 'oh its getting better, bla bla bla' BUT are you still feeling like crap when he talks down to you like he does and snaps at you...YES and that pain remians inside of you and builds up. this is all so wrong. I hope you dont go to counseling and not listen to anything he/she says. Because keep in mind theyre going to say a lot of things we are telling you right here on this forum. Which you seem to keep making excuses for his behaviors.

 

-DG724

[SherriLi]

I think i've just found a breaking point. If this pans out like i fear it will... there will be no trying left inside of me.

 

He had asked me to buy him a phone card so he could phone his mother yesterday.

 

I bought him one, and he couldn't find his new black book, so he dug out his older one.

 

(Just a re-cap) He realized that he couldn't be friends with the ex-porn queen biotch anymore, so he phoned her infront of me and told her in his pwn words that he was terminating their friendship. Then he tore out the #'s of his little book and gave them to me.

 

Well, at lunch he had left his old book on the couch and i was home alone bored and eating lunch.. So i started flipping through it... It has her parents # still in it, and under her # they were all old and scratched out.... Well on the inside front cover under his name... there was a # scratched there with no name. I immediatley recognized the number as it's engrained in my brain from that night she called me last year. I'm not sure how old this cell # is... as he never used that book until just recently. Its been tucked away. So i don't know if he phoned her parents yesterday and wrote the new(?) # down in his old book or it's an older # and it's been there for a while.

 

What did i do? I scratched her # out there... It doesn't seem very obvious because the inside cover is a mess of names and # all over. So if he goes to use the # he won't be able to read it and he'll accuse me of scratching it out.

 

He has done this before. He asked me to look in his black book for a # after he came back, and he had her #'s disguised with a different area code to make it look like they were BC #'s

 

I can't take that again..... no way. If i find that he's still trying to contact her again that's it. That is my breaking point.

[DragonGirl724]

well...I hope you have more than one way of reaching your breaking point if this turns out to be nothing. Because you need to reach it already!

 

-DG724

[Hope75]

Sherri,

 

For the life of me I don't understand why THIS would be your breaking point and yet you will allow him to control you and be verbally abusive. It's strange what we consider dealbreakers.

 

Him having the number isn't surprising, he's been disrespecting you the way he's treating you, all along.

 

So if this is what gets you to leave him, I'll be happy for you that you got away.

 

Let us know what happens.

[DragonGirl724]

Hope,

 

I think a lot of it just has to do with timing and acknowledging her efforts of 'acceptance' and tolerance up until this point and to just see this number is like a punch in the stomach. Kinda like last straw...added insult to injury kind of thing.

 

especially through writing someone can really begin to accept that their feelings ARE genuine and the pain IS real...it kinda makes everything she has been feeling-in a way-tangible..and this just the icing on the cake. This did it for her.

 

Salt has officially been added to the wound.

 

Be strong Sherri.

 

-DG724

[SherriLi]

Thanks DG & Hope. I have yet more news.... The number turned out as nothing. BUT!

 

I was on our favorites 2 days ago and he accidentally saved her email address there. I asked him about it and he said that he received the email that morning and was going to show me and explain.

 

On mother's day he phoned her mom, and asked her to give porn queen a message. That he was forced to leave a message on her machine saying that they could not carry on a friendship (2 months ago) and that he felt badly that he wanted to do it another way other than the machine. Her mom (he says i have a hard time believing this) asked for his email to keep in touch... A few days later he gets an email from her. I broke into his email once i seen the address on the favorites it said:

 

Hey Homie!

 

Sorry to hear shytes grim on the homefront ( ) I was kinda sad about the message but proud that you took the step nessesary to work on your relationshp. I was actually going to call shawn to get your email so i could keep tabs on your life. I just wish that Sherrili could see on her own that there is nothing to worry about and accept our friendship on her own

 

Yada yaada yadaaaadaaaaaaaaa

 

He said that he felt horrible when he read it and he was going to talk to me about it, show it to me and let me read the email he sent back, saying that there can't be any contact until I feel it's ok for them to have a friendship.

