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Unsent Letter of Thoughts to Her (long)

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Dear S,


It's been roughly three months now since we spoke last and it hasn't been easy. Last time i saw your face was with some other guy online and I think i flipped out about that too even worse then when i found out you were with him. I understand things were so messed up between us and you didn't love me anymore. That is the part that hurts so much. After we broke up the first time, it was 8 painful months that i was single and i tried to date again. Yes I slept with another girl (8 months after we broke up) and I knew that hurt you, which is the only reason I think the second chance even happened. Anyway, the reason i went elsewhere is because i had to force myself to try and date someone else because out of your own mouth you said you didn't want to marry me. There are a lot of things I would like to apologize for and here we go.

sorry for:

my clinginess

my psychotic ups and downs

any pain caused by you know who

and anything else i did to hurt you, i am truly sorry.


I miss so many things about you. I still think about you every day. I fight through all the terrible thoughts of the rotten ways you might be feeling about me and the horrible things you might be saying, trying to force myself to move past it because i don't really know what you're saying.


I don't understand the point of your emails, asking if I was intending on dropping YOU off the face of the earth when for the second time, you left me. I don't understand you saying you care about me etc. I know i screwed things up, we both did, what exactly do you want from/for me? Some days I wish I never met you but I have learned so much about what to and not to do in a relationship however painful of a learning process it was.


I haven't responded to anything you have written me, or any of the chain forwarded emails etc you have sent only because i am terrified of a single day past the time when i get over this that i have to spend in this painful place.


I don't know if you're with anyone and I don't even want to know. If you are the truth is i can't say i wish you the best of luck (honesty) because my emotions are so screwed up and of course i don't want anyone else to have you. I am sure far down the road i will honestly feel that i want the best for you but right now i can't even get through one emotion without the next one plowing through meaning that when i get angry, im sad so quickly that i didn't even get to deal with the anger.


There are a million and one things that if i could change and go back in time I would and i think you know every last one of them. I could go on for hours.

I could if only myself until I am blue in the face.


I think it's easy for you to send those emails to me because you didn't feel the same way about me as I did you, from the beginning, when you admittedly resisted me.


The truth is I don't really believe you care, but the battle is, maybe you haven't called because you DO care and want to let me go in peace this time. I don't know and it's not for me to know anymore. Goodbye and i don't care what your idea about love is, I loved you the best way i knew how. The BEST way I knew how.

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