Mixed Signals?

[Unmotivated]

This girl is confusing me horribly. To summarize, we've been to a movie and a play together and a few other campus events. We've had a pretty good time together, but haven't been very intimate yet. Tomorrow night we're going out to dinner.

 

The weird thing is that I feel like I'm getting a extreme range of mixed signals from her. A lot of the time I feel like she has some geniune feelings for me. I've asked her out twice and both times she kind of blushed and said, "Sure!". Whenever we say goodbye for the day or night she usually looks me in the eyes and speaks in a sweet voice.

 

Other times she seems to act like she doesn't know me. We work in the same building, she comes and leaves during my shift. When she arrived today, I smiled and waved at her, but she didn't really respond. I didn't see her much until she left. Usually she comes and talks to me, but today she just left, only glancing briefly at me over her shoulder.

 

In the past I figured she just didn't want to commit too much because she wasn't sure if I liked her romantically but I think now it's clear that I do.

 

She generally seems to put a lot of effort into what she wears, but some days (like at work today) she clearly doesn't. Maybe she's afraid of approaching me when she hasn't worked up her appearance. If that's the case, I wish I could find some way to tell her that I think she's very pretty regardless of what she wears or how she does her hair. But I've always heard that it's better to compliment a girl's effort, not her beauty, so I'm hesitant to say something like.

 

Anybody experience someone like this or have any tips on what I could say to her? These mixed signals make me nervous that her interest in me is waning.

 

Edit: I'm pretty sure she's only had one boyfriend since she started college (about 4 years ago) and he apparently broke up with her a few months back (reason unknown). I don't have much information about her high school days but from what I did hear it doesn't sound like she was very popular.

[NaNOx9]

The weird thing is that I feel like I'm getting a extreme range of mixed signals from her. A lot of the time I feel like she has some geniune feelings for me. I've asked her out twice and both times she kind of blushed and said, "Sure!". Whenever we say goodbye for the day or night she usually looks me in the eyes and speaks in a sweet voice.

 

Ugh. Sounds really familiar but I don't want to speculate on anything. For now just be emotionally guarded. And don't do anything silly like asking what's wrong, although she's clearly giving off that vibe so it's natural to want to find out. Just tread carefully and keep us updated.

[BManMcFly]

There are a thousand possiblilties of what's going on in her mind, but what I CAN see is that you're not being any sort of a challenge for her... So I would see this type of behavior as her being somewhat interested.

 

I'm gonna use a metaphoe for the ideal situation : Picture 2 magnets repulsing (Not sure of the proper english word for this) each other, but being held together by a rubber band. So, what happens is the magnets get further apart stretching the elastic until the force of the elastic pulls the magnets back together, then the push apart again, rinse repeat. makes sense if you picture it in your mind...

 

So what I'm saying is, when she's pulls away, don't move into her (emotionally or physically) because that is interpreted as needyness ( = Bad).

 

GL

[Unmotivated]

We were in some classes together but now the semester is over and we wont be seeing each other unless it's something we set up ourselves. I'm not sure how to set up seeing her again after the dinner tomorrow. I'm leaving to visit home in a week and I was hoping to hang out with her before I go.

 

She often says that she loves to cook but never has anybody to eat the meal with. I thought I'd insist on paying for dinner and tell that if one of these nights she felt like cooking I'd be happy to come over and dinner with her.

 

Should I just tell her that I'll call her sometime and leave it at that?

 

Or just thank her for the night and say nothing?

 

We both have finals to study for on tuesday next week, I was thinking about asking her to lunch on monday or something, but I don't want to appear needy.

 

I never knew there was so much strategy to dating, lol.

[BManMcFly]

WOAH!! The girl tells you she likes to cook and you STILL haven't had her cook you a meal?!?!?!

 

The act of her telling you she does't have anyone to cook for = Ask me to cook for you, PLEASE!! (As far as I'm concerned at least)... The most you should pay for a date at that point is the ingredients, or bring the movie...

 

Strategy to Dating... Oh wow... This isn't my style, but a friend of mine has IN DEPTH strategy. Let's just say he sees a girl he wants to approach, he won't go up to her, but he will instead go talk to the group of people about a table or two away so that the girl will see him cracking jokes, then he'll send a comment her way, turn back to the group and the girl somehow gets drawn into the conversation, so he can move to where she is, and start flirting proper.

