In love with a boy who doesnt want a relationship right now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[omayra]

Well I have an issue right now, well there is this boy that I am really in love with. We went out for sometime, like a year back in 2005 and then we broke up because he said he needed time alone and he also told me later that he was talking to a girl. Then we went out again for like 2 months in 2006. Then we broke up for some stupid stuff, he was really acting different. Anyway then we jut decided to b close friends. we always spoke on the phone. And by the way for like 3 months of what we dated he was in jail for bringing something that he shouldnt to school. He was really stupid and when I found that out I cried, it hurt so bad. But we get alone very well.

 

Well now its like ok we talk on the phone like everyday. Sometimes I call him or hell call me if he sees that i dont call him after a certain time. Well ast night he called me and we were just talking about us and how the past was with us.He was the one who brought that up, hes like" u busy, u know if someone is over there then let me know," i dont know why he said that when no one was really at my house last night. hes like"you dont have any love for me?" wow i was shocked and then he told me that he had love for me and that its still there. Then i asked him, if he thinks there's a chance for us and he like, "I seriously want to be with you, but the things I be doing now its like i don't have time for a girl right now." your going to be like why your not calling me, and i be at work and at school." Thats what he told me then i asked him if he thinks that in the future we can be together and hes like yeah i think so."

 

Ok so to the point now, my question is how do I tell this boy that I want him and that I am really in love with him. That I want to be more then a friend, but he doesnt seem like he wants to commit to a relationship right now, at least thats what he told me. I want to tell him but how do I tell him that I am really in LOVE with him? That I would like to have something more serious with him?

 

Thanks guys for reading this and the advice if any pleeeeaaaaase!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Batya33]

I think you owe it to yourself to stop being in contact with him given your strong feelings. He is telling you how he feels and you need to listen before you get even more attached. Leave your ego aside as to his reasons for not wanting to be in a relationship but believe, 100% that you can't force him to be in a relationship if he is not interested and that the only way he will possibly change his mind down the road is if you give him a chance - of at least a few months! - to miss you and see what it is like not to have you in his life. Tell him that given your different goals and desires, you need to self-protect, take care of yourself and that if he changes his mind he can contact you, if you are interested and available you will agree, but not to contact you until he is sure. At all.

[omayra]

Thanks Batya33, that was good advice but its like he wants to be with me at least thats waht he told me but he doesnt want to aommit to anything. And your right, I cant make him be in a relationship that he doesnt want to be in. I maybe think this because he always call me and like we have very nice conversations. I dont know I LOOOOve him sOOooo much but I think ima do this not call him today and if he does call me today then ill just tell him that he has to decide, i dont know

 

Any more advice guys!!!!! I am like confused right now.

[arwen]

Hey omayra,

 

I think that Batya is right. Someone who states he doesn't want to commit can express two things. Either he is really NOT able to commit because his focus is elsewhere in life, or he simply doesn't want a serious relationship with you. In either case I think he is not into you in that way. I think that mostly, people who expect themselves not to be ready for a relationship, will put aside these thoughts when they meet someone who sweeps them of their feet.

 

Try to turn things around. If you were in a place in life, after a while of being single, and you were full of things as they were, hobbies, study, job... and thinking that a relationship would not be right at that moment. Suppose you would then meet a man that made you think... 'wow, THIS is the one'. Would you then tell him you are not ready for a relationship if he confesses his feelings to you?

 

In other words, do you really want to be with a person who is clearly not willing to commit to you?

 

Take care,

 

Arwen

[shellshocked]

Hey omayra,

 

I think that Batya is right. Someone who states he doesn't want to commit can express two things. Either he is really NOT able to commit because his focus is elsewhere in life, or he simply doesn't want a serious relationship with you.

 

I don't think that things are always so black and white. There could be many other reasons for someone not wanting to commit right now. (ex. past relationship issues, afraid of getting hurt, is afraid of hurting the other person, doesn't think THEY THEMSELVES are good enough, wants to be more financially stable, etc...).

 

I know that "I" have a hard time committing and usually when it happens it has NOTHING to do with me either being too busy or not wanting a relationship with this certain person. It has to do with MY issues and insecurities. (tho i HAVE had times where I wasn't into the other person too).

 

You say when you don't call him, he ends up calling you...

So my advice would be to just back off a bit and give him some space.

Give him a chance to miss you...and see how it goes from there.

[Siriana]

Well:

YOU = are in love with him+want to be with him

HE = calls you as a friend+says he doesn't want to be with you

 

Intensity of feelings YOU>HE

 

What is now counts and what he does instead says counts.

Based on that I wouldn't be his friend because friendship is not what you want.

[omayra]

You say when you don't call him, he ends up calling you...

So my advice would be to just back off a bit and give him some space.

Give him a chance to miss you...and see how it goes from there.

 

Thank you, eveyone is starting to say that maybe i should give him some space and im starting to think thats what i should do thatnk you guys

[omayra]

Well:

YOU = are in love with him+want to be with him

HE = calls you as a friend+says he doesn't want to be with you

 

Intensity of feelings YOU>HE

 

What is now counts and what he does instead says counts.

Based on that I wouldn't be his friend because friendship is not what you want.

 

Ok thanks for your post but he didnt say that he never wanted to be with me, he just said that he doesnt want to be in commited relationship right now, he sai din the future so i dont think thats the same thing that i said when i posted that

[Siriana]

Well I also write WHAT IS NOW COUNTS AND WHAT HE DOES INSTEAD SAYS COUNTS.

