The Moral of the Story

[trooperbsb]

My girlfriend broke up with me last Wednesday and I went no contact from the beginning. I was faced with many of the same comments many members of ENA were faced with; I don't get the butterflies anymore, I don't look forward/enjoy seeing you (aka the relationship has become a chore), this isn't want I want in my life right now. Now keep in mind, we had a 3 1/2 hour "marathon" fight over the phone the night before. When she broke up she had said she had felt this way on and off for the past three months (lack of butterflies) and I shouldn't think the decision was rash.

 

Now over the past few days I have bene trying to piece my relationship and problems into everyone elses but truly all of our situations are unique. She was my first long term relationship and vice versa. We dated for ten months and honestly had a really good time. I graduated in December and began a career as a teacher while she is finishing her degree. She is a chemistry major, extremely hard worker, and in the midst of finishing her senior thesis, an endeavor she began almost three years ago. I should also she can be quite stubborn at times.

 

The fact of the matter is we are at very different points in our lives at the current moment. Did I become needy? Yes I did. Did I loose myself a bit and center on the relationship instead of myself? Sure did. Have I learned from it? You better believe it...and this is only five days out. Do I think that us being apart at the moment is a good thing? I actually do. I need to focus on my career (being a first year teacher is like being married) and she needs to focus on school and decisions for next year. Of course, a few weeks ago these included me, but not anymore. Again though, this goes both ways.

 

I, unlike her, have had my heart broken before, and understand life does and will go on. I am enjoying single life and although I have my ups and downs, I have enjoyed the past few days. What I have come to the conclusion of though is this, what I am right now, is what she originally fell for, not the clingy, needy, boring guy I was last Tuesday. I find it quite interseting how many of us here have feel into those traps. I have passion back in my life for more than just my girlfriend.

 

There is though a interesting difference in maturity of the relationship. Yes, the butterflies did go away, I felt it but never admitted it, because I knew it was going to happen. I had friends who have been in long term relationships and eventually (and perhaps sadly) the originally shine goes away. But my friends, this is a good thing, it means the relationship is growing into something deeper and commited.

 

Other than becoming clingy I tried with all my heart and soul to make the relationship fun and enjoyable. I am one of those nices guys, through and through. Perhaps though I didn't understand her way of loving was different than mine but special nevertheless. I didn't get it. I did fall for Ann and that is why when she walked out my door I said well, I will always love and miss you. Ann might have been the first who ever really got me. Yes, I love my friends dearly and they are like friends but they do not want to make me be a better person. Ann, especially now, makes me want to walk into my classroom everyday and be the best teacher I can be. I teach Somali refugees who have come to the United States seeking education, healthcare, and protection. I want to go out running in the morning to clear my head and enjoy the sunrise.

 

I miss her but when she left she said she needed time and space. I went NC not out of spite or anger, or hopes she would come back (maybe originally) but because I love her and respect what she needed. She said during the break up I loved having someone, not her. That was what hurt the most. If I didn't love her, I wouldn't have respected her wishes. I am not angry, I could never be completely angry at her. I know what I had was love and love is like soap, hold it in the palm of your hand and it will sit, clutch it in your first and it will be gone, perhaps forever. If nothing else makes me happy (which their are certainly many things) what I am happy about is I left with dignity, class, and most of all love. I know we all are here to support one another and have hope and that is extraordinary. The fact of the matter is though, is what you had was love, true love, the types we wish for on stars, it will come back. What I miss most about Ann is her friendship because that is what love truly is, the perfect friendship.

 

My students know about her, have seen pictures, and were asking about her today. I was honest and told them what happened and they were honestly compassionate and felt for my situation. They offered to write letters to her saying how much I missed her. These are students who have difficulty writing for their English is moderate at best. Maybe not today, or tomorrow, or next week, but eventually I think I will have my students write letters (it is actually a really good writing excercise). Am I trying to win her back, perhaps, but as I said, if I were trying to win her back I would have them write these letters tomorrow, not a month or two from now. It isn't about winning her back anymore. It is about letting her know that yes, I did love you, and my life was that much better when you were in it. My calmness over the past week has proven to me that yes, I did love Ann, with all my heart. Anyway, thanks for reading this. I know many of you have questions concerning NC but the fact of the matter is, if you really love the person you lost, and it was mutual, they will come back. My head is incredibly clear right now and if nothing else, I am a stronger and better person. That itself is a hell of a gift. If the love of your life does return, well my friend, you just won the lotto.

[isidore]

"I left with dignity, class, and most of all love."

 

 

When someone else decides they want space or they want out completely, this is the greatest and best thing you can do. It will not get them back, but it will prevent your own opinion of yourself from flying out the door as well. You seem like a very level-headed person. Anything I could tell you would needs must be superfluous. I'm happy you're maintaining such a calm perspective. Continued even sailing to you.

[HyruleGuardian]

This is a great post. I think you hit pretty much everything on the head.

 

It's tough moving on, but eventually it hits you that they aren't there anymore and there's no reason to think about what you can't have. If they come back, then great. If not, then you're moving on and living for yourself now.

[mariab.]

thanks for an amazing post-it is good to know there are people like you out there, and I mean w/ everything that you are doing. Best of luck to you and if she does not come back, you seem to be too great of a person to not have someone realize what a gem you are.

[trooperbsb]

Thank you everyone for your very kind words. I had a rather interesting occurrence happen when I got home from work. Sorting through the mail I found a card sent from my ex's sister. In the card she thanked me for making Ann as happy as I did, for she had not seen her sister so happy or confident in many years. She said I had brought a great deal of joy not only to Ann but to her entire family. I was extremely touched for it was the nicest gestures anyone has ever made towards me. I do not of course take this as a sign of anything more than her sister and family appreciating me. I made mistakes in the relationship, without a doubt. No one, sister, brother, mother, can make the relationship come back together except for Ann. Nice to know though I have some allies!