Help...found out my Dad is cheating on my Mom

[LostIt123]

I don't know what to do...yesterday I called my mom and could tell something was wrong with her, she was reluctant to tell me at first but I eventually got her to open up. It turns out that she is suspicious that my Dad is cheating on her with one of her "friends." They have been married 26 years, my Mom is 46, my dad is 47. My little brother plays baseball on her son's team and all the families and kids on this team have sort of grown up together (they go on Vacations etc together, but her friend has not been on these with them).

 

This lady, we'll call her Laura, is single, has a husband who left her several years ago, was having problems with her oldest son and my Mom helped her in every way possible. She even sent the B**** a valentine's flowers to her work last year, because she knew that V-day was hard on her when all of her co-workers were receiving flowers etc. Pretty much, my mom has gone above and beyond to make this lady welcome and feel part of the baseball group. She sometimes needs handy man work done around her house and some of the husbands would go help her out, because they felt sorry for her. My Mom never thought ANYTHING of this, nor did any of the other wives consider that this lady would ever backstab them in such a way.

 

Well, it was brought to my Mom's attention from her best friend and her best friends husband, that Laura was flirting with my Dad, and it was getting worse, somewhat suspicious. At one of the baseball games, she went and stood next to my dad, away from all the other women and talked to him the whole time. They also said that they saw Laura leaning over on my Dad's leg and stuff another time when everyone was sitting on the bleachers. These friends of my mom are NOT the kind of people to start rumors, and are petrified of my Dad finding out they are the ones who told my mom about this, but they thought she needed to be cautious, b/c they were having a gut instinct something wasn't right, my mom, unbeknownst to them had been having the same questions...it just makes me sick!

 

Well my mother couldn't handle it anymore and confronted my Dad about it this morning, she lied and said she knows that something has been going on, and if he confesses that she can work through it, or she will let him go be with Laura, if that's what they want. She just needed to know the truth. She begged him to tell her if it was just a fling or if he loved her. He replied saying "i love you, i love you" and began crying, but he didn't really deny anything wholeheartedly like one would expect if nothing was going on. My dad was on his way to work when she was talking to him about this, and he had to go to a meeting he claimed, but he would come home right after.

 

Well my mom went to Laura's house, and confronted her, which she of course denied it. She acted incredibly innocent acting like my mom was getting her in the middle of stuff etc. My mom begged her, and said she would not be mad, told her she loved her, but if anything had been going on PLEASE just say. Well low and behold Laura's phone rang, and it was my Dad. She answered and said "yes, she's sitting right here" which I think was a hint to him, b/c my mom never told him she was going over there to confront Laura. My dad then talked to my mom and said he thought he had called our house (which is a load of BS...horrible lie). My mom left, but kept her composure the whole time. The thing is, my dad is a fireman and is often gone overnights so it would be easy for him to see her when her kids arent around.

 

The most distressing thing to my mom is that if he is cheating with this B-that my little brother will be incredibly messed up. He thinks of my dad as his hero, and can be very very sensitive, especially if he finds out his dad was cheating with one of his best friends moms!

 

She is extremely torn up about this. My dad said he would be right home after work to talk about it, wouldn't admit to anything but wouldn't exactly deny it either. I'm sure he and Laura have exchanged stories to get on the same page, b/c she knows this will ruin her reputation in the church, as well as with all her friends. I'm trying to help my mom,, but she is incredibly embarrassed about all this, and hasn't told anyone b/c if it's not true, she doesn't want my brother to get word of it. I'm not exactly sure what all my dad and this woman have done, but I'm sure that their relationship isn't apropriate.

 

My mom is very trustworthy, she believes that if she tells them to please just tell her the truth and she won't go crazy, that they would tell her the truth. She is naive in a lot of aspects and I HATE him for doing this to her and my brother. I don't really know what advice I'm seeking but it's killing me. I want to call this woman and chew her * * * out for doing this to my family and especially my mother. She will have ruined our lives, and I hate her for this.

[dyoung]

Sorry to hear about your problem, it is sad.

 

but you should be mad at your dad, he is also was involved in this mess.

and could have stopped it any time.

 

Sorry!

[Locke2121]

He replied saying "i love you, i love you" and began crying,

 

Sounds a bit like relief on his part..like he wanted to tell but was just too scared to. When I read this, I actually felt a tiny spark of hope for your mom and dad.....lets hope I'm right.