 

This works for him, but to me I'd just get lost in the whole idea of treating people in an event as chess pieces like that.

 

Thing is about strategy and dating is that women like to deny that anything like that would really work, because that lays doubt on anyone that sweeps them off their feet... I mean if some douche knows these things, then it's possible that she be tricked into having a lesser man's babies (biologiically speaking). Some women give very well meaning bad advice because they don't really know what triggers the emotion of attraction in themselves.

 

(So feminists don't attack me) Yes, I know any guy can be seduced as well, and most probly easier than a woman would be seduced, and it is the same with guys, I couldn't tell you what specifically it is about a girl that makes one cute and the next so beautiful that I'm COMPELLED to approach. No, I'm also not saying women are brainless either.

[ves]

Maybe she's being a little guarded because she's not sure how you feel about her.

[kaoticbaby]

i've acted like her a few times, to tell you the truth. flirted with a guy one day then didn't really talk to him much the next. my reason was because i sometimes feel insecure/shy. even with my friends i notice there are days when i am "on" (able to tell a thousand jokes and be the life of the party) and other days when i just want to hide in the corner. if i am attracted to a guy i can sometimes get nervous around him for no particular reason, even if we have hung out before. especially if i am dressed down as you say she was. i got dressed up to visit a guy once at his job, and once i got there i could barely look at him. i felt sort of embarrassed without knowing why, and practically ignored him! but i definitely was attracted to him.

 

so, there's my experience, hope i helped? i think i probably just confused you more there haha.

[Unmotivated]

I appreciate the replies everyone. Thanks for the story, kaoticbaby, it definitely helped.

 

BManMcFly, I think you might be a bit confused about what I said, I was saying that at the end of dinner tonight (at the restaurant), I was going to pay for dinner and tell her that in exchange she could cook some dinner and have me over one of these nights.

 

The thing is she's never told me specifically that she likes to cook and wishes she had somebody to come eat it with her. She's mentioned it twice, but both times were before we had started 'dating' and she was more or less stating it as a matter of fact to a bunch of people.

 

Hehe, and by strategy I wasn't so much talking about seduction and whatnot as being careful not too come off as too uninterested or too needy at the beginning of a relationship, and thus having to make conscious decisions about how often to contact them and what to say when you see them.

 

Anyhow, right now my plan when we say goodbye tonight is to just say something along the lines of, "Well, I'd like to hang out sometime before I head home next weekend, I guess I'll talk to you later."

 

With that plus me suggesting dinner at her place sometime, should I just leave the ball in her court and wait for her to call? Or would that be kind of rude? As a side note, I asked her to the movie, she asked me to the play, and then I asked her to dinner. So maybe it's her turn again?

[kaoticbaby]

she asked you to the play... soo thats a good sign! she took initiative, so she has to be atleast somewhat interested. you said she didn't really have friends in highschool, etc. she could just be shy or insecure.

 

nobody... NOBODY.... in their right mind would classify me as shy. but as soon as i am alone with a "hot" guy every intelligent thought in my head goes straight out the window and i'm just blank.

 

ask her out again. see what happens. let us know!

[BManMcFly]

On this one, do things how you want to... she obviously is very interested in you at this point... Reality factor is that if she calls you to setup dates then she's interested in you. Once she's into you, it's just a matter of maintaining things, unfortunately most people get comfortable and lazy about it.

[Unmotivated]

AS SOON as I heard her state that she would like to cook but has noone to cook for, dating or NOT, my reaction would be : "I'll let you cook for me... I LOVE a homecooked meal, I'll even bring the ingrediants..." LOL I'd try to be first to anwer, so if someone else agrees I can say "TOO Late, I got dibs"

 

LOL. Okay, I see what you mean. She's said a lot of things that I know could have been awesome opportunities for me to advance the relationship, but usually just sit there yelling at myself to say something but nothing comes out.

 

Anyways, thanks again for the help. I'll keep you guys posted.

[BManMcFly]

I know this might sound corny but it's beneficial to have a few default things that you say in certain circumstances... I know it's difficult to plan things ahead that may or may not come up, but a few examples :

 

A friend of mine has one

Girl : Buy me a drink.