 

So tonight he's going to write this email and he's going to delete her address.

 

Another thing is....

 

I just found out that i'm 2 months pregnant

 

I can't support this baby alone! I already have two girls there's no way on earth that i could.

 

I'm making an appointment with a certified therapist today, i'm going to go to a few sessioins alone, and then he's going to join me afterwards.

 

There is much more purpose for the both of us trying to make this work now. Our lives have changed drastically overthe past week.

[DragonGirl724]

oh.my.goodness....

[SherriLi]

oh.my.goodness....

 

I know!!!!

 

I've been in a state of numb shock ever since i found out.

 

Anyway, we are going to see a councillor together. I guess, that pastor he wanted me to see, mentioned that he knows a certified therapist that will council us for free if we are under the income roof... what ever that is. But as soon as i'm done posting here, i'm going to make an appointment.

[Hope75]

Sherri,

 

I am in shock. Do you think this relationship is ready for a baby? It sounds so dysfunctional as it is... I would hate to see you use the baby as a reason to stay.

 

Does your boyfriend know about the baby? What was his reaction?

[SherriLi]

Sherri,

 

I am in shock. Do you think this relationship is ready for a baby? It sounds so dysfunctional as it is... I would hate to see you use the baby as a reason to stay.

 

Does your boyfriend know about the baby? What was his reaction?

 

I was in shock up until today too Hope believe me!

 

Hope, I KNOW that this relationship is NO WHERE NEAR ready for a baby. But the baby is coming nontheless. I know there are other options. But those options just aren't for me.

 

We had an abortion in the beginning of our relationship, and we both still moun our baby that we ugh....murdered... It was the worst mistake of our lives. I will never ever go against my morals and do that again.

 

I could never give the baby up for adoption. That would be sheer torture. I could never do that.

 

He knows. We found out monday, and he's been telling everyone. He's been very happy about it. He even was browsing boys names on the net the day after we found out.

[tiredofvampires]

I haven't finished reading all the posts yet on this thread, but I just had to break in at this point 'cause it's killing me --

 

I am currently mourning the loss of a relationship with a man that could not trust me in so many ways, and became critical of just about everything about me -- after a courtship period where he told me that his world would be "ashen without me, that he began to live when I loved him, that his life started when he knew me"....and that he wanted to love and protect and take care of me forever. I told him please do not promise me anything, promises are easily broken in this life; I am not a mistrustful person either, it's just that I need to see the walk to believe the talk. But he was SO persistent in saying he would SHOW ME and PROVE to me how much he loved me, and most of all it was this: that even though we were a rocky, sickening road of ups and down nearly from the start, he kept saying he wanted to do WHATEVER he could to work it through. To work it out.

 

And he, unlike your bf, agreed to counseling (he is a 7-year recovering gambling addict, but very sober and strict, and a success who is very highly regarded as a sponsor even in a 12-step program). He wanted to go to couples counseling (which never happened, as we were having a LD rels), he was in therapy to deal with "the residual issues of self-esteem", and yet even then...

 

By the end of our relationship he was telling me how to speak to my friends, shutting the door on me as though I were a child to be locked in a room, he was calling my ideas "crazy, f-ing naive, nuts" etc. All the things I thought he loved about me started to feel like offenses and insults to his very person...and yet, when I read through your posts, I feel that I was with a PRINCE.

 

Why is that? A rhetorical question for you to ponder.

 

I am going to be very, very blunt, so please don't be hurt, it is only to make things very graphic: to a person who has only been fed dead rats all their life, they will be used to it and while it would make a healthy person vomit and come down with a serious intestinal disease, the person eating it all their life will be immune to it; nature helps us adapt marvelously so that we do not die or go insane or get sick with what we keep "feeding ourselves" when there is nothing else around to eat (whether we feel in conscious control of that or not); now if that diet changes and the person is upgraded to eating rotting garbage out of dumpsters, that will taste like HEAVEN! By contrast. If they eat that for a while, they will get used to that, acclimated to that, too. They will say, you have no idea how much better the food is here, now. But a healthy person would still get terribly sick from this putrid fare. If you kept moving to a healthier and healthier diet until you are eating soup, salad and nourishing things like that, well-cooked and served and fresh, and you are doing that on a regular basis for many years, if someone served you even a really stale cracker, you'd say "eeew! This is crap, I don't wanna eat this, it's spoiled." If they fed you the old food of years ago, the dead rats which you once could eat and just go on living with pretty well, now you would be very, very sick and think GOD, HOW COULD I HAVE EVER EATEN THAT AND LIVED?????

