"i'm not that physically there..."

[thlst3]

so, i have been seeing this girl for about a month now. been on about 6 dates. she's very hot and cold. very guarded and protective. we've only kissed.

 

last night i brought her out to meet my friends. we all had a great time. at the end of the night she kisses me goodbye and asked if we hangout tomorrow (today). today we got coffee and i helped her pick out a digital camera. we have lunch and do some shopping. she would hold my arm when we're walking but when i try to hold her hand... she said she doesn't like to hold hands. when i dropped her off and walked her to the door, she stops me and says, "i like hanging out with you and have a great time but i'm not physically there yet..."

 

i was very dissappointed but what can i say or do? i just told her that it's cool. we can still hangout if she like. she said great, i'll call you and we'll talk.

 

should i continue to ask her to hangout or just let her go?

 

dating is very frustrating... i thought we were going well...

[Lily04]

what do you expect...? you said "we've only kissed." Are you hoping to have sex or something? Kissing is still fairly intimate... I don't usually have sex with a guy I like until I've known him very well.. at least a month or so..

[JustaGirl31]

Do you know if she recently got out of a relationship or hurt by one? She seems to have interest in you and if you are enjoying yourself, maybe you could give her more time.

[thlst3]

Yeah, I think she was hurt in the past but we haven't talked about our past. I'm not expecting sex or anything... i like the pace we're going because i was hurt in my last relationship.

 

do you think i should wait for her to contact me or should i ask/call her?

[addictedblue]

do you think i should wait for her to contact me or should i ask/call her?

 

don't play the whole dating game. if you want to talk to her than call her. if you have other things to do and decide she should be the one to call then wait. you're the guy so i'd say call her.

[heloladies21]

i just told her that it's cool. we can still hangout if she like.

I'm not sure why you answered with this. Think about it, she basically told you that she's not attracted to you yet. What's that suppose to mean? It was basically a backhanded insult.

 

I would have immediately called her out on her dumb comment. This isn't the kind of thing you say to someone who you're interested in and want to be interested in you.

 

It was just a dumb thing to say and deserved a different kind of response cause the one you gave shows low self confidence or that you're hiding your feelings for some kind of ulterior motive (sex). Chicks don't like either one of these.

[Beyondthesea]

Honestly I disagree with heloladies.

 

IMO, if it was me saying that, it's because I want the guy to know that I'm not about to do anything more than kiss. Maybe the last guy she was with was overly forward and she's not willing to do that again?

[thlst3]

You guys are great. You guys have helped me thru my bad breakup and now this...

 

I sense that she's afraid of getting close... I don't know why. I wanted to ask her today but I figured to play it cool and be patient.

 

Otherwise, why would she want to hangout today?

 

Thanks for the response. If anybody has any other opinions, please let me know.

 

Thanks.

[Batya33]

She's not afraid - she's just not sure if there's a spark there yet. I would give it a few more dates - no pressure - just lighthearted fun - and see where you get. tell her you will let her set the pace. If in a few dates you don't sense a spark, a green light from her to hold her hand, get closer then I would stop seeing her or tell her to call you if she changes her mind.

[heloladies21]

it's because I want the guy to know that I'm not about to do anything more than kiss.

Well, even if it was this, it deserves a similar response. Implying that I'm expecting anything more than or even just a kiss? That's an insult to a man's integrity.

 

If it was a problem with the last guy, I'd be insulted that she's comparing me to other guys.

 

In any case, best way to avoid all this speculation would've been to clarify and say "what do you mean?" But I can't think of any justifiable reason for saying what she did.

[ghost69]

she likes you. she just doesn't want to take it to holding hands. must be something personal for her. i wouldn't pry though.

[thlst3]

Ok here's a update...

 

After the 'I'm not physically there...' talk (two Saturday's ago), I left her alone for a few days. (Tuesday)I sent her a short email wishing her good luck on her conference. We email back and forth that day about random things. (Friday) I send her a short txt, "hey, how did your conference go?" She didn't respond. She's usually good at responding back. Sunday rolls around, I decided to call her. I got her VM and left a short message. Nothing back. I figured whatever. Monday night, I get a txt from her. Some weird and odd message about a tv show. I ignored it. I figured, if she can txt me... she can call me if she's interested.

 

Wednesday comes, I emailed her and few other people to my a bday thing on Sat. She emailed back right away and said she's interested in going and it'll be cool to bring her friend from out of town. I said yes of course.

 

Friday comes, I email her about her day and we talk about random things.

