BF thinks i'm carrying a burden

[SherriLi]

Hi everyone. I'm sorry if this gets long.. I really hope that you stick through and read it, for i REALLY need some input, thank you.

 

I feel so empty, so exhausted from all of this.

 

My bf and i had a painful past. He hurt me terribly, through cheating in the beginning with his ex, pursuing a friendship with her against my wishes after. He beat me up once ( I fought back). I stayed through all of this, and a painful abortion that we both regret. We broke up and he moved. We got back together right away and we LDRed it for a while.

 

When he came back he came with 15 pictures of his ex that she sent him... This became an issue. He lied about how much contact they had through phone and email.

 

I was very hurt by this, i regressed and it brought back all the pain that he put me through in the past with her. We fought and fought, I cried my eyes out one night, and he FINALLY seen the pain he put me through. He couldn't see it before because he was too wrapped up in himself and his wants... So he got rid of the pics, and promised to quit talking to her all together. He phoned and left a message on her machine in front of me and then gave me her numbers.

 

We've been fighting about alot of things lately, and when we drink on the weekends, the fights get ALOT worse.

 

I have an anger in me, I know that i'm still hurting for all the betrayal he's bestowed upon me, but he's been trying SO hard lately, he's been doing everything that he should have in the beginning. He doesn't understand why i'm the way i am. I guess that just because he's been doing everything right for the past 2 monthes, that my flaws should be erased immediately also. Maybe he's right, maybe there's something else deep down inside that's making me so angry.

 

When we fight after drinking, what ever it is that sets us off, leads to other past issues and i end up callling him all the names in the book ( that i don't remember). When we argue, i try to run away from it. I go to my bedroom and he follows and argues more. When i try to get away he pushes me back or won't let me leave the room. Last weekend, he said that i grabbed his throat, which i don't recall. He said we both fell... which i don't recall. I'm still sore everywhere. I counted sixteen bruises all over my arms legs and back. He has one above his eye.

 

The next day he kept on yelling at me, i packed his bags and told him it was over. Then after a while he came into the bedroom and said "tell me your sorry" I told him i was sorry for calling him names that i didn't remember calling him. and for the bruise above his eye i don't recall giving him.

 

He wants me to talk to someone about my anger. He refuses to talk to someone about his because he says that his anger is directed at me, and not about something that happened in the past, he gets angry with me so he thinks his anger is ok.

 

He thinks that i have something horrible burried in my past that fuels my anger. There is a history of sexual abuse in my family. I don't remember being abused. A few of my family members have been abused by an uncle. They have alot of problems because of it. But i can't remember ever being touched.

 

I guess my question is what are signs and symptoms that one has been sexually abused? Would i know if i have been abused as a child? Is he just using his knowledge of this history to direct the blame elsewhere?

 

I want to post about what this argument was about, i think it's pretty important, but i don't want to write a novel that noone will read, so i'm going to post it in the relationship conflicts forum, if anyone wants to check it out.

 

Thanks so much for taking the time to read.

[needopinions]

First of all, you BOTH need to STOP drinking...especially if you get so drunk that you don't remember MAJOR events like this. Second, I think you both need counselling...not just you. Constant fighting, abuse and memory loss are not a good mix for a healthy, happy relationship.

 

Maybe you need to fix yourselves first before you can have a relationship.

[BellaDonna]

He wants me to talk to someone about my anger. He refuses to talk to someone about his because he says that his anger is directed at me, and not about something that happened in the past, he gets angry with me so he thinks his anger is ok.

 

This is ridiculous reasoning.

 

Even if you had been abused in the past- how would that make his anger "ok"? You mentioned that he's beat you up once before? -He does not think he needs help for that?

 

I'm sorry but he's manipluating you mentally and emotionally. He should not just go around suggesting that you've been sexually abused and pin all the relationship problems on that.

 

It sounds like you two are toxic to one another and would be far better off apart.

 

BellaDonna

[sneaker]

When we fight after drinking...

 

You guys needs to quit drinking ASAP. Stay sober and see how things go.

[agent1607307371]

I guess that just because he's been doing everything right for the past 2 monthes, that my flaws should be erased immediately also

 

Two months is nothing.

 

Honestly, if I were you, I would get very far away from this man. He is abusive, and refuses to accept his own part in his behaviour, blaming you.

 

Your anger comes from the fact that he is physically and mentally abusive. Maybe you do have buried trauma, it does not take the burden away from him. It does not excuse him.

 

This relationship seems to bring out the worst in both of you, you need to stay away from the alcohol and seek some councelling.

[SherriLi]

This is ridiculous reasoning.

 

Even if you had been abused in the past- how would that make his anger "ok"? You mentioned that he's beat you up once before? -He does not think he needs help for that?