 

So it is with learning and adapting to anything toxic and sickening. In all of your posts, I see a SERIOUS pattern of rationalizing your staying with this man because "he is making some changes, he is trying, he is working on stuff and it's much better than it used to be." That was the same line of thinking in general that I had with my ex: we'd have it out, we'd come to a "new place" or so I thought, and there would be a reprieve for a while. BUT. "BUT": a word that is in nearly all your posts.

 

"It was better for a while, BUT then one little thing made it bad again because he got upset AGAIN."

 

"BUT then I went on my way and dealt with it because I am stronger now."

 

"He hit me BUT I hit back this time."

 

"He's working on things and the morning was great, BUT He ruined the rest of my Mother's Day -- BUT I went over to my mom's house without him, so there."

 

"He is trying BUT he hates my friends, follows and stalks me on my private accounts, refuses to see a therapist and hates the ones who have called him out on his sh-t, continues to intimidate me in the many little day-to-day things --"

 

"BUT today it was only a minor one and blew over soon."

 

"He holds me when I cry BUT it's when I've apologized for calling him names. BUT you should have seen him/us before. BUT you should have seen the last guy."

 

BUT BUT BUT.

 

This is no way to live a life, this is no way to live in love.

 

The problem is that nothing is really improving here, it only seems to be, partly because you are a little stronger and thus he is a little more scared you will leave him. However, PEOPLE DO NOT CHANGE THEIR BASIC CHARACTER FLAWS THAT ARE AS SERIOUS AS HIS WITHOUT PROFESSIONAL GUIDANCE THROUGH WHAT HAS LED THEM ALL THEIR LIFE TO THIS POINT.

 

You say he is "working on respecting you more." That is actually the reddest of the red flags in your thinking about this, which reveals your denial: a person doesn't "work on" respecting you. Yes, they can learn how to be more sensitive to certain needs you have, like they can learn that something like say, you need to have a bubble bath once a week on Sunday so they will respect that particular need instead of asking you to watch football with them -- but this is what is called "working on compromise" so everyone can be co-existing harmoniously and doing what they each love most. But it comes from a place of ALREADY RESPECTING the person you are enough to let you ask for that, to love you enough to say go for it if it makes you happy. You can't WORK on having respect, that is a foundational element that lies under all the interactions you have. A person who does not have that basic foundation will attack you for wanting or needing something for yourself and the relationship (such as taking you out places), they will attack your motives, they will attack your associations (like your friends), they are basically about not having any honor for you as a PERSON. That cannot be taught. His learning to give in (for a while) is not called learning "respect" for you.

 

To illustrate once more with an analogy: if someone litters, it's because they don't respect the land. If they throw garbage into a pristine lake, that is an internal oblivious state in them called disrespect. You can get a law enforcement person who they are scared of getting busted by to say hey, next time you do that, you get a fine -- and so maybe they will be scared into stopping. Or maybe their friends respect the river so they won't litter because it's not cool in other people's eyes. Or they might not litter because on that particular day they have a piece of garbage in their hand, it just so happens a garbage can is right near them, so it's not too damn big a stretch to just pitch it into the can. So to translate this into your relationship, he has no BASIC respect for the "lake" that you are, and has only developed some restraints that are for now working in his mind to his advantage. Many are like the last example -- he might not hit you now or verbally abuse you this time or that time because well, this time there just isn't as much need in his mind to do so, or he is a little more cautious. But he is still unable to see you as an independent, free and worthy person of his respect by allllll the things you are saying he still does and how he justifies things. He is still AS capable as he EVER was of throwing garbage at you. He has deep issues that feed into his lack of respect, it is not a matter of "taming" bad behaviors. You don't "tame" someone into respecting your fundamental personhood.

