almost27 Posted January 3, 2003 Share Posted January 3, 2003 I just found out he doesn't want kids. I'm really depressed. We've been together for 4 years and living together for 4 months. We're finally getting settled in a new place, and everything was great until this came up. I don't know what to do. I know he's the only one I want and he loves me just as much. All he can say is "I'm sorry". I've always planned on having kids and know that I want them in the future. But I don't want to leave. I think "What if he changes his mind?" He thinks it's not likely, but guesses there's always a chance. He's just never had a desire to have kids, even though he really enjoys other people's kids. Please reply if you have been in this situation or if you are a man that feels this way, whether you changed your mind or not. Link to comment
anon_0275 Posted January 3, 2003 Share Posted January 3, 2003 Have you two talked about this in the past? Have he recently changed his mind? Or have you never talked with him about this before? Link to comment
almost27 Posted January 3, 2003 Author Share Posted January 3, 2003 We talked about it once, right before I moved in with him. He said he didn't know how he felt about having kids. He's 26, I'm 27, I know we're not super young, but I had to accept that answer, because I love him, and because we do have a lot of time together before I'm too old to have kids, who knows what would happen in that time. When he said this time that he still doesn't know, I said he sounded like he was leaning more towards no than yes. He said it was true. He really doesn't see himself ever wanting kids. I don't feel lied to or anything. It's just an abscense of desire for him, it's not like he hates kids, he actually loves kids, which just confuses me more. Link to comment
Teeps Posted January 3, 2003 Share Posted January 3, 2003 I am in almost exactly the same situation. It is different in the sense that we have talked about it a lot. It has been a very serious issue in our relationship, because at this point in his life he is getting settled into a VERY busy career, and has no intention of slowing that down for a family. He says he may get married one day (however he doubts that too). But he says he is pretty sure he doesn't want kids. I keep thinking that once his career slides into place, that he'll feel that need for deeper meaning in life. I am banking on that, actually. That is why I stay. He enjoys other people's kids, but he sees having them as giving up his life and he doesn't want to do that! I don't really have any advice for you, but I thought my story might give you a sense that you are not alone. I am sticking it out for awhile, but I am afraid of that day when he confirms to me what I've been so scared of: that he DEFINITELY will not have a family. In the interim, I try to make every day the best in my wonderful relationship with him. One final note: a friend of mine was dating a guy for a long time (something like 4 years), and the whole time they were dating he told her he NEVER wanted kids. They got married two years ago, have a 2 year old son and I believe they are planning to have more. It just goes to show you that people do change their minds. Stranger things can happen... T. Link to comment
almost27 Posted January 5, 2003 Author Share Posted January 5, 2003 I can't tell you how comforting it is to hear from someone in the same position. Can I ask you, if you don't mind, how old you guys are and how long you've been together? I feel like I'm leaning towards doing the same thing, riding it out because I can't imagine finding another match for me like him and hope he'll change his mind, but I can't help thinking it's the wrong thing to do, on some level. I guess it makes me feel weak, which I think I am naturally anyways. It's not even like he thinks kids take too much time, it's just a total lack of desire. I remind him how much he loves playing with my nephews and nieces, and he just says that playing with other people's kids and having your own are totally different things. I feel like I'm going crazy because the more I think about why I DO want to have kids, the less I understand his thoughts, and the more I talk myself into assuming that of course he will change his mind later in life. It's not his nature to be wishy washy though. He's the same as your boyfriend about marriage I think, he doesn't have any real interest, but he's interested in staying with me. For me I think I'd enjoy it, but it's really a formality to go through in order to have kids with someone and let them into your family. The weird thing is, when I ask him about his future, it's not just that he doesn't think about having kids, he doesn't really think about the future AT ALL. That's what he says anyways, it's hard for me to accept, because it just seems so natural to think about that stuff. I'm sorry I'm babbling, I just have been trying to talk to friends and family about this, and they all have their personal biases because they're a part of my life, and I'm just so incredibly confused. Please feel free to write back anything, and thanks again so much. Link to comment
