How do you respond to the "it's not you, it's me" speech?

[tomservo]

I just got the "it's not you, it's me" speech in an e-mail and I'm not sure how to respond. She didn't actually use the words "it's not you, it's me" but it pretty much boils down to that.

 

A little background first. I met this girl online about 9 months ago. She mentioned right away that she hadn't really dated anyone in several years and seemed to want to take things slowly. I was very much okay with this because I feel the same way.

 

Anyway, long story short, she turned out to be pretty flaky. And she would admit this and apologize. But would still keep doing it. i.e. saying she would call and not doing it, not returning phone calls, etc.

 

I had sort of backed off a few months ago just to see if she would try to contact me, which she would always do. We hung out with some friends the other night and I purposely limited my contact with her. Today, she sends me an email saying that she's sorry about how hot and cold she has and that's she's had a really bad year (which is true) and her life is a mess right now. She said that she didn't want to lead me on and hurt me, but she can't be in a relationship right now. She said that she likes me and is attracted to me, but can't be the person I need her to be right now.

 

I have to say that all of that is probably accurate and I don't think she is just making something up to blow me off. I don't want to just ignore her email. I'd like to respond, but I don't know what to say. I still really like her, and would like to think that something might potentially happen in the future so I don't want to close the door on that. On the other hand, I don't want to make her feel like I'm pressuring her into something. Help?

[friscodj]

Hey tom-

 

In situations like this, I have found it better to delve past the surface-level urges to question not only the decision itself to end things and the motivation and reason behind such and look to the deeper message. You'll get wrapped up in a lot of frustration by going this route, trying to make sense out of potential nonsense. For whatever reason, which really is moot when you break it down to the lowest levels, she does not want to be with you. Take that message away here.

 

At this point, you owe her nothing. You are 100% free of responsibility beyond giving her the same basic treatment you would any other human being. Yes, you shared some good times, made some good memories, but she, as of right now, is gone.

 

If I were in this position (and I have been before several times), I would shoot back a quick reply, thanking her for the time spent together and wish her the best. Not only would I say it, I would mean it and believe it. Try not to hold onto too much resentment, bitterness, play and games trying to subtly get her to contact you again, just move on to bigger and better things with the experience and subsequent wisdom gained from this situation.

[BetterKarma]

Tell her, thank you for being up front and honest with me. I understand what you are saying and respect your decision. I hope we can at least be friends. I can be there for you if you ever need me and vice versa. Something along those lines.

 

This will leave the communicates open and see how she responds to that. And also you don't sound like you're begging or being desperate.

[visorguy]

I agree, all that matters is she DOES NOT WANT TO BE WITH YOU. That is all the closure you need. I got a similar speech from my ex, and we were quite intimate and serious (or so I thought) and I didn't believe her. I knew it was an excuse. I didn't intentionally delve deeper, I was polite and let her go so we could potentially be friends later. After 2 weeks, she asked if we could be friends with benefits. That was when I lost it, calling her out on her bs reasons to break up with me, feeling like I was led on and used for sex, etc. All I really did by reacting was open up wounds and open up further questions, which of course she did not answer. I wish I would have repeated "she doesn't want to be with me. I deserve someone who does. That is all that matters. Don't react, just walk away."

 

Don't react. Don't seek answers. You won't get the answers you want. All you can do is push her away, create bitter angry feelings, and feel more rejected. Don't do it. Accept her reasons and assert that you want someone who can give you what you want and she is not that person. Believe that. Believe you deserve more than her, and walk away.

[friscodj]

Don't react. Don't seek answers. You won't get the answers you want. All you can do is push her away, create bitter angry feelings, and feel more rejected. Don't do it. Accept her reasons and assert that you want someone who can give you what you want and she is not that person. Believe that. Believe you deserve more than her, and walk away.

 

Good addition to the thread here!

 

And I wouldn't even discuss the possibility of being friends at this point. Close this up, walk away, and later on when all this has passed and you have truly digested and gotten over it, consider friendship then. Under the conditions of your rejection and subsequent feelings, I truly feel a true friendship is not possible anyway. If one results, it will be shrouded in the feelings you have related to this situation and lead to more frustration, confusion, and rejection I can guarantee.

