Guys, are you attracted to a girl who moves the first move?

[Ellie24]

There's this guy that I've been hanging out with. He takes me out to nice dinners and we have a blast. We ended up fooling around the last few times. He flirts with me in class, he's always very respectful and seems to like me. I also know he's very busy, he works until 8 or 9pm alot of nights. We're also both taking classes on weekends. We live far away from each other but I work close to his place, so if he wanted to ask me out I'd basically have to sleep over at his place and go to work the next day.

 

He seems to be interested in me, but he's never 'asked' me out. Every time we've gone out, he would ask me to call him when I'm free and I would sort of end up asking him out. I want to go out with him again, but I don't want to be too pushy.

 

At what point should I stop? I feel like if he really was interested, he would just call me and ask me out. We've studied together 4 times total, and I slept over at his place twice. I want to go on a real date but what I really want is for him to want me enough to just ask me out.

 

I don't know what to do.. any advice?

[cantexplain]

I'd be afraid to answer your question here until I understood why you wanted him to ask you out.

 

I wonder if he might want you to ask him out?

 

Have there been any romantic clues? Any sexual tension? What does your gut say about his feelings for you?

[Ellie24]

There's been some romantic clues, there's been sexual tension.

 

Mostly, I think he's a pretty cool guy and he's been alot of fun when we hang out and we have alot in common. I want to have fun with him and see where it goes, but I don't want to go after him if he's just not that into me.

 

I like him, but I don't have the time and energy to pursue someone if he's not really interested in the first place.

 

Why would a guy want me to ask him out? This particular one is very confident and mature, I would think he would want to be the one doing the pursuing..

[cantexplain]

Phooey. Ask him out!

 

He could be confident in many ways but that one. Plus he may like and respect you so much he doesn't want to risk losing a friend.

 

This is the 21st century. I say make the move and you will find out.

 

Keep us posted.

[Daddy Bear]

Guys get accused of stalking/harassment more easily than girls. If she asks him out, there's no worry about that.

 

Why not just casually tell him that it would be nice for him to initiate once in a while?

[Batya33]

Sounds like he's not "that" into you and he is comfortable with you putting in more of the effort because he can passively say "sure, sounds like fun" and he doesn't have to remember to call you in advance, to think of a fun/interesting activity for you to do. As far as the geography, he could ask you out for a saturday or sunday day date and either come to where you are and travel back or you could go out there and travel back, or meet in the middle.

 

As far as him working till 8 or 9 well I wish - and my boyfriend does too - that we had that kind of predictable schedule - I've worked far longer hours and a more unpredictable schedule and made time for a relationship when I wanted to.

 

He has enough interest to date you when you ask him out but my guess is if you stopped being so available and accomodating - if you waited for him to call you in advance for a date he planned, you'd be waiting a long time. And, this is the "honeymoon phase." Look, if you proposed in a year he might say "sure, why not, sounds good" but you will have to be the one making all the plans, putting in the majority of the effort to show love and affection, etc. Is that ok with you?

 

And I think it's silly that he doesn't want to risk the friendship - if he didn't want to risk the friendship, he wouldn't fool around with you.

[willow2900]

I think that a guy OR a girl who is attracted and would like to start something up with someone should make a move. Confidence and idependance is attractive. Anytime I have asked a guy out it's been positive. And it really boosts your ego when someone says "yes I'll go out with you!" Guys should not be obligated to make the first move.

 

If you want it - try for it.

[Daddy Bear]

I think that a guy OR a girl who is attracted and would like to start something up with someone should make a move. Confidence and idependance is attractive. Anytime I have asked a guy out it's been positive. And it really boosts your ego when someone says "yes I'll go out with you!" Guys should not be obligated to make the first move.

 

If you want it - try for it.

Hey - I TOTALLY agree with that!

[Batya33]

I know of no long term happy relationships (age group - late 20s and up) where the woman did most of the calling, initiating and planning in the beginning - the first few months - most of the dates. I have heard of relationships where the woman asked out the man the first time but do not know them personally.

 

Men are flattered to be asked out but when it comes to a serious relationship they most likely will choose the woman where they did most of the calling, initiating and planning in the beginning (I don't know the dating practices of teenagers/young 20s so that might be different).

 

I've asked out several men - most said yes and most we went out one time - they did not ask me out after that. It was fine - no problem for me to do so just ineffective given my goal (a long term relationship). My boyfriend would not have been comfortable if had not let him do most of the asking in the beginning and the same with all of my serious boyfriends.

[Ellie24]

We are both going to med school soon. I'm going in about a year and he'll probably be going in about two years, but no sooner.

 

The first time we studied together, he asked me when I was going to med school and if I would consider waiting a year. I didn't really think about the significance of that question until after we fooled around (and I knew that he was romantically interested). My answer was no, there is almost no reason I would consider waiting to go to med school.

 

This is a weird situation for me. I think I actually like him alot, and I get the feeling he might like me alot. But, we are both very busy and have alot of plans ahead of us that make a real future together nearly impossible.

