Her friends all cheat on their boyfriends

[anonymous coward]

My girl's friends are all really materialistic and shallow. They all expect guys to be rich and sacrifice their lives for their girl, and these girls all cheat on their boyfriends and collect as many guys as they can.

 

My girl isn't like this. But... does it mean something that *all* of her hang out friends (5-6 girls) are of this same sort?

[spirits]

Like attracts like. You should begin wondering why she hangs around with these friends.

[washburn1243]

I wouldn't end the relationship over this, but I would be a little wary. Like Spirits said, like does attract like. I have known very good people, though, that have many friends I wouldn't trust any day of the week. I'd just keep close track of changes to her behavior patterns until you know her very well. I'm not sure of her age, but if she is still in her late teens to early 20s, I'd be wary of her friends trying to sabotage your relationship if it starts pulling her away from the pack.

 

I'm by no means saying you should be controlling or possessive, but rather to just keep the blinders off to her social life. I've seen the devious results of the young adulthood pack mentality too many times.

[eleanorrigby1]

one of my best friends used to be a lap dancer, she has two children to two different dads and she cheats on her boyfriend. She is also kind and would do anything for me, i have known her since I was 11. I would never not be her friend. My other friend is total bunny boiler she doesnt let her boyfriend out of her sight, she is jealous and doesnt trust him to go out on a boys night so she goes along, incase he cheats. He did cheat on her once and she took him back, for a while i lost respect for her, my boyfriend thinks she is the worlds biggest idiot for taking her cheating boyfriend back and sticking herself to him like glue.

 

My other best friend lives with a guy who she openly admits is the ugliest thing she has ever seen but he is rich. she says she loves him but probably wouldnt if he didnt have all that they have, a big house in the country, two cars, three holidays a year. My boyfriend calls her a gold digger.

 

Another one of my friends was the town bike for a while! and another is a mad party head who takes lots of drugs, (I dont take drugs, never have)

 

I dont cheat, I would never cheat on my boyfriend, I would never lap dance, I would never have children without being married first, I would never be with a man for his money, i prefer to be independent.

 

my point? If I thought my boyfriend judged me because of the people I hang around with, I would be really upset and would be in trouble?!! ha ha

 

however, I can see your point because one of my best friends says her boyfriends best mates all cheat on their girlfriends and go out to lap dancing clubs constantly, and my friend is paranoid her boyfriend will be influenced. I said "If you think he is that weak minded, a sheep that is easily lead, or that he has no mind of his own and you dont trust him, why are you with him?"

 

That shut her up!

 

We are all our own people, with our own minds and ar responsible for ourselves. Friends are friends for whatever reason, maybe they have always been our friends since school.. maybe they make us laugh and cheer us up, whatever their morals, we dont have to agree on everything to be friends. If my friend wants to cheat on her boyfriend then thats up to her.. doesnt influence me, because i have my own mind! you get me?

[TheFoglifter]

As has been said, this CAN be a dangerous situation -- you don't want to ignore it outright, but you definitely don't need to be stuck to her like glue.

 

The issue goes beyond her friends behavior to the fact that they are her friends. She may hate their behavior, but if the last thing you want is for her to ditch her social circle entirely, then become totally dependent on you as her only friend.

 

The best thing for you to do is become friends with these girls (you don't actually have to like them, but don't make them into enemies) because if it ever does come down to a showdown situation, it is easier to paint them as the aggressors if you are friendly to them.

 

It is also true that they may sabotage your relationship if they ever see it as a threat to losing their friend. Try to build another social circle of good people that you can hopefully transition her in to.

[eleanorrigby1]

People have the right to chose their own friends and whether they are deemed 'good' or 'bad' friends pisses me off. If my boyfriend started saying "I dont like the people you hang out with... hence lets find some new people" i would tell him to eff off!!

 

I think as long as your girlfriend isnt echo-ing their behaviour then you don't have to worry. We aren't our SO's parents, so it isnt up to us to 'approve' of each other's friends. It isnt them we are going out with.

 

My boyfriend's best mate cheats on every girl he has ever been out with, even his fiance. My boyfriend dispises cheating and i fully trust him, his other friend takes lots of drugs, my boyfriend doesnt touch them, never has, never will.