Teeps Posted January 5, 2003 Share Posted January 5, 2003 Wow. Sounds like we ARE in the same boat! Well, I'm 28 and my boyfriend is 30. I have recently found out that the reason he is hesitant to commit to me is that we want different things out of life (i.e. I want kids and he is 90% sure he doesn't). It all started to make sense after we talked the other night about where he sees himself in 5 years. He said he sees himself living in some cool loft, having dinner parties with friends (what 35 year olds are single without kids?? Not many...) and living a "fun" life that he's always wanted. I, on the other hand see myself with my man and a little family, happy to be a family. He says he doesn't have to worry about kids for a long time because, unlike women, men don't have a biological clock ticking. I feel mine ticking so loudly it's unbelievable. The glimmer of hope is that right now my boyfriend's career is really heavily weighing on his life, social and otherwise, so the prospect of looking to the future is difficult for him at best. He thinks he would never have time for kids, nor would he really have much time for anything other than work. I remind him that if he keeps going full-throttle with work for even a couple of more years, he'll be completely burnt out. He agrees, and says he needs to make changes. Perhaps then, he will decide what life is really meant for... (kids). So, does your man say he is 100% sure he doesn't want kids? How old is he (sorry if you already told me - i forget)? Perhaps he needs to mature a bit. If he is truly your soul mate you will know, but if it's wrong you will have a gut feeling about it. I should take my own advice, I guess, but the only feeling I get is that if I lose him I could risk losing the most perfect relationship I've ever had. I am not helping you much here, I realize. But if you want to chat more, I'm here! T. Link to comment
almost27 Posted January 5, 2003 Author Share Posted January 5, 2003 My sister says the same thing about the gut feeling, that I should really know the answer already. It scares me because my gut feeling is that I have to have kids, no matter what, but it's just not that easy, because I really do think he's my soulmate. I mean I'm not really one to believe completely in fate, but I do think that it would be impossible to fall in love with someone else and feel the same strong connection. Do I just feel that way because I've been with him for so long and I can't imagine not being with him? I don't know. So, we haven't talked percentages, because they don't really seem to apply, it's just that he knows now that he has no desire to have kids in his life, and he doesn't see anything changing the way he feels later on. I on the other hand think about how we've matured together in the past four years, and I can't help hoping that he'll just mature into wanting kids, like everyone else. Like you're saying, when we're 35 everyone around us will have kids!! What will we be doing? Going to bars with 25 year olds? Is it just going to be the two of us working and renting movies and eating out for the next 60 years? What's the point? What's the point of saving money? Right now he's in grad school to get his master's, and he's doing it so he can have a better job in the future, but I don't really see him being someone that would be consumed by his career. So what will be there to make him happy and feel like life is worth something? It's not like he wants to be filthy rich or climb a social ladder or anything, he's a pretty humble guy. I just don't get it. I guess the real question, as you well know, is how long do I wait for him to maybe change his mind? When is it too late? Link to comment
Teeps Posted January 6, 2003 Share Posted January 6, 2003 Has your boyfriend ever considered the thought that if he doesn't have kids, there won't be anyone to take care of him (and you) when you're old? A lot of people don't think of that when they make the decision not to have kids, then later on in life, after their parents have passed away, they find themselves very lonely. What would happen if one of you got sick, perhaps even died? One of you would be alone. If you had a child or children, they could take care of you. This is a significant thing to consider when making such a serious decision. I myself want kids for many more reasons, like the joys they bring, the wonderful feelings I know many of my friends have already had just watching the little guys grow up. It is something I wouldn't want to miss. I just found out recently that my sister (a year younger than me) doesn't want kids. Her man is so wishy washy though. They are engaged, and I asked her if he was okay with the idea that they would never have kids. She said that he is fine either way! Personally, I don't believe that. Sooner or later, he is gonna want kids. Or what if she changes her mind? Is he just going to go, "Okay, I'll have kids if you want them." LAME. Anyway, just wanted to throw that in. T. Link to comment