Him : Show me your boobs.

 

If a girl bumps into me at the bar

Her : Sorry

Me : Watch yourself

Or

Me : Sorry is for big things like 'sorry I trashed your car' or 'sorry the baby is not yours'... big things

Or

Me : Did you just grab my bum?

 

Just to name a few...

[Unmotivated]

Well, dinner went great. There was some akwards parts but we held up some good conversation for at least an hour and a half. I drove her home and said something about hanging out after finals, honestly I can't even remember what I said. We were both kind of nervous, I was going on like a dork trying think of something to say and there was a kiss at the end. It turned out to be one of the most amusing things that's happened to me in a while. I still can't stop grinning about it.

 

....

 

Anyhow... I was thinking of waiting until Tuesday to call her so that I could ask her how she did on her final exam, and then maybe try to plan a time to get together.

 

So I'd be calling her on the third day after the date. Too much time? Too little time? Any opinions?

 

 

Edit: In retrospect, I'm pretty sure the incident at work was just that she was nervous about me seeing her when she wasn't dressed up.

[kaoticbaby]

she kissed you. she's attracted to you. NOW CALM DOWN A LITTLE! lol.

 

honestly, dating is not supposed to be like rocket science. at this point you know she likes you, or else she wouldn't keep seeing you. just relax and do what feels natural. ask her if she has an AOL or MSN screen name so you could talk to her online, or else call her whatever day you want, i promise she wont think your psycho because your calling her three days after the date and not two or four. actually, i kind of like it better if the guy calls sooner. i hate waiting around, and trust me she's probably waiting

 

just calm down a little, ok? lol

[ghost69]

you keep asking her out, she keeps going. i have now idea what you are so unsure of. put some more moves on her. her reactions will show you how fast she wants to move and how into you she really is. if she stops you altogether and say "whoa whoa, you have me all wrong". then you really know. hope that doesn't happen though.

[Unmotivated]

Today went badly. I waited for her to get out of her exam today (with the pretense that I was studying for my own exam). She saw me, called somebody on her cell phone, sat down and we talked briefly. I was planning on asking her if she wanted to watch a movie sometime, but all-the-sudden she said she was going to go home and relax.

 

I had several things planned to say. Kicking myself for just letting her go. Wondering if she's trying to distance herself from me. It's quite clear that I'm much more crazy about her than she is about me. I don't know what to do. She didn't go home after talking to me.

 

I'm falling apart. Bad timing, I have an exam tonight and I couldn't care less about it right now.

 

I can't call her today, that would just be weird since I already had a chance to talk to her.

 

I suppose it all doesn't sound that bad, but what gets me is that I haven't been able to think about anything but her for the past two days since our date. The whole time I was wondering if she was thinking about me and wondering if I was going to call. I thought she'd be happy to see me today but she was just kind of 'meh'.

 

I'm falling apart.

[ghost69]

omg. why didn't you say anything? the worst she could say was no. she wanted to go home and relax, but took a bit of time out to sit and chat with you. any more signs you need to at least try? call her and ask her to coffee.

[Altruist]

Kaoticbaby has assessed your gf correctly. She's very shy but tries not to show it. It doesn't help much if you're also nervous around her. The past few dates have shown you that she likes you. Now calm down and stop acting nervous around her. The girl is yours.

[Unmotivated]

Thanks for the replies guys. I'm worried about myself though. It's like the smallest thing sets me off into this irrational anxiety and I start going over every detail and coming up with negative interpretations.

 

I found something that kind of helps me though. I try to go back and write down a situation from her perspective, it kind of helps show me the errors I've made in my assumptions and think of other reasons for her behavior.

 

I think maybe I'll call her later today and tell her that I'm really bored with studying and wanted to chat, and I'll say everything I was going to say earlier but didn't.

 

After all, for all she knew I was sitting there trying to study, maybe she thought she was interrupting me.

[ghost69]

she just took a test. her day at the school was done. was she supposed to sit and chat with you the rest of the day? no. your chance isn't gone to move forward, but you need to pick up the pace before you lose it all.

[Unmotivated]

You guys were right. I called her a minute ago and she was really chatty and we set up watching a movie tomorrow.

 

Ooookay, now I think I can concentrate on this studying.

[ghost69]

nice. way to go man.