 

I wouldnt dream of covertly trying to get my boyfriend hanging out with more 'good' friends!

[TheFoglifter]

... wouldnt dream of covertly trying to get my boyfriend hanging out with more 'good' friends!"

 

What if your boyfriend started to seem in favor of, consider, or even DO the things that the friends are influencing him to do? If my gf only hung out with friends who exhibited very selfish and materialistic attitudes, and who were always unfaithful, and who actually TRIED to sabotage our relationship, I would be quite irritated.

 

Its hard to predict my exact reaction, but if she started exhibiting negative behavior that her friends had influenced, I would certainly react with the intention of nipping it in the bud. Why the hell would I WANT that behavior to be permitted? I sure don't want to be the sucker who kept saying "I trust you honey, I trust you honey" only to find out that last month, her friends convinced her to cheat.

 

Then I'd probably get that speech about how she is so sorry, and didn't mean for it to happen, and things got out of hand, and she cracked under pressure and a million other excuses that don't change the outcome.

 

People have their own interests at heart, why shouldn't I protect mine?

[Iceman26]

My girl's friends are all really materialistic and shallow. They all expect guys to be rich and sacrifice their lives for their girl, and these girls all cheat on their boyfriends and collect as many guys as they can.

 

My girl isn't like this. But... does it mean something that *all* of her hang out friends (5-6 girls) are of this same sort?

 

"Birds of a feather flock together"

 

She has to have something in common with them.

[TheFoglifter]

Ellie makes quite a good point, similar to the one I made. Lets forget about whether or not it will happen and strike at the heart of the matter.

 

How would you react if she exhibited this behavior towards you?

 

I kind of see ellie's point about the positives, maybe she'll get it all out of her system and be "real" with you. Alternatively, maybe she'll play you against another guy (Steve took me to can you top that?). In this age of price comparison and self-gratification, inevitably we will be matched against people who can offer more than we can.

[ghost69]

high maintenance is not my style. i make that apparent immediately when i meet a woman. high maintenance = gold digger. they have no morals.

[TheFoglifter]

HM doesn't always have to mean gold-digger. There are cases where money never enters the picture, and others when it does.

 

High maintenance could mean that you always have to comfort her over something, or she is always demanding you spend time with her. You constantly have to make excuses to your friends and miss going out with your friends, or cut back or even give up activities you enjoy because she "needs" something.

 

Of course high maintenance could also mean that she always wants to go out, and expects lots of gifts and lunches, and presents, and she always needs you to help her out with some unforeseen expense, or she can't treat you to movies because a surprise bill came up.

 

No fun if you don't get something out of it.

[ghost69]

clingy or demanding is your first description. high maintenance doesn't mean demanding of your time.

 

high maintenance means she wants the material types of things in life...jewelry, dinners out a lot, other gifts, etc.

[TheFoglifter]

No it doesn't. What you said is more accurately described as "golddigger".

 

Maybe its better to just agree that "high maintenance" is an umbrella term that covers the whole lot.

[ghost69]

sounds good fog.

 

everytime i read the title of this thread i say sarcastically, 'sounds like some nice chicks'. i wouldn't date a girl in a circle of friends like this. especially if they are so open about their cheating.

[TheFoglifter]

Yeah seriously. This issue goes deeper too. Did you ever see the Eddie Murphy skit (I think it was from the 80s, in "raw" or "delirious") when he talks about how he wants to marry that woman from Africa who was riding the back of the Zebra. He was afraid he'd bring her to America, and she'd learn from her American friends about divorce, and taking half his money.

 

One day, she'd walk in and just say: Eddie.... I WANT HALF!

 

As condescending as it sounds, there are plenty of "ideas" that men get nervous of having their girlfriends practice. Its especially dangerous when everyone in the group is doing it and getting away with it and having so much fun, and she is the one who is still working hard and feeling left out. Whether that idea is cheating, or quitting their jobs, or whatever... still causes a lot of trouble.

[ghost69]

well, i wouldn't put myself in a situation where the chick that i'm kind of seeing is kind of seeing multiple other guys. i don't care if it is for options. i'm not asking to be exclusive, but i would like to know. for my own personal safety.

