Hooking Up?

[Shannyn]

A little background on me-Okay i just broke up with my BF four months ago. It took me a very long time and ALOT of hard work to get over him....I can now say I'm almost 100% over the ex.

 

Anyway,two weeks ago I met a guy online, we spoke over the phone a few times and by text. The first we spoke we seemed to really have a great connection, he stirred up feelings in me that I hadnt felt since before I met my ex. He said he felt the same things that I "touched a soft spot in him". Anyways,he told me and made it clear from the beginning however as did I that he wasnt ready for a relationship. He'd only just split with his former fiance. He basically told me though he was attracted to me he wasnt looking for anything really further although he said if it happened he wouldnt fight it either. To me that sounds very double minded. I dont think this guy knows what he wants.

 

 

Anyway, he texted me the other night asking me to come over a for a while and that he wanted to cuddle. I'd had a few wines and so had he, so I agreed. If you use your imagination you can guess what happened next.

 

The next day I felt incredibly guilty and empty inside. He hasnt phoned or emailed me in two days. It's really hurt me at this really vulnerable * * * *ty time to have started to mend my broken heart only to have my self esteem trampled all over once again by a guy who claimed to be "touched" by me emotionally.Has anyone been through this male or female and how did you handle it?

 

I just feel so used. I dont know how the guy can treat ppl like this. Its not exactly self esteem boosting especially after Ive just come out of a bad relationship.

[Scotcha]

When guys tell you that they're not looking for a relationship.. It means they will likely end up doing exactly what this guy did. He was up front about it actually..

 

I am sorry but I also don't feel you should let this get you so down. Chalk it up to a learning experience.

 

ps.. It's for the very same reason that you posted that I never sleep with someone unless we are in a committed relationship. I think a lot of people can relate to your experience.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Shannyn, i am sorry to hear this turned out this way... I think when we first break up with someone we are very used to being in a relationship where there is trust and closeness, and miss that terribly and make mistakes in judgment sometimes when meeting new people because we are longing for that closeness.

 

There are lots of people who troll personal ads looking just for sex, as this guy appears to have done, even married people who lie about their status and borrow other people's apartments etc. for quick hookups. So it is hard to tell what this guy was really about, other than wanting to a hookup and nothing else.

 

And you can't ever completely trust the words of a new person that you meet, especially out of context as in personal ads... he could be a huge liar, and experienced players know the right words to say to get a woman to fall into bed with them, like saying 'you touched a soft spot in me...' that's holding out a little enticement for you, offering a bit of the closeness he can probably sense you are missing after a breakup...

 

So he was sending you mixed signals, on the one hand saying he didn't want a relationship, but on the other hand saying things that implied he felt a close emotional intimacy with you... and in retrospect the second statement about 'touching his soft spot' was an exaggeration to try to get you to see him, while afterwards he would just claim the first statement about not wanting a relationship if you objected later to him hooking up and then not even calling you, saying that he already told you he didn't want a relationship. so very convenient for him, a hook to get you involved, then an out clause to justify treating you callously and not even calling later.

 

So i think this falls under the 'lessons learned' category, and don't beat yourself up about it, just recognize that you can't immediately return to the intimacy of a long term boyfriend/girlfriend relationship without incurring a lot of risks and guys who are not 100% sincere in their comments, and in fact should be suspicious of guy's who try to establish that emotional connection and sex too soon.

 

You have to spend time dating for a while laying the groundwork for trust, and getting to really know the person before you give too much of yourself to them and get hurt if they turn out to be callous...

 

and be doubly cautious about people online, becuase it is a given that you don't know their history, and all you know about them is what they present in a few contacts. make sure you have spent a lot of time in non-committal and safe situations with them before you see them alone...

[SexySadie7]

You know what Shanna.. I would just chaulk it up to experience also. I wouldn't beat yourself up.. though I know it's easy to do.. you probably feel a bit duped... misled and confused at this point.

I think he fed you alot of mixed messages myself, and I don't think that was fair...On one hand he says he doesn't want to be in a relationship, but then he tells you all sorts of things to make you feel safe and warm and fuzzy. That he only wanted to "cuddle"... that he wouldn't fight a relationship if he came to it... those are all great lines that he used to make you feel comfortable about getting intimate with him...