 

I want to call this woman and chew her *** out for doing this to my family and especially my mother. She will have ruined our lives, and I hate her for this.

 

Well, maybe in the future. Right now, you need to let the adults sort everything out.

 

I get the feeling that this may be MOSTLY emotional. Notice I said mostly. None of us can discoun the possiblity of a physical thing.

 

*sigh* Maybe, just maybe this can be nipped in the bud, or it may come to a seperation. Either way, there are hard times in store for you and your family. We are always here to talk to you. We don't care if you scream, cry or rant, we'll be the shoulder you need.

 

Keep us updated!

[LostIt123]

Oh, I am EXTREMELY pissed at my Dad, more than you know, but I guess it's just because he is my Dad that I'm naturally more angry at the other woman, especially because we know her. My Mom is blaming him, though she's mad at the woman, can't believe he would do this to her, because no matter how unhappy she was, would never cheat on him. I just can't imagine the gall this lady has to bring her son to my house, so my Mom can watch her kid then she betrays like this. It makes me sick.

 

My mom was supposed to have a long talk with him last night, and I called her this morning but she didn't answer. I'm pretty sure she's torn up. I may go home tonight to stay with her for the weekend (I'm in college about 3 hours away), everything inside of me wants to call this woman, because she knows me, and go crazy...

[Locke2121]

I know...but you have to let them take care of everything first.

[LostIt123]

Well I talked to my mom today and she said they had a long talk and stuff and she kind of believes him (she ALWAYS gives the benefit of the doubt). The thing that I really don't believe is that when my mom was over at Laura's house, and my dad calls. He swears he meant to call our house not hers. I just don't buy that. I think he was calling her to tell her that my Mom confronted him, etc.

 

Doesn't it seem like bs for him to call her house (he had no idea my Mom would be there) and when the lady answers she says, "yes, she's right here" (my mom) and hands the phone to my mother.

 

I mean I may have accidentally called someone instead of someone else once before, but that just seems too fishy.

 

There are a couple other things as well but it would take too long to explain....I think my mom just doesn't have any experience with the whole being cheated on thing, and she believes what he tells her. The fact that she even suspected something, or had a gut feeling about him and this lady tells A LOT, and it wasn't even just her, her best friends had a bad feeling about it as well (they didn't mention it until my mom brought it up though). When you have a gut feeling somethings going on, is it usually warranted?

[Locke2121]

Yeah. Its caused by a set of senses that most people don't use. The same thing that protects animals from being attacked actually.

 

So, whats going to happen? Do you think it can be fixed, or is it too early to tell?

[sophie274]

Hugs to you - you've been put in a rough situation.

 

I have to say, I think it is extremely irresponsible and unfair of your mother to put you in this situation. I don't think she should be telling you these things: it is your parents' marriage, not yours, and this is a matter for two full-fledged adults to discuss and work through. There is nothing for you to gain by being put in the middle - and I don't think it's right that you should be made to evaluate your dad's actions before anyone knows what happened yet.

 

I would ask your mother to please allow you to stay out of this, and not to bring it up in your presense. It is really setting you up for a world of hurt, resentment, maybe even guilt. It is simply disadvantageous to you in every way. Please ask her to shield you from the issues in their marriage.

 

You must be feeling a million different emotions right now - it might be wise to think about a few sessions with a trusted adult or counselor to process what you've been through.

[isisastaria]

I agree with Sophie.

This is far too much for you to deal with . It really doesn't have anything to do with you. It will hurt you too much. One of the biggest mistakes parents can make is involving their children in adult matters. Please remember that your parents are human. They mess up, they fall, they make us mad like everyone else. I think working on your relationship with your dad is very important. Forgiving him would not mean that you excuse what he did. It wouldn't even be for him. It would be for you. And this doesn't mean you can't be really really angry. You have a right to your anger. I think you should wait until the right time and tell your dad how this has affected you. he needs to hear it and you need to say it.

 

Good luck with everything!!! Please try not to get involved in your parent's relationship. Just keep it on a level between you and your dad. You already know, so that is out of the bag. Please try not to be hurt anymore by both of your parent's irresposible behavior. ( A lot of parents do this when they are going through rough times). And sometimes they didn't mean for you to overhear...

[willow2900]

I agree with sophie.

Go make an appointment with a counsellor. Not that ena can't help but they can help in different ways.