 

I'm sorry but he's manipluating you mentally and emotionally. He should not just go around suggesting that you've been sexually abused and pin all the relationship problems on that.

 

It sounds like you two are toxic to one another and would be far better off apart.

 

BellaDonna

 

Thank you Belladonna, i also thought that it was ridiculous. A great friend on another forum said the same thing. But the thing is, i want to get help for my anger regardless of wether or not he goes. I know that i can't make him go. So i'm not going to try. I've told him i think he should go to. I've pointed out why. He thinks i'm angry about something other than our problems. And him justifying his anger at me and the things that i say isn't right. I've also told him not to corner me and yell in my face, that it makes me want to run. He does it anyway and my anger intensifies.

 

Then i start insulting him and i feel closed in and want to leave the room and he pushes me back or stands at the entrance and wont let me through.

 

I know that i'd get the "we'd be better off without eachother" speech, i appreciate all the words that you have all taken the time to post. At this point, i am unhappy but i'm still in love with him. We've made it this far and i can't leave after we've made "some" progress. We both want to try harder.

 

I know that we've been drinking too much latelly. It has also been when these fights have broken out. When we are sober and have "tiffs" it's NOTHING like this. So yes, i will talk to him about us cutting back alot.

 

Thanks again for all your replies.

[SherriLi]

The thing that i can't wrap my head around, is what started this argument.

 

I have done one thing that he disapproves of since he's moved back. I think that it's ridiculous (as do others) that he doesn't approve.

 

I have come to love a forum, it's a relationship forum (not a dating site) while he was living elsewhere. When he moved back i wanted to keep posting. So i told him about it, was open and gave him my username to show him that i had nothing to hide.

 

He was jealous. He hated that i even spoke to males on advice threads. It bugged him so bad that he started posting there, behind my back. I knew who he was RIGHT away and confronted him, he lied, but i had proof. He checks my posts everyday and gives me gruff about them... I don't get it.

 

Anyway last week he was posting back and forth with a female member, and he IMed me and asked where i thought she was today. I said i didn't know, and thought if i asked a question like that, that he'd sh*t bricks. I wanted to use this as an example of what he's been jealous about. Just to make him see that my postings were innocent and he was doing the same thing...

 

When i did he was mad and said that it was uncomparable, that my and my friends posts had "overtones????" and that was what he was jealous of.

 

I knew there was no way i was going to get through to him, so i apologized for upsetting him. When i got home he was still mad at me. I told him again that i was sorry, and asked what more i could do... he said nothing. We kept on arguing until my family came over... and the above post was the end result.

 

Just so you know, in the beginning, a few months ago, i told him i wouldn't go on that site anymore, i stayed off for a week, and he told me to go back on. That he's slowly coming to understand that it's not a bad thing.... but after i'd go on he'd get mad at me all over again... IDK,

 

Do you think it was wrong of me to make a comparison to make him see what i was posting was innocent? He can see all of my posts, and i would never post anything that i would "think" would make him angry.

 

Was this whole fight my fault? My anger? and nothing else?

[Siriana]

1. Leave him and never come back. His problems are his only. By staying you're only hurting yourself.

2. Ask for help about your problems

 

This situation is wrong and it will never improve.

[SherriLi]

1. Leave him and never come back. His problems are his only. By staying you're only hurting yourself.

2. Ask for help about your problems

 

This situation is wrong and it will never improve.

 

 

But don't you think that if i go to talk about my anger it will help our relationship? At least somewhat?

 

I know that i shouldn't be calling him ugly things, and if he didn't confine me and as he calls it "try to get me to hear him" but pushing me onto the bed, and not letting me leave the room, i don't think my anger would be as half as bad as it gets. But he keeps doing it, and i feel enclosed and clausterphobic and feel the need to get air. He won't let me and there fore i explode with anger. I know i have some part in our problems and i want to do somethign about it.

 

I just don't like being forced to talk to someone about it. He gave me the name of a Pastor that he wants me to see, he said he was going to call him too. I asked what for, and he said jus to let him know that i'm goingto call him... But he doesn't even know this man personally so i don't really get it.

 

He doesn't want me to see any of the councillor's in town, because the last time i went to see them, they were actually angry with him...... They confirmed that he was in the wrong with him pursuing his ex, with out my blessing especially after he left me for her in the beginning and then cheated on me with her...

 

It's easy to say leave him.... but it's so hard to do. My girls love him and he's been their father for 3 years, especially since their real father is too unstable to support them and be there for them.

[CarnelianButterfly]

He wants you to stop fighting back and control you.

 

Leave him NOW!

 

This relationship is very unhealthy and if you physically fight there is not going to be any good come of it.

 

2 months is hardly time to fix such deep rooted problems. He's being a baby because he doesn't have his way. The fact that he demanded you to apologize further shows he's still self centered. How did you get so bruised? Did he say he was sorry?

