Wife pushing me to another woman

[GoodManWasted]

20 yrs of marriage and it is not well. We have had our problems but I never even close to what it is like now. My wife has moved emotionally distant from me and this has made every day living with her painful. Before we would have sex, make-up, and move forward, civil and fairly happy again. Now she is 50 and she says she has no sex drive, now we have nothing. She has talked of divorce and we have been seeing a counselor, i think he is doing a good job, but is it really helping? I am not sure and I don't think so. She is still 95% cold as ice to me. Part of me says, that she would be happy if I found another woman right now, that would give us an excuse to divorce, because she knows I want to save our marriage and do the right thing, and if I found and was caught with a girlfriend, she would be the self-righteous one instead of the homewrecker that I hint she would be for leaving me.

 

I don't want a girlfriend, I want my wife to be my girlfriend, but I can see how an affair occurs in a loveless marriage, I feel I have the capability and the need to love someone and it isn't happening here. I know I will never be truly fulfilled with this woman and I know there is someone out there that can be more to me, but I am willing to tough out what i have, but how can I with this cold fish treatment? There are woman around...

[melrich]

Don't put the cart before the horse. Do what work you need to on your marriage. If it is or becomes unresolvable, end it, then start looking for a new partner.

 

Doing things the other way around will likely only bring you misery in the long run.

[Dako]

She wouldn't be the first menopausal woman to lose interest.

I'd steer clear of other women until your marriage is resolved in some way.

[AwdreeHpburn]

Goodman - Welcome to ENA!

 

I agree with all the oothers thus far - it really could be all chemical and hormonal. Women experience all kinds of things at that age due to menopause. It can get a lot more rough before it gets better.

 

I say try to tough it out. At least until you're both SURE its over. Are you planning to stick with the counseling for a bit longer?

[GoodManWasted]

Nothing? You seriously had nothing before but sex?

Have you asked her if she wants a divorce?

 

you are perceptive!

sure we have lots, deep love, no, never. but we have created a life and a family together, if everyone did not have deep love after 20yrs got divorced, i think the divorce rate would be 70-80%, not 50%.

Does she want a divorce? when things very rough 1-2 months ago, she frequently discussed moving out with the kids, she told me she was with a realtor looking for houses.

Sad thing is I like my wife, deep love no, total respect no, but everyday is painful with her, esp the weekends and we have another one coming up. she is going through a depression, while I am happy and fulfilled in my life, except for my marriage...and that is something I just don't know how to change, because i don't know how to change how she feels.

 

I am not the philandering type, I am the faithful type and my wife has been a very good sex partner for many years. but she is pushing me, I am craving more, I have met someone else and have taken baby steps in that direction and I have received positive feedback to continue.

 

I am continuing the counseling, but my wife's perception of life is so negative, I can't show her how to live, I watch her make mistakes and I see her thought pattern and I understand why she is unhappy, her way is not working, but she thinks that is the right way. I honestly do feel at times she is subconsciously pushing me to the arms of another woman, she knows i will break eventually..

[GoodManWasted]

>divorce

oh yes, she has "talked" of divorce, because she knows that is not my style and she enjoys watching me suffer, partly because she knows it will be difficult to bear the financial consequences of a divorce. Right now she thinks we just split 50/50 and she know that will be difficult for me even though we are affluent. ha ha ha. She doesn't know yet it will probably be more like 60/40 if i am lucky then Alimony(20-30%) of my income for the next 10 yrs, plus healthcare etc. luckily the kids are just about out of the financial picture. if we get divorced this is such a terrible waste, it is EVIL personified.

[CarnelianButterfly]

Why would you continue to a loveless marriage? Why prolong both of your misery?

 

If you sleep with another woman, that will only make you a cheater and fix nothing. Focus on either saving your marriage or getting a divorce. If your partnership was based on sex, then its over.

