Kinda long...right thing to do?

[darkpumpkin]

Here goes the story......I went out with my ex for 5 months. Broke up because he stopped caring about me. Wouldn't make me a priority, never called or asked me to do things. Always...I mean always fought. We broke up and I did what I thought was best for me. Read some self help books wrote him that I wanted him back and told him to not contact me because I couldn't be friends.

 

Well a week and half later he said he wanted to try again. I jumped at the fact thinking I've really learned somethings about myself that would stop most of the fighting that went on before and how to deal with certain things he had done. Silly silly me I should have asked myself has he changed?

 

First week back together was great. Just like when we first started dating. Then the second week he became more distant. Didn't call and didn't bother making plans with me unless it was near the end of the weekend. Third week he went two days without saying a word to me and when I asked him why his repy " I was depressed and need space". He told me I made him feel like I wasn't good enough for him when we fought I said he was being silly.

 

I joined Facebook three months ago and in that Second week I found out he had a profile on it. I also found that a certain girl made the comment "So when we going on a date...Bud?" I confonted him about it last week. Probably not the best way and after a bit of a fight he said he wasn't looking for anyone else and that just to ask him when things are up. I thought things are all good. He came over for easter dinner (was quite rude to my famliy but wasn't feeling good so I let it slide) and I spent the night (just sleeping since he hadn't wanted to have sex with me or try to in the last 3 weeks)

 

Monday I look at Facebook and I see that the girl above who had wanted a date wrote on her friends page she had a date with *same name as my bf* well I called the bf and he said nope not him. I then remembered what her friend had said bout how she knew my bf......they had met at the "girl who wanted a date* house and she was sad she was to drunk to rub the crotch. I asked him Yesterday morning when where you at this persons house. He never really answered. So I did what I had to do. I messaged *the girl who wanted the date* and asked her what was going on between them. She said nothing. I told the bf what I had done and that I was wrong. He blew up. Telling me I check up on him, that I'm sneaking around. That he doesn't have time for my insecurites and that if I can't trust what he says find someone else.

 

I was taken a back. This was the same guy who said I love you and when you see something off just ask me about it and I will explain. That's what I did. Didn't get mad, didn't accuse, just asked.

 

Haven't talked to him since. I don't really think I should. What do you guys thing?

[Batya33]

I think you should not be with someone you don't trust. I think he is right to be angry at you for checking up on him that way -- if you don't trust him that is your issue, not his. I have read several posts of yours and I am baffled why you are still with this guy. Other than "but I love him!" you do not trust him, you do not find him reliable or sensitive to your needs for communication, he will not be sexual with you, etc. What is in it for you other than to avoid being alone and have a warm body next to you once in awhile?

[Jayar]

I think you should not be with someone you don't trust. I think he is right to be angry at you for checking up on him that way -- if you don't trust him that is your issue, not his. I have read several posts of yours and I am baffled why you are still with this guy. Other than "but I love him!" you do not trust him, you do not find him reliable or sensitive to your needs for communication, he will not be sexual with you, etc. What is in it for you other than to avoid being alone and have a warm body next to you once in awhile?

 

AMEN TO THAT!!! I mean, Pumpkin, we can only do so much to help you when you positively refuse to help yourself.

[darkpumpkin]

Let me make something clear. I have not once checked up on him since we got back together. He is on my friends list. And I am at work and I look through friends lists and check their profile and look at there friends list. I don't know what is in it at this point. I guess I made excuses all the time why he did certain things. Never called me, when I would bring up an issue I had with something and he would say "If you didn't do this I wouldn't act this way" I just assumed it was always me and my fault.

 

And I guess that's what I"m doing now. I guess I just feel like it's my fault he can't give me what I need.

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

I am confused. I thought you cut this guy off once you found out he cheated? Why are you still in the likes with him?

[darkpumpkin]

because he told me that I was being silly and that nothing had happened. He said it was my own insecuities and that there was a reasonable explaination for it.....and I thought there was so off I was thinking that I just overreacted and what not.

