My boyfriend of 4 years doesn't want kids

[Betty79]

Two of my friends were in similar situations years ago where their boyfriends didn't want children. In both cases, they split up but the boyfriends met other women, got married and had children within a few years. From this experience, I often wonder if my boyfriend doesn't want to get married or have children to/with me.

Josie

 

From my experience I agree with this - I met a guy once, I was head over heels about him, we lived together, it was all good but he was adamant he never wanted kids or to get married and nothing would change his mind. For one reason or another we ended up splitting up (not because he didn't want kids etc) Looked him up on facebook the other day and he is married now and just had a kid. Sucks hey.

[Unknown1607307972]

I talked with a friend about it all yesterday and she says she has a hard time believing anybody that says they don't want kids, being a scientist that knows we all have biological instincts to reproduce. But she also says that IF she were dating someone for so long and IF the same problem arose, she would hope that she would have the guts to leave the guy, because ultimately family love is more important to her in the long run than romantic love. The only problem I see with that is, you still need romantic love to start a family! Which brings me back to, should I really give up my best relationship ever? I'm going to talk to him again, tonight hopefully.

 

I disagree with the first part of your friend's argument, because I genuinely find the idea of having kids nightmare-inducing (literally, I am tokophobic, and I have had nightmares about pregnancy since I was very young). I have a lot of experience with kids, and I basically react very very badly to being left with them for too long. They make me feel trapped, even if I love the ones related to me, they still make me feel trapped, anxious, panicky, stressed, I lose my temper far too quickly and when I get these feelings I am not healthy for myself. I know I am young but a lot of people I went to school with already have kids or are pregnant, so it makes me think a lot. I get very offended when people don't take my view seriously though just because I am 21 not 40. I have some mental issues, and i think I couldn't handle motherhood on top of those ever.

 

However she sadly has a point about relationships where you ultimately want different things. I am on the other side here, I don't want kids and I am scared of ending up alone because of this. I am scared one day my boyfriend will turn around and say he just can't go through life without having kids. Most men I meet seem to want kids one day in the future while to me it feels like a prison sentance, like I am sacrificing myself and everything in life that makes me happy, and my freedom, in order to start a family. My dream for the future is to have a great beautiful home (free from children's toys and kiddy mess), a great guy, to have the money to travel and see the world which I am dying to do. To have the freedom to eat out for dinner, go out somewhere without needing a babysitter, to sleep uninterrupted, to be able to do all the things I can't do now due to being a broke student And I don't care about "having nobody to take care of me" when I am old, because I could have kids who didn't take care of me, I could have kids who move abroad, kids isn't a safety guarentee.

 

It's just sad when these situations happen and whatever side you are on you must make the right choice. I won't ever have kids just to please a man or make him stay. You shouldn't give up the kids you desperately desire either as it'll haunt you for a lifetime. It's painfull and hard but I have made my boyfriend promise me that he isn't with me simply because he expects me to change my mind one day because it probably won't happen and it'll waste both of our time and emotions. You can't sit and wait for him to change his mind guys, as it'll hurt you both in the end, think about which would hurt you more to lose....the man, or the family of your dreams?

 

It's believable, because I'm similar. It's true that both 'lifestyles' are very different from each other and most people are very committed to wanting one or the other. But I'd fit well with either - both are appealing in their own ways.

 

I can be happy in a childless relationship and with all the 'independence', traveling, etc, it brings.

 

I can be happy in a small family (1-2 kids) and with all the family joys, father-child moments, etc, it brings.

 

Where I draw the line is that I don't want a large family (3 or 4 or more kids, brady bunch style). Have always felt that way, but especially now being in my late 30s.

 

The kids' topic, even if a bit awkward, needs to happen within 2 months or so into a relationship. It's a major, major issue and can't be swept under the carpet until a year goes by and a lot of emotional investment has occurred.

 

God that's reassuring, as my boyfriend says he'll be alright either was and I've been so scared that he's just expecting me to change despite promising me that he isn't.

[jammed]

From my experience I agree with this - I met a guy once, I was head over heels about him, we lived together, it was all good but he was adamant he never wanted kids or to get married and nothing would change his mind. For one reason or another we ended up splitting up (not because he didn't want kids etc) Looked him up on facebook the other day and he is married now and just had a kid. Sucks hey.