 

Menopausal women have little interest in sex because their body is not longer viable for reproduction, so things shut down. The estrogen that drives women's sexual desire disappears, leaving them with no interest.

[AwdreeHpburn]

. I honestly do feel at times she is subconsciously pushing me to the arms of another woman, she knows i will break eventually..

 

Not to be rude or anything but...

 

L A M E

 

That sounds like the set up to a good future excuse.

 

No one can "push" anyone else to do anything. If you want to flee to the arms of another woman, than do it. End your current relationship first of course, but do what you need to. Just don't make excuses.

 

Call it like it really is.

[isisastaria]

AwdreeHpburn: I agree 100%. I don't think I could have said it any better. Trust me... a divorce with much less money, no house, no time with your kids, and a headache of a time with a very expensive attorney is no comparison to dealing with your marriage. Marriages go through lots of ups and downs. All that loss IS NOT worth a roll under the covers with some random woman.

[GoodManWasted]

this is a stupid thread anyway, my stupidity and wanting to see myself think, there is nothing, I mean NOTHING, I can do about this woman, she has been torturing me for years and years, I stay with her because I like my life, my homestead, I like being with my family. and that is so important, i can hear my teenage kids now, i like that sound, i put up with so much to hear that sound of there activity. i know that divorce will be hell, i wil loose the financial prosperity i have, i will go through hell with attorneys and she of course will love to have the chance to flower her hatred. she will have a reason to live and to be, instead of finding that meaning now, in front of her, divorce will give her a fight she can fight. i am proud of what i have become as an adult human being, my efforts have born fruit, and i have so many times said I am so sorry for any part i may have played in what my wife has become. there have been countless times i have observed and seen the outcome of her path and thought, told you so, never said it, but she can read my mind after so many years(dont' even need a facial expression). yes, dad was right when he said life balances out, obviously i can't have it all!

[AwdreeHpburn]

Goodman - This is NOT a stupid thread. You're not stupid. You're in pain and confused.

 

There is no shame in a marriage that no longer works. Its not a failure. Its a direction. A different direction than you've been heading, but a direction none-the-less.

 

You will still be able to enjoy your children and they will still be able to enjoy you. Maybe a better, happier you even.

 

I'm not one for saying, "get divorced" but if the marriage is over, if your miserable and so is your wife....maybe its time.

 

I still say stick with the therapy - ride it out a bit longer but don't look at the issue of the end of the relationship as a shameful failure.

[DN]

If this has been going on for years then menopause is not the culprit. And menopause is not an excuse to treat a partner badly anyway.

 

Do you think she loves you? If not - did she ever love you? And if she did - then when did that change and why?

[Rabican]

Dont have an affair... and if you do... dont... but if you do, dont get caught. Your wife will go from being the cold as ice, emotionally checked out housewife to the poor, poor cheated and heartbroken wife. Guess what thats gonna mean when she files for divorce! Bingo.. your wallet gets killed.

 

my advice, just flat out tell her that you arent happy with the way things are. Tell her either things start to change, or you are going to have to get a divorce. Do you really want to spend the next 30 years with the ice woman?

[BeStrongBeHappy]

i think people on this thread are making some incorrect generalizations about menopause, saying women are destined to become asexual, which is NOT necessarily the case, and one of the myths about menopause... many women become MORE sexual because as the balance between estrogen, progesterone, and testosterone changes, testosterone predominates and their sex drives can increase!

 

it really sounds to me like your wife may be clinically depressed, which can cause a plummeting of sexual desire at any age... and if she does have a hormonal or chemical imbalance, whether it is brain chemistry problems or hormonal problems, that can be treated...

 

Many women who do lose their sex drive during menopause can be given very tiny doses of testosterone and return to a very rewarding sex life... (i.e., they don't have to be given more risky estrogen/progesterone therapy, if their main symptom is lack of sexual desire).

