amazing woman wrong relationship?

[tybiggs]

The girl i am seeing right now (almost 1yr) has everything i could ask for in a partner. She is caring, kind, fun to be around, a professional, beautiful and i love her to death. The problem is, there doesnt seem to be much of a spark anymore. She doesnt seem to think it is that big of a deal but to me it is extemely import.

 

I know what i want in a relationship and things i do not. I know what I can live with and what I can't. She has that zest for life but it never seems to be the same towards me. Sex happens once or twice a week where as it was every day sometimes a couple times a day just a few months ago. (she went on the pill and she said it killed her sex drive for a week and a bit every month so we switched back to condoms). It gets to be bed time (i dislike night time being the only time we have sex) and some days she is up for it (not jumping at the bit), others she wears fleece pj's to bed and basically goes...yawn, i am so tired. we lay there for a few minutes, me usually rubbing her back or stroking her hair and then she says good night, gives me a kiss and goes to bed. I'm left thinking...if she likes where the relationship is and this is happening after less than a year, what will it be like in 5 years...10?

 

we've talked about it on numerous occasions, our wants/needs/what is and isnt working in the relationship and things always seem to get better after these talks. It lasts for a couple of days then things go back to the same way and i get frusturated again. Even when we kiss it doesnt seem like there is much effort.

 

She loves me and thinks our relationship is much stronger than this (I am and have been her rock for many things...as i should be) but this repetitive cycle is wearing me out and making me frusturated.

 

I love this girl and want it to work but i think we need some outside help.

suggestions

[friscodj]

Welcome to ENA tybiggs! Great to have you here...

 

Your situation is not without hope by any means. There seems to be a good, healthy basis there, a great basis actually, and that is important here.

 

What you said about becoming frustrated is absolutely key to this. This is the means by which the all-too-common visceral separation takes place leading to a break-up. You are very wise to identify your issues and desire to work on them now before this process starts happening. A lot of people just think the relationship isn't working, hope things get better, make some effort, then eventually break up.

 

I think a lot of what you said here are normal indications of the natural progression of a relationship from one of newness, i.e., the proverbial honeymoon phase, to the testing phase, to the acceptance phase. It is likely that she has moved a little faster than you into a more "support type" relationship while you still desire more heat, passion, and excitement.

 

My suggestion to you as a starting point for dealing with this, is to not only ask yourself but envision your life without her. Imagine it, imagine not having all the great qualities you described above in a partner, and imagine her finding love and fulfillment with someone else. Think about this whenever you start getting frustrated. Train yourself to appreciate what you have vs. what you don't have in this way.

 

Also, let go of your attachment to sex. This seems to be the main source of the trouble here. Maybe you feel rejected and that she is distancing herself with her behavior here? Focus on your relationship beyond the physical aspects. Physical intimacy is an important part of an intimate relationship and it is here, just not as much as you would like it sounds. Maybe try to let go of this desire a bit. Perhaps masturbating more might help relieve some tension and resulting frustration? Perhaps focus more on your life, your interests, your passions, away from the relationship. A little distance like this might help balance your perspective on this situation.

 

So give these things a try and if they don't work for you, perhaps visit with a relationship counselor and pretty much tell her/him word-for-word what you told us here.

 

At any rate, keep communicating with your girlfriend, that is very important and I sincerely wish you both the very best with figuring this out.

[hopelesslyyours]

Wow... I am a girl and I am in your position. I understand it really sucks, especially when you know that person is the one, except for that one minor problem, which in this case to the both of us, is a big problem. I've been with my boyfriend for a little over 2 years now and I can tell you that the 2nd year was really rough. We went from having sex a few times a day to once every few weeks and now once a month if I'm lucky. I am frustrated pretty much all the time. I don't know what to do either. He's my everything, and I can't lose him. But at the same time, can I keep putting myself through this? Haha, maybe you and I should be together, jk. I hope the best for your relationship.

[EmotionalCreature]

Few times a week and you're complaining? Many people with their untold pain of having sex 4 times a year are out there.

 

If you're expecting to have sex everyday for 365 days a year, that's not going to happen

[arwen]

Well, I think it's fairly normal not to have sex on a daily basis after a while. I had a long term relationship when I was still in uni, and now that I am working. I am as attracted to my current bf as I was to the ex, but we both work, have long long days are usually dead-tired at night and if we manage to spend a whole week in one place (we live 200 km apart), we have sex around 4-5 times a week.

I think that if it's really the case that you feel she doesn't feel that spark, it's time to ask her about it. Maybe she feels more comfortable and things lack 'passion' because of that. Have you ever tried to seduce her, say, with some candles 'n romance?

 

Arwen

[Batya33]

Are you certain this is attributable to the lack of a spark between you or simply to less desire for sex as often as you would like it? When you are not in bed, how is the chemistry? How is the chemistry when you kiss? Just because there is less sex doesn't mean there is any less of a spark. If the issue is not enough sex then yes, I agree that is an "issue" - have you talked about meeting each other halfway - i.e. you want it twice more a week, she is fine with the way it is, so you have it once more per week?

[TheFoglifter]

Yeah dude, I'm one of those people who gets sex once every 2 months. If you are getting it twice a week, then you've had it more this year than I will for the next 10.

 

I sympathize with you wholeheartedly as I feel the same way about my gf -- in her case though, I believe the cause for her decrease in drive is her self-image. That is another thread for another day, but I want you to know I understand where you are coming from.