 

Well, you assume he is happily married and wanted a child.

 

There are women out there that will trap a man by becoming pregnant. Just saying...you never know! He may be miserable....or he may have changed his mind. For the child's sake, I hope he is a good daddy.

[BriarRose]

I don't want kids at my age, but if I did, I would want to know fairly early in the relationship where the guy stood on the subject.

 

Anyways, if a guy says he doesn't want kids, I would be inclined to assume he won't change his mind.

[newwave]

From my experience I agree with this - I met a guy once, I was head over heels about him, we lived together, it was all good but he was adamant he never wanted kids or to get married and nothing would change his mind. For one reason or another we ended up splitting up (not because he didn't want kids etc) Looked him up on facebook the other day and he is married now and just had a kid. Sucks hey.

 

Sometimes guys don't want kids with certain women but with others. Others don't at the time they meet someone but change their mind. It's not always dependent on the woman, sometimes it is dependent on their situation. I've known a few instances where a guy was against having kids or even marrying a long time girlfriend, then the next one becomes his wife and the mother of his children. That's why I say never say never.

[shazza1607308267]

Well this thread is really old, but the most recent post was just last month, so maybe some of the original posters are still around? i'd be curious to know what happened with some of the women on here - did boyfriends 'come around', etc?

i'm in the same boat and feeling paralyzed with heartache & confusion. my biological clock just really started ticking way too loudly a few yrs ago, at the age of 38. i'm 41 now, so am seriously running out of time my boyfriend is 45 and although he'd said last year that he wanted a kid, he changed his mind (grrrrrr) about 6months ago and is now VERY firm in his kidless stance. i don't even dare bring it up because he'll just walk out of the room in an angry huff.

i'm heartsick because i really love this guy, but i've got babies on the brain 24/7 and its killing me. and i'm not sure what kills me more - not being able to share the excitement of having a child together with a man i so adore, or just the fact that this guy is now so insanely resistant to the idea, after once being open to it.

somehow i think that he thinks I'M too old...but would never tell me that since he'd fear it would hurt my feelings, which it would because it's crap.

so to all the 22 yr olds out there who feel like they're running out of time & may never find another guy with whom to have kids, you have LOADS of time to settle find the 'right' guy .... really you do. but don't put off finding him, because if you wait too long, one day you'll wake up and you'll be me, lol.

[shazza1607308267]

Oops, that's what I'd wanted to put in my post ..... that at this point, i really do wish very badly that i DIDN'T want kids. i hope now that i'll wake up one morning just suddenly not wanting it anymore, that, *poof*, the clock will thankfully stop ticking and the desire will be gone. that my days won't be spent dreaming about pregnancy, that my nights not spent looking over at my boyfriend and fantasizing about him as a Dad, that it would just end.

argh.

[newwave]

I am 39 and get what you're saying. You are getting towards the end of having babies (I am too) so you need to make a decision now. Not to give you hope, but the fact that he did at one time want kids is more positive than these guys who say they never want kids. In my case the guy I want hasn't come around to change his mind (In fact I haven't seen him so who knows if/when he'll even talk to me). However, in the past he did want kids and his reasons now are mostly financial. I have a feeling that some guys get scared when we get "desperate", though in reality we know our days are getting shorter while they don't have that pressure. In your case I'd ask him what changed his mind. Is it finances? age? It could also be he doesn't want kids with YOU. I'd ask him. If he's dead set on not having kids I'd look for another guy. I know in my case I am already starting to look for someone else because this guy may never come around and I don't want to wait forever for him never to change his mind.

[Fudgie]

If a guy says he doesn't want kids, then he doesn't want them. Don't push him and definitely don't bank on the fact "Oh maybe he'll change his mind as he gets older." Chances are good that he won't.

 

It really bothers me when I see women and men in long term relationships and the women (or men) always assume the other wants kids and never asks, and then BOOM, big surprise, you don't agree. Then there's the splitting up. All could be avoided by talking about it early.

 

Ask yourself what's important: him or having a family. That will tell you what to do.

[tf987]

1. The world is experiencing an environmental crisis due to severe human over population. Why exactly do YOU need kids to feel complete? Have you ever taken a long hard look at why you need kids or want them so badly? Would you ever consider adopting rather and adding to the crisis that our globe is already under?

