I'm non-communicative

[KimNYC]

My BF and I are having a lot of problems because he thinks I don't communicate enough with him. He thinks I am too standoffish and doesn't understand what is going on in my head.

 

I have never been much of a speaker. I mostly listen. My friends come to me because I'm a good listener. He has a lot of friends that he talks to and from the sounds of the conversations, they are mostly " {Mod Edit}" sessions or gossiping. I'm just not into that. I told him I would try harder to talk more, but I am having a hard time doing it. I just find BS talk very boring. Now he is thinking I have had problems in my past that makes me this way (ie. abuse) which is BS.

 

I am beginning to think maybe we are too incompatible. If he really thinks my lack of conversation disturbing, maybe we have a serious problem...

[ghost69]

it depends what you are bsing about. if it is all complaint talk about work, friends, behind the back of someone, etc. that is a gossip crew. i don't hang with people like that. they are too much into drama for my taste. maybe you need a guy that likes to talk about something you are interested in or real life things.

[Daligal83]

Maybe you guys need to try doing new activities that include talking. So that way he feels that you're communicating and you don't feel like you're talking for no reason. You could take a class together, join a book club, start a new hobby together. Give yourselves something to talk about.

[KimNYC]

That sounds like a good idea! But I am not sure that's the kind of talking he wants to do. Like I said in my first thread, he likes to talk to his friends (mostly women or guys like him) who seem to always have drama or problems or who are unhappy with their lives. I am not like that. Yes, there are things that could be improved ( including my BF), but why harp on them???Life is way too short.

I just sent him an email saying that he needs to decide if he can accept me for me. We've been together for over a year, and for us to be arguing about crap like this is really stressing me out. There are things that I am not thrilled that he does, but I have learned to accept them, mainly because he will not change, and if somehow he did he would be miserable and blame me for being too controlling...

[BetterKarma]

My brother recently broke up with a girl just like that. She was very quiet and even when she did speak up it wasn't of much substance. He eventually had to break up with her.

 

I think what your boyfriend is probably looking for is some insight into your mind. For instance, a hobby or maybe something you are truly passionate about. Something to talk to you about and share with each other.

[Daligal83]

First, I'd suggest having a conversation like that in person, or if you can't do that then over the phone. It's too important to do through email.

 

I don't think that just because he's friends with people who gossip that he wants you to gossip. I think he just wants to know you and your thoughts. Telling him what happened in your day, interactions you had with people, things that you were excited about or mad about...those will bring you closer. I'm guessing that's the kind of communication he's wanting. I don't see that as gossip...but I'm also a very talkative person. Do you think you could do things like that?

[astaro]

he likes to talk to his friends (mostly women or guys like him) who seem to always have drama or problems or who are unhappy with their lives. I am not like that. Yes, there are things that could be improved ( including my BF), but why harp on them???Life is way too short.

 

i can really relate to you on this and am totaly on your side, i hate pointless conversations, they bore me to no end. i would much rather just cuddle on the couch with my SO then have a pointless conversation just to fill in the dead time. i remember listening to her talk and wondering to myself if it is ever going to end, i started zoning out while she was talking (and it never really mattered)

 

as long as you talk about your feelings and are open and honest with him you shouldnt be forced to converce about subjects that dont intrest you.

 

I think the question you should be asking your self right now is does HE intrest you. as a person, do you have a lot in common? do you have good conversations with him on a regular basis? or are these kinds of conversations a pretty constant thing?

 

you two might not be compatible, i think thats something you should consider. you strike me as very frustrated.

[ghost69]

don't you have any friends you can go out with and make him sit there?

[KimNYC]

LOL!! I do have friends to go out with. Which I do and he thinks I talk my a** off with them and not him...which is not the case because most times I am listening to them.

 

It is getting frustrating...I don't want to feel like I have to come up with things to talk about with him... that's not realistic. As for wanting to know what's in my mind... I feel like telling him " Nothing is in my mind...I'm a total blank at this point" LOL!!!

