Other people prejudices.

[reknihtwols]

I guess I should start by explaining a little about my current situation. I'm 28 years old and my girlfriend of nearly 18 months is 18 years old. We met originally when she was 16, but we were friends for about 10 months prior to our relationship. We first met in a bar and I wasn't sure of her age, though I found out later in the night as we'd met through a mutual friend. After that we met a couple more times and then started talking online occasionally. The occasional talking became talking every day and after a while we both developed feelings for each other. I pretty much tried to ignore it, my exes had all either been older than me or around my age so I felt uncomfortable with someone so young. I should point out here I'm in the UK and 16 is the age of consent here. After months and months of me trying my best to just be friends with this girl we met up and one thing lead to another and I ended up confessing how I felt, thankfully she felt the same. From there we took things very slowly, seeing each other occasionally though not too often and nothing physical happened for quite a time. Obviously she was rather worried about her parents reactions, and I was a little worried as to how my friends would feel about things. I deliberately avoided putting any kind of pressure on her to mention our relationship to her parents, though we talked about it often and for several months she found them not knowing incredibly stressful. After about 5 months or so she told her parents most of the story (though not my real age, I think she knocked a few years off initially). I told my family and friends almost from day one. We're now about 18 months into the relationship and it's as strong as ever. We're still taking things slow, I haven't met her parents yet though they do now at least know all the facts and I've spoken to them on the phone once or twice. My girlfriend is still though very nervous of us meeting. In terms of the age gap, between us it seems to make no real difference. To pre-empt some comments, I'm successful and not what you'd call particularly immature, I own my own business and I've never had any kind of predilection toward younger women. She's very mature for her age, she's a student at university and is a year above where she should be for her age. Now to the point of my post, what I'm really looking for is advice on how to deal with prejudices about this kind of relationship. I'm fairly sure her parents are just about ok with us, especially as it's been such a long time but several members of my family find the situation strange and aren't afraid to voice their opinions. Are there any other people in similar situations with any advice as to how to treat the situation? It's clear from the length of our relationship that this is neither a flash in the pan or something purely physical yet there is always barely concealed remarks and digs from certain quarters that are starting to get to me.

[Tigris]

Just tell them that you don't interfere or pass judgement on their lives and you want them to do the same. On the other hand ignoring their comments might be better? You know them better than we do.

 

Which members of your family are causing problems?

 

Maybe they're jealous because you've got someone younger who's a wonderful person?

[EvaGina]

This is a COMPLETELY generalised statement

For me, I just cant see it going anywhere... I mean, you might be on the same page now, but she is going to keep growing up and will "surpass" you if you are at the same level now.

I just cant see what a man would want with a girl. I was with an older man at her age, and now I just get creeped out when I think about it.

 

 

That said.. I know that there are exceptions to the rule and if you do stay happy, then all the best to you!

 

When you entered into the relationship, you must have known that you would get a lot of crap for it. Did you weigh that up when you were considering your options?

[PocoDiablo]

Try this on for size:

 

I was 34 when I met my SO who was 21.

 

Comments? CHECK! Her brothers and father wanted to kick my you-know-what? Check! People giving me crap all the time? Check!

 

My caring about what other people think?

 

There is a quote that says something like "If you live your life for others, you are enslaved to them." Really. Who cares what they think? They probably pass all sorts of judgement but do they know ANYTHING about your relationship?

 

My test is this: Do you know my birthday? Place of birth? Middle name? Favorite food? Favorite color? No? Then you don't know enough about me to pass judgement, so shut up and get out of my way.

[PocoDiablo]

Oh, I should add, we've been together for 4+ years now and it's going stronger than ever. Her father likes me even LESS now than before, but it's only brought us together.

[reknihtwols]

Just tell them that you don't interfere or pass judgement on their lives and you want them to do the same. On the other hand ignoring their comments might be better? You know them better than we do.

 

Which members of your family are causing problems?

 

Maybe they're jealous because you've got someone younger who's a wonderful person?

 

It's mainly aunts/uncles. My mothers fine with it (I'm estranged from my father) which is the main thing but the rest of my family are definitely not helping. It's not so much I'm bothered for me, I can deal with the jibes, I'm more worried about how it'll affect my girlfriend.

 

This is a COMPLETELY generalised statement

For me, I just cant see it going anywhere... I mean, you might be on the same page now, but she is going to keep growing up and will "surpass" you if you are at the same level now.

I just cant see what a man would want with a girl. I was with an older man at her age, and now I just get creeped out when I think about it.

 

 

That said.. I know that there are exceptions to the rule and if you do stay happy, then all the best to you!

 

When you entered into the relationship, you must have known that you would get a lot of crap for it. Did you weigh that up when you were considering your options?

 

Yes at the moment we're definitely on the same page, that being said though I am older and I do have to make some small allowances. There's nothing huge to adapt but I do try to remember what it was like when I was her age and at university. I'm sure though she has to do the same with me, I'm different from most of her friends in that I have money and I'm financially secure, and sometimes I like to do different things than her or her friends do. On saying that though it's the fact that we adapt to each other that makes our relationship stronger. We've both learned to accommodate these things while at the same time our relationship in other ways has grown stronger.

 

Yes when we started the relationship I agonised for a long time over potential consequences and I had a lot of misgivings toward the future. I really can't say that other people worry me too much though in terms of how I feel, I just worry that she's having to deal with something that at 18 I didn't have to and I don't want these things to affect her at all. I am a little over protective toward her though (as you can probably tell!) and I just don't want her to get hurt by anything. So far what I've done is ignore any comments we get but when it's family as well as friends it just makes it that little bit harder.

[reknihtwols]

Oh, I should add, we've been together for 4+ years now and it's going stronger than ever. Her father likes me even LESS now than before, but it's only brought us together.

 

Do you still make the effort to get on with her father now? Or are you at the stage where you've almost given up?

 

Congrats on 4 years together too, I hope we make it so far (and hopefully further!).

[PocoDiablo]

Do you still make the effort to get on with her father now? Or are you at the stage where you've almost given up?

 

Congrats on 4 years together too, I hope we make it so far (and hopefully further!).

Well, suffice to say our relationship is a little more complex than usual, and while things were doing great after the first few months (since I'm SUCH a wonderful guy! Ha ha! ) then some family problems came up and he's mad at me for something the wife did. I expect it to settle down here in a while.

 

And yes, I do try to make some effort, but he's kind of the quiet type. We don't have a lot in common, so neither of us really makes a ton of effort. We make small talk, and that's about it.