But.. geez.. now you don't rate a simple phone call? I wouldn't be labeling this guy as so innocent as Batya suggests. I think it was kinda ruthless of him honestly. And I think that Batya's post was needlessly harsh.. Geez. Batya, why not kick someone when they are down??? Geez.. Loiuse, you are cold-hearted...He was the one messing with her head, not vice versa. But somehow he's the innocent party and did no wrong??? LOL.. give me a break.

Besides.. why does the girl have to drive to see the guy anyway?

Shannya, I know it's hard to find a guy you are comfortable with and attracted to so easily. It's tough too. cuz we all have desires, but we also all have a heart.

The easy part is finding someone to fill our desires (well, sometimes, cuz I'm like you, i'm pretty particular on who floats my boat also), but it's tougher to find that component with the person who is kind to our hearts too.

It's tough being single. I guess that's something that Batya has seem to forgotten, in all her posts of wisdom.

You just don't really know who you are dealing with anymore, even in person. And it's so hard, cuz you get lonely being by yourself...

Dating is a huge crap shoot. Yup, you might meet someone great and wonderful and kind, then again, you might meet someone cold and heartless.

I'm sorry that you met the latter honey. Don't give up... There's another great guy out there for you somewhere.

I do think it's not such a great idea though, for a girl to go see a guy she doesn't really know. I will concur with Batya on that point. Did you agree to go over there after you started drinking? Maybe it's just the way you worded the post....

"nyway, he texted me the other night asking me to come over a for a while and that he wanted to cuddle. I'd had a few wines and so had he, so I agreed."

[elithepi]

If you guys have been talking and stuff and then you two had sex, he should call you......

Apparently there was a small bit of communication established, so he should call. He's a jerk if he doesn't.

But I believe you should get to know someone longer before having sex to avoid jerks be-it male or female..

[Shannyn]

Exactly, he also said to me he "doesnt root and boot girls" (in his words) just before we got together.I just think when youve come out of a relationship especially one that was emotionally abusive in many ways your more vulnerable. It just kinda hit me sideways and it was what I was afraid of happening. Its only just now the healing from the ex is almost fully done. I just wanted a simple phone call to say, hey how you going,is everything okay. He seemed like a genuinly great guy. I think too if I hadn't been drinking I would never have gone over there. But like you guys said its a learning experience.

 

Thanks SexySadie7 and BeStrongBeHappy those were great posts!

[Batya33]

I don't believe he gave you mixed messages at all. He said he did not want to be in a relationship and he said he wanted physical intimacy. I agree if he promised to call you (I did not read that from your first post) he should have kept that promise even if just to say "thanks again for coming over but I don't think we're a match."

 

I did not mean to be harsh, as reflected in my advice to you about how great this was for you to see that you cannot handle casual flings - and that luckily this was just one date and you stayed safe. Also, to wait to get to know someone to see if their actions are consistent with their words.

 

Good luck to you!

[Batya33]

But.. geez.. now you don't rate a simple phone call? I wouldn't be labeling this guy as so innocent as Batya suggests. I think it was kinda ruthless of him honestly. And I think that Batya's post was needlessly harsh.. Geez. Batya, why not kick someone when they are down??? Geez.. Loiuse, you are cold-hearted...He was the one messing with her head, not vice versa. But somehow he's the innocent party and did no wrong??? LOL.. give me a break."

 

You misinterpreted my post -- but I understand that you have a different perspective and believe that if you have no strings attached sex and that is agreed to in advance, they man owes you at least a phone call. I disagree that that expectation is reasonable and disagree that the man should drive to see the woman for a no string attached hook up. She chose to meet him at his house, chose to hook up, knowing that he had been totally honest with what he wanted (a hook up) and what he did not (a relationship).

 

In my world, it is far healthier for me to take responsibility for my own actions whether positive or negative and whether the results are positive or negative. That's the only way I stay true to myself and the only way I learn. I see that you believe that in this context, a man should not believe it when a woman agrees to come to his house and agrees to hook up no strings attached. I find that an unfair burden for the man and I would say the same exact thing if the gender roles were reversed. Seems a bit "convenient" to do something you feel badly about later, but then rationalize that you were the victim of mixed messages. Also pretty unhealthy because that leads to repeating the same behavior which inevitably leads to believing men are jerks rather than taking responsibility for your own actions.