[QuestSanity]

Maybe you have hit upon the answer yourself- you guys are just

not compatible. For a view from the other side, I had a gf once who

never liked to talk and liked to listen to other people talk.

 

This became annoying for two reasons.

 

For one, it was fustrating because I never got a good handle

on who she was. What were her dreams, her goals, her likes, her

dislikes, her views on various subjects? All blank. If you had asked me

who she voted for or what her favorite color was, I couldn't

have told you. (No, it wasn't a case of the typical guy thing

where she had told me and I forgot- I asked her the color

question several times and her answer was "Oh, I dont know- what's

your favorite color?"). Yes, I know there are other ways of figuring

out who a person is other than listening to them, but I wasn't

intuitive enough to figure them out. Unlike your bf, I didn't think

her non communicative style was due to abuse from her past,

but I did begin to suspect that it was because she didn't

trust me or something. Maybe she didn't- I wouldn't know- she

never told me.

 

She also said she preferred to listen to other people but she would

make similar comments you did- that when she listened to me

talk to my friends that most of what we talked about seemed

childish, or gossip to her ears, or she would

laugh or express incredulity at the reasons I would come

up with why I could never get her to talk about herself.

 

The thing I couldn't understand, at first, was if all this stuff

was such bs, why did she so seem to like listening to people talk to

her? She could have just stopped listening to people reveal their

personal stuff to her and gone about her business in complete silence.

But instead, she liked listening to me, or her friends blather away

to her, revealing to most personal stuff about themselves to her, but we

never got the same treatment in return. She would usually claim that she

didn't ask people to share their personal stuff with her, but if they

did, she didn't feel obligated to reciprocate.

 

That always seemed kinda weird to me and it eventually led to the

second reason dealing with a non communicative person is annoying.

Whenever we got into arguments many of the things I had told her,

(that she liked to listen to) or she had heard me talk about with

my friends, were constantly brought up and used to make points

because she eventually knew all this personal stuff about me, but I knew so

little about her. I eventually began to suspect that her liking to listen to

people had nothing to do with being a good listener- it was just a passive

aggressive way she used to feel superior to other people, because

she could believe that she had more information about them than

they had on her- which she could then use to judge them and

their actions, but nobody could ever do the same to her- which I

came to realize is a very powerful but dysfunctional weapon. Im not

saying that is the case with you at all, but when you share

a lot of yourself with somebody else, and they dont do the same

back to you, then things can get a little lopsided and suspicions

begin to abound.

 

I eventually started being more like her and not telling her my

personal business, which I hated, (I mean, if you cant gripe about

your crappy boss to your gf, who are you going to gripe to?) and the

lines of communication became thinner and we just drifted apart. Now,

when I look back on it, I think it was more a case of just being different

people, with different communication styles.

 

Since then Ive usually been with women who are the opposite. They

constantly want to tell me what's going on in their life and what

they are thinking and what they are feeling all the time- almost to a fault.

 

But I prefer it that way because when they do share that stuff with me, it makes

me think that they trust me and that they want me to know

what's going on in their lives. And I can tell them my stuff too, without

feeling its an interview or a confession and not a conversation.

[KimNYC]

I think you hit it on the nail. On our commute home we had a long discussion and I realized I had it wrong...He wanted what you want. I always thought he wanted more deep conversation, but all he really wants is small talk in a sense. Nothing too heavy. I fgured I can do that. But unlike his friends, I won't be able to do it non-stop...it's not my style and I think he understands this.

 

The thing that bothers me with him ( and you from the sounds of it) is that you actually believe there is a conspiracy against you if you don't have what I call a "Yapper" running their mouths constantly. Like I am ( or your GF) hiding something or going to ever use the information I have against him. That must be a hell of a way to live. If you ask me that is an Issue that needs addressing.

[studbaker99]

"That always seemed kinda weird to me and it eventually led to the

second reason dealing with a non communicative person is annoying.