 

Most of the time, I think what I want out of this is just to have fun but from what I know about him, he could potentially be the kind of person I would want to date for a long time.

 

It's complicated.

 

Tomorrow is the last day of class and the whole class is going out to get drinks to celebrate. I think I'm going to ask him if he wants to just keep things casual and have fun and hope that I don't end up falling for him.

 

I can already see how this might be very bad in the future.

[Batya33]

If you think you might want a serious relationship with him I would take a more disciplined approach and give him a little space to see if he steps up to the plate. Do not play games just simply tell him that you are uncomfortable continuing with this casual hooking up where he doesn't seem interested in making plans with you so that if he is not interested in at least meeting you half way and really dating you, you would prefer to move on and find someone who is, so you don't get hurt. Then follow through by keeping the ball in his court. It's been in yours long enough.

 

Best of luck in med school!

[Elfdrinkingtea]

If you really want to be with someone and that person also give you signs that he/she likes you, by all mean ask he/she out.

 

IT is that simple.

[DN]

Moderator Note: Please remain on topic.

[cantexplain]

These are all excellent points to balance out this discussion.

 

I am not sure where you said he was fooling around with you, or what you said that we can infer he is.

 

Pulling back from the friendship is a tried and tested way to bring underlying romantic feelings to the surface. Its also a bit manipulative. Is that okay with you?

 

As for me, I think I'd follow Batya's advice at first and pull back platonically and see if he steps up romantically. If that doesn't work ... then choose the next step. If he doesn't step up ( I bet he does) I hope you'd still give the relationship a chance by asking him out and continuing to get to know him but in a more romantic way.

[friscodj]

Ellie-

 

Let me get this straight, he takes you out to nice dinners and you guys have a blast. You want to go out with him again. You've fooled around and slept over at his place. What exactly did this "sleep over" entail?

 

We can strategize and dissect this thing six ways from Sunday but I think the best way to reach a resolution with this is to talk to him. Have you guys has a serious talk yet? Have you brought these things you are bringing up to Internet strangers with him? Forget "relationship technicalities" in the sense of "what you are to each other" or "what you owe each other", it is high time for this I would say...for yourself and your own direction...

 

It amazes me how people avoid, tip-toe and/or otherwise dance around the direct path to solutions to problems. So much time, frustration, and complication can be saved. Maybe in his mind these things are his way of asking you out? Maybe not... Better to find out the truth now, sooner than later, and take appropriate action either way. I'd say you guys have enough of a basis for this...

 

And when you talk, don't just listen to the words. Absorb the body language, the critical non-verbal communication and above all, trust your judgment on the matter. A lot of times, people see and really know what's going on, but they either don't believe in their assessment of the situation, or don't want to believe in their assessment of the situation.

[Ellie24]

Well, to clarify.. we go out to nice dinners as a break from studying. When we fooled around, it got sexual but I didn't want either of us to come. The last time we fooled around, I think he was on the way to orgasm and I stopped.. I wasn't ready for that yet and we had a test the next day.

 

I asked him why he never asked me out, and I added that I've never really dated anyone before. All my past relationships have been hanging out in groups and then all of the sudden we were an item. So, his response was "what are you talking about, we had a nice time tonight.. I don't see the point of calling you up just to ask you out when I'm going to see you every weekend." I told him that I felt weird always doing the asking since I would be sleeping over at his place and I didn't want to keep inviting myself over.

 

I know I should talk to him about this, but he keeps sending these weird mixed signals.

 

Anyway, I'm just going to talk to him about it after class tomorrow. I have a final tomorrow and I've been agonizing over this guy.

[Batya33]

He's not sending you mixed signals. You are asking him out and he is accepting. He doesn't want to ask you out because he figures you're always available and he'll get to see you - no worries about you having a date with someone else because you make it clear that you are free by asking him out (or making plans, etc). If anyone is sending him mixed signals, it's you. You're available to hang out and hook up so he figures by your behavior, you're fine with that and then out of nowhere you want him to start asking you out on proper dates.

 

I would stop being so available, suggest meeting halfway, or have him drive to your area, take you out and drive home (how far is it?).

 

I also totally agree with the poster who said - lay it on the line and ask him his intentions. It's a bit harder to do now with the pattern you've established but no time like the present.

[Ellie24]

It's about 40 miles, and I live in a city with horrible traffic.. practically 24 hours a day. I also don't drive. I usually take the train to work, and my work is about 10 miles away from his place.

 

I didn't realize that I've been sending mixed signals.

 

I've been chatting and flirting with this other guy in class because I wanted to see if that would make him take more action. I guess he could see that as a sign that I'm not interested in him.

 

How do I stop being so available.. without actually being unavailable?

[cantexplain]

Ellie24 I am sorry I missed the extent of your relationship so far.

 

It sounds to me like you did the right thing by stopping when you did.

 

Also, I'm thinking now maybe you went too fast for the kind of relationship you want to develop with him.

 

My thinking is to make a bit of distance so both of you have the space to figure out what each wants, and what each wants for the other.