 

Saturday, I called her at 6 pm to see if she's still coming. She said her friend flight got canceled but she still wanted to come. I picked her up and we go the party. I introduce her to my friends and let her mingle on her own. We decided it was late so I walked her home... On the way home she holds my arm and eventually my arm. This confused me a bit.

 

So right before her place I stopped and asked her what happen a year ago? This was the 'talk' that i've been wanting...

 

1. It turns out that she is still heart broken from her last relationship. She thought her ex was the 'one' and how she doesn't know if she can have the same feelings as she did with him for me. She starts crying and saying how 'great' i am but she's really sorry... She got hurt really bad and that's why she's so guarded.

 

2. she met my close friends about 2 wks prior and one of them asked her, "What's up with you and my friend?" I KNOW! He messed up. I told all my friends not to ask cuz we're just starting out... Apparently, the question made her think about our relationship and felt 'pressure'. This is according to her... and that's why she was acting so distant.

 

I don't want this post to be long so I'll get to the point...

 

She doesn't know because she's scared... I gave her a hug and said it'll be ok... I understand because my last ex cheated on me and it took me sometime to get over it. I like seeing you and the pace we're going...

 

That was last Sat.

 

Monday, she emails me and asked me about her work... She never makes the 1st contact... it's usually me txt, calling, or emailing... so i was a bit surprise. I gave her some feedback and kept busy.

 

Tuesday, i sent a group email to the pics from sat. She emailed back with 'nice pics. thanks.' I didn't respond.

 

I was online Wed. and she didn't say hi/ or anything.

 

I don't want to be put in the 'friendzone'. She went on vacation yesterday to tuesday. I didn't wish her anything... I figured, give her some time and space to think. If i chase, she'll take advantage and i'll be just another 'friend'.

 

To be honest, I don't need her 'friendship'... I have plenty of friends.

 

My friends think I made enough effort... it's her next step... she can choose to open up and continue seeing one another or close this relationship.

 

After all, I shouldn't make someone a priority who only sees me as an option.

 

ps - we met online dating site... go figure.

[ghost69]

well that's good that you realize it's not a loss to you. it's good that you let her just go on her trip. let her sort out her thoughts or whatever. let her contact you again if she is feeling you. i think she is definitely interested in you though since she agreed to the party even without her friend.

[Dating Coach]

I'd run for the hills. Seriously. I have had 2 relationships exactly like this in my past and both ended with me hurt. I didn't learn my lesson the first time.

 

This will not end well. For one, she tested you with that "I'm not physically there" comment and you failed the test. Heloladies was right. It was a backhanded insult. Your appropriate response should not have been, "Hey it's cool!", it should have been, "Hey, I understand. Well when you feel like you're ready for a relationship, you've got my number. If I am single then maybe we'll go out." If you would have said that you would have passed the test. You would have told her, "I know what I want and deserve and if you aren't ready for that then I'm moving on" But by saying you're cool with someone who's 'not physically there' you told her "I'm desperate for a female in my life and if I have to settle for one who is going to be distant from me then I'm cool with that."

 

Too many people try to tell you that in dating you have to be 100% selfless. Unfortunately being 100% selfless get's you used, abused, and discarded. I am not saying you should be 100% selfish, but you need to let people know that you're not this "yes man" pleaser who does everything to please everyone but himself. This exudes weakness if you cannot stand up for yourself. This makes you a prime suspect for becoming a victim. You're letting people walk on you. That's what the test was. You failed because you showed her that you're cool with her being distant, not returning calls, etc and you're still there. You showed her that she can do this to you and that's cool by you. This is a major turn off because women are attracted to Self Confidence and Self Respect.

 

Outside of this test you further prove this by constantly intiating emails and phone calls. She doesn't even have the courtesy to answer half of the time. Nor does she have to. She already knows what to expect of you when you rolled over for her test. By continuing to try to contact her, hang out with her when she feels like it, etc you are showing her that you need her more than she needs you. This is unattractive. You're not being a challenge in any way.

 

If I was dating a girl and text her and she never responds, of if I leave a message on the phone and she doesn't respond, I move on. I need someone who shows interest in me, not someone who only cares to see me when they sporatically feel like it. I would tire of that game quick and wouldn't speak to her again.

 

This is what I suggest you do here. She's not "afraid" to get with you or another guy. She simply doesn't want to commit with a guy she's not that interested in. Especially one who seems to be clingy by trying to contact her even after she's thrown out some major negative vibes in your direction. You completely ignored those vibes and keep coming back for more.

 

I suggest you read the first two links in my sig.

[ghost69]

it's the start of controlling DD? tis what it sounds like.