 

Luckily, I've typically been honest with myself about what I can and cannot handle. I too have regretted making out with a stranger because it made me feel icky the next day. The difference is, I didn't let myself blame the man as long as there were no promises made and I chose to "hook up." That in turn helped me learn more about myself - that casual hook ups don't work for me - and allowed me to stay positive about men with the result that I stopped doing those casual flings (or greatly reduced them to rarely and nothing too far as far as intimacy) - and thereforeeee on the whole, I am treated with respect by the men I date and get involved with.

 

So, my advice allows the OP to be honest with herself, to be empowered and to chalk this up to experience and not go down the path of thinking all men are jerks. In my opinion, your advice allows her to see herself as the victim, to mis-direct her anger at the man in question and thereforeeee not to learn for the next time. I think my advice is more productive. Of course we can agree to disagree.

 

Thanks again for sharing - you have a very direct and elegant way of putting your criticisms of me and that is always appreciated!

[keefy1972]

From what I could tell, in his on way, he told you straight up that he just wanted to get laid. I know it's to hard to interpret that when you like someone but from what you said he said, that's exactly what he told you.

 

I agree with Batya 100 percent. He told you where his intentions were and you chose to interpret them or think you could change his mind by giving up the puddy. Don't be upset that it didn't, just chalk it up as a lesson learned.

[Shannyn]

From what I could tell, in his on way, he told you straight up that he just wanted to get laid. I know it's to hard to interpret that when you like someone but from what you said he said, that's exactly what he told you.

 

I agree with Batya 100 percent. He told you where his intentions were and you chose to interpret them or think you could change his mind by giving up the puddy. Don't be upset that it didn't, just chalk it up as a lesson learned.

 

I slept with him because I liked him and like I said he stirred feelings in me I hadnt felt in a long time. I'm a Christian and sex to me is sacred and special so for me to "give it up" as you say meant a whole lot to me.

I have no problem with him not wanting to further pursue it I just expected or would have liked a phone call just to ask how I was or to at least be man enough to say I enjoyed the other night but I don't wish to continue. He knew I wasnt looking for a reationship as well after just coming out of one myself.

[Batya33]

Maybe this is just me, but I find it confusing that if sex is so sacred and special to you that you would have sex with someone you never met in person and who didn't want a relationship, when you didn't want one either. Typically when someone has those standards they do not have sex outside of a committed relationship. Perhaps I am just too narrowminded on the definition of special and sacred - never heard it put that way and I feel the same as you do and know many others who do and never heard about that standard being consistent with hooking up the first time you meet. Is it possible that you are not clear within yourself about your own standards particularly given your recent break up?

[elithepi]

There is nothing wrong with expecting a phone call from someone after having sex if it was not a one-night-stand.

I don't see this as a one-night-stand because there was some communication before hand and what is wrong with expecting communication afterwards.

I'm all about free sex and have had a lot of "flings" but hell, if you're talking to someone and eventually have sex, call the person and say, "hey, thanks for a great evening."

[Batya33]

On the other hand, the "thanks for the fun" without an invitation for another date can be hurtful as in "great -he's doing the polite follow up obligatory call" or "why is he presuming I wanted a call - we said no strings attached."

 

I would feel differently if they had met and spent time in person but all they did was type and talk to each other - and he was very clear about what he wanted and did not want.

 

She can always call him in three weeks and tell him she is "late" if that will suffice for revenge . . .. . just kidding. Sort of.

[Shannyn]

well he sent me an email today. I was quite shocked he did that,never expected it.

 

He basically said he wanted to thank me for the other night it was alot of fun but doesnt think we should do it again because he thinks there was now a wall between us because I hadn't spoken to him either. But then he kind of said he doesnt want us to be strangers and he would be saying hello again....not sure what that meant by that but anyway it kind of made me feel better that he at least showed me the decency to contact me again after eing intimate.

 

It was a bit awkward on my end but it did make me feel like at least theres not something wrong with me. I wont be pursuing it any further... the casual sex thing is definitely not for me. I just could never disasociate (sp) my heart with my head.

[Batya33]

I am glad he contacted you. I think what he said was an excuse though - of course he knows that if he wanted to see you again, he needed to call you, not the other way around - he's just trying to put it on you and keep options open for another evenning. I would cut off contact if I were you - but that's just me.