almost27 Posted January 6, 2003 Author Share Posted January 6, 2003 Lame? yes. Am I jealous? yes. I've always appreciated my boyfriend for sticking to his guns and never doing anything just to appease me, and now I find myself fantasizing about him breaking down and saying "OK, if you really want to, we'll have kids later." Unfortunately this whole ordeal is upsetting me WAY more than it's upsetting him. Which is why I need to talk to him about it all again, I really hope he understands the problems we're facing if his final answer is "never". I don't see how he can't understand, I think he's just trying to act like life is normal because I've been so emotional lately, he's always trying to stabilize me like that when I'm having a problem, but this is just a different kind of problem. Anyways, I talked with a friend about it all yesterday and she says she has a hard time believing anybody that says they don't want kids, being a scientist that knows we all have biological instincts to reproduce. But she also says that IF she were dating someone for so long and IF the same problem arose, she would hope that she would have the guts to leave the guy, because ultimately family love is more important to her in the long run than romantic love. The only problem I see with that is, you still need romantic love to start a family! Which brings me back to, should I really give up my best relationship ever? I'm going to talk to him again, tonight hopefully. Link to comment
stac76 Posted February 17, 2003 Share Posted February 17, 2003 I was seeing my boyfriend for about a yr and a half. I had heard in the beginiing that he had a kid already and didn't want anymore. but i kinda ignored it,, somewhere in the beginning i told him that i loved kids and i wanted them.. Anyways i was seeinghow he was with his daughter and there is no way this guy wants anymore kids and if he does he will be a neglective father.. I think u need to be honest with yourself, even though this was not the only problem in my relationship it has to be a very important one, u love kids and want some of your own, i think u need to make a decision based on that, that right there is your future,, I just found out he doesn't want kids. I'm really depressed. We've been together for 4 years and living together for 4 months. We're finally getting settled in a new place, and everything was great until this came up. I don't know what to do. I know he's the only one I want and he loves me just as much. All he can say is "I'm sorry". I've always planned on having kids and know that I want them in the future. But I don't want to leave. I think "What if he changes his mind?" He thinks it's not likely, but guesses there's always a chance. He's just never had a desire to have kids, even though he really enjoys other people's kids. Please reply if you have been in this situation or if you are a man that feels this way, whether you changed your mind or not. Link to comment
Miss Hayley Posted April 16, 2007 Share Posted April 16, 2007 I've just read all your comments and have found myself in exactly the same situation! Could anyone of you update me and let me know if any of you have gotten any further with the whole kids thing or if you ended up splitting with the guy? My guy says that he's never wanted to get married or have children as he see's it as a big waste of money!! Although, he is now saying that he does want to marry me and knows he wants to spend the rest of his life with me... But... The children thing is still very sensitive. He says the way he see's it right now he doesn't think he'll ever want children but he may feel differently in 2years or so, but at the mo he can't see chaning his mind.... What do I do? Please any input would be great... Link to comment
millaj Posted April 16, 2007 Share Posted April 16, 2007 Just reading your posts.. has anyone here had a boyfriend or girlfriend at that who said in the beginning that they don't want to have kids or don't think they want to have kids? - And the marriage thing.. shouldn't those things be talked about before the relationship becomes a "committed" one? I mean what's the point of having a relationship if they don't want to get married one day. If it's not equal on both parts, then why even stick it out. I know it's hard to stop loving someone when you've already fell, but if having children and marriage is something that you really want and are not willing to settle on, then get out while you can! - Just my two cents. Link to comment
Sweet Buttabean Jellayroll Posted April 16, 2007 Share Posted April 16, 2007 alot of me dont want kids, i know for certain i dont, i cannot stand kids....they talk to much, and mess up your house and poop everywhere, are self centered and think of only their own needs.....and no im not a teenager im into my 20's....i dont want a kid....never have, but in reference to your situation, its just shock.....if you rly love him you'll get over it, and more than likely if he loves you one day he will want kids.....probaly cz he'll want to raise a famiily also..... Link to comment