 

And all the BUTS in the world cannot take that away or change that. It is just theme and variations. And it only looks better because all this rotten food is relatively rotten. But it's still all rotten to the core.

 

I do really, really feel for you, because I made all the same arguments in my head: if someone seems to be working on their stuff and making progress (I am all for another chance!), it is SO hard to see that against the backdrop of the rotten core, that this is just a shallow layer of behavioral modification suited to this phase of your lives -- and down the line, it most probably will get worse again as he feels he's proved himself enough to you to make up his "debt"...this will continue to spiral and evolve but the problem within him is very far along. And I agree with another poster that you are drawn to this because you need eachother at this point for this kind of "love."

 

I think the only difference between my case and yours is that my bf didn't need me as much as yours needs you; mine did at first but because he felt he "deserved more" than who I was, he severed it. Maybe some day I will thank him for saving me from what might have devolved into your situation (though these days all I do is cry and miss him, as I love him as you love yours.) I was desperate for it to work and the truth is that it was unfixable because even though he was making efforts, his basic vision of his actions and being entitled (just as your stories about your bf reveal) remained the same.

 

I do not doubt for one moment that you love him. It's just that this is the only kind of love you know. I don't doubt for a moment that you are stronger than you once were: you are probably making some progress in standing up for yourself. But until you leave him, and do not go back to him again, you are still entrapped and not where you need to be for happiness and health. Until the "buts" end, there will only be crumbs for you to eat and say, well at least I got a crumb (and by the way, this is how abuse works -- the attraction is that it is not ALWAYS bad! If it were, NO ONE would have incentive to stay. He gives you enough incentives to stay, it is the carrot-and-stick approach; you are rewarded enough with carrots to be able to "deal with" being then beaten with the stick.) Do you seriously think that other abusive women don't love the one they are with for some reason, find their good qualities, and enjoy good days? Be that 1 hr., 1 day, 1 week...but there is always the stick on its way at some point, again. BUT -- it might be just a tap this time, so this must be a sign he's not such a monster after all, right? Maybe a couple of years of light taps will build up your trust enough so that when he slams the stick down so hard you don't know what hit you, you won't quite believe it. Maybe he is just building up your tolerance for this level of pain so that at some point he can increase the clamp of the vice and you won't feel it as sharply, have you thought of that? It is almost like training, he is training you at whatever level he perceives your level of weakness or strength. So it is not about him getting better, it is about him adjusting his strategy. I am not saying he is purposely an evil person, in fact he is probably totally on autopilot, but it still is a masterful game.

 

I could have known nothing of these things had I not lived through the denigration myself, though it didn't last long enough to reach the point you are at.

 

One day, when you find counseling and help and see what other kinds of love are like -- the nourishing kind -- you will look at this as a rotten rat (I'm sorry again for the melodramatic wording) and go HOW ON EARTH DID I EVER EAT THAT, AND MOREOVER, EVEN TRY TO TELL MYSELF THAT THIS WAS AT ANY POINT PALATABLE?

 

Please, please stop minimizing the problem! It is SO hard not to when they are "trying" -- this is truly the most deceptive crux of it -- but I am only slowly coming to see this, and if you were outside your situation you'd see it too -- that his basic method of operation has not changed. It's just gotten a facelift. He needs major reconstructive surgery that is too expensive for you (and he won't even agree to get it!!) -- not just some botox and a facelift.

[tiredofvampires]

Oh boy. I've just read about the pregnancy bit.

 

Though that changes NOTHING that I said, above.

 

You will have to pull on all the resources you have -- family, friends, the pastor and spiritual community now to help you gain resources to have another child since you want to have and keep it. But as far as he goes -- the truth still stands. And a baby will likely make it even worse down the line and more complex difficulties (and more dependency on your part!!!) further imbalance the situationo.

