its just like GWB keeps saying...

[TheFoglifter]

I've hit a snag in my relationship that has allowed me to see the war in Iraq from a whole new perspective.

 

The Prez has an end in mind that he is committed to achieve, despite the fact that some have completely lost faith. He keeps saying:

 

Just a little more time, just a little more money, just a few more troops, just a little more progress, just a bit more, just a bit more, just a bit more...

 

I know that our problem can be worked through if I don't give up, even though she is making it seem like i should. I know in my heart its meant to be, and I think she does too even though she is frustrated and angry.

 

Like GWB, I'm trying to ignore the critics, the naysayers, and those who would have us give up (including the other party itself), and be right in the end. The costs may be high, but success is imperative.

 

Just food for thought.

[sophie274]

Why do you feel like success is imperative?

[TheFoglifter]

Because I love my girlfriend, we've been through a lot and beaten odds before, and I don't see this as any different.

 

Because the reason that the divorce rate is over 50% is because people do not feel that success is imperative.

 

What is the alternative? Every time we have some problem, we should turn tail and run? How many threads in this forum are from people upset because their partners run away whenever something needs to be addressed. If you run from problems, you'll be running FOREVER.

[Iceman26]

I suppose it depends on what the two of you are fighting for?

[sophie274]

Well, if you are married and have taken vows that in my opinion that is a whole different ballgame.

 

I think it's great that you want to work through your problems, but your post sounds to me like you are worn out and a bit desperate - as in, exhausted from trying so hard. If you keep going through this, is it worth it? Are the good times worth the bad? As our president is (maybe) doing - just to continue your analogy - maybe it's time for a cost-benefit analysis.

 

"Giving up" now would not be "turning tail and running everytime you have a problem", it would be a rational decision based on how the relationship is going an admission that things aren't working out, and that maybe it's time to cut your losses.

 

Just to be clear, I'm not saying you should break up. It just sounds like you would consider a break-up a personal failure, "quitting", cowardly ... Breaking up is none of those things. And just because you break up now does not mean you are doomed to run away from your problems. Yes, many problems that people leave could be fixed, but above all you need the willingness to fix them. The fact that your girlfriend is "making it seem like you should [give up]" seems to be saying - "I'm not willing".

[Dako]

Because the reason that the divorce rate is over 50% is because people do not feel that success is imperative..

 

Those people who stay in a tense, unhappy marriage aren't successful, either.

I hope you find success by working towards it.

 

Hopefully it isn't like warfare.

[TheFoglifter]

But I WANT it to work out, and I will do whatever it takes until that is no longer possible.

 

We've been through a few times over these many years where she gets in one of her "i'm so sad, i'm so sad" moods, and starts talking about how she doesn't want something, and then when she calms down, she re-energizes, and we've ALWAYS bounced back.

 

So many things seem hopeless at times -- after all the love i've given, and all the things i've done for her, how DARE she pull this crap on me.

 

I just don't see many options here, I don't want to abandon something that means so much to me -- even if times are tough and it seems now like nothing is worth salvaging. I know that isn't true, it just can't be true.

[ghost69]

But I WANT it to work out, and I will do whatever it takes until that is no longer possible.

 

We've been through a few times over these many years where she gets in one of her "i'm so sad, i'm so sad" moods, and starts talking about how she doesn't want something, and then when she calms down, she re-energizes, and we've ALWAYS bounced back.

 

So many things seem hopeless at times -- after all the love i've given, and all the things i've done for her, how DARE she pull this crap on me.

 

I just don't see many options here, I don't want to abandon something that means so much to me -- even if times are tough and it seems now like nothing is worth salvaging. I know that isn't true, it just can't be true.

 

i've been through this with my gf. your gf is how i act to my gf. she loves us all the time, no matter what. sometimes i break off and run the other way. but in my head i know it can work. you have to pursue it to no end. once it is completely lost and you can see the battle is over, then move on. but if you don't try, what is the point of EVER having a relationship right?

[sophie274]

But I WANT it to work out, and I will do whatever it takes until that is no longer possible.