 

For now, priority #1 is buttoning this up, detaching, and getting to better emotional places before opening things up with her again on any level.

 

Don't overwhelm yourself. Break this down into manageable steps. Take this process in steps and this is the first of such a process...getting clear of the situation completely to gain a handle on your feelings, process grief, and gain a perspective on what is going on and what you truly want.

[Wotgorilla]

I totally agree more with the above. It comes to a point where, you tried, and tried hard. She's just not the right girl for you. If you want to respond, respond in a respectful, business like way. Thank her for being upfront and wish her the best and that's it.

[renaissancewoman101]

Why is it such a bad idea to NOT try to find out why she broke up with him? Maybe he can fix what went wrong.

 

To me breakups are always something fixable.

[Batya33]

I don't think it's worth it to probe further - that just shows her you care and better to leave her wondering if you do so she can reconsider whether she can make space/time for a relationship right now.

 

I would write: Thanks for your e-mail. I wish you all the best. Take care and feel free to contact me if you change your mind-- and if I am not in a relationship at that time I'll consider it.

[Hayles]

Tell her - "You're right - it is you - not me!!!!!

[p_fred]

I think the best answer I have heard to this question would be "I understand"

 

Nothing more.. no talk about friends in the future.. Just that you acknowledge her message and accept it. I think that is what I should have said to my ex.

 

I saw someone post when they broke up with their SO they had got a simple reply like that they freaked and wondered if they had made a big mistake.

[Blazer]

Hey all, this is my first posting (just joined) and toms thread is exactly what I am experiencing right now. I appreciate very much being able to read the replies .... it helps a whole lot. Thanks !

[tomservo]

Wow. Thanks for all the responses.

 

This is what I told her: "I understand. Good luck. I hope you find whatever you're looking for."

 

Then, not three minutes later she responds: "That sounds so final. Like you're telling me goodbye. Is that what you're doing?"

 

I responded with: "No. I just don't want to make a big deal out of this."

 

She hasn't written back but I know she read it.

 

She said that she wants to remain friends, but I don't want that. At least not right now. I know we'll see each again fairly soon because I've become real good friends with her circle of friends and we all hang out. If she brings up the friend thing again, the only thing I can tell her is that I'm not really interested in having another buddy I can pal around with. I have plenty of friends. That's not what I'm looking for. And it wouldn't be fair to anyone to try and fake that. I've tried that before and I just ended up bitter and resentful and lost the friendship anyway.

[Blazer]

" Successful relationships are not about being right for each other; they are about commitment and when someone breaks that commitment or abuse your trust, that leaves you alone and bruised."

 

That sums it up very nicely Mia. I couldnt agree more

[friscodj]

She said that she wants to remain friends, but I don't want that. At least not right now. I know we'll see each again fairly soon because I've become real good friends with her circle of friends and we all hang out. If she brings up the friend thing again, the only thing I can tell her is that I'm not really interested in having another buddy I can pal around with. I have plenty of friends. That's not what I'm looking for. And it wouldn't be fair to anyone to try and fake that. I've tried that before and I just ended up bitter and resentful and lost the friendship anyway.

 

You're a very wise man! You know what's up for sure...give it time...let things settle and get sorted out completely before going back into any type of relationship with her, even a friendly one.

 

But yeah, given what you wrote here, this thing is far from done I think. Expect some effort (likely manipulative) on her part to get what she wants from the situation, i.e., being "friends" with you, without regard for you or your wishes.

 

You just rejected her by your action of closing this in the sense she wants to be friends and not giving her what she wants. Expect and get ready for some response to that...

[Blazer]

Good advice friscodj .... the one thing I would add to that Tom is that her desire for a friendship (platonic) is making it all on her terms. Simply stated, its not fair for someone to take the parts of you that suit their purpose and discard the rest. For any relationship whether its a romantic one or otherwise to be healthy it has to be on terms that are MUTUALLY beneficial.

[friscodj]

Simply stated, its not fair for someone to take the parts of you that suit their purpose and discard the rest. For any relationship whether its a romantic one or otherwise to be healthy it has to be on terms that are MUTUALLY beneficial.

 

Words to live by...101% correct letter-for-letter...