Initial realtionship stages.

[EvaGina]

Batya had this to say in antoher thread:

 

 

I think its a great post, but it makes you think...

What if you enter a relationship when both (or one) of you are going through difficult times? Do you think (as I do) that if you both handle it well, then that sets the tone for the rest of the relationship?

 

I know that things have gone well in relationships with me before, then one of us gets stressed and things all fall to pieces... But (which is why Batyas post was so interesting to me) my current bf and I got together while both of us are stressed as hell... Im in a new city, finding a job and flat and new friends, he is working a lot and just started full-time study as well, his disabled brother is having problems with work, as well as a death in family. We have coped really, really well and I find that we make eachothers lives easier...

 

So, do you think its just US or perhaps becuase we are "honeymooning" through this stressfull time it makes it so much easier to be good to one another? and do you think that initially learning to relate to eachother during a stressfull time is good for the longevity of our relationship?

 

Your stories and insight??

[Batya33]

Well yes that is interesting - when the two meet during a stressful time. Just going to throw this out there- if the couple first meets during a highly stressful time, it might be (might!) that one or both aren't really ready for a relationship because of the stressors and/or that they enter the relationship more out of need (to distract from or relieve the stress) than any other reason. I'm not so sure it shows you how it would be if the same stresses occurred after the initial butterflies faded. Or, again speculating, perhaps one person (usually the woman) is attracted to the man because she feels she can help him or "save" him and once his life returns to normal and he doesn't need her help he might see her -- and her role in his life - differently or as not needed.

 

Again, this is all speculation.

 

I would still say that you would need to know the person when they're not stressed - for example - once they have time to enjoy life again or relax, what is their idea of relaxation or enjoyment. Of course a couple can compromise on activities but in general - is he/she the energetic type, the laid back type - that might be hard to tell if it is a particularly stressful period.

 

This is one reason why some advocate not getting involved with someone going through the stress/chaos of divorce.

 

And, just to make clear - I am not commenting specifically on your relationship.

 

An example - a dear friend of mine met her husband through an on line dating site. They dated for a year, then got engaged, planning the wedding for less than a year from then. Right before the wedding, she was diagnosed with a terminal illness. He married her anyway and his behavior during her illness - basically, think "hero" in life size blinking letters (and also think husband, best friend, nurse, family diplomat, breadwinner, chauffeur, etc)-- brought them so much closer together it was incredible. She died 2.5 years after they married.

 

I do have many examples of women going for men who were going through incredible stress or hard times, and falling in love with the idea of fixing them, being supportive and once he was "cured" he went on to find someone else. Who knows - perhaps in that case the woman is a reminder of the bad times.

 

And, sure, it is great to see each other's behavior in stressful times and how you react and the dynamic. But your query as to "hmm, but is it because it happened during the honeymoon period" is interesting. .

Great thread (and not just because you cut and paste what I wrote ;-)

 

(i was just imagining - if you are right - then we should all tell our friends - hey, have a great guy for you - his house was just robbed, then he got fired, his mother has decided she is really a man, etc etc - - go for it! ;-)

[rocio]

No you have to get to know each other in all sorts of different situations. The drama times and the quiet times. But it can set the stage for a good relationship, definitly.

[laboheme]

I feel like starting a relationship during a stressful time makes the couple appreciate each other more in the beginning...but then there's the danger of basing the whole relationship on licking each other's wounds and falling in love because "he/she was there when I was a mess" and not because he/she is truly the right person for you.

 

When my ex and I started dating, both of our lives were pretty stressful. I had just started college. He was trying to come to terms with the fact that he had a disorder and bring himself to seek treatment. To top it off, we had to do long-distance right away. Now that our relationship is over, I realize that we were not right for each other...And I remember thinking that we weren't going to work out long before he actually dumped me, but always thinking that "oh, he supported me when college was a drag, shouldn't that count for something?"

 

Also, once all the stress is gone, the excitement of the relationship can go with it because you no longer "need" each other -- I definitely agree with Batya there.

[Dako]

I agree it's a thought provoking post.

 

I don't know if any relationship is all that stress-free, but seeing how someone copes provides more insight than more superficial traits.

