After 6 months finally had closure talk - confused

[Cindersam]

My ex broke up with me on the phone 6 months ago. He said he no longer had those "in love" feelings. I tried a few times to talk to him but kept getting excuses. He said he didn't want to talk about what went wrong or answer "why" quesitons.

 

I went NC for several months. During this time I realized some things I had done that may have made him put up walls and caused his feelings for me to change. After 6 months I still felt a need to talk to him. I told myself it was for closure since a phone call didn't really provide the closure I needed.

 

So I contacted him and asked if we could talk. Once again he said he didn't want to answer any why questions or talk about what when wrong. He said nobody did anything wrong which is what makes this that much harder. I asked if he would meet with me for closure and just listen to what I had to say.

 

We met this evening. I tried to keep it light. We joked and laughed a lot which made me realize how much I miss him. We get along so well I just don't understand. I told him what I think may have happened. I told him he didn't have to comment. He nodded (slightly) a few times while I was talking and I thought I saw him wipe away a tear although he could have just been rubbing his eyes.

 

He made a few small comments but didn't really say if he agreed with what I said or not. He said he hoped the talk helped me.

 

I had a few drinks so I lost my train of thought a couple of times. Hopefully I said everything I wanted to. The main thing I know I didn't say was to ask if he thought we could ever give us another chance. I wanted to ask but I didn't have the courage. I was planning on asking and then going NC again if I didn't get an answer.

 

I am thinking of E-Mailing him and telling him it was nice to see him and see what he thinks about giving us another try. I know we can never go back but maybe we could go forward? Should I do this and then go back to NC?

 

Yes he broke up with me but since we never had that closure talk until now and i never asked hime for another chance or begged or any of that stuff I think maybe this is the time. It's been 6 months. Any thoughts?

 

I was trying to keep things light so I told him I just wanted to say good bye in person and see him one last time. I never hinted about trying again. But we got along so well and actually had some fun so I was thinking what is the harm at this point? If I E-Mail him I could just ask if there is any chance of us trying again and then if he doesn't respond continue with NC.

 

I have no idea if he is seeing someone but he also has no idea if I am.

 

Any thoughts or advice would be appreciated.

[Belle]

He probably knows how you feel. He broke up with you. Asking him to reconsider is opening yourself up to more rejection. If he wanted you back, he would make an effort to. You are doing the leading, and pushing. I would let it be.

[Aldo25]

If he rejects you via e-mail you're just going to feel crushed all over again. Don't do it, you probably shouldnt have even met with him, I know deep down I'd like to do what you did, sit down with my ex and get closure, but in the long run it's not going to help. Ask yourself this, did you really get the closure you were looking for?

[Akatea]

I agree with Belle. If he really wanted you back, then he would make the effort to get you back. The more you plead and beg for another shot, the further you will push him away. Take the inititive and leave it alone. If he wants you back, he will come back...

[DragonGirl724]

Im sorry but if he wanted a second chance tonight was the night he would have said so.

 

Dont put the breakup entirely on your shoulders, I'm sure he was no angel.

 

I know how you feel about closure...and sometimes closure comes in various forms... maybe you got all the 'closure' you're gona get, or maybe 2 yrs from now he'll pop back up and tell you a different story..no one knows for sure, but you just have to take this as it is. I know how you feel about 'one more email' then it may turn into 'one more phone call' etc..

 

It may just start an unhealthy routine...

 

-DG724

[Rabican]

if you can mentally prepare yourself for him saying no way in hell, then I dont see any reason why you couldnt ask. The worst he can say is no. Or he can ignore you... which is the same thing. chances are, he isnt interested... but maybe hearing it will actually get you the closure you need. Otherwise you may always be thinking 'i wonder if'

 

Just ask, prepare for him to say no and then move on with your life.

 

Dont sweat over the reasons... it could be anything from he moved on, to he was simply bored, or decided hed rather be single for no good reason at all.

[Cindersam]

Thanks to all of you who responded. I understand what you are saying.