[Dating Coach]

Not controlling. Indifference. She doesn't care because she doesn't have a whole lot of respect for the threadstarter. The reason she doesn't have respect is because he's disrespecting himself. Does he want to be in a relationship with someone who's cold, distant, hard to reach, etc? No. Yet he is doing this anyway. Why? Well when I did it back in the day it was because I didn't know any better and because I really wanted a girlfriend. I put that above making sure I had respect. The OPis making the same mistakes I did.

[thlst3]

DD and ghost, I appreciate you taking the time to respond to my thread.

 

DD, I agree with most of your post however... she's very guarded and protective. She only didn't respond to those 2x. She's usually good at getting back to me. Also, I don't think I acted clingy or needed. Dating is tough game. Everyone is different. The last time we 'hungout' was a group setting. She didn't have to respond to my invite. She still didn't have to attend the party since her out of town friend didn't make it in... but she chose too... I didn't cling to her at the party or touch her in a flirty way... she made the holding the arm and hand.

 

it's these mixed signals that confuses me... the txt msg she sent to me last monday about the tv show, she said it was her way to 'communicate' to me because she didn't know how to 'talk'... just like this week's IM on Monday about work. she never makes the 1st move... when she does... i have to wonder.

 

i don't think i'm 'disrespecting' myself... I'm being patient because i'm not trying to rush things. it's different if i called her or talk to her everyday...

 

like i said... i made enough effort. she knows how i feel, if she wants to step up and date... it's her choice. even when she gets back next week from her trip, i'm not going to call, txt, or email. everyone know it's a good excuse to 'talk' to her... i won't do it. any friend can ask her of her trip... no thanks, i have enough friends.

 

like dd said, she has my number... she can make the next move.

[Dating Coach]

I didn't cling to her at the party or touch her in a flirty way... she made the holding the arm and hand.

 

You should have touched her in a flirty way. However by 'cling' I don't mean touch, I mean constantly texting her and calling her even after she's not responding to you. The way you told your story made it look like you have to fill the time you guys are apart with some form of attempted contact.

 

-Such as after a couple of days of no contact from her (after her telling you she's not physically there...) you broke the silence by sending her a short email wishing her good luck on a conference. After a couple email exchanges once again there is silence on her part.

-A couple of more days pass and you break that silence first again by sending her a text. This time she didn't even bother responding.

-A couple of more days go by with silence on her part and you try to break that silence again with a phone call. No answer.

-Another day goes by before she finally bothers to TEXT you back some weird random message-nearly a week later. This time you didn't respond, because as you said, it was a random odd text about a tv show. Nothing about your texts, your calls, your VM, nothing.

-2 more days go by and you email her yet again. Finally she responds immediately. Over a week and several attempts to contact her, including a voice mail, she finally responds.

 

This is what I am talking about when discussing "clingy". She already blew you off somewhat with that comment at the mall, and then this. By continuing to try to get some kind of response out of her shows clear as day that you are far more invested in this "relationship" than she is. Her actions have shown she could care less.

 

it's these mixed signals that confuses me... the txt msg she sent to me last monday about the tv show, she said it was her way to 'communicate' to me because she didn't know how to 'talk'... just like this week's IM on Monday about work. she never makes the 1st move... when she does... i have to wonder.

 

A girl who is interested in you simply will not make it that hard to reach her, talk to her, nor date her. Bottom line. Actions speak louder than words.

 

like i said... i made enough effort. she knows how i feel, if she wants to step up and date... it's her choice.

 

You've made far more than enough. Her actions simply aren't there at all. You should have walked away a long time ago. I used to try to stick it out with a girl whose actions contradicted her words, and it only led to me wasting my time and being heartbroken. Nowadays, I will never allow myself to be put in that position again. No partner worth being with would let you do this anyway, they'd reciprocate. If someone isn't then I won't go there, I'll walk away because I respect myself too much to sit around and wait for some girl to decide whether or not she wants to hang out, return my calls, etc. If she's not doing it... see ya! I'll tell ya what too... I've been a lot happier and more successful since.

[ghost69]

omg, she has you on lock. she is killing your scoping radar. 'killing your potential game' as i always say. she wants to show everyone you are off limits.

[Siriana]

She's not into you as much as you would like her to be. When a girl is into you she'll answer all of your msg's, trust me!

I would run and close that chapter.

She openly admitted to you she's not for a relationship.

Take her seriously - it could save you a huge heartbrake. I wish I've done the same in some cases.

[ghost69]

next time this chick came up trying to hold my hand blah blah and doesn't want to be with me. i'd look at her like 'wth you doing'?