ex is friendly-NC doesn't nec. make sense

[sweetharmony]

I broke up with my ex on Feb. 16th (he was unsure whether or not he saw me long-term). Anyways, we both moved too quickly and didn't evalaute the relationship practically in addition to my relationship sabotaging behavior that pushed him away. But we seriously have a deep connection and friendship, passion. The passion was there (though only 6 mos), the friendship and caring is there, etc...and he truly wants to continue having me in his life.

 

When we broke up, I asked him to leave and hadn't contacted him since. He had to e-mail (b/c i am still renting his apt-he lives elsewhere) and we needed to make arrangments.

 

I know he had been in so much pain when the relationship ended as he had indicated in an e-mail to me requesting friendship. I replied that it was not a good idea, but kepy it rather civil.

 

anyways, since a majority of the issues were mine, sabatgoing, I sent him a closure letter (yes, i know people say not to), but it was simply that, to end things peacefully. He wrote me back a letter with similar feelings and when i didn't respond to that letter, he asked why i hadn't responded. I told him that my closure letter was simply that and that I didn't want to continue discussing this and to end it ona friendly note. he continues to send me e-mails asking me if i need help with my computer, sends me articles of interest, etc... and although i know he doesn't want to get back with me,. he doesn't want me out of his life.

 

I really want to be with him again.

 

as for friendship, while we are both back on the dating sites where we met, i know friendship is difficult, esp. when feelings are so near to surface. but, having him in my life provides a sense of peace, solace, and comfort-he is truly a good person and I ultimately respect him as a person, depsite the fact that he doesn't see me (i messed up).

 

i can't help but feel that getting these sweet e-mails validates me, and shows he cares and i think helps me to move on faster-without anger and the pain i was feeling at first. or am i deluding and numbing myself into thinking he may come back and not truly moving on?

 

yes, maybe I'm trying to hold onto something with a glimpse of hope, hoping that through our good friendship (which seems better than the emotional drama dating) we can ultimately get back together. yes, i suppose I am deluding myself. any thoughts? PS I have been in practically NC, though he e-mails me and I respond (out of politeness and maturity). I'm sorry, but I live in his apt. and I want to be as mature as possible. it is impossible and not the best to ignore him. although he respects limited contact.

[DN]

I think that if you want him back no contact is a mistake.

 

You need to talk to him and find out for sure if he does not want the relationship back. And make sure that he knows that you do because you love him.

[NyGentleman]

I am in a similiar situation right now and am curious being the guy on the other end of this, what made you want him back? The fact that he wants to still be there for you? or the fact that NC worked in a way to rekindle feelings? Me and this girl are in the middle of 1 week of NC after she walked away from a great bond we shared (friendship/closeness/relationship etc.) bc all of a sudden she didnt want to be serious/committed etc...now we have ignored eachother (only had 1 sighting of eachother) but thats what happened....

 

I am pondering stepping up and talking to her, telling her i wanna be her friend again but am afraid of the results of that so i continue NC, but also ponder why she hasnt come back to talk to me yet...

 

All advice points to its way to early (1 weeK) but i miss everything dearly even if she did break my heart, i feel as if there is still something there to get out in the open ...(she thought maybe she lusted for me over all the feelings) ...maybe im wrong here but could use your insight to gain on my part ...

[sweetharmony]

no, the point is that we discussed our relationship over and over again. He told me that he did not see us getting amrried though he cares for me so deeply. You see I tried to constantly sabatoge the relationship and became dramatic and overly emotional. I never not wanted him, I always wanted to be with him...it wasn't a qeustion of deep caring or passion or friendship, it was a question of practicality. He always told me, love is just not enough.

 

we have all the seeming basis for a great relationship-the passion never died b/w either of us, the respect, or friendship, love...it was our incompatibility-he worked too much, i was too needy and emotional, he wants calmness, i was too living in the past and future, he was focused on now. we tried to make it work to no avail. but our friendship and deep caring doesn't end on either side. what do we do?

[lady00]

He told me that he did not see us getting married though he cares for me so deeply.

 

That right there tells me that no matter what this guy has told you, he doesn't want a relationship with you. In his mind there is a block there that will prevent him from having a long-term relationship. Something is telling him you are not the right fit for him. I don't think there's anything more you need to know. Focus on moving on. Keeping in friendly contact is fine, but I would minimize it.

 

If there is even a glimmer of hope for this relationship, it will have to be because he changes his view of you...for some reason your value in his eyes has to go up. Right now he doesn't see you as having long-term potential for him. Being too open and too available to him will reinforce this image because it will make him take you for granted. He won't feel insecure that you might be seeing someone else. I think overall the best idea is to move on. If he realizes it was a mistake, he'll get in touch with you. If you continue to talk to him, keep things light, don't bring up the relationship, and end the conversation after a few minutes. Also, go on dates if the opportunity presents itself or if you meet someone cute. If you're going to light a fire under his butt, so to speak, such that he feels compelled to make a move, he will need to know/wonder about what else you have going on and feel insecure that he might lose you for good. Good luck.