[Hope75]

I can only pray for you that your boyfriend will agree to counseling and make some very serious changes.... and if not, that you know that you don't need to be together to be co-parents to this baby.

 

Being pregnant is not an excuse to be controlled or abused. I hope you will remember that.

[DragonGirl724]

Vampires,

 

EXCELLENT POST.

[SherriLi]

Hi Hope,

 

I have an appointment tomorrow with a legit councillor. We agreed that i'd go to a session alone, and he go to one alone, then from there on we'd go together.

 

The thing with the ex, and the phone #s, Has finally calmed down. It was a horrible few days.

 

He never said a word to me about me scratching out any of the #'s. But..... My site was down lastweek for a day, i was bored and he was out. So i checked out our favorites menu. What did i find? Her email address.

 

I guess, (from what he said) he phoned her mom on mother's day to give her a message. (in HIS mind, he didn't go behind my back, because he didn't contact her..... The message was that he was sorry for ending the friendship the way that he did. Which was by way of voice mail. (i made him do it.) But that he was keeping his word to me anyway. I don't know how or why (i received 2 different stories) but he gave his email to her mom, and she of course gave it to her. He accidentially saved it on his favorites menu.

 

I broke into his email, and read it. I was upset, because i felt that they were going behind my back again. The email was innocent. She called him bro a 100 times blablabala! The words that hit me most, was her opening line "dude, i'm sorry that 's grim on the homefront"

 

When he got home, i walked out. He yelled and screamed at me, saying that he did nothing wrong, he had no clue that she was going to email him, But when i got home he was going to show me the email and email her back. Telling her that he had every intention to stop contact with her. But that he just felt bad for the way he was forced to do it.

 

I told him it was over. He started to pack his things... By the second day of fighting straight, I stopped yelling back. I kept saying it was over.... he wouldn't take that for an answer. He kept calling me every name in the book for not believing him. By the second day, we came to a comprimise, that he would email her and tell her exactly what he had intended to do. Tell her farewell, that he did mean to drop all contact etc. So i asked him to do it right there. He said he was emotionally exhausted. So the next day, everything was fine between us. We had a great day and night. Had plans to leave town together the following day. All night i waited for him to email her. By 11 pm, he still hadn't. I hated to bring it up because things between us were great. But i did.... It was bothering me, so i pushed him once again.

 

I told him that if he didn't do it before i left the following day for the city, then i expected him gone when i came back. He finallly did it that morning. I never said thank you. or anything. I was so angry at all the his ex was still causing us.

 

When i got back that following night, i just sat in my room and tried my best to ignore the screams coming from the living room. At one point i left and when i got back, there were many things smashed. I was scared, I didn't want to leave again, knowing that he'd smash more shyte, and if i stayed i'd have to endure the screaming. He kept saying it was over and all i had to do was say sorry. I didn't know what to be sorry for. He was the one contacting his ex. I felt like the victim. So i never apologized. I waited for him to quit screaming and swearing, until he finally fell asleep.

 

He came into my room at 5:30 he had woken up and was still furious, he kept telling me that i should say sorry.. He was crying and i kept telling him that i don't know what to be sorry for. He jumped on me, and held my wrists above my head, while screaming in my face. I couldn't move i felt so confined.

 

Finally i couldn't take it anymore. I started to cry, all i could say was please let me go over and over. He wouldn't. It didn't even phase him that i was crying. I finally gave in and told him that i was sorry. He asked me if i meant it. I said yes. But i felt numb. It was the end of that.

 

Then, we got into another fight, because he changed his email password after everythign between us was ok. I felt that him doing this meant he was hiding something. He said he needed privacy . I offered to give him my email password. But even that wouldn't do it. So i posted a thread on my site, and he seen everyone's reaction was the same. He's hiding something, or leave him... etc. He finally gave it to me.

 

Now there really isn't anything else. I imagine, we'll have alot of councilling in store for us in the coming monthes. I hope that we can get it all worked out.

[Hope75]

Sherri Li,

 

I cannot believe you are going to stay with him after what happened.