[Jayar]

What he's doing is very classic, turning the tables and shifting the blame. If you stay with him much longer you will think so little of yourself you won't have ANY hope of getting out of this and into a better relationship. It's already at the point you're blaming yourself... That is not healthy.

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

I strongly feel he is up to something and he making you feel silly. Have you read that article by Joe Carver? I urge you to read it and be honest with yourself.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

It is not you...it his him. He is doing things to make you feel insecure, and then when you react (which is what he wants) he then makes you feel like it is your fault. Bad road to go down. This guy is bad news. Cut your losses and run away from this loser. He is not worth your time and he will only get worse as time goes on and he does more and more things to erode your self esteem.

[darkpumpkin]

You know what guys I'm sorry. I was just having one of those horrible weak moments. This guy never changed and he never wanted what I had clearly stated I wanted. I don't apologize for what I did yesterday about asking him and the girl I did because something seemed up. He didn't have to be so mad and defensive. (I really don't ask him everyday, or other week what he doing and if he's cheating). I just feel like I screwed up when I know in my brain I didn't. He's played games on me and to me and I let him.....maybe that's why

[kellbell]

That is why it is paramount you stay away from him. Relationships can be tough but they should not be THIS tough. No contact....all the way.

[darkpumpkin]

Wow that link you gave is sort of scary when you read it and see mostley to an extent the signs I've seen. Why is it people can fake something for a time and make you believe that is who they are and then boom they are this other person. A person you may not have even spoken to if you knew who they were.

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

"Why is it people can fake something for a time and make you believe that is who they are and then boom they are this other person."

 

He has been the same person all along, you either chose to ignore the red flags or signs, or denied them, or justified them in some way. Signs all always present, it is my feeling many people feel love and understanding will change the person, when we know this is not the case.

[Batya33]

Let me make something clear. I have not once checked up on him since we got back together. He is on my friends list. And I am at work and I look through friends lists and check their profile and look at there friends list. I don't know what is in it at this point. I guess I made excuses all the time why he did certain things. Never called me, when I would bring up an issue I had with something and he would say "If you didn't do this I wouldn't act this way" I just assumed it was always me and my fault.

 

And I guess that's what I"m doing now. I guess I just feel like it's my fault he can't give me what I need.

 

"I messaged *the girl who wanted the date* and asked her what was going on between them. She said nothing."

 

If that is not checking up, I don't know what is.

[ImThatGirl]

DarkPumpkin - The paranoia, the walking on eggshells, the feeling crazy and out of line. Honey, please stop ignoring that all of that is not all "you."

 

The things you write.... Could so be words out of my mouth as well. I've been dating someone off and on for 8 months. And I have been through many of the same stages you have. And ultimately feeling like I was STUCK. I'm still not home free yet but I am working to break the habit. I think you should to.

 

Answer something for me, please. Why do you want to be with him?

 

I have found that the biggest reason I have difficulty "not" being with my ex is that I miss the companionship. Even though the attn was often negative, it was still an adult to talk to.

 

At times, I felt like our relationship was like self mutilation. More like "mind and emotional mutilation." I'm guessing you have felt like that too. If you feel like you have to sacrifice your soul, wants, stability, security, and desires to be with someone, it's just not worth it.

 

Please.... Please try. I hear that it gets easier!

 

Hugs~

[darkpumpkin]

Um not doing to well right now. After Batya 33 I'm thinking maybe this is me. Maybe if I gave him a bit more trust he would be a good boyfriend......Maybe I should apologize to him.

[ImThatGirl]

DarkPumpkin - Do you want to continue in this spiral forever?

 

Batya made a good point. You shouldn't be checking up on him. He has done things in the past that have added to your insecurity, etc.

 

I think that you need to be honest with yourself. Trust me when I say I know how hard it is!!! At this point, it doesn't matter what he does, you will still analyze everything and worry. On the same note, he doesn't treat you well anyway. How long are you going to let this go on?

 

Please answer this:

 

Why do you want to be with him?

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

"Maybe I should apologize to him."

 

No, please, do not do that. That is what he is expecting. What's done is done. Learn from it and move on. This guy is not worth the trouble. Hang in there and keep talking to us.