Whenever we got into arguments many of the things I had told her,

(that she liked to listen to) or she had heard me talk about with

my friends, were constantly brought up and used to make points

because she eventually knew all this personal stuff about me, but I knew so

little about her. I eventually began to suspect that her liking to listen to

people had nothing to do with being a good listener- it was just a passive

aggressive way she used to feel superior to other people, because

she could believe that she had more information about them than

they had on her- which she could then use to judge them and

their actions, but nobody could ever do the same to her- which I

came to realize is a very powerful but dysfunctional weapon. Im not

saying that is the case with you at all, but when you share

a lot of yourself with somebody else, and they dont do the same

back to you, then things can get a little lopsided and suspicions

begin to abound."

 

HAHAH.This hit the nail in the head. I am to a T this person. (and is your ex gf single? ) I've always considered myself the 'good listener' and I prefer much more to ask questions and let other people talk than to have me talk. I don't really have much in terms of opinions, mostly because there's always more than one side to any one subject and I tend to view both sides of the equation. But the reality is also, it makes me for a boring person. I know of myself I lack that 'passion' that drives interesting people. I've tried to balance this out by volunteering information on my own, but it still feels weird. Mostly because I WANT people to know who I am, but somehow I often fail at that, through some mysterious way I come off or communicate, people just aren't naturally inclined to be asking me questions. I'm cursed with wanting what I cannot have, and having what I do not want.

 

Anyway, KimNYC, I don't think he's totally off, as I am proof of it. Ultimately, I think maybe a no-small-talk person would probably match better with someone with equal tendencies.

[QuestSanity]

"The thing that bothers me with him ( and you from the sounds of it) is

that you actually believe there is a conspiracy against you if you don't have what I call a "Yapper" running their mouths constantly. Like I am ( or your

GF) hiding something or going to ever use the information I have against

him. That must be a hell of a way to live. If you ask me that is an Issue

that needs addressing."

 

Maybe its more of a difference in how much talk is considered "normal"

by people. I doubt your bf considers his level of talk as "Yapping" or

"running their mouths constantly". He probably considers what he does

as normal and you guys just have a difference of opinion about that.

My parner now is a lot more talkative than I am, but I dont consider

her a yapper. She just likes to talk to me and she also likes to hear

about whats going on with me too. When I tell her stuff about

my job, for example, it often cracks her up laughing- and I like

making her laugh. And the stories she tells me about her job I also

consider hilarious- its like listening to a daily episode of

Seinfeld. Even when we are venting to each other, it feels good. I think

our relationship would be a lot more stunted if we didn't share things

with each other. Talking with each other is part of how we experience

our relationship.

 

As for the conspiracy thing, well in my case with my former gf

it wasn't so much a conspiracy as more of a reality- because, as I

mentioned, the most annoying thing was that the information that I

had told her did constantly come up in arguments. Had I told

her some personal stuff about a break up I once had? Then

I was sure to hear something along the lines of "Well, maybe

X was right about you and that's why she dumped you." Had

I told her something about my family? Often this

would come up later as "Well, you know your family's nuts

dont you? Remember what you told me about Y?"

 

Some of that is normal in a relationship- every couple argues- but

of course in every argument we had she always presented

herself and her past as picture perfect. And because I only

had her white washed sparse version of it, I guess I was just

supposed to believe she was indeed perfect and or something.

She would often say- "Well, I dont like to air my dirty laundry

and as far as you know, I dont have any to air!"

 

This was what eventually turned me off the most. Had she

just listened and not used the information to judge me, then

it wouldn't have been so annoying. But that and the fact that I

usually detected this undercurrent of contempt for the way

I talked with my friends- as if she considered us childish or

stupid for talking the way we talked- eventually drove me away

from her. And I judged her as untrusting and uncommunicative

in return, so I wasn't innocent either, but in the end it finally just

became unworkable. Ive told my current gf tons of the same

stuff, but even when we fight, she never brings it up- she

usually just focuses on the stuff that happened between us.

 

Even if two people have different comminication styles, if they

each respect the others way, then there shouldnt be a problem.

But if they dont, then maybe the best thing to do would be to

seek out partners who are more similar to you. That's how I

addressed the problem- I just found myself another yapper to yap to

[ghost69]

everybody is different. i think this sums it up.