[SherriLi]

He wants you to stop fighting back and control you.

 

Leave him NOW!

 

This relationship is very unhealthy and if you physically fight there is not going to be any good come of it.

 

2 months is hardly time to fix such deep rooted problems. He's being a baby because he doesn't have his way. The fact that he demanded you to apologize further shows he's still self centered. How did you get so bruised? Did he say he was sorry?

 

I don't know how i got so bruised, i asked him and he said that i was trying to leave my room, he wouldn't let me and we fell over. Freakin alcohol... I am going to ask him if he'll cut back with me...

 

He was calling me abusive... I agreed to talk to someone about my anger problem. But i also pointed out that i was VERY sore at the time, and he asked to see my bruises. I wouldn't show him them because i knew he'd say they were nothing compared to his (he was a green bruise above his eye, and said his throat was sore). So he called me a liar and said i have none. I wore shorts and a T-shirt the following day and he seen the majority of them. He asked how i got them!

 

I said they were from that night. His reply was "i never touched you. You got those when we fell"

 

No He never apologized. He told me i needed to get help for my anger.

[CarnelianButterfly]

He can't restrict you from leaving, that's unlawful confinement. If you got any bruises from trying to leave and him blocking your path, it is his fault.

 

You need to get out of this relationship. He is abusive. And fighting back and defending yourself isn't abuse, its self preservation.

[SherriLi]

He can't restrict you from leaving, that's unlawful confinement. If you got any bruises from trying to leave and him blocking your path, it is his fault.

 

You need to get out of this relationship. He is abusive. And fighting back and defending yourself isn't abuse, its self preservation.

 

I know he shouldn't be restricting me from leaving the room we are arguing in, but i can't take all the yelling at times, and need to get away. Not out of the house but at least to another room to cool down.

 

How can i get him to see that he needs to talk to someone about his anger too? Do you think that i need help for anger?

 

If what your saying is that i'm not being abusive by trying to escape confinement, does that mean that when i get angry and call him names and try to get away isn't me being abusive back?

 

Or i get so angry that he won't let me leave a room and push and at one point slap him to make him see that i'm to the point of being clausterphobic and desperatley need to get away?

 

This is why he calls me abusive and that i have an anger problem. If i had an anger problem wouldn't i lash out at other people also, and not just at him?

[misskitty]

I would leave this guy. So many things you have written remind me of my ex. You need to realize you cannot change anyone but yourself. No matter what you do, or say, most likely he is not going to get the help he needs. I too was accused of being the abuser. I was also told that my his anger was because of me. I was also given the speech that he will change and get counseling after I tried to file a restraining order. After he got what he wanted(out of trouble with the courts) He turned into the same nasty person he was.

 

Just focus on yourself and your problems, not his. Do not look back. You cannot change him. Only yourself.

[SherriLi]

I would leave this guy. So many things you have written remind me of my ex. You need to realize you cannot change anyone but yourself. No matter what you do, or say, most likely he is not going to get the help he needs. I too was accused of being the abuser. I was also told that my his anger was because of me. I was also given the speech that he will change and get counseling after I tried to file a restraining order. After he got what he wanted(out of trouble with the courts) He turned into the same nasty person he was.

 

Just focus on yourself and your problems, not his. Do not look back. You cannot change him. Only yourself.

 

 

Thank you for your words MissKitty. I plan on going to see that person he wants me to go see. But I'm paranoid that he's in cahoots (sp?) with him. I guess this person is a good friend of his mothers. He also said that he doesn't know him. But that he'd be calling him...

 

Do you think that what i talk about with this pastor will remain confidential?

[thelonelydoll]

SherriLi -

 

My alcoholic ex very often told me that I was the one who had a problem with anger. His examples were absolutely ridiculous and simply had no basis in fact. I was thinking about this just last night, because it still bothers me, that I suffered his rages and he had the nerve to point the finger at me. It's very typical - and it's called projection.

[SherriLi]

SherriLi -

 

My alcoholic ex very often told me that I was the one who had a problem with anger. His examples were absolutely ridiculous and simply had no basis in fact. I was thinking about this just last night, because it still bothers me, that I suffered his rages and he had the nerve to point the finger at me. It's very typical - and it's called projection.

 

So what your saying, is that I shouldn't feel guilty for these fights?

 

Did you defend your self when you two fought and argued?

[SherriLi]

Part of me is trying to talk myself out of going to talk with this Pastor. I don't even know what to say to him when i call him....

 

"hi, uhhhh i heard you council people...... can i talk to you about some things?"

 

i just don't know what to say to him. I think my bf's mom told him to guide me there. I'm scared that what ever i say to him will leak to her. I haven't even met her yet, i don't want things to go down like that.

