Would you confront your cheating wife?

[EmotionalCreature]

OK, I have a scenario here. Two people been together for almost a decade, got married during that time, things didn't go well, husband was depressed with work and fell into a rut, wife hang on until she decided to break up.

 

The husband do all he can to fix things and get back on track, the wife comes back but the husband found out she cheated. Now they are both back together and both trying to make things better, but the husband knows, while the wife doesn't know that her husband knows and she never attempted to come clean about the affair.

 

If you're the husband, hurting, trying to forget what he knows happened, trying to forgive. Would you confront your wife about it that you knew what happened (By whichever means)?

 

What would you do? Swallow it all in and hope the pain will go away and one day you might be able to trust your wife again? For the women, would you confess, why and why not?

 

I really want to know, please share opinions about what you would do and why.

[Locke2121]

*sigh* No, I wouldn't. They are trying to make it! Why screw it up by dredging up a bunch of crap? From your description, at the end of the bad times, it sounds like they were two strangers living together....people need attention. If one or the other can't get it at home....well sometimes stress and loneliness makes peeople do stupid things.

 

I have one rule..people are allowed to make up for one horrible, stupid mistake in their lives, no questions asked....she needs this chance and hubby needs to understand and love her even more.

[karvala]

Difficult to know for certain, but personally I think I would. If I were trying to fix something, a fresh start, a clean slate, I wouldn't make my first signficant action covering up something that is critical to the relationship, leaves questions unanswered and will influence your behaviour (and she won't know why). I would raise it in as non-judgmental a way as I could, so that she knew I knew, but knew that I was also trying to forgive her, and hopefully wanted to participate in the process and help out with it. That's what a solid foundation would look like to me.

[Locke2121]

Yeah, the clean slate is always good, but having so many problems, then finding the chance to put everything right....sometimes isn't it just better to let the past stay in the past?

 

Sure, she cheated...but she's with the husband, not the other guy...that says something to me.

[Beec]

OK, let's assume you are the husband asking. What do you want to happen when you tell her? Do you want her to apologize? What do you want? And, how will what she does change things?

 

I assume the cheating took part only when they were separated, which to me is not quite like but close to broken up. In which case, I give her some leeway. But the answers to the questions are key.

[heloladies21]

It really doesn't matter if you confront her or not. Once a women who is with you, shows an interest in another man, the relationship is eventually going to end.

[Northalius]

Of course I'd confront her about this. I'd be speaking with a counselor about it, as well.

 

The longer you keep this in, the worse it's going to become. Trust me, there's no such thing as "sucking it up, and forgetting about it". It'll be put in the back of your mind, and your subconscious mind will ultimately effect your conscious attitude toward her over time. You'll use this as the foundation of how you see her from now on! How she has willingly betrayed you, deceived you, and has constantly kept the truth from you.

 

As I said in another thread a couple weeks ago: It's like steam in an enclosed area -> eventually it's going to explode if it's not let out.

 

Keeping this in is a bad thing to do. Fear of confronting her thinking it'll make matters worse, is up to how mature she is about telling the truth; if she can't be mature enough to handle that, then she's seriously not worth staying with. Look at it like a test. Stop trying to hopelessly hold on to what's not worth holding on to. A marriage shouldn't be, if both adults can't handle a "storm" that comes by once in a while.

[Rabican]

you bet your @$$ I would. I think thats a pretty big deal, and not something that I would leave unsaid. I think you gotta get that one out in the open and decide if you can get past it or not. To ignore it, and pretend nothing is wrong, I think is like denying that you are sick when you have a big tumor growing inside you. You can pretend its not there... but thats just pretending.

[willow2900]

I would. Something like that would eat at me till it exploded into a huge argument later.

I would try and stay calm and talk about it. And go get marriage counselling. Even if it happened when we were "on a break" it doesn't mean that some trust isn't lost. I would be constantly asking myself "if things got hard again, would she go get another man again??"

[puppeteer]

you must live with honesty in a relationship.

 

to not talk about an affair, whether during a time of separation or not...is to deny an event that causes pain and guilt on both sides.

 

there is a difference between having the courage and the fortitude to forgive someone their transgressions and having the courage to face them in truth together.

 

they should talk about the affair.

[lamarthe]

You were separated at the time so why not tell her you know this has happened during the time apart.

Why is it so hard for you? Has she somehow denied anything already?

 

She probably feels bad about it herself. What is you relationship like now? If you

both want to make it work I think you can both handle it. You should be able too

because you got back together for that reason. She wouldn't be with you if it had been important.

She needed comfort and went to far but again you were separated.

[EmotionalCreature]

It's just that everything seems to fall into place now, how would you start talking to the partner?

 

By telling her you know means you have to admit to snooping around to find the truth, which is quite unforgivable, I feel that its difficult.

 

Or just ask the partner and see if she will lie again?

[CallingAllAngels]

It's just that everything seems to fall into place now, how would you start talking to the partner?

 

By telling her you know means you have to admit to snooping around to find the truth, which is quite unforgivable, I feel that its difficult.

 

Or just ask the partner and see if she will lie again?

"Oh the tangled web we weave when we practice to deceive."

 

Here's my situation...my husband cheated on me with a coworker 7 years ago. I always knew "in my gut" that he cheated. He NEVER admitted it. I found out, yes, by snopping (be careful what you look for, you might not like what you find) that they DID indeed have an affair.

 

When confronted...he denied it. Even in the face of PROOF. Denied it. Then the story changed...it went from "I don't remember" to "it was one kiss, and I pushed her away" to, "well, we 'just making out' a few times" to "it didn't go on for years, it was just months" (I know it was 3 years) and back to "I don't remember how far we went...we might have had sex...I don't remember....blah blah blah."

 

This man is a liar. He deceived me for 7 years. I will tell you what I KNOW, from my heart: You will NOT be able to "live" a real life with this woman KNOWING that she is lying to you. You won't. Sure, if will be okay NOW, and for a while, but, this affair that you knew about (even if you were on a break, you were still married) will fester inside you like an infection that will eventually come to a head.

 

If you don't want to "ask" her by yourself, go to a marriage councelor, and ask the question with a 3rd person there.

 

ALL relationships are based on trust. If you don't have trust, you have nothing.

 

I wish you the very best...

~Allie