My boyfriend of 4 years doesn't want kids

[agent1607307371]

Mod Note: This is an old thread. Please start new threads in order to get the best advice.

[hangingout]

Hello ladies! I hope you are still about. I've read your posts with a lot of interest.

I am in a very similar situation and have decided to breakup with my long-term, live in partner because of his indecisiveness to have children. My philosophy has been if you love me and want to be with me then you'll agree to children one day. I was wondering what did you do in the end? Have you resolved your issues? Did you boyfriend change his mind? What would you advice me after your experience??

[hrtlsngl7]

Just poke holes in the condom. He'll want kids after that. XD KIDDING.

[annablumet]

Hi Haileyn,

I am in the same situation and I feel depressed. My boyfriend and I have been together for 8 years (on and off) and we just had this conversation. I just don't know what to do? What's your story? what did you end up doing?

Thanks,

Anna

[Batya33]

Hello ladies! I hope you are still about. I've read your posts with a lot of interest.

I am in a very similar situation and have decided to breakup with my long-term, live in partner because of his indecisiveness to have children. My philosophy has been if you love me and want to be with me then you'll agree to children one day. I was wondering what did you do in the end? Have you resolved your issues? Did you boyfriend change his mind? What would you advice me after your experience??

 

I wouldn't have wanted my husband to have children just because he loved me and wanted to be with me. I needed him to be 100% into having children and enthusiastic. And in hindsight, I was right. We have a 2 year old who is amazing and also an amazing amount of work. My husband helps out wherever he can and with joy most of the time (meaning, it's not always joyful to have to change yet another dirty diaper of an overtired baby) - seeing them together is wonderful. And I know it's because he loves being a parent, and loves his little boy - sure he loves me and loves our family too and that enhances it but it's not "because" of me. And, let's say that your bf did this for you but then later you ended things -does that mean he then wouldn't be motivated to spend time with his child because the motivating factor is gone? Given how much work it is (not complaining, just stating our reality) it's impracticable to expect someone to remind themselves when the going gets tough, when things feel routine "well I love my wife and she wanted a child so I'm happy too".

[chrissy0011]

i'm so glad i came accross this post. it's so sad to read these stories as i'm in the very same situation. i've been with my bf for 2 years. we have a fantastic relationship other than the baby issue. we broke up once over it but maybe due to fear or love, we quickly got back together. we love each other dearly but the issue always comes up and we are at lost of our future. i don't want to look back on life with any regrets and i'm afraid that the inevitable will happen - breaking up.

 

i wished we knew what happened to the women who posted back in 2003. i hoped things worked out for them and will work out for all of us.

[Fudgie]

If your boyfriends don't want kids, I don't see why you wait around, ladies. Accept their choice and move on. You sitting around and begging them does nothing but waste their time AND yours. Plus it's totally disrespecting their choice. They don't "owe" you a baby just because you're committed to each other.

 

Truth is, if a guy for a long time maintains that he doesn't want kids, he doesn't want them. Give it up and find someone who DOES. Wouldn't you rather be with someone who actually WANTS children? Rather than sticking with your current guy and begging him to give you a child when really, he doesn't want it and resents you forever?

[TehShyGuy85]

This is quite an interesting thread, only read the first 5 pages. Even though i haven't been in a relationship yet it only makes sense to me that you A. Want Kids or B. Don't Want kids. I really don't see how someone can say i don't want kids than all of a sudden change there mind Years later. My answer would simply be: I don't want kids "Right Now" but i want kids sometime down the road....My mind wont change i just see myself having kids in the future....I'm 25.

[hangingout]

we broke up once over it but maybe due to fear or love, we quickly got back together. we love each other dearly but the issue always comes up and we are at lost of our future. i don't want to look back on life with any regrets and i'm afraid that the inevitable will happen - breaking up.

 

Hey Chrissy0011, It sounds to me like you're flogging a dead horse. I've now broken up with my ex. It's been so long in deciding and not wanting to let go today I woke up and for the first time i didn't cry or think about him. For the first time i thought about him and thought - 'If that's what he wants - then good luck to him'. i mean I wasn't scared or lonely or heartbroken.

 

My brother said to me that if you're with a guy and he gets to have you like a girlfriend (like have sex) and do the things he wants then he'll love that and will never want to change as that's a guy's dream. I don't want to be the fool anymore. Listen to your instinct. If you do what he wants - Do you think you'd be happy just the 2 of you for the rest of your life? What's your answer?

[Oneironaut]

My philosophy has been if you love me and want to be with me then you'll agree to children one day.

 

You're kidding, right?? You expect someone else to accommodate you on something as life-altering as having children, just because YOU want them?

 

To try and push someone into something as big as having kids is by far one of -the- most selfish things a person can do...not only to the person you're pushing, but to the child who won't be guaranteed two parents who wanted them!