 

We've been through a few times over these many years where she gets in one of her "i'm so sad, i'm so sad" moods, and starts talking about how she doesn't want something, and then when she calms down, she re-energizes, and we've ALWAYS bounced back.

 

So many things seem hopeless at times -- after all the love i've given, and all the things i've done for her, how DARE she pull this crap on me.

 

I just don't see many options here, I don't want to abandon something that means so much to me -- even if times are tough and it seems now like nothing is worth salvaging. I know that isn't true, it just can't be true.

 

Honestly, one the one hand I am hearing that you are just frustrated (a low in your relationship), on the other hand it seems like you are clinging on for dear life to something that is past its expiration date. Only you know which of the two of those it is, unfortunately!

 

Still, I think it might help your state of mind (and happiness) if you do look at the situation with the mindset that you have choices: that you can end the relationship if it is not working, you will bounce back, and things will BE ok. I understand that you don't want something that has brought you so much happiness to end ... sort of sounds like you are afraid of your feelings? Just because you've ALWAYS bounced back doesn't mean you will now, and if it feels like it might not be worth salvaging then examine those feelings, they are not coming out of nowhere!

 

Anyway, I don't want to sound like I am advocating a break-up. I have felt this way in the past - like it HAD to work out but it wasn't working out, and felt really desperate. What I did was decide to "fake it till you make it" for a month, stop worrying about the issues, just try to focus on your partner. Not sure if it would be appropriate in your situation depending on what you two are fighting about, but it really helped me, and now things are great! Once I stopped worrying about the future and focusing on these issues, they sort of went away. (Not saying you shouldn't talk about conflict with your girlfriend - it was the kind of thing that we had hashed and re-hashed and was going nowhere).

 

So that might work in your case. Otherwise I would keep working at it until you can't do it anymore, but really, you have a full set of options, and I hope your fear doesn't keep you from making the appropriate decision.

 

Good luck!

[Gargite]

It is said that the hardest job in the Navy (or for that matter any other service) is that of a wife, or husband as the case may be. I'm active duty myself, and I can certainly relate to the troubles that can bring to a relationship. It takes more than just being in love. 3 month, 6 month or longer deployments seem to pass quickly to everyone except your family back home (including significant others, regardless of marital status), and war can certainly change people not always for the better. The short story is you too, will need help and support, and advice from people who have been there and done that. The military is a tight community, almost like a big extended family. Avail yourself of that and it could get easier.

[TheFoglifter]

Here's the major difference though -- in my relationship, no matter how long I stick it out, I am only sacrificing myself. The chimp is playing with the lives of people who are worth a hell of a lot more than his. Gutless coward has no vision or clue, and doesn't care because he's writing checks with someone elses money.

 

Sophie's post was pretty thorough in that I feel both ways at times. Sometimes I think "what the hell am I still doing here" and other times I think "this is too special to give up". Yes I'm terrified of losing something so special, and before I consider letting it go, I need to know whether or not SHE wants to make it work.

 

I know I probably will be OK after healing, and will get someone else. What she does afterwards is her business, though I can see her learning a lot of lessons from us, and then the next guy gets the deal I should have had. If I do have to find another relationship, I vow to be a LOT more selfish, and look out for MY needs. Needless to say, whoever gets her next gets an improved girl, but whoever gets me next gets a broken man.

 

I suppose the decision is up to her -- she's the one with the doubts. If she discards me though, there won't be a second chance.

[sophie274]

Good to see an update of sorts. I was wondering about this post!

 

Even though you are wavering now, I think if things continue down this track - or whatever tracks - what you should do will become clearer to you. I mean, if your relationship is treating you badly right now, even you though at this point you are hesitant to call it quits, it will eventually take a toll on you and the desire to leave will overwhelm the desire to stay. And conversely, of course, if things get better!

 

I understand what you mean about the next guy getting the deal you should have had, but at the same time, the newly wise (from the lessons you have learned in this relationship) you, will probably find someone who is a much better match and who will respect your needs better.

 

I do hope you two can work things out. It doesn't sound like you need to make a decision. I think that the proper path to take will make itself clearer with time, one way or another.

