Help needed for my brother

[Velveteen]

I have just discovered that my brother and his girlfriend of 7 years have broken up. My brother was always like a hero to me. His girl-friend (ex) called me and told me that she felt she had no other choice but to break-up with him.

 

It seems that for the past couple of years he has been suffering from clinical depression and that he's had leant on her heavily for emotional and finacial support. None of his family realised this, he kept a very good pretence up and lied about his work and emotional state. Even though she loves him she couldn't see a future for them but said he is her best friend and that even in the lowest moments she loved being with him. But that she had to do it not only for herself but for him too.

 

Now he is begging for another chance and is truly a mess. He spoke to me last night, its so hard for me to hear my big brother crying that he loves her and that if he didn't have the depression he would have married her by now but that he's lost her. But he is still clinging to the hope that she will take him back.

 

I don't understand why he didn't come to me when he was down, as I have depression also. I would always go to him when I was feeling low and he helped me so much and in truth I doubt I'd be here only for him and yet he felt he couldn't come to me.

 

My main worry is how do I deal with his questions of how he can get her back. From speaking to her I felt that even though she still loves him she is afraid of what her future would be like with him and feels that he has let her down too often. But I don't want to destroy all hope in him because this is all he has left. He hasn't worked in a while, even though he is highly qualified and his friends are not near him, so she really is all he has at the moment.

 

I've already told him that he mustn't continue begging her, he must respect her wishes and that if he gets professional help, gets his life back on track and perhaps move back to where he's most comfortable then perhaps she will begin to see the man she fell in love with again. (She doesn't want to lose contact with him and even suggested that he call up to her once a week to watch tv etc and she would continue to call him).

 

My husband thinks I should ask the Ex-girlfriend directly whether she would give him a second chance. What do you think about this??? I'm not sure how to take what she said to me. Does she just care about him as a friend or do you think she's hoping that he will change??

 

I know that my brothers problem is not only that he lost his girlfriend but is far deeper that this, but this is all he can focus on.

My heart is broken because i love them both so much and they seemed so well suited. And I'm so worried for my brother and his mental state.

 

Any advice or help would be greatly appreciated.

[Wandering_Sword]

Welcome to ENA. Your brother is very lucky to have you in his life As for the ex, did she ask for space? Did she imply that it was temporary?

Eventhough your brother's ex said she still loves him, she still left regardless. That is the plain hard truth. Now without knowing the answers to the two above questions, the only concern now is to deal with your brother's depression. With or without her, he will be depressed so working on that is paramount.

[Velveteen]

Welcome to ENA. Your brother is very lucky to have you in his life As for the ex, did she ask for space? Did she imply that it was temporary?

Eventhough your brother's ex said she still loves him, she still left regardless. That is the plain hard truth. Now without knowing the answers to the two above questions, the only concern now is to deal with your brother's depression. With or without her, he will be depressed so working on that is paramount.

 

He's done so much for me that this is the least I can do, in fact I feel guilty because looking back I can see all the warning signs but I guess I just was too afraid to confront them or him. I feel I've left him down...

 

I asked her if she had ever given any threath to leave before or anything and she said no this was her first time. WHen I did kind of mention was there any hope - she hesitated but said she just couldn't. My feeling is that it was very hard for her to break up with him, and that now she's done it she can't think too much about other options. If you can understand what I'm trying to say.

She hasn't hinted that it's temporary. She's feeling like that's it. But I can't believe it. And my brother definitely can't.

 

I know that the main thing is for my brother to get help. My feeling is that for now it would be ok for him to have the hope of a reconcilliation and on that get help and treatment for himself. And hopefully as he regains strength and confidence that if they don't get back together that he'll be strong enough to deal with it then.

 

In reality I'd love it if they could find themselves together again, and it hurts to think that I may have to decieve him about this, do I have any other choice?

[Wandering_Sword]

From the sounds of it, you may have to do some leg work, but not for the relationship. That's what your brother and the ex have to work on. If they get back together because of you, then its because of you and not them. And since they did nothing to bring it back, it will fall apart again. You and your brother should focus on the depression. If she wants to go then let her go, let her find her own way back. Your brother's well-being and depression management should be independent of his ex. He needs to realize that the depression and victory over it is within him and not tied to her and their relationship.

[shes2smart]

In the long run, I suspect it'd be best if you left the relationship between your brother and his ex alone and let them sort it out for themselves. That relationship is between the two of them...not the two of them and you or the two of them and you and your husband.

 

If you really want to help, I think your focus needs to continue to be getting your brother some professional treatment for his depression. That would mean, at minimum, therapy and for his best shot at getting it under control a combination of therapy and medication.

 

Getting her back is a temporary fix at best. Dealing with his depression puts him in a position where he is better able to cope with his life with or without her.

 

It's like that old saying about giving a man a fish and he eats for a day...but if you teach him to fish, he can continue to feed himself long after the one fish you gave him is gone.

[Kalika]

I think you should sort of sidestep the question at hand.. and just tell your brother that unless and until he gets professional help, there's no reason to ask her for another chance. If he's in treatment and doing better, only then should he consider asking her for another chance if she's still available.