 

So you are o.k. with him not wanting to be with you right now and you are willing to wait for his no guarantee "yeah, I think so"?

Is this enough for you?

For how long are you going to wait?

Is there a solid proof he will be with you in the future except his "yeah, I think so"?

[omayra]

Well I also write WHAT IS NOW COUNTS AND WHAT HE DOES INSTEAD SAYS COUNTS.

 

So you are o.k. with him not wanting to be with you right now and you are willing to wait for his no guarantee "yeah, I think so"?

Is this enough for you?

For how long are you going to wait?

Is there a solid proof he will be with you in the future except his "yeah, I think so"?

 

ok well i will wit until i guess he asks me out if that ever happeneds and there is proof that we will be together in the future becasue we have been in contact for like four years. I think that is enough right??don know

[Siriana]

Well you could wait next 4 years.

You don't believe when I say what is now counts and what he does instead says counts? Thats the rule number one in saving your heart.

[shellshocked]

I wouldn't wait around waiting for him to make a move that you're really not sure is ever going to be made.

 

While you're backing off and giving him space, I would go out and do your own thing. Meet other people. Hang out with friends. Date others. Have fun. Don't let him think you're at his beck and call.

When he calls....be busy sometimes. Let him wonder about what you're doing. It's intriguing.

 

When others see that a person has a full, enriching life it makes them so much more attractive to them than if they see (think) you're just sitting around waiting for them...

[omayra]

I wouldn't wait around waiting for him to make a move that you're really not sure is ever going to be made.

 

While you're backing off and giving him space, I would go out and do your own thing. Meet other people. Hang out with friends. Date others. Have fun. Don't let him think you're at his beck and call.

When he calls....be busy sometimes. Let him wonder about what you're doing. It's intriguing.

 

When others see that a person has a full, enriching life it makes them so much more attractive to them than if they see (think) you're just sitting around waiting for them...

 

you know what your post just mad me smile the part where a person would like to see that you have a life and that you are just not sitting around witing for him. That is true. BUt for some reason I still think that I should ask him to be my man again. Oh yeah and when he calls me I just talk to him like if I wasnt doing anything.

 

I just thought of a day when I didnt call him for two days straight he found thtat weird and he was the one calliing me, He was like why i wasnt calling him and i was like ive been busy. That also helps cause when u dont call a boy they will wonder about you and they will end up calling you.

 

The thing is that I just get tempted to call him. What should I do to not call him any more? But thanks again. It has been very good advice

 

 

I think I amjust going to leave it alone for know i hope i can do that.

[omayra]

Well you could wait next 4 years.

You don't believe when I say what is now counts and what he does instead says counts? Thats the rule number one in saving your heart.

 

No no i do believe that and that does make sense. I understand that becasue what he does speak louder then the words you know like you said it counts and thats important to me. He cares about me and I know he love me just doesnt want to commit OMG ARRRRGGGG!!!!!!

[shellshocked]

Your post just made me smile too.......

 

One thing to remember...you telling him your feelings and wants, aren't

going to change his feelings and wants. And may even push him even further away. You need to do things that you "know" cause a positive reaction in him.

(ex: when you don't call, he calls)

 

And i totally understand how hard it is NOT to call...BUH-LIEEEEVE me!!!

But i also know that it gets easier once you're busy and have other things going on in your life.

(But i am SO the wrong person to give out advice on how to do this...lol)

 

Anyway...good luck to you.

And keep us posted on how things go.....

[omayra]

Your post just made me smile too.......

 

One thing to remember...you telling him your feelings and wants, aren't

going to change his feelings and wants. And may even push him even further away. You need to do things that you "know" cause a positive reaction in him.

(ex: when you don't call, he calls)

 

And i totally understand how hard it is NOT to call...BUH-LIEEEEVE me!!!

But i also know that it gets easier once you're busy and have other things going on in your life.

(But i am SO the wrong person to give out advice on how to do this...lol)

 

Anyway...good luck to you.

And keep us posted on how things go.....

 

I have actually noticed this already, when u keep doing other things they will call, and i pronise to keep u posted bye

[anna_k]

All my posts on here have been about this very issue.

 

He likes you but doesn't want to date you. If you don't call him, he calls you wondering why you haven't done so and asking 'are you too busy for me?' Similarly, my guy didn't want a girl to worry about him. He simply did not want to be attached to someone who calls him to ask his location, who he is with or what he was doing....

 

I never had intentions of being this type of girl but some guys are hard to persuade.

 

And like everyone else in this situation, I've been tempted. I don't call but send messages. Usually its because I miss him. Anyway, I've done it all.

 

First I tried to force him into it by giving him an ultimatum 'relationship with sex or strict friendship with no sex?' It never worked. We still had sex but for me it was like 'So this means a relationship' and for him it was like 'We're still just friends.'

 

Then I tried to make him miss me by not contacting him for months. And he eventually called me after 2 months absense. I was suddenly injected with all this hope. Because, why would he still miss me after such a long time if he didn't want a relationship right?

 

WRONG.

 

He just missed me as a friend (and I use the term loosely). As someone to keep him company when he's lonely or cold in bed.

 

I haven't contacted him for about 2 weeks now. This is probably the tenth time we've had a fight.

 

It's the hardest thing but I guess we've got to have faith in the old saying:

"If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, they're yours forever. If they don't come back, you never really had them to start with."