[SummerGirl38]

Just my opinion, take it with a grain of salt, but I feel you should trust a person until they prove they cannot be trusted.

 

Your g/f has her own mind and can make her own decisions. If she too decides to cheat, shame on her, but you won't be able to stop her if that is what she sets out to do.

 

I have friends who have cheated. All I tell them is I will not lie for you and do not involve me in it

 

Honestly, until she gives you something to worry about, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT!!!

[TheFoglifter]

But she HAS given him something to worry about. She is being subjected to people who glorify ideals that cause the OP worry.

 

I agree its entirely possible for her never to be persuaded. I agree that many people have friends who have interests that they themselves would NEVER pursue (drugs, crime, cheating...)

 

We also don't know what point we are at here. If the OP's gf came home one day and said something like "yeah, Cindy just cheated on her boyfriend again... he has no idea" and she had a tone of satisfaction in her voice, that might be something to worry about. If she said "I wish Cindy didn't cheat on her boyfriend, he's so nice to her and he has no idea" then that is a different story.

[ghost69]

i had a friend that would try and cheat on his wife all of the time. i don't associate with him anymore because of it. i flat out told him. he came up with some crap that i thought i was better than him and to not judge him. pffft, not judging, just not associating with that drama in my life.

[fnlyfrei]

It is true...just like we tell our kids...who you hang out with reflects on you. Even if you do not act like your friends..they can influence you greatly. When I met my fiance', then one by one, his friends..I realized what an awesome person he was because he had such wonderful friends. People I hope become my friends as well after we marry. If he had chosen scummy, drug using people with no morals...I might have thought he acted the same way. It is important.

[ghost69]

i'm never disappointed or embarrassed to hang with my friends. i have chosen some good ones to keep around over the years.

 

i think it is called guilty by association.

[SummerGirl38]

I can agree with everyone's guilty by association theory with people we don't know well, but this is his girlfriend.

 

My boyfriends BF is a woman magnet. Do I worry about my boyfriend cheating when they are out together?, NOPE, because I trust his morals

 

I guess we first need to ask how long they have been together.

 

If this has been a long term relationship and his girlfriend has not shown him that she has the same morals that her friends do, then I think his worrying is pointless.

 

This is like assuming every man is a Cleveland Browns Fan because he hangs around with Cleveland Browns fans, and every woman can't cook because her friends can't cook.

 

It isn't until you truly know a person that you can form this type of opinion and even sometimes when you do know them well, things happen.

 

Furthermore, "JUST MY OPINION HERE", I don't think there is a person in this world that is in a relationship that does not stand the chance to be cheated on by their SO. Our world is filled with temptation, this is what God gave us eyes for in my book, but that sure doesn't mean I would hurt the one I love because some cute guy waves his wad of cash at me either.

 

Love comes and goes and you never know what will happen. Sure I "HOPE" my boyfriend and I are together forever, but ya never know.

 

Again, just my opinion, but I refuse to spend my life worrying about "what if" thinking. If it is going to happen, it will, until it does, I'm going to have a smile on my face.

 

I think he needs to come right out and express his worry about her friends and ask her opinion on it before he "assumes" anything, that's all.

[ghost69]

i think being a chick magnet and being a known cheater is completely different.

[Hayles]

We are attracted to certain people for different reasons... before we all settled down to raise families etc. there was ahuge group of us girls that used to go out every weekend to dance up a storm. One of my friends had several casual flings in the balance at one time, one had a bf and was sleeping with his best mate, one used to pick up different guys every weekend, one used to flir her pants off and come off a whole lot more

'outgoing" than the rest and yet never had a one-night stand...

I myself have never had a one night stand though I have spent many a night collecting friends from strange men's homes once the deed was done...

 

So, they have all slept with a lot of men, but it's not that part of them that defines our friendships... not at all - it's that they are weet and kind and they have always been there for me, they are fun, we each share some similar interests and all connect on different levels - each attracted to a different part of eachother than the next...

 

I don't think you can always assume that just because someone hangs out with a tart, she will be one...

[ghost69]

you aren't understanding what i said. i said i would never put myself in this situation knowing all of this information. i don't hang out with shady people.