Need help sorting this out...

[music lover 88]

I don't know what to do, I'm SO confused. First of all, I'm glad to finally be posting in the "dating" area as opposed to the "breaking up" or "healing after break-up" area. Its been about a year since my ex and I broke up.

 

He was my first boyfriend, and I've never really dated anyone before him, and still haven't after our break up. Its not that I don't want to, but its been hard finding the "right guy." And its taken soo long to get over him, I haven't really been able to focus on anyone else until now.

 

So here's the dilemma...I have a really busy schedule, and thought that internet dating sites might be useful. The problem is unless I specifically use an Indian Dating site, its hard to find a guy the same ethnicity/religion as me. I tried link removed anyways, to see what would come up, and I listed my specific preferences. But, guys are sending me emails/winks that are not with in those preferences, and couple of them sound like really good guys! I'm so torn, I don't know what to do.

 

I really want to meet someone new, and I feel that I'm finally ready, and excited to do so. But, my last relationship was a disaster because the guy I was with was Caucasian and I am East Indian, and SO much drama came from that. Granted, it wasn't only because of that, but the majority of the problems were based in that aspect. I don't want to be in another relationship that is so difficult to make happen. It seems there should be lots of other Indian guys out there--where creating a long lasting relationship would be more feasible.

[Raincheck]

What's your question?

 

If you are too busy to date, but want to, find time.

 

Forget internet dating sites, go outside...let men approach you. Since you have specific requirements learn where the men you want to approach you go and go hang out there with a friend.

[friscodj]

Hey music_lover-

 

I understand what you are saying here and understand how you feel.

 

I think to a large extent you are thinking and looking ahead trying to avoid a potentially painful situation. You're just getting past your last relationship and just trying to protect yourself. There's no shame in that at all.

 

You say you want to meet someone new and you are hearing from guys that sound pretty good for you. Go for it! You're not getting married here, you're talking to and potentially going out and meeting new people. That is a big part of dating: meeting a lot of different people and getting to know them and yourself in the process, while going into this with the best intentions with an open heart and an open mind.

 

I believe you are looking too far ahead and trying to predict things that you have control over that haven't happened yet. Because of your last relationship, you are more aware of the signs to let a relationship go and because of your pain, have the motivation to do so should those signs arise for you.

 

But there is no need to create them on the basis of just your past at this point. You may meet some of these guys and they might become one of your best friends. You may meet some of these guys and become aware that there are better traits, characteristics, etc. than what you thought you wanted. You may meet some of these guys and become more convinced of the traits, characteristics, etc. of what you thought you wanted. And you might be pleasantly surprised along the way...

 

Who knows? That's my point. Get out there and start finding out!

[music lover 88]

Raincheck, thanks for the advice. Unfortunately, its not always easy to "find time," but its something I can work on.

 

I should have been more specific in my original post...I was mainly trying to figure out whether I should give the guys "outside my preferences" a chance...like what if they turned out be really great? But I think I've answered my own question. Preferences are called preferences for a reason, and the reason I set them is because my life was messed up when I was with someone outside them. I have to remember to break it down like that, because things get cloudy when I start thinking about the "good times" I had with my ex, and could potentially have with someone new.

[Cassie]

Hi MusicLover - it sounds like you may be passing up some great potentials because you're prejudging by unfair criteria. Try stepping outside the mentality of fear that since it didn't work with your ex, it won't work with anyone who has a similar ethnicity as his.

 

Every person is a precious and unique individual, and you could be sabotaging a potentially great and fulfilling relationship if you continue to judge all men based on your ex's actions and imperfections.

 

There are tons of truly great men out there - try not to limit yourself too much. If someone has you intrigued, go pounce!

[music lover 88]

Thanks for your reply! I agree, I think I do need to get out there and find out what I want. But I think I need to choose from a specific pool of people. Its guaranteed that if I don't date someone who is the same ethnicity/religion as me, that problems will arise. I don't want to repeat the same mistakes I made before. I don't want to invest in someone, if I know there will be major difficulties for the relationship to succeed. My family and I, we've been through so many hardships, not just because of my past relationship, but other things that we're dealing with. I don't want to put myself or my family through any more pain, especially not intentionally.

 

I know just meeting someone or hanging with them doesn't mean we're getting married, by any means. But its a possible baby step in that direction someday. I think I need to remove myself from sites/situations where its unlikely that I'll find the type of guy I'm looking for. I know for most people that means someone you "click with" or something of that nature, but for me it also includes someone who shares my ethnicity and religion.

[friscodj]

Well then there you go. You have shown strong conviction here that someone sharing your ethnicity and religion is paramount. Those are non-negotiable traits for you and that is a given!

 

So the issue now becomes where to find such a connection. Are you affiliated with a university at all? Or have one nearby? I have several friends in my research group from India who are single and good guys! I suspect the case at other universities as well, especially in the sciences.

 

Your community may have something to this effect as well, a church perhaps? And the Internet is always an option. This is a situation where you can post a profile on several different dating sites and specifically state what you are looking for. If you receive contact from someone not meeting your 2 key traits above, delete the contact. If you feel like you are missing out on something by doing so, keep reminding yourself of your family and your past experiences to this end. If you still after that feel the urge to return contact, I would do so!

 

You can also search and email guys as well. There's nothing wrong with that, especially if you have specific criteria you are looking for that they share.

 

At any rate, I believe you will find what you are looking for when the time is right for you. Just keep focusing on and building happiness in your life, in your passions, hobbies, work, school, etc. You don't need a relationship to be happy and fulfilled, but if an opportunity for one finds you (which it will), you will not only have had the experience of living a full and happy life, you will have grown accustomed to such happiness, strengthened a belief that you deserve such, and have much to share with the right person.

[music lover 88]

This was very helpful...thank you!

[ghost69]

i think love has no ethnicity. it can be a criteria you are searching for, but why do you do that? it's like blinders on a horse, you can only see so much in front of you and miss the nice scenery on the sides.