 

Good luck!

[TheFoglifter]

What I resent is that she even MENTIONED calling it quits whereas I want to work through things and make it work like it used to. What the hell is loyalty worth these days? Apparently loyalty isn't worth the paper its printed on. As my tag line firmly says, I have no goddamn power because I was the moron who fell in love.

 

I have made it pretty clear to her that I am not going to give up, which I suppose means that if she wants to leave, she is going to have to leave. There is no doubt that she is extremely comfortable right now -- she is not in a position to just up and leave, and she has it quite good with me. That is what makes this possibility feel like a betrayal -- after all that we have been through and all that I have done.

 

Its all my fault for being naive and thinking that love conquers all. It doesn't, it never has, and it never will. Money is all that matters because everything else is temporary. If you have money, you can do ANYTHING. You can beat them and they'll come back to you. You can discard them and get a better one. Those with the most money have the most options.

 

I don't know whether I'd call myself new and improved -- like i said, if I have to do this again, I'm probably going to be the type that they don't want. I was STUPID, I wanted commitment early on when others were still in their "fun" stage. Now, at 28, I'll be that "overgrown child" looking for the fun I may have missed out on, when all of them are tick-tocking away and will disappear if they aren't married and pregnant after dating for 3 months. I'll probably go through a phase of being that jerk who goes to college bars and lies about his age to get girls into bed. Why the hell not right, love obviously is low on the priorities list.

[ghost69]

you are impoved man. you just need to let her go. sounds like she wants to, but you want to hold on. usually the person being dumped feels this way. my friend went through this with his ex. she screwed him up a bit with her breakup out of nowhere. she was talking about marriage with him then a week later, cya. he was crushed. took him a while, but he is over it. now he is dating again. he still resents women though and doesn't think he will meet another. no reason to hold on though.

[TheFoglifter]

You know, I fully recognize that I am the one more in love, and the one less willing to walk, and as such I have zero power.

 

If she wants to end it, SHE can end it.

[ghost69]

just take it in a stride fog. you will be hurt. almost everyone is. especially if you are the breakupee. heal up and look forward to meeting a much better woman.

[TheFoglifter]

Not interested. She is the one who needs to come to her damn senses.

[ghost69]

all i can say is give her space. it's cool that you want her in your life so much.

[somanymistakes]

Heh, it would never occur to me to compare a relationship to the Iraq War, except the very most disfunctional ones.

 

I will tell you - I've made more than my wife almost our entire relationship. I say almost, because she found me unemployed, and took me in that way. I've made her life pretty comfortable since. She has felt bad about the inequality. It doesn't matter to me - both of us made our life together possible, and even when I'm in the process of screwing it all up, it would be silly for me to resent her over money.

 

Thinking you should have a hold on her because of what you have done for her is bad. Really bad. Possibly dangerously bad. And absolutely certain to make the situation worse. No one wants to feel obligated to love someone.

 

"Its all my fault for being naive and thinking that love conquers all. It doesn't, it never has, and it never will. Money is all that matters because everything else is temporary. If you have money, you can do ANYTHING. You can beat them and they'll come back to you. You can discard them and get a better one. Those with the most money have the most options"

 

Yes and no. Love is an emotion. It has evolved with us to give us ridiculous strength and loyalty, with the downside it sometimes kills us with depression. It doesn't conquer all. It can help.

 

And a lot of people are really screwed up from early experiences, and to them love is unknowable or dangerously misunderstood.

 

But money doesn't fix it. Divorce among the rich is just as common as with the poor. Every abusive relationship I know of where the girl kept going back was with the poor - rich women have an easier time getting away, and lawyer access. Women and men are discarded all the time for newer, shinier models, or just that the other person was a .

 

But yeah, those with the most money will have the most options. That should not be surprising. Money is flexibility and opportunity.

[TheFoglifter]

Lets be perfectly clear here. I am not comparing my relationship to a war. I am citing a parallel of how the determination to continue with something that many others have lost faith in, because of the importance of success, is identical in both these cases.