 

I've KNOWN people who were pushed into having kids, and no, they did NOT "come around" after having the baby. Instead, they were lousy parents, resentful of being GUILT-TRIPPED into a choice they did not want to make.

 

I knew at the age of 8 that I never wanted kids...I grew up listening to the same patronizing, condescending phrase over and over and over: "Oh, you'll change your mind someday"...

 

Guess what? I never did. Now I'm 43, I've had my tubes tied, and I've never regretted it, not even for a moment.

 

For crying out loud, do the right thing and find someone who -does- want kids. You'll be doing the CHILDREN a favor...

[frostyfriendz]

This is definitely a hard topic to discuss. What do people do when they love their partner, but don't agree. We always assume there's a right and wrong decision and we're always afraid to make a decision because we're afraid it's the wrong one...so we don't make much of a decision and let things go as they are, because then we can't blame ourselves if we make the wrong one...

 

This is where I am. I feel a lot of bitterness, resentment, confusion and pain. I'm in a 10 year relationship. At first we both wanted children, then a few years in he told me he didn't want kids. I was sad, but i was probably 26 or so at the time. I figured we have time to figure things out and as long as we're happy together, that decision would wait.

 

At this point, I believe it's been a mistake. I still love him, but at the same time it's made our lives less fulfilling.

 

His brother and his brother's girlfriend ended up having a child, accidentally. Up until this point, I could deal with being around other kids (barely, without feeling some feelings of resentment, hurt and confusion). Now I get upset being around his family. It's difficult to enjoy being around his brother and his brother's family, knowing that this is what my boyfriend is asking me to give up.

 

Things will only get harder and more painful. Please take it from me. You'll end up hating him, being mad at him, at yourself and your situation. You'll get to a place where you're full of regrets and the "What If" question. At some point you'll get to a point where you won't have a choice, because nature will make that choice for you.

 

If you both really do care for each other, then take this saying to heart:

 

"If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you it's yours...if it doesn't, then it never was."

 

I still love him, but every time I'm around his family (a family he loves) I get mad and bitter. When they're gone I can forget, but when they're back again, it's the same feelings of hurt, betrayal, anger at myself and much more. It's not healthy or fair.

 

I hope others don't get themselves in the same situation. It's very painful and unhealthy for both involved.

 

I know what I need to do, I've known for awhile. But I'm always afraid of the next steps. The comment about those who take risks have the greatest reward, is probably accurate. I just have to be willing to make that risky jump.

 

Even then, at that point age and time need to be considered.

 

However, on another note. My sister and his husband had this argument. After 10 years, he actually did change his mind and she's 3 months pregnant! So, it can happen. However, don't count on this. Luckily for my sister, she's with someone who decided that it was something he wanted and they're both lucky enough that she can still have children. So there are happy ending sometimes, but it's a risky choice if you decide to stay.

[Princess123]

You do see this is very old of a thread right? lol But on a side note I thought everyone discussed if they wanted kids before getting into a relationship. Makes no sense to get involved with someone if you don't discuss the kids issue first.

[frostyfriendz]

Hi Princess,

 

Thanks for mentioning the old post. I did notice it was an post, but thought adding comments will help any others who come accross it later. If they're in a similar situation or at a point where they can avoid this same situation, I'm hoping this will help them as reading some of the old and newer posts have helped. Especially knowing that the same feelings I'm going through are the same for those who have been with someone they love and then have decisions change.

 

We did discuss before starting our relationship. In fact, that's one of the things that brought us together. Our friend asked us both if we could imagine having kids with the other person. We wrote letters to each other and made mention of our future kids. He actually posted on a website that our kids will see all the things we've done together and that he was happy it was there for them to see.

 

It wasn't until we were a few years into our relationship that he told me that he decided he didn't want kids. We were actually living together at that point.

 

When you love someone, it's not easy to pick up and leave. Especially if most everything else about the relationship is rewarding. It wasn't until recently that this became a big issue (time and the situation of others around us). Being around others who don't have kids is easy...when everyone else around you is enjoying parenthood (even the tough times they go through), you start to realize what you're missing out on.

 

I'm not sure this isn't always the case, but this is what I've come to experience.

 

So for us, discussing at the beginning of the relationship didn't save us since he ended up changing his mind years later. It sounds like that happened to a few of the posters here as well. Or in some cases, they changed their minds years later and realized they did want kids after discussing and agreeing with their partner that they didn't want kids.

 

I hope most couples end up making a decision and keep with it. For the others' I hope things work out.

 

With some recent news, we have brought this discussion up and both of us know it's fair for each of us to separate. It's not fair to either person to force them into something they don't feel they want. If I want kids and I'll resent him...it's not fair to him or others who have to deal with our arguments. If he doesn't want kids, it's not fair of him to ask me to give up my desire to have kids. We both are having a hard time separating, but unless either of us feel a change of heart, it's hurting both of us.

 

Thanks again, Princess.