 

2. I've been that guy that didn't want kids, or didn't want them *yet* on the timeline of my first wife. When it came down to it - the honest answer was that I didn't think she would be a very good mother and if I ever had kids, I didn't trust her to be a good mom to them. Yep of course this represents a deeper issue we had in our relationship and we got divorced. She got remarried within a year and is now a stay at home mom and has everything she ever wanted in this order: 1. kids 2. some guy to support her and them

 

3. Lots of guys, me included, don't want kids when they are in their 20s and even into their early 30s. Lots of these guys change their minds with age. I knew a couple and *both* of them said they never wanted kids - they were well educated and referred to people with kids as breeders and called the kids f**k trophies.... after being married for a couple of years her career started to stagnate while his was taking off - she started wanting kids and he still didn't. She gave him a marriage ending ultimatum and he gave in. Now they have two kids and he's happy about it (so he says) but not all people are.

 

4. Growing up with divorced parents isn't fun for kids - make sure your relationship is really cut for kids before taking that plunge.

[lady00]

Moderator Note: This is an old thread. If anyone would like to start a new thread on this topic discussing your particular situation, you will probably get more replies because your thread will appear on the main page when it is posted.

[jaime806]

hi, I know you posted this a while ago, but i was wondering what ever happened? I going thru the same thing right now. Its so hard for the man of your dreams crush your dreams. please let me know if your boy friends changed their minds??

[mcarra22]

So glad I could read about both of your situations. I was smiling to myself because as i read, I almost felt as if I was actually reading my own feelings. Im 26 my BF is also 26. I have been with my bf 9 years and we just recently moved in together 4 months ago, it took him 9 years to decide to live with me. We've talked about marriage in past. Took me to see rings around Christmas and then decided to tell me he thought he was ready to be engaged but was not... That really had me thinking and still does. I ask him from time to time and he says he's just not quit ready... The subject of kids came up.. in the past he would say "I don't think I want kids,but maybe its because Im young" this was 5 years ago so, I understood... now 4 years later he says he doesn't want kids at all.. he doesn't want to have to worry about another human being and wants to feel free to do what he wants without having to find a sitter... I told him that i seriously want kids and that I didn't want to lose him, but we would have to break up at some point.. but I dont think he's taking me seriously... its 9 years and I've also told myself to give it time and he'd change his mind , but we are hitting 10 years soon and I dont know what to do ..I love him , he's an amazing guy. sweet, loving helpful around the house, cooks, has goals... Any advice from either of you...It would be very helpful.. Thanks the two of you...

[Fudgie]

mcarra22,

 

He may not change his mind. usually in their mid to late 20s, if they don't want to have kids, it's likely that they won't want them.

I wouldn't bank on that because it's not fair to you OR him. He'll probably feel pressured and you will feel resentful.

[Oneironaut]

Whether or not one wants kids is something that should be talked about fairly early on, or as soon as it becomes obvious the relationship is getting serious.

 

I have always made it clear and up-front that I didn't want kids. And no, I never changed my mind. All my life I was told that I would, but I'm 43 now, and I don't regret anything.

 

For those who may hope/wish the other party will change their minds, consider this: Will YOU change YOURS? No? Then why on earth would you be so selfish as to expect them to change theirs about something so very important and life-altering just for you?

 

Just sayin'...

[freeasabird]

Hi i'm 28 I got married to my husband when i was 24 we had the whole convo about kids before we got married, not long after we got together and again in between and every time he said one day! Well I always planned to have kids when i was 28 don't know why just one of those things! I talked about having kids and when we should plan to have them when I was 27 he left me as he didn't want kids or at least my kids!! ha (there is a lot more to his leaving but I am not going to bore you with the details!). So the way I see things is when he said one day and wasn't committing I should had walked because 8 years later I am heading for divorce anyway, so I could had left after seeing him for six months where there would had little consequences all stay with him get married want kids and we broke up anyway the difference being he tore my life and heart apart!

 

You need to think about this now and not sit back and hope for the best because although you love him and you don't want to break up you may end up breaking up anyway further down the line because one of you or both of you won't be happy!

 

Good luck x

[ut804]

DONT EVER ASSUME SOMEONE WILL CHANGE THEIR MIND.

 

Take my mom's friend, for example. Married a man who said he didn't want to have kids. She assumed he would change his mind. NOPE! They ended up getting divorced.