 

(((HUGS)))

[darkpumpkin]

Because when I first met him for the first time in my life I felt that spark. Because after being with him for that month I saw how similar we are in certain ways and he wanted to settle down and start a life with someone he connceted with. He had a great sense of humor and treated me like a queen. He couldn't get enough of me and wanted me all the time. Then 3 months later...fights started......For the first week we got back together that's how it was (like when we first met). When he started changing again I gave him space. Didn't call, didn't let it bother me that he didn't ask me to do anything during the week. Blamed his "problem" on the fact that he didn't want to have sex or touch me in anyway. Didn't care about his profiles because "they were meaningless and just boosted his self a steem". I had one hiccup last week due to the comment about the date. He told me he was never on that particular profile....the days that followeed showed he was on there for a few hour every day.(again I know this because it tells you when a friend has updated their profile and when on your own page).....I couldn't trust what he said anymore when he put his number up on his profile.

 

Why do I still want to be with him. Why am I dying to call him or email him and say I'm sorry because maybe if I gave more trust/ game him more space/ took a different approach for sex he would be the guy I met again.

[kellbell]

"Because when I first met him for the first time in my life I felt that spark."

 

So, you going through all this pain and drama for a spark? Pumpkin, a spark only accounts for a small fraction of a relationship. A tiny fraction. There are so many other things that go along with being in a relationship such as love, kindness, compromise, TRUST AND RESPECT! From what you have described so far about your relationship, none of it is present. Perhaps you are in love and clinging on to a FEELING rather than your boyfriend. Those are completely separate entities.

 

I had a spark, a very strong spark with an ex. But that was it. He was totally wrong for me, he never treated me with respect, kindness, compassion, none of it. People can have a spark with many people, it is does not mean they are a match or will be right for one another.

 

Your (ex) boyfriend is bad news, treats you with disrespect, has profiles up on the internet (which he actively engages in), his actions make you feel paranoid and crazy, it is all wrong. Please do not confuse drama with love.

[darkpumpkin]

Kellbell/I'mThatGirl: Thank you. I really had a bad moment there and you both were so supportive. I came here today and posted because I didn't want to be weak and break n/c which as much as I would like to think I should I really can't. Not for the better of my happiness or for my worth. I'm still not looking to forward to being alone but it will be better then being hot and cold every day with someone for whatever reason isn't the one for me.

[kellbell]

It will be okay Pumpkin. You just have not given yourself a chance yet. You will be better, I promise.

[Batya33]

It's easy to feel a spark for a month, easy to get along for three months. A long term relationship is different and it requires a solid foundation of trust. You do not trust him. You have some basis for not trusting him. It didn't work out because he is not interested in being in a serious relationship with you and you want one with him, so you want different things. If you were ok with him dating other people, he probably would be ok with dating you casually and speaking to you once in a blue moon when he felt like seeing you. That won't work for you with this guy.

 

I realize it was the "first time." My first time feeling that way was when I was 14 (and yes it felt entirely real). It was over in a month when he dumped me. I was completely devastated. Having that spark is lovely, having that honeymoon period is lovely, it has little relevance to whether you can have a health long term relationship with the person. When you date, you have to accept that many dating relationships end after the honeymoon period when people come down to earth and realize that they don't have enough in common or want the same things. If you cannot accept that, you shouldn't be dating with a serious relationship as a goal.

[darkpumpkin]

But what about those who tell you they are on the same path and want the same goal....wait I think I can answer that one. They realize after the come down to earth that the other person isn't the right person or that is not what they are really looking for....

[Batya33]

But what about those who tell you they are on the same path and want the same goal....wait I think I can answer that one. They realize after the come down to earth that the other person isn't the right person or that is not what they are really looking for....

 

It's watch the feet not the lips. Over time - several months you see if they are working towards their various goals. Someone can really want to write that novel, or learn French or get married in a few years, or be financially stable to support a family and tell you all of that on date one and really mean it. But seeing it in action you only get to see over time. And I am not talking just a few months.