 

but it sounds to me like there are more problems going on in your marriage than just HER lack of interest in sex, and you are trying to rationalize having an affair by blaming the need for an affair on your wife. and she may have lost interest in sex because she is no longer interested in your marriage, so better to deal with that issue directly rather than try to blame your potential affair on her lack of sex drive...

 

i think the solution here is marriage counseling, and if your wife is depressed and has lost her sexual desire, help her realize that and get medical treatment and/or therapy... you having an affair addresses issues with YOUR own sexuality, but certainly doesn't help her, or return your marital sex life to normal, just lays the groundwork for a lot of bitterness. please don't cast this as 'doing her a favor', which you seem to be doing. let's be honest, you want to do YOU a favor and have sex with other women.

 

btw, if you commit adultery, and have been married 20 years or more and your wife is 50, you might well pay alimony for life, and may will lose half your other pension benefits, 401Ks etc. i have seen that happen to many men who decide to have a mid-life affair and dump their middle aged wives, and they are shocked that it is not a 10 year financial commitment to take care of their ex-wife as you suggest, but a lifetime one... so please consult a lawyer before you decide how much money you will end up with. it may be a nasty surprize for you, especially if she has grounds for adultery.

 

and don't discount how angry your adult children will be at you if you are caught in an affair... you might lose their respect, and that loss of respect can last a lifetime too...

 

but i think you have already made up your mind to have an affair and end your marriage BECAUSE you have met someone else as you admit, but please don't rationalize it as acceptable just because your wife is depressed for whatever reason.

 

if you don't want to be married to her, then admit that openly to her, and take your lumps and deal with the divorce honorably and above board. but if you do want to stay married, then quit taking 'baby steps' in another woman's direction, and continue the marriage counseling, and find another counselor if this one isn't helping.

[GoodManWasted]

what's love? do we really need love? Indians get marriage by arranged and I have been told their divorce rate is less than ours, what about Asians, similiar boat. I believe that two people should make a committtment to each other, that is marriage, and that committment is strengthened by the responsibility of children, that is why i have never strayed. Yes, she has "loved me", but now her love is Gone because I have stood up for myself in decisions regarding our children. So her love is gone. Well, what kind of love was that to start. Her children are growing, she has lost her reasons for being, she is becoming an empty shell, menopause has dampened her sex drive, but instead of reaching out and finding ways to improve her condition, she is giving up, and of course, blaming me for it all. for her condition. and thinking it is our lousey marriage that is responsible for her unhappiness. I give her a very long leash, she has her freedom to do, spend and be whatever she wants. another long, dull weekend to look forward to, nothing in my power to make it better. no love of travel, no love of possession and very little appreciation of simple pleasures, like natural beauty, good music, etc., instead she reads story books and watches idiotic tv shows, then wonders why she is not fulfilled?

[Kalika]

instead of reaching out and finding ways to improve her condition, she is giving up, and of course, blaming me for it all. for her condition. and thinking it is our lousey marriage that is responsible for her unhappiness. I give her a very long leash, she has her freedom to do, spend and be whatever she wants. another long, dull weekend to look forward to, nothing in my power to make it better. no love of travel, no love of possession and very little appreciation of simple pleasures, like natural beauty, good music, etc., instead she reads story books and watches idiotic tv shows, then wonders why she is not fulfilled?

 

You seem to have so much disdain for her.. But honestly, you're doing everything you just mentioned above. You seem to blame your lousy marriage completely on her. Her depression, lack of sex drive, her blaming you, pushing you into the arms of another woman, her stupid story books and tv shows.

 

Seriously, you need to take a look at what you could have possibly done to deserve this. There are always two sides to the story. I seriously doubt that you asserting yourself properly in the relationship (about your kids) would make her retract from you so much.

[ImThatGirl]

One phrase.

 

The grass is not always greener on the other side.

[texami]

sorry about what you are going through. but, you sound very very angry, and you are looking for a convienient excuse to justify wanting to be with another woman.

