Ever Feel Like You Just Can't Take It Anymore?...

[Azual]

I do forewarn you, it's long.

 

I've felt down for the past week or so... maybe the past two/three days... I can't remember...

 

Tonight really is what set off my mood, my sinking to depression...

 

My girlfriend, who I love and adore, who I am faithful to... Is two faced... But aren't we all? What sets me off though, what makes me sad... is I go to a youth group (Youths fighting against drugs and teaching others through plays about the dangers) for the community service hours (those of you who know, I am still on probation...) and to see HER!

 

Yeah, but I should have expected it... she's with her friend and when ANYONE besides me is around (3 makes a crowd, right?)... she goes into " * * * * *-Mode" (my friend is responsible for using that one... and it kinda fits...) She acts like I'm just kinda... there.

 

I talked to a very close friend of mine tonight, for basically the whole meeting since I don't do any presentations do to my probation... and he laid out his thoughts. Struck home on a few points...

 

-She doesn't seem to truly appreciate love, she just wants you with her when she FEELS like having a "boyfriend".

-She goes into " * * * * * mode" whenever her friends are around because she chooses them over you.

-She acts like the hardcore chick who has her guy whipped. Yeah, WE KNOW! No need to get even MORE HARDCORE about it... We all know that there is nothing you wouldn't do and nothing you won't do for her... but when friends are around it's like she abuses that power...

-She wants you around only when she wants "romantic time" or time with a guy... (not sexual since she says she's not ready... which would explain why we've almost had sex over the past 10 months like 3 times [with about 3 months in between almosts (we never had a condom and didn't want to risk it!)])

-She knows you won't leave her, that you're too dedicated... but it's killing you and you shouldn't put up with her * * * *.

 

I know, the last point drove home, but dammit... she's my life... the one true thing that I'm somewhat happy with! It's not fair... that's the reason I work so hard to get off probation... so hard to get my grades up... I'd do anything and everything for her... and my friend points out that when I do, she doesn't appreciate it anymore...

 

I went driving tonight... and I drove past my old Elementary School. How I wish my kindergarten teacher were there. That lady was one of the few people in this world that I could cry on... and feel safe. So instead, I drove around the parking lot a few times... looking at the school and remembering how easy it was... how much fun I had... How many opportunities and doors were open for me that I've all but flicked up with probation.

 

I remember Elementary... I remember that it was so simple... you liked someone and they liked you or they didn't. There were no real shades of gray (which I was introduced to at a young age, which has truly messed with my head... I don't know who to trust, how to trust... or why I should trust anyone =

 

What am I going to do...? I'm lost on my girlfriend, because I love her... and I can't stand the thought of going through life without her knowing I had something special...

I'm almost done with probation... but it's wearing away at me... I can't take it anymore ='

I'm tired of being the strong, silent, big brother type to EVERYONE... Where the hell is my big bro? Where is my strong, silent wall that I can cry to?...

I'm so lost... so confused...

[AwdreeHpburn]

Hey Azual - I think I totally know what you're talking about and it is MY opinion that you do need to break up with her - WAIT, HEAR ME OUT - if for no other reason than to give her a wake-up call that says she CAN'T treat people like that.

 

I think a *temporary* break-up will make her face the issue and maybe then the two of you can get it all out there and some changes can be made. But she needs to know you won't take being mis-treated.

 

I agree that it IS as your friend very wisely said, she just gets full of herself and is too assured that she can do anything and you'll take it, yeh?

 

Part of it really IS a show for her friends. DON'T let her get away with that. If you do, you'll be setting yourself up to take it for the rest of your life whether from her or another girl. And you'll be setting her up to continue treating others that way too.

 

You don't want to be a whipping boy forever, yeh? Nor do you want her to be in switch-mode forever.

 

Shake it up a bit. Give her a little run for her money. Call her bluff. It may be so unexpected that it forces her to reslove the issue.

 

If not and she acts mad and like a bigger switch....well.....then.....maybe that's just what she is and its time for you to bow out anyway. Do you know what I mean?

[Azual]

Yeah, but it's so hard to call that bluff... because she knows that without her, I'm not happy (course, according to EVERYONE, I ain't happy WITH her either...) and it just... hurts so much...