 

He woke you up at 5 o'clock in the morning. pinned you down, a screamed at you and broke stuff- because he contacted an ex.

You are pregnant- and he was violent with you. What happens next time when he goes farther? YOU ARE PREGNANT. This is NOT just about you anymore.

 

Do you really think this is a healthy, safe, respectful and loving relationship?

 

You are kidding yourself if you think it is.

 

I hope you are seriously reconsidering why everyone is telling you to leave him.

 

Think of your baby if you cannot think of yourself.

[tiredofvampires]

Hey DragonGirl,

 

Thanks. Thanks for reading through it all. I just wonder if is was even read or taken in. Sherri? Sherri...? I wonder if a post that requires too much thinking about this situation and soul-searching on Sherri's part is just too much trouble, more trouble to think about the incredible dysfunctionally toxic burden of the relationship than to keep on staying in it. (I'm talking about her in 3rd person, because I feel it's like talking to a brick wall, but if you are reading this Sherri, I'm talkin' to you, girl.)

 

I agree that this is abusive to the max, but it is abusive both ways. I believe that they are abusing eachother -- and this baby is a hapless bystander.

 

Sherri -- even though you are only a few months pregnant, your baby can feel every fearful, hateful emotion you are having and that he is directing at you. And this is just pregnancy...

[SherriLi]

Hi Tiredof vampires,

 

I read your post, and i really appreciate you taking the time to post. I appreciate your concern for me. I really do.

 

I just feel stuck. I love this man. Regardless of what he has done to me. I have never ever slapped a man before him. That started after he beat me black and blue. My temper is much calmer since i've found out i was pregnant and quit drinking.

 

He wasn't like this when we first started seeing eachother. I know his abuse has progressed. Also the thing that frustrates me the most is his way of turning everything around on me, and not hearing what i say when we argue. That's his whole point of arguing with me, is because he says that he just wants me to hear him.

 

I feel more stuck than ever. Being pregnant and carrying his child. I know it's easy for all the people to say leave him.... Its not that easy. My friend on my forum has been pushing me to leave him for 3 months now. With good reason. He hears every fight in detail. But he also hears good things too.

 

When things are good between us, they are better than any good times i've had in any other relationship that wasn't any where near as troublesome as this one.

 

But i'm sure you know where i'm coming from right? You've been where i am. Or at least have an idea where i'm coming from.

 

I just feel so alone. I've stopped talking to my family about our fights. Everytime i go to a family member's house whilst fighting, when i return home, i always get grilled "what did you say to them about me? What did you tell them that i did this time?" When i say nothing he retorts with a "yeah sure... or what ever" like i went there screaming that he's been yelling at me non-stop for 2 days.. etc.

 

When i left to my mom's that night that he was breaking stuff, he called me there 4 times and asked if i was coming home. Finally on the 4th call, i gave in and went home. When i got there all he kept yelling was "what the hell are you doing home? You SHOULDn't be here! Get the hell out... I didn't get it at all.

 

I'm sorry. This thread has become a huge vent session. I can't imagine what you all think of me.

 

I know that i have a low self opinion. No self esteem. Sheesh. I don't even know where to start when i go talk to the councillor today.

[DragonGirl724]

ehh...these 2 are going to go to counseling and will be advised to break up. they're just awaiting the inevitable.

 

this is a seriously discusting prime example of codependancy.

 

it won't last especially after a therapist hears what's going on. If they're good at all they'd sooner request they get a restraining order than a reconsiliation.

 

Sherri, dont think for 1 second therapy will make everything okay between you 2..most couples breakup and divorce after therapy.

 

-DG724

[SherriLi]

ehh...these 2 are going to go to counseling and will be advised to break up. they're just awaiting the inevitable.

 

this is a seriously discusting prime example of codependancy.

 

it won't last especially after a therapist hears what's going on. If they're good at all they'd sooner request they get a restraining order than a reconsiliation.

 

Sherri, dont think for 1 second therapy will make everything okay between you 2..most couples breakup and divorce after therapy.