I know that you are trying to help your mom and your brother and rationalize it all but it's too close right now and too much information right now is a bad thing. Let your parents figure this out and talk with a counsellor about your feelings about possible outcomes: what if they stay together? what if they separate? What if there is a relationship with the other woman that ends up being long term? How would you feel about all that, and what can you do to try and prepare yourself for that?

 

I went through a similar thing. I was 12/13 when my parents split and it wasn't until college and looking back that I realized what occurred. My mother had an emotional affair, and most likely physical with our minister from our church. Yup. Crappy. It's a difficult thing when you realize that one of your parents is doing things that hurt you. You feel like asking "why would you do this when you know it hurts me and our family?"

 

My parents made the mistake of not putting us in any counselling, and I was too young at the time to think of it. But I have been since and honestly, it does help. Think about taking you and/or your brother (if it comes to that) to something. Even though this is a horrible situation, it is happening. And you need to make sure that YOU are ready to deal with everything.

 

**big hugs** all the best lostit123.

[Locke2121]

Guys, her mother may need the emotional support! And truth be told, this effects the whole family and will for a very long time.

[sophie274]

Guys, her mother may need the emotional support! And truth be told, this effects the whole family and will for a very long time.

 

And the place for her to get emotional support is not from her daughter! Her daughter is not a full-grown adult, and is not equipped to deal with issues such as theses. And frankly, in my opinion, it is inappropriate to talk about marital issues with one's children, because both parents will always be parents to the child. A cheating husband can still be a good father - not as easily if the mother is talking about him in a demeaning way to the child.

 

OP - I'm sure your mother has thought of this, but you can suggest she get professional counseling, but if I were you I would insist that she not bring you into this.

[LostIt123]

Hey, thanks everyone for your comments. My mom was not going to involve me in it initially, but I could tell that something was wrong with her. It isn't like she called and said "hey guess what!..." I had no idea until the next day when I called her and she was on the verge of tears, if she had just said "nothing" it would be clear she was lying...I persisted. I completely understand where you guys are coming from though, and I think it would be a bit different if I was 14 or something and she was coming to me for advice, but I'm 21, and have actually been cheated on before myself so I know the signs/lies you can hear.

 

It isn't like I wouldn't find out about it in the long run anyway, especially if they do split up, but like I said, I completely understand where you are coming from, because I would probably think the same thing if I read this.

Oh and she does have an appointment for counselling on Tuesday.

 

I think they are going to work it out. My Dad still denies it, and if he did do something with her I know he regrets it. They've talked extensively and cried a lot, and he swears he has never done anything with ANYONE else, ever. My mom is going out of town for a week with my brother next saturday (completely unrelated), and it's worrying her since he will be at the house by himself. She's considering hiring a PI or something, just to make sure. My brother still doesn't know anything about any of this. He knows they're in a fight, because he stayed the night at a friends last night while they talked, but he has no clue it's due to this.

[Locke2121]

I feel like your dad really loves your mom alot. Maybe there is hope.

[isisastaria]

Yes, Sophie. I agree. And 21? You're still very young. I myself couldn't handle this with my mom at 29. You should be worrying about college career and guys, honey. You want to be grown up right now and I understand that. But you just aren't responsible for your mom. It's WAY unhealthy. Support her but DO not stay involved in their affairs. It's damaging to you. The people who should support her are OTHER ADULTS such as her sister, friends, mother, counselor, pastor or priest, etc... Does that make sense?

[sophie274]

^^ Yes, exactly!

 

I agree that 21 isn't exactly "baby age" - sorry if I gave that impression in my post! But this is just a whole different ballgame. They've probably been married for ... 25 years? It's just such a complex animal, that I don't think you should touch with a 10-foot-pole, most of all because it's not just any old marriage, it's your parents marriage.

[isisastaria]

Good, luck with everything sweetie! Let us know if we can help anymore!

[Clanger]

I think you need to take a step back and let them work it through but be there if your ma needs someone.. but dont get into a slanging session on your dad.. you dont know the full story and this is one they have to work out by themselves.

 

If this was my parents id want my mum to confide in me, we are more like sisters.. but when it comes down to it its not your place to influence her, its very easy to take sides in these situations and thats something you should steer clear off.. you may feel like you want nothing to do with your dad at this moment, but try and keep on good terms

 

Hope they work it out, he does sound like he really wants to

 

Cx