 

if you are the one who is so fulfilled, successful, etc... don't ruin your life or your reputation by cheating. no matter how bad you percieve her treatment, you will forever go down as the one who cheated. others have stated this fact, too.

 

get out of your marriage if that is what must be, but don't cheat. i saw my inlaws go through this... she had her problems, and i wouldn't have blamed him for wanting a divorce, but he cheated. now he is the one on the outside of the family and he is the one growing old without knowing his grandchildren because what he did was cowardly and we lost all respect.

 

just don't let your anger and frustration make it ok for you to do something that will mar your character forever.

[GoodManWasted]

You seem to blame your lousy marriage completely on her. ....Seriously, you need to take a look at what you could have possibly done to deserve this.

i do blame her for my lousy marriage, completely and totally because day after day it is a game for her to boobytrap and sabotague my marriage, she is cunning and cruel. She lies in wait looking for opportunities to cause drama and find fault. She is this way with others, while I look for ways to forgive others. She is an "I gotha" person, instead of a forgiving person that you need to be to live your own path in this life, to thine own self be true. Day after day I have analyzed this and asked God for forgiveness in whatever part I played in what she has become. For so many years I put up with this despicable behavior, but now that her sex drive is going, there is no making up and she is quite content to be a malcontent day after day. probably the day this is over, even with the finances and the legal proceedings and the kid troubles, will be a very happy day for me - I'll be Free.

[Dako]

From your last post, I'd have to agree somewhat. Not that she's totally at fault, but to see her as a cunning adversary sabatoging your life, you must be miserable with her.

 

Even less affluent people can get divorced and live well.

Surely, you can.

[texami]

agreed, Dako.

 

you seem to hold a picture of her after years of this relationship that doesn't seem like it will change. you've got to face facts and move on if you are this unhappy.

[Kalika]

And you were sticking around just for the sex..???? I mean, correct me if I'm wrong, but she can be miserable all she wants. What YOU do is completely up to you. If you'll be so happy when you're done with her, then seriousy, get started on those divorce papers. After all the bad things you've said about her, I'm surprised you're even bothering to try to work things out with her.

[GoodManWasted]

I'm surprised you're even bothering to try to work things out with her.

KIDS and responsibility, plus she has the "ability" to give me a pretty good tumble when she wants to. Oh, she just came down the stairs, nasty and mean already to start my day. I'm a GoodManWasted

[BeStrongBeHappy]

In which case you are choosing to waste your own life by staying in a situation that sounds horrible for both of you...

 

it really sounds like you want to scratch your mad spot over her being who she is... sometimes people get caught up in all the drama of a bad marriage and want to 'win' or prove they are right and the other person if horrible, rather than doing what it takes to fix the marriage, or leave and build a life where they could be happier.

 

you can leave for any reason you want to, whether she is horrible, nice, or anything in between. or stay because no matter how much drama there is, you'd rather have the drama than take the consequences of a divorce.

 

really, i think what is happening is your name should be ManChoosingToStayWithSomeoneHeDoesn'tLike rather than GoodManWasted.

 

Nobody wastes their own life but themselves, so please try to decide what you need to do about the situation, rather than being bitter and wasting your life continuing on unhappily, the same way forever.

[Kalika]

Nobody wastes their own life but themselves

 

100% agree.. this isn't her fault. At least this much, you need to own up to.

 

KIDS and responsibility...

 

Yes, you do have a responsibility towards your kids, and that involves nurturing them in a safe and healthy environment. Which it doesn't sound like you're doing..

 

I'm not trying to blame you or anything, but realistically, you can't just sit there and stay, and blame, blame, blame. You have to work at it, if you want it to work. Stop talking to this other woman, and start figuring out how to make it work. Or else, end the relationship. Surely your kids can sense the hostility towards you and your wife. Seriously, what benefits do you think they're getting out of living with both of you in misery?