 

It was suggested earlier that you get rid of your attachment to sex. It is my opinion that that is extremely poor advice because it is not a compromise. It is essentially you giving up what you want and giving her 100% what she wants. As such, you would be right to be scared that 5-10 years down the line, you'll be on the same quarterly plan that many of us in longer relationships find ourselves.

 

One thing you can do, however, is focus on the QUALITY of sex, not the quantity. Some people mistakenly get wrapped up in a number without considering the quantity. To do so is like buying a car based only on monthly payment. If you want to pay $300 a month and thats all you care about, you could end up with a 10 year loan, oblivious to the harm because you got your 300/mo!

 

You said that when you do have it lately, she isn't as in to it. That is also a bad sign, because it means that she is starting to see sex as "just for you". This is inevitable with imbalanced sex drives, but is also a MAJOR killer. It will degrade to the point where you'll be so sex starved, you will exude desperation from every pore. She'll feel pressured, thereforeeee less in the mood because it "won't be about her", it'll just be about "you getting off".

 

Even though you know that isn't how YOU feel, it is how things usually pan out.

 

So what can you do? Depends on how far gone she already is. For starters, do not make this a frequent topic of discussion, otherwise the mere MENTION of the word "sex" will have her putting up her barriers and getting defensive. You said you hate sex only at night, well you can shake things up perhaps. Jump in the shower with her one morning while she is getting ready for work and do something that puts HER as the focus. Without asking for anything in return, make your exit and hope she regains some passion. Surprise her, take charge... just make sure that SHE gets as much (or more) out of it as you do.

 

If she is farther gone (ie: sex has now become a chore for her) then you may need something like counselling. You can try bargaining with her so long as you keep it positive, but at the end of the day, she has the lower drive so she is in control of frequency.

 

Stay positive! I failed to do so ages ago (though justifiably so..., I mean COME ON... do women really think that giving us less sex is going to make us want it less? Is that like saying "If you breathe less and less, eventually you won't need oxygen at all?!?!?!?!" and I don't think it'll ever go back to how it was in the beginning with daily sex.

[ghost69]

doesn't sound like a spark as much as it sounds like lust.

[tybiggs]

Hi everyone thanks for the replies, nice to know I'm not alone. Let me just say I know i have my faults as well so everyone doesnt think it's just all about me

 

I was in a three year relationship before and it ended with heartbreak on both sides, there was stuff i didnt want then or in the future,it hadnt changed in that time even with help so i pulled the plug even though i still loved her. I had/have many great friends and i can say that after that break up i have some of the greatest memories of my life, travelling, sports etc. Unfortunately I lost my best friend this past september and a few of my closest friends have moved away (still see them every couple of months but not the same)...might be a factor.

 

I dont want to let go of the attachment of sex or physical contact, for some people that is fine but I believe it is extremely important in a relationship and is a big part in keeping the love there/ being happy with a partner.

 

Batya33

 

we are extremely busy, she was working 2 full time jobs for a month and a bit until she made the transition to her current position in januarywhich is a mon-fri 730-5 job. I work 7-7 2 days 2 nights with 4 off or 6 off so my schedule changes and i have lots of time off. On top of this we have sports tuesday, wednesday and thursday nights. And about once a month on weekends we have tournaments (she is 29 i'm 25).

 

The desire or passion seems to be forgotten when she is busy or tired. When I mention it to her she's like oh whoops sorry, have lots of things on my mind and am really tired, and then she makes more of an effort. But is that something that you should constantly try to make an effort for or have to ask for? (at least she is trying though right

 

The foglifter

 

I always make sure she gets hers even before intercourse but after that she is exhausted (including the usually long day she has had) so then I dont feel like i can completely enjoy it because it is like she is waiting for me and wants to go to sleep. So as for the quality part...usually um yeah. If it was great, passionate sex that was long lasting (longer than 15 minutes), then i wouldnt have a problem with the lack of sex because I would be thinking wow that was amazing, I cant wait to do it again. As it stands now i'm wondering what to do...and yes i have tried the whole romantic thing and she appreciates it greatly but the romance seems to end after the meal or after the nice gestures (let it be known i do these to make her feel special, not so i can get it on).

 

I suggested a few weeks ago that we should take a weekend to ourselves (make time for each other) and just do things for us, maybe go away. It was a friend of hers birthday on the weekend and i worked parts of the next three weekends so she suggested we go to the party and make time for ourselves during the week. Of course by the time she gets home if we dont have sports she is usually zoinked. Then it's a problem because i've had the day off and have just been puttering around and have all this energy.

 

As for masturbation, yeah i've got that down to a fine science. I've got two willing partners.

 

grrrrrrrrr.

 

 

 

And a big thanks to everyone i didnt personally reply to...otherwise this would be ten pages long and nobody would read it ha!

[ghost69]

i never had this problem with a partner. but sex is a big part of any relationship i think. not like a deal breaker or anything, but it should be there.

[tybiggs]

i never had this problem with a partner. but sex is a big part of any relationship i think. not like a deal breaker or anything, but it should be there.

 

 

nor have i ever had this problem, perhaps why it is hard to find a solution, or avoid the same pitfalls that are occurring. Not a deal breaker to some, but to me potentially if it affects other parts of the relationship (which it does and vice versa). For short term or if there was any specific reason (i.e. clinical depression, loss of a mother or spontaneous abortion etc.) I can handle it but just day to day living with reasons like our "schedules often dont fit" or "i'm too tired" I don't know.

[ghost69]

it causes stress.