[CarnelianButterfly]

You should see the Pastor and tell him what your BF does to you.

 

Yelling at him isn't right, but yelling doesn't leave bruises. Forcing someone to remain in a place they don't want to be, causing them bodily harm is abuse.

 

How can you be so sure the alcohol is what makes you forget, if you fell you could have had a concussion and blacked out. The fall caused by him.

 

If you see the pastor, ask him for help leaving your abusive boyfriend.

[SherriLi]

You should see the Pastor and tell him what your BF does to you.

 

Yelling at him isn't right, but yelling doesn't leave bruises. Forcing someone to remain in a place they don't want to be, causing them bodily harm is abuse.

 

How can you be so sure the alcohol is what makes you forget, if you fell you could have had a concussion and blacked out. The fall caused by him.

 

If you see the pastor, ask him for help leaving your abusive boyfriend.

 

How do i approach the pastor by phone though? I'm terrible at asking anyone for help..... I don't know if he even does this sort of thing... I have no clue how my bf knew that either... Other than that the info could have only came from his mom.

[CarnelianButterfly]

You just ask.

 

Don't tell him you feel guilty, or its all your fault, because it isn't. You're BF is calling your self defense anger. He's trying to get you to be complacent and take all his crap with out question.

 

Tell the pastor, that your BF is asking you to talk to a pastor because your BF is not taking responsibility for his actions and blaming it all on you.

[Siriana]

But don't you think that if i go to talk about my anger it will help our relationship? At least somewhat?

 

 

This is the sentece that discovers your deep involment in the abuse circle. How hard it affected you - he managed to persuade you how you're guilty for the abuse - which you're not.

Even if you were acting annoying he could easily choose a different way of acting over being abusive as any other normal guy would.

 

No, it wouldn't because abuser is abuser no matter what.

[SherriLi]

This is the sentece that discovers your deep involment in the abuse circle. How hard it affected you - he managed to persuade you how you're guilty for the abuse - which you're not.

Even if you were acting annoying he could easily choose a different way of acting over being abusive as any other normal guy would.

 

No, it wouldn't because abuser is abuser no matter what.

 

Thank you for your insight Syrix,

 

Although i know what he was doing was wrong. He shouldn't be restricting me to a room, so he can "get through to me" as he puts it. But... He wouldn't let me out of the room, i was angry to begin with, and wanted out because i was feeling clausterphobic. He wouldn't let me out, so i pushed him and yelled at him to stop confining me. He pushed me back. This fueled my anger and i pushed him again. When i couldn't get through... I slapped him, apparently that's how he got his bruise above his eye. He also said i grabbed his throat.

 

I can't help but feel like an abuser especially after he called me one. :sad:

 

Another thing that i don't like is that he's going to call this Pastor before i do. I have no idea what he's going to say to him. That makes me feel very uncomfortable.

 

*sighs* I really don't know what will happen... I feel like i'm trapped into going to see this man, while my bf doesn't talk to anyone about what he's diong. He doesn't think he's doing anything wrong when he pushes me and won't let me be free to roam the house or pace or get out of his face for a moment to cool down.

 

He doesn't understand that this makes my anger ALOT worse. I think he thinks that i should give in and bow down everytime we have a disagreement. Am i not entitled to my own opinion?

[agent1607307371]

To him? No.

 

This is an abusive relationship. His actions are designed to make you doubt yourself.

 

Don't go to this Pastor, I honestly don't think it will end well. Find a therapist of your own who you trust.

 

Honestly, this will get worse.

[SherriLi]

To him? No.

 

This is an abusive relationship. His actions are designed to make you doubt yourself.

 

Don't go to this Pastor, I honestly don't think it will end well. Find a therapist of your own who you trust.

 

Honestly, this will get worse.

 

Yeah, i was going to go to the only councilling organization here at the hospital. i went there once, right before he beat me. This was when i VERY first started getting angry at him and showing my anger. It was when he pursued a frienship with his ex against my wishes. It really hurt me, so instead of trying to make things right with him while we were arguing, i would get angry and yell at him. Where as before, i'd do anything to make things right between us when HE would get mad at me for some stupid (it always seemed stupid) reason. I'd cry and cry instead of getting angry.

 

Anyway, I went to talk to a councillor there, and i told her everything that was happening, and she was angry at HIM. She said that what he was doing was wrong. That i wasn't doing anything wrong.

 

My next appointment came, and i didn't go, because i had a goose egg on my forehead and my right eye was closed shut, the whole right side of my face was bruised.

 

I told him what the councillor said and he said oh all councillors have been abused and they are bitter towards men... then he wanted me to see the pastor. So, really i don't know anywhere else to go. This town doesn't have any other rescources.

 

Does anyone know if there are any free anger management courses on the net anywhere?