 

It's just that I never told him I wanted to try again. Yes he probably assumes that from the fact that he broke up with me but who knows. I pretty much went NC from the time he dumped me. I just kind of feel like I should have put it out there tonight and then let it be if he says no. At least I put it out there and it months from now he wants to contact me he will know that at one point I wanted to try again. I may not be avaiolable then but who knows.

 

If I do it now right after we have had our talk would it really hurt anymore than I already do? I have never asked him for another chance so I kind of fell like I want to. I know he should be the one to initiate it but at this point what would it hurt if I did? Would I be any worse off than I am now? If I just ask once and then leave it alone?

[DragonGirl724]

what are you going to do if he doesn't even reply?

 

 

do whatever you want but tonight he had an opportunity to tell you.

If roles were reversed wouldn't YOU have done it on a night like this?

 

-DG724

[bear12]

i really think since you initiated the meeting, if he is interested in anything more, it's HIS turn to contact you. if you email him again you're likely just going to come off as needy and i dont' think he'll be very receptive.

 

if he really had as nice of a time as you think maybe he'll start thinking about you and initiate some kind of contact and if things go well THEN maybe you might CONSIDER saying something about getting back together down the road after you've spent some more time together.. but that's all VERY speculative of course, and i really wouldn't get my hopes up.

 

think of it like this, i think your chances of getting together are very very small.. but if you email him now, i think they approach zero... i know it's tough, i've been there (am still there) but we have to stop thinking that we can change their minds.. only they can change their minds... the ball is now in his court.. let him sit with it a while and see what happens.. and in the meantime keep on focusing on yourself.

[DragonGirl724]

well said bear12.

 

something else to consider..he knew you wanted to meet up for 'closure' for a relationship that ended...

 

so by now asking him for another chance is like...

 

which did you want?

 

closure to moved on?

or

means to keep hanging on?

 

 

-DG724

[Cindersam]

I understand what you are all saying and I thank you for your suggestions.

 

I am not too concerned about appearing "needy" to him since one of the things we alked about was how I was so independent and didn't seem to need him. I know this is not the same as being "needy" but maybe he needs to hear that I "need" him since I have not shown him that enough in the past.

 

It has been six months and I have not once asked for us to try again. Maybe I should ask at least once if that is what I want?

[Cindersam]

I'm not ignoring all of your advice, really I'm taking it very seriously. I guess I am just emotional right now after seeing him and realizing how much I miss being with him and laughing with him.

 

I just don't know if it would really hurt to let him know at least once that I would like to give it another try and then leave it alone. I cerainly don't want to push him away completely but maybe I owe it to myself to be completely honest with him and then continue NC if he doesn't repond.

[DragonGirl724]

its never attractive when someone 'needs' you.

 

 

its a different story if you love the person and want them there for you when you need something..

 

 

-DG724

[lady00]

I don't know about the whole needing/not needing thing. Somehow I don't think that if you had shown you needed him instead of acting independently that he would have been more into the relationship.

 

I can't stand it when people leave a relationship without explaining. For me that usually signals that the person does not want to say that they are no longer attracted to the other person and they cannot think of another reason to say to mask the real reason (cannot cite disagreements, incompatibilities etc). Sometimes people can be fickle and just lose interest for no reason. I'm not like that myself but I've had it happen to me and it's an awful feeling. But I guess some people are just like that. Trust that if he wanted to come back, he would. Writing him for another chance will not get another chance from him. Maybe it's a good thing...his leaving randomly without an explanation is disturbing. Even if you got back together would he just do the same thing? That would be my main fear w/regard to that.

[Cindersam]

Lady00,

 

That is a very good point about the way he left - if he did it once he may do it again.

 

But I hear on this forum a lot about learning from your mistakes and making thisngs better/different the second time around. Isn't there always that possibility? Isn't it at least worth a shot? I do feel I've learned from my mistakes however I cannot speak for him.

 

It's been 6 months since we split up so I guess it's time to let go and move on.

 

Six years is a long time for me to just give up. I don't understand simply falling out of love after 6 years for no apparent reason.

[DragonGirl724]

Six years is a long time for me to just give up. I don't understand simply falling out of love after 6 years for no apparent reason.

 

I know how you feel, you cant just turn off your love. that would be too easy.