Some folks bolt at the first sign of weakness in a partner while others can cope with stress within the relationship. Depends on the level of committment, as well.

I dunno.

[EvaGina]

Totally agree with you and Batya... depending on the relationship of course

 

(I wont apply it to my relationship seeing as I have known him for years and we dont lean on eachother, everything just seem easier when we are together, life is put into perspective, y'know? I have the stress becuase of moving to be with him, and when we planned my moving down here, both our lives were pretty much perfect... his stress came along once I got here, poor thing )

 

But yeah, you make good points. It makes you wonder about those couples who seem to cause drama... do they only know how to relate to eachother when somthing dire is going on?

[Batya33]

I also think that while knowing the person as a friend prior to dating can help in the getting to know stage for most people being in a romantic relationship is a whole different thing - not just because there is physical intimacy but most people show different sides of themselves, perhaps take on different roles whether traditional or otherwise, etc. I listen to Dr. Joy Browne on the radio once in awhile and when a caller says "we were friends for ___ years before we started dating" she makes sure that the caller understands that for purposes of evaluating the length of the relationship, only the romantic relationship counts (i.e. if the caller has an issue of closeness, or timing of making it official, etc).

 

Also, falling for someone can change the way you interact fairly quickly.

[Locke2121]

Aunty made a serious topic? image removed

 

 

 

It sounds like a good idea though. If you've already been through someone's worst, then your ready for almost anything the relationship has to throw at you.

[Batya33]

yes, but are you ready for when that person "feels better" and doesn't need you in that same way anymore? (not referring to Evagina's situation specifically)

[Locke2121]

I think that by the time the good times roll around, you will be so in love with someone who would stick by you, the need will be even greater.

[Batya33]

I know of many instances where people going through a divorce used another person as an emotional bandaid, and once the divorce was final and once they started to feel better wanted to be out there having fun and certainly not with the person who had been there as a therapist and when they felt/looked awful. Playing therapist for someone in his/her time of need is not always consistent with romantic desire or a relationship from a perspective of confidence. Being grateful to someone for their help is lovely but often not enough to stick around once the person regains his/her confidence. Indeed, the choice a person makes at a time of need may have little to do with his/her desire for a mate as opposed to desire for an emotional bandaid or for an ego boost when he/she is feeing down.

[Dako]

I've seen that as well, and I consider a person's aversion to the opposite sex after a breakup a heathy tool to heal solo, unlike the oft-repeated advice to date to heal faster. A new partner doesn't need second-hand drama.

 

On the other hand, when you're stuggle with life's usual stressors, are elated to meet a new interest, it's hard to sort your feelings objectively. Sometimes it's a matter of faith in your feelings and your partner's character.

After it's all itemized, it's a crapshoot.

[EvaGina]

I know of many instances where people going through a divorce used another person as an emotional bandaid, and once the divorce was final and once they started to feel better wanted to be out there having fun and certainly not with the person who had been there as a therapist and when they felt/looked awful. Playing therapist for someone in his/her time of need is not always consistent with romantic desire or a relationship from a perspective of confidence. Being grateful to someone for their help is lovely but often not enough to stick around once the person regains his/her confidence. Indeed, the choice a person makes at a time of need may have little to do with his/her desire for a mate as opposed to desire for an emotional bandaid or for an ego boost when he/she is feeing down.

 

So in other terms, a rebound...

 

I wasnt really talking about rebounds, that is a whole different kettle of fish.

The annoying thing about someone rebounding is that they can do it for YEARS on not even realise.

[Batya33]

Well, not just rebound but in a case where a person is going through a crisis they may not be themselves and the types of people to whom they are attracted at that time may be radically different from who they are attracted to/like being with without the crisis. The risk is, when the crisis is over, will that person who stood by them still be desirable to them, aside from feeling indebted to the person for being supportive? For example hooking up with someone who is an alcoholic or drug addict and trying to get help for the problem - or not - I have heard of instances where the person recovers and the spouse actually ends the relationship at that point because he/she has been so used to the "therapist" role that the equal partnership feels uncomfortable. Something like that.