 

I feel love wants the other's good. Here we are talking about what you want for your own good. This guy did not seem to hear that you wanted to "date" in one sense, while to him he may already be "dating" in another. I am not faulting either of you for such a miscommunication. These things can be very confusing if things happen without some pace and some talk.

 

For example, when you say "an item" referring to your past relationships - I think that an item would be dating. That's just naive me! So words like dating, romance, relationship, etc. can mean many different things and should be clarified between the two people directly involved.

 

One difference between what you experienced previously in romantic situations and this is that the pace occurred in the context of a group, whereas this pace occurred with the two of you more alone.

 

So you feel the need to "date" as you mean it to regain a bit of a more protracted pace to this - do some other things accross a bit more time? You've got the friendship and the passion, but not the deepr intimacy and maybe even respect?

 

This all brings us back to friscodj's insights that all this needs to be talked out. And from what you've shared the sticking point seems to be that he doesn't feel the need to call you since he is expecting you on the weekends, anyway. You want something else, right?

[Batya33]

It's about 40 miles, and I live in a city with horrible traffic.. practically 24 hours a day. I also don't drive. I usually take the train to work, and my work is about 10 miles away from his place.

 

I didn't realize that I've been sending mixed signals.

 

I've been chatting and flirting with this other guy in class because I wanted to see if that would make him take more action. I guess he could see that as a sign that I'm not interested in him.

 

How do I stop being so available.. without actually being unavailable?

 

You tell him - I made a mistake - I am not comfortable just hanging out and hooking up. If you want to be in a relationship with me -- one on one - - then that's fine. If that's true I need to see you step up to the plate too. I seem to be the one making all the plans to get together and I am uncomfortable with that role. If you don't want to be exclusive for now that's fine, but then I can't keep sleeping over and hooking up because I am getting too attached if that's all this is. No pressure, but if you are interested in dating me, non-exclusively, give me some advance notice and if I am available we can get together.

[Ellie24]

I want to see him when we aren't studying. I want to have some kind of relationship with him where I feel like I'm not doing all the work. I also just want to know what's up. I guess I have to find the right time to talk to him about all of this.

 

I just deleted his number so that I won't call him so I guess I'll have to wait and talk to him in person.

[Ellie24]

You tell him - I made a mistake - I am not comfortable just hanging out and hooking up. If you want to be in a relationship with me -- one on one - - then that's fine. If that's true I need to see you step up to the plate too. I seem to be the one making all the plans to get together and I am uncomfortable with that role. If you don't want to be exclusive for now that's fine, but then I can't keep sleeping over and hooking up because I am getting too attached if that's all this is. No pressure, but if you are interested in dating me, non-exclusively, give me some advance notice and if I am available we can get together.

 

Yeah, I think that's the perfect advice. I'll do that tomorrow.

[Batya33]

I also would say, don't have high hopes - my guess is that given how busy he is he is happy just to sit back and have someone to hang out and hook up with so he doesn't have to put in any effort. If he wanted more he likely would have spoken up by now. I definitely think you need to talk to him to make sure you know what's going on but that's my sense. Next time I would not get into the hanging out/hooking up pattern if you want a relationship (if you just want a fling, that's totally cool of course).

[Daddy Bear]

You tell him - I made a mistake - I am not comfortable just hanging out and hooking up. If you want to be in a relationship with me -- one on one - - then that's fine. If that's true I need to see you step up to the plate too. I seem to be the one making all the plans to get together and I am uncomfortable with that role. If you don't want to be exclusive for now that's fine, but then I can't keep sleeping over and hooking up because I am getting too attached if that's all this is. No pressure, but if you are interested in dating me, non-exclusively, give me some advance notice and if I am available we can get together.

Oh, my Lord, that's the driest thing I've ever heard. That'll send him running for sure.

 

I was thinking something a whole lot friendlier, like, "You know, you're welcome to ask ME out once in a while, too," and then holding back to see if he does.

 

He doesn't want to ask you out because he figures you're always available and he'll get to see you - no worries about you having a date with someone else because you make it clear that you are free by asking him out (or making plans, etc).

I don't believe it's possible for the poster to know his motivation, and I think this statement shows a detached disregard for the health of the relationship. I hope you'll take my advice and come at him in a much softer manner.

[cantexplain]

batya advice speaks well to the OP's mind and heart, and somebloke's brings it down to earth for this guy and the relationship. Problem is, I take it, that OP has already tried basically to get him to do the asking on dating. And I think she wants more than just hanging out at his house. To me, it seems clear, that no matter what, the current pattern is what she wants to change. Sounds to me like some holding back is inevitable. Also sounds to me like the idea of "dating" needs to be clarified.

 

So how about holding back and not saying this is what she is doing. Then, ALSO explaining, "I really like you and I want you to take the initiative of asking me out and let's start doing things together on the weekends and during the week that are more like the things people do when they are dating. I fear we may be going to fast. I want this to work, so let's have fun and do some other things together, now. -- ??