[Wantsafamily28]

I see this post is old but i read every post and I'm glad I did, I thought I was alone in my situation. I have been with my BF for 10 years, we have lived together for 9 of them. At the start we discussed children casually as we were in our teens and didn't want any at that age, however we did for a couple of years joke about baby names. For the past 2 years i have had discussions about were our relationship is going and i am met with outright hostility on the subject, he gets mad and says he doesn't want to get married or have kids EVER. I was shocked at first and left it at that but then i started thinking about what i want from life and although marriage is not very important to me, children are. So every 6 months or so i brought up the baby topic and i get the same answer, no kids ever. I am confused, i really want a family and my clock is ticking loudly at 29, i love him but i am not under the illusion that love conquers all. The last time i brought the subject up was 2 months ago, this time he said no kids and if he ever had them he would not want me to be their mother. I have been very hurt by this and my feelings are changing toward him, i have already started to resent him and that comment has done irreparable damage to our relationship, i don't even want to be physical with him anymore. My problem now is where to go from here, my life is all about him and our 2 cats, i don't know anything else, the prospect of being single terrifies me and yet i know its the only thing i can do. He says if i want kids i should leave him because he won't change his mind and he doesn't want to be the one responsible for the break up and that he can always blame me. He says he loves me against his better judgement and it makes me feel like utter crap. I am depressed and have been for years. Could I be happy on my own for a while, I don't know. Any advice would be appreciated. x

[Ms Darcy]

Wantsafamily - You need to break up with this guy asap. I don't think you are "the one" to him and if he met her, he'd marry her and have kids.

[Wantsafamily28]

I tried talking to him again last night and he went ballistic, he says "a man wants to have babies with the right person and i am not it". Then he went on to say he wants to grow old with me, I'm so upset right now. I just don't know what to do, i can't get his words out of my head. I haven't got the courage to walk out the door, its my home but he refuses to leave it.I can't stop crying at the things he says to me, he tells me that no other man will want me if i leave him and why would anyone want to get me pregnant, they would be a fool according to him. What do I do??

[Ms Darcy]

I said last week you should break up with him. I know it's not easy but it's the only way.

 

Maybe you should start your own thread.

[Wantsafamily28]

I will start my own thread, thankyou.

[My1stlove]

This thread started back in 2003 and I'm curious to see if anything changed. I'm in a similar situation but with sum differences. I'm in love, real love for the 1st time in my life but I'm 40 years old. My boyfriend is 45 with a grown child. He does not want more children for obvious reasons and I can't blame him but what about me? I love kids, always thought I'd have them. I guess I thought there wud be time. My clock isn't ticking anymore; it's ringing, screaming time is up, time is up!!! I keep thinking he will slip up and accidentally get me pregnant but with slow sperm and old eggs I'm afraid it's too late. I love him, don't want to be without him but how do I live the rest of my life celebrating his Father's Days and ignoring Mothers Day? How do I not blame him for being so selfish? How do I pretend it doesn't hurt every time I see a pregnant woman? How???

[Fudgie]

^

 

First of all, I'm sorry but he is not the one being selfish here...you are if you keep hoping that he will "slip up" and knock you up so you'll have a child...THAT HE DOESN'T WANT.

 

You are just thinking about you, but you aren't considering his feelings. He has already had his child, and he doesn't want anymore. It's horrible and wrong to try for a child with a guy or try to trick him into getting you pregnant when he says he doesn't want one. The kid deserves to have a father and mother who BOTH want the kid, not a mom who wants one and a dad who doesn't. Talk about resentment.

 

I hope for his sake, he takes proper protection from you and uses his own condoms every. single. time. You either need to accept that he doesn't want kids or go find someone who does.

[Ms Darcy]

I do not see him as selfish at all. He already has a kid and he's middle-aged. It would be selfish of him to have a kid to keep you when he is not able to give the child the love and attention s/he needs.

[My1stlove]

Both of you are so right. I guess I was hoping someone out there would see/understand how I feel. I am being selfish. I want my cake and eat it too. I had the chance in my 20's and 30's to have children and choose not too. It's my own fault that I've run out of time. I guess I'll just have to learn that we can't have everything. I love him. That will have to be enough. God, I hope it's enough.

[LifeSconfusing]

Ahh, couple of years later, here I am as well.

Me - 30 , him- 29. Together - 3 years, moved in 6 months ago. Discussion about children (which he doesn't want and I do) caused him to believe we have different priorities in life which are incompatible.

I love him and have a great time with him, we enjoy spending time together. He is my best friend too.

I feel like I shouldn't be just enjoying the day though when I ultimately (within 5 years) want a family and he doesn't.

Also I don't think it's I can hope he will change his mind.

We started talking about him moving out. I've been crying the whole day but feel like it's the right thing to do.

Is there a right in this situation though? I know there is no black and white answer.

I think I prefer no kids to being alone (again - not 100% sure).

[Ms Darcy]

You should start your own thread Life.

[LifeSconfusing]

Thanks, I have just started it.