 

-DG724

 

Wow DG, I'm sorry that my story has offended you in anyway.

 

My intention was not to "Disgust" anyone.

 

See that's why i'm so fond of my site. People there are warm and loving. They keep their snarky comments to themselves.

 

I came here to vent. I'm sorry that i'm not able to share my wonderful relationship... or be able to just up and leave an unhealthy relationship. I can't help the situation that i'm in. I can't leave at this point. I can only hope that councilling WILL help. It's one last stretch at saving this relationship that obviously means something to the both of us.

[DragonGirl724]

I didnt say you were discusting I said this is a discusting example of codependancy when violence breeds more violence.

 

there was nothing offensive in what I wrote.

 

-DG724

[Hope75]

Wow DG, I'm sorry that my story has offended you in anyway.

 

My intention was not to "Disgust" anyone.

 

See that's why i'm so fond of my site. People there are warm and loving. They keep their snarky comments to themselves.

 

I came here to vent. I'm sorry that i'm not able to share my wonderful relationship... or be able to just up and leave an unhealthy relationship. I can't help the situation that i'm in. I can't leave at this point. I can only hope that councilling WILL help. It's one last stretch at saving this relationship that obviously means something to the both of us.

 

Sherri Li,

 

I think more than anything we are concerned for your safety and for the safety of your baby.

 

You staying with your boyfriend after he has beaten and threatened you and even been violent with you while you are pregnant is very alarming.

 

I have also been in an abusive relationship- if you read some of my past posts you will see that I was with him for 5 years and he almost killed me at the end... it started out like yours and escalated.

 

Did you know that incidence and severity of domestic violence attacks tend to increase during pregnancy?

 

You read cases in the media (Laci Peterson, Lori Hacking, and Carol Stuart are some examples of pregnant women who were murdered by their husbands)- studies have been done to show that when a woman is pregnant, the abuse actually usually escalates- you and your baby are in serious danger here.

 

It really concerns me that you seem to think that you will be able to 'work out in counseling' his abusive behavior. Every time you stay with him after he does this to you, you show him with your actions that you accept this sort of treatment- no matter what you are telling him.

 

I wonder if you are as frightened for yourself as I am for you.

 

Here are some articles of interest for you to look over:

 

link removed

 

link removed

 

Many pregnant women are abused by their partners. Abuse may begin or increase during pregnancy.

Abuse during pregnancy can pose a risk to both the woman and her fetus. At this time, the abuser is more likely to direct blows at the pregnant woman's breasts and belly. Dangers of this violence include miscarriage, vaginal bleeding, low birth weight, and fetal injury. The fear of harm to her unborn baby often may motivate a woman to leave an abusive relationship.

link removed

 

Pregnancy can be an especially perilous time for women who are in abusive relationships. Abuse may increase in severity or even start during pregnancy. An estimated 6% of all pregnant women are battered. Problems during pregnancy, such as low weight gain, link removed, infections, and bleeding, are higher for these women. Not surprisingly, babies born to abused women also suffer. Abuse during pregnancy has also been shown to increase the baby's risk of low birth weight, premature birth, and death.

 

link removed

 

How prevalent is domestic violence in pregnancy?

 

Women in abusive relationships may hope pregnancy will reform an abusive partner. The sad reality, however, is that pregnancy is more likely to have the opposite effect: 1 in 6 abused women reports that her partner first became abusive during pregnancy. According to the Center for Disease Control, at least 4 to 8 percent of pregnant women — that's over 300,000 per year — report suffering abuse during pregnancy. Even more alarming: domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to American women between 15 and 44 and is estimated to be responsible for 20 to 25 percent of all hospital emergency room visits by women.

 

link removed

 

 

Battering often starts or increases in severity during pregnancy. Pregnancy abuse may cause miscarriages, birth defects, or mental retardation.

In over half of domestic violence cases, the man beats the children as well as the mother. Child abuse is fifteen times more likely in families where domestic violence occurs.

 

link removed

 

Even if you never come back to update us, my hope is that you will read some of this information and think about it- for yourself, and for your baby.