I called him a Hypocrite

[HarleyHunny]

He has a 20 yr old daughter, I have a 16 yr old son. My kid's not a saint by any means. Has trouble in school. Been in trouble with drugs.....My b/f of 4 yrs is always preaching tough love to me. Until it comes to his girl! She got a DUI a few months back, he wouldn't bail her out, he refused to pay for an attorney. He told her she's now got to get her own insurance, he'll no longer carry her on his with a DUI. BUT when she called him last week and said she couldn't make rent, he wrote her a check. She couldn't pay her bills because she's paying for an attorney! She rear ended someone last night and when I said "well, that just means her insurance will go up more" his reply was she is still on his policy! He's always telling me when it comes to MY kid "until he starts doing right, and helping himself you should not help him!" What is he doing??? Sounds as if he's just as much an enabler to his daughter. So, I got mad and hung up on him!!!

Am I wrong? or is he a hypocrite?

[southerngirl]

Depends how long this has been going on. I'm sure he doesnt want his daughter to be homeless... its good she can count on him.

 

Would you want your son to be homeless?

 

Now then, if this is an ongoing thing and he is constantly bailing her out he isnt teaching her to face her own consequences.

[GQstatus]

He's definitely a hypocrite.

 

Maybe you two should have a talk, and agree to support eachother when it comes to your children. My mother's been dating a man for 7 years now, and he first met me when I was 17. Unlucky for him, I had quite the chip on my shoulder, was quite rude to him, yet he still gave me 100 bucks for xmas every year.

 

Sounds like I was a lot like your 16 yr old actually. Drugs, trouble in school, yet his son went to 8 years of college, and now makes 2 mill a year. But he never ONCE shed his opinions on me back then. Because he knew my mother wouldn't allow it.

 

We now get along great, watch sports and drink beer together. Point is, your bf doesn't have much say in how you raise your child. And you don't have much say how he raises his.

 

Don't let the problems you guys have with your children ruin your relationship.

[Scout]

Sounds as if he's just as much an enabler to his daughter. So, I got mad and hung up on him!!!

Am I wrong? or is he a hypocrite?

 

Neither of you are wrong to love your children and defend them, just as neither of you are right (technically, anywaqy) to question the other's parenting skills. However, I realize it's difficult not to give your opinions, right or wrong, as you two are seriously involved with each other.

 

What I would advise to both of you is to agree to disagree on some things, put your relationship above the need to be right, and accept that nobody's kid is perfect, just as nobody's parent is perfect. If it's any consolation, both tend to shape up as the years go by.

[HarleyHunny]

You're right, we each have no say in the other's children, however, things with my son have been quite tough the last few months and I've leaned on my b/f a lot. I know he's right in what he tells me and I know he cares about us both....it just p's me off, he doesn't practice what he preaches!

[GQstatus]

All of us are guilty of not "practicing what we preach", that just makes us human.

 

If your relationship is good outside of your children, I don't think there's much to worry about.

 

Maybe sit down and dish it all out at once? Get all the cards out on the table. Talk about both of your kids, and what you guys feel would be the best way to approach things from here on out, and then stick to that.

[Scout]

All of us are guilty of not "practicing what we preach", that just makes us human.

 

If your relationship is good outside of your children, I don't think there's much to worry about.

 

Maybe sit down and dish it all out at once? Get all the cards out on the table. Talk about both of your kids, and what you guys feel would be the best way to approach things from here on out, and then stick to that.

 

Excellent advice!

[RayKay]

Well, IS suspect that even though he wants her to own up to her mistakes, he does not want her homeless (or to move back with him!).

 

Showing tough love does not mean also throwing them to the wolves, unless this has been a continuous thing. A DUI is horrible, I agree, and she is VERY lucky she did not hurt anyone. I know a friend of a friend whom did drink and drive...once....and did kill two people, when they were 18.

 

And I hope she does learn her lesson. I think she can learn it from what he is doing right now, hopefully. He is probably trying to balance things. If she loses her home, she may lose her job, which may leave her sinking lower and lower.

 

We had to do some tough love on my brother when younger, due to some terrible behaviour and addictions....we never stopped loving him though, and while we were tough, we were there when he needed us - fairly, and not enabling...there is a line.

 

He has grown into a wonderful, responsible, loving, "clean" individual. I am so proud of him. It is because we were "tough"...but also never forgot the LOVE part of it too.

 

In a case like this, it is not all black and white, or what is right for one in one case is not right for the other in another case. Where she is at, may be different than where your son is at.

 

As parents, you always do the best you can - does not mean you are perfect.

[HarleyHunny]

No one wants their children to hurt. And tough love is called TOUGH for a reason. I certainly wouldn't want his daughter to be homeless just as he would not want my son in jail! but it's so frustrating that given enough time he always does what he says he will not! She finds a way to manipulate things, thereforeeee gets what she wants.

 

I just sent him an email saying why don't we agree to disagree about this, and let it go.........wish me luck!