jossie Posted July 11, 2008 Share Posted July 11, 2008 I am in the exact same situation... I'm 30, he's 39... And we live together. And he says he doesn't want to have kids because they cost a lot of money and they may do drugs and die!!! To be fair early in the relationship we had the " children " conversation and he told me that he will probably never want to have kids but at that point I was 27 and i didn't care. Now I do.... and we had a very serious conversation about it and he said that he might come around in a few years but " the odds are not good "... So I told him that he needs to make a decision and commit to it because if he's dead set on not having kids I am going to leave him and i'd rather know now than later. I don't know if leaving him is the right thing to do..... but if kids are out of the question I know it's the only thing I can do and live with myself.......... Link to comment
nat4 Posted October 9, 2008 Share Posted October 9, 2008 You are right to leave him. I am in the same situation. I am 36 and he is 43 and he is moving out by the end of the month. It's very painful. He told me at the beginning he wanted kids, we even talked about names and then he changed his mind a few months later. We have been together for 2 years. I was deeply in love with him. I gave him an ultimatum and he is going to move on with his life without me and vice versa. It is the hardest thing you will ever do, but you are mismatched. If only I realized we were mismatched at the start, I could have let him go sooner and I could have been engaged to someone who wanted the same things in life. Link to comment
Chillihead Posted October 9, 2008 Share Posted October 9, 2008 Waaaaay back when I was a teenager I sure as hell didn't want kids. I met a woman who had a kid and as much as I didn't like having a kid I put up with it to be with her (which in itself was crazy). A couple of years into out relationship she got pregnant and we ended up with a son of our own. All of a sudden I was transformed - I loved kids, I loved my son more than anything and sure there's plenty of hard work that goes with kids, you remember the good stuff. I couldn't imagine NOT having kids now... So, what I am saying is that even if your man says he will never ever have kids, don't take no for an answer Link to comment
LBP Posted October 9, 2008 Share Posted October 9, 2008 If a woman told me that she absolutely didn't want to have kids, I would have no problem leaving her for it. It's a deal breaker - I don't care how much love there is. Link to comment
emalkoc Posted October 9, 2008 Share Posted October 9, 2008 ok you are in 20s. It is normal for a man not to have kids for two reasons this age! 1. He is not sure of his relationship with you...believe me I had the same feelings when I was 28 engaged. 2. He is too young still realize the kids. I started wanting kids in my mid 30s when work and life got better and got the urge of having kids. I say you test him about his feelings for you first...dont know how but you will get a lot of opinions here. For 2nd one, there is no real solution because he has to wait and you dont because your clock is ticking! good luck and I was in your BF boat... Link to comment
Blue Spiral Posted October 9, 2008 Share Posted October 9, 2008 I don't want marriage or kids, and I go out of my way to let women know this, so we don't end up in the OP's situation. It's important to be honest and upfront about this, and not string people along or be purposely-vague... Link to comment
ThisGirl Posted October 9, 2008 Share Posted October 9, 2008 I actually think you are both too young to be 100% sure he won't change his mind. I never wanted kids, ever, and it was always an issue with boyfriends because they thought there was something wrong with me, but as I approach 30 I understand it was for a lot of the reasons people have cited here: believing it would take my life away, not being stable in my career, and also, for me, feeling like a kid at heart myself, and believing that would never change. But now, my self-image has slowly evolved and although I still can't stomach the actually pregnancy/birth part, eventually adopting a child once I have completed some more of my life goals of world travel and career advancements, seems doable. Who knows? Maybe once my biological clock starts ticking I'll even want to give birth! The point is, that in your 20's you are constantly growing and changing, and in today's world where people are getting married later and later, and more and more people are extending their schooling into college, grad school, and beyond, you really can't be 100% sure about what you want out of life just yet. You’ve only just started it! True, he may never change his mind, and if you are bent on getting married and starting that family asap, then of course he is not the guy for you. But honestly I think very few people go their entire lives never wanting children at all, especially once they grow up more and can honestly analyze the myths they have put in place as obstacles against having them. If you can wait it out a little longer, or at least talk about the specific reasons so that you can better understand why a man who loves other people's kids wouldn't want his own, then you might see a change, or at least a potential for change. Just my 2.5 cents ;-) Link to comment