 

I think a lot of women are in denial. they think their man will change his mind. they make excuses like "oh well he's young" or "oh well we don't have the money right now". LISTEN to what he says. Better to be single now and find someone else who wants kids then to have to break up when you're old and your fertility is going down the drain. and, discuss these things early on.

[dramallama]

Usually when someone says that, it REALLY means, "I don't want kids with YOU."

 

But even if, let's say, they do end up wanting kids in the future, it will probably be with a different person, and even if they might change their mind, is that really a risk that you want to take when your partner has been honest in letting you know how they feel?

[Fudgie]

I think it's downright rude to assume that your partner will "change their mind" on such an issue. Talk about completely invalidating their opinion. How would you feel if they felt they were just waiting on you to "change your mind" about kids once you see what a nightmare they can be? Doesn't feel very good, does it?

[mcarra22]

mcarra22,

 

He may not change his mind. usually in their mid to late 20s, if they don't want to have kids, it's likely that they won't want them.

I wouldn't bank on that because it's not fair to you OR him. He'll probably feel pressured and you will feel resentful.

 

Thank you very much for your opinion. I decided to not pressure him. We are planning on going our separate ways, but its hard because we love each other...

[Unknown1607307972]

I think it's downright rude to assume that your partner will "change their mind" on such an issue. Talk about completely invalidating their opinion. How would you feel if they felt they were just waiting on you to "change your mind" about kids once you see what a nightmare they can be? Doesn't feel very good, does it?

 

I agree, I actually said that even if I did change my mind about how I don't want kids...if I found out my boyfriend had been simply *expecting* it all along and didn't take me seriously before when I said I didn't want kids I probably would leave the relationship. I want to be with someone who takes me seriously and who respects my opinions.

[RecentlyAlone]

I was very happy to read this thread, even though it is super old, to see that I'm not alone. Although I can't say it's helped me figure out what to do now. I've been with my boyfriend (only person I've ever been with) for 5 years now. We've discussed kids many times throughout our relationship. He was never real excited over the thought of them but always thought he'd come around to the idea and would want to have one. I never thought this was a big deal as we were early to mid 20's. A few months ago he told me that he is unsure if he wants any. I told him he needs to figure it out because it is a dealbreaker for me and at 27 I feel like we are at that point where if our lives don't match up there's no point in continuing. I have always wanted kids and I have never even explored the option of not. He came to me a couple days ago and told me he made up his mind that he does not want kids. Not only that, but that was him breaking up with me. I never thought when he would come to his decision that that would be it with our relationship. He said maybe he'll change his mind in the future and hopefully it won't be too late for us. Obviously, I am not counting on that, but I just keep hoping he is going to call me and tell me he has changed his mind. I do not want to move on. I want him. I even said maybe I can explore the possibility of not having kids but he knew I was speaking from my heart not my head. He is very strong willed and doesn't want to string me along any further. I honestly question if he really is certain about not wanting them, but he just feels bad holding on to me if he doesn't. I really don't know what to do with myself. I've never pictured my life without him.

[haileyn]

Low and behold, 4 months later, and there's another girl in the same situation. Me.

 

I feel for all you ladies, and wonder how things worked out.

 

I've been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years, and just had the "big discussion". It started with moving in, which lead us to marriage, and then to kids. I told him we wouldn't move in unless we got engaged, and wouldn't get engaged unless we want to have a family one day. He hadn't ever thought of kids, or really ever wanted them. He's the type who fears change, and really takes time to warm up to any decision. We had a good long cry about the whole thing, and ultimately said we didn't want to resent each other years down the road, but also can't imagine being with anyone else.

 

For those of you who left, have you met anyone on the same page? What are the success stories (break up or not) that came out of these situations?

[LaKings55]

My sister basically had to bribe her husband into having children. They now have a beautiful baby girl, but he is still being self-centered and refusing to do any of the work as a father. So, guys like this or women like this don't make good parents. People may change, he might decide he wants kids someday, he may just be convincing himself he doesn't want to be a father. Personally, I can imagine no greater joy than being a father, and I will not pursue anyone who will not have children, it's a deal-breaker for me.

[lady00]

To the two posters who just posted about being in a similar situation--have you started your own threads? I think it might get you more responses because sometimes when people see that a thread is old, like this one, they don't bother opening it. But I think if they saw your posts lots of people would definitely want to respond.