smilz Posted October 22, 2008 Share Posted October 22, 2008 Me and my boyfriend have been together for a year and living together for 4 months and when we first met we talked about marriage and kids and both were in his future. seeing as though he has 2 kids (twins) already i felt i was more than right to find this out before we get serious and we both agreed that at least 1 kid was in our future but not anytime soon! well a month ago things changed and he told me he didnt want to have kids at all and he doesnt think he wants to get married and this hurt very much because we talked about this extensively. I love him more than i can explain but if it ever came down to having kids or spending the rest of my life with him i would leave! I dint decide on procreating until a couple years ago i just didnt want a kid out of wed lock(old school) plainly i didnt want to be someones baby mama! it seems as though his desire for another child flows with the up's and downs of his relationship with his kids ! im to young to stress about it, i have about a century before i need to go into panic mode but im fully preparing myself now for the day to come where we have to part ways! Link to comment
LadyVamp6669 Posted October 23, 2008 Share Posted October 23, 2008 hey, i understand how confusing it is for you. i have been with my boyfriend for 4 years, living together 3. he is my soul mate. we kinda talked about having kids when we first got together but it was never a serious discussion. about 6months ago he came home and told me he definitely doesn't 100% want kids, i was devastated. i went away, sat by a river and cried and thought alot. i realised that as long as i had him that it didnt really matter coz i love him so much. it wasnt an easy decision, my whole life ive known that i wanted kids. id rather have a happy and fulfilling relationhip than the what ifs. i no that probably sounds stupid but thats just me. Best of luck Link to comment
smilz Posted October 24, 2008 Share Posted October 24, 2008 hey, i understand how confusing it is for you. i have been with my boyfriend for 4 years, living together 3. he is my soul mate. we kinda talked about having kids when we first got together but it was never a serious discussion. about 6months ago he came home and told me he definitely doesn't 100% want kids, i was devastated. i went away, sat by a river and cried and thought alot. i realised that as long as i had him that it didnt really matter coz i love him so much. it wasnt an easy decision, my whole life ive known that i wanted kids. id rather have a happy and fulfilling relationhip than the what ifs. i no that probably sounds stupid but thats just me. Best of luck Yeah im just doing some thinking and evaluating if this is what i really want. seeing as though i am the only girl out of my sibling and my mother having lupus it was important for me to have at least one child so she could experience the whole grandmother thing! I love my boyfriend and before this change i had no problem with spending the rest of my life with him but now I find myself thinking, "do i trade my happiness for his" and im stuck between the thoughts! i undertand not wanting the what if's but it goes both ways if i leave him ill always wonder what if and if i stay and dont have kids then ill be thinking what if! my thoughts are taking me to places i dont want to go like purposly getting pregnant! i know its wrong but im fully prepared to do it if i have to! Link to comment
My3sStillRacing Posted October 24, 2008 Share Posted October 24, 2008 I don't think I could give you any more advice then what's already been said. But don't things like that make you just want to hand out surveys on first dates with all the long-term life-plan questions like "Do you want a big or small wedding?" "How many children would you like to have?" "Are you for or against adoption?" etc. Lol Link to comment
josiemark Posted October 31, 2008 Share Posted October 31, 2008 I'm sorry to read that so many of us are in the same boat. I am interested to find out whether the women who posted some years ago actually left their partners or went on to have children with them. Sadly, this is a very common situation for women (and men) to find themselves in. I am 33 now and am torn between staying with my partner who tells me that he doesn't want children 'at this point'. I have to keep reminding him that although he has the luxury of having children well into his seventies, I don't. Women's fertility decrease rapidly from the age of 35 and there are other medical problems that can cause abnormalities in babies, so it's only fair to have them when your body is in peak condition. Two of my friends were in similar situations years ago where their boyfriends didn't want children. In both cases, they split up but the boyfriends met other women, got married and had children within a few years. From this experience, I often wonder if my boyfriend doesn't want to get married or have children to/with me. Problem is, although you both may start off not wanting children (or wanting them) at the beginning of your relationship, a few years down the road you may change your mind. I told my boyfriend at the beginning of our 5 year relationship that I didn't care about having children. Now, however, I have a stable career, a house and have started to think more about starting a family. Josie Link to comment
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