Feeling in adequate in sex life is affecting me

[EmotionalCreature]

Beec, sounds like a good idea, that way I get to be myself, do my own things, and feel good about myself too.

 

One thing though, I would surely do those things and stop relying on her to provide me happiness, but would it be a good idea to talk to her about it? I didn't talk to her about it last night.

 

For those that think I have forever been like this, no, I wasn't like this before. Something about her back then is very calming (I am talking about time before past 3 years) and make me feel like I want to treat her well, she wasn't like this before, it has slowly changed me into someone I am not proud of.

 

If she's not willing to make it work then I'll have to look after myself. Any other suggestions and thoughts please share.

[Altruist]

Hmmm, maybe you wronged her some time in the past and the fact that you don't recognize or acknowledge that can be the source of the resentmenty. SHe's probably just holding a grudge and thinking that you are insensitive. Try and think back to the time that the lack of sexual interest started and see if there was any conflict at that time.

 

I doubt that it is being caused by your overtly 'nice' demeanour. However you could tone down on being nice so that you don't come accross as 'suffocating'.

[Beec]

Beec, sounds like a good idea, that way I get to be myself, do my own things, and feel good about myself too.

 

One thing though, I would surely do those things and stop relying on her to provide me happiness, but would it be a good idea to talk to her about it? I didn't talk to her about it last night.

 

For those that think I have forever been like this, no, I wasn't like this before. Something about her back then is very calming (I am talking about time before past 3 years) and make me feel like I want to treat her well, she wasn't like this before, it has slowly changed me into someone I am not proud of.

 

If she's not willing to make it work then I'll have to look after myself. Any other suggestions and thoughts please share.

 

I'm not so big on talking about it, and I think you doing your own thing and feeling good about yourself before you talk changes the conversation. Recently, you've been the wuss. When you feel confident, you shouldn't be. Everything changes when you are confident, so do what it takes to get it.

 

Also, I think it gives you a chance to ask for nothing from her, analyze things from the point as to how she feels and how you can get her to feel the way you'd like her to feel, and then, you get to act and be more confident in it. Moreover, any effective sedcution is made indirectly. Talking about it is direct.

 

Hang in there.

[MrCrazy2u]

Well sure, you went for counseling for 3 months after the break up. I don't want to break up / divorce, and if I am a wuss or if I am the problem I want to fix it, its not necessary to get a divorce or lose my wife first is it?

 

 

I know, I was just telling my story. I was saying that it would have taken me a lot longer to stop being a doormat if things hadn't been broken off. I wasn't telling you to break things off to work this out.

 

Go to counseling yourself to get help leaving the doormat role behind

[EmotionalCreature]

Beec, let's hear more about those indirection seductions Definitely something I would like to learn! I talked to her and she doesn't want to put more effort into the relationship, don't get me wrong, that's what came out from her mouth.

 

It's like a slap in the face, but I am glad and appreciate her honesty, the last thing I want to be lied to and misled.

 

I don't know how serious she was when she said this, she said something along the line of this is who she is and she can't change that, and if I am to be with her, I'll have to feel like this for the rest of my life. Also, she told me that she can't give me what I want, being the passions, intimacy and sex, she even told me to get those from elsewhere, I don't know how to describe the feelings when I heard it from her.

 

It's not the sex that I want, I want her.

[blender]

Bluesea, the best thing you can do right now is to get some therapy for yourself, in talking to a therapist you can sort through some different options on how to approach not only your marriage, but the rest of your life on a day to day basis. Right now you have to accept that you are powerless over how your wife is choosing to behave, defend, hide behind a tough exterior.. she's obviously hurting, or just shut down in some way, but only SHE can make a choice to "work on herself" and the most powerful, attractive, healing thing for you to do is to seek your own therapy.

 

This will empower you, and also be an example to her, that YOU are willing to take action in your own life, and the only way to improve all relationships in your life is to do your own 'self work and discovery'.. and you're being honest when you say "it's not the sex you want it, it's her"...

 

But first there has to be a confident, emotionally settled YOU. And you can do this through therapy, search on the internet in your area, find a therapist who specializes in "marriage therapy"...even if you are going on your own, it will be the first "emotional brick" in your own loving foundation.. you start building back from there.

 

The past three years of growing "distant from each other in the marriage" will not be resolved overnight, or in a discussion, there's been some emotional walls built up, part of the "survival instinct" when we separate from our core emotions just to get by day to day, and we may start to think the solution will come from the "other person" or from "outside of ourselves".

 

The healing starts with you, within you, finding your own answers and how to approach this in a healthy, non-needy, non-defensive way, but instead to be able to find out where YOU stand in the big picture of YOUR life, and then setting about speaking your truth and then be willing to live within it, and hopefully when you get stronger, more focused on your own life, your wife will follow, if not, well by then you will have more "emotional tools" as to how to make a choice about whether you stay in the marriage or not...

 

If you want to save your marriage, then the first step is to save yourself, find yourself, seek therapy to talk out all that you are feeling and why, and then you can approach your wife not "asking her for something" but instead expressing YOUR truth in a constructive way that may open the doors to her heart again.

 

It's not about "seduction".. it's about understanding yourself, and then through therapy, getting a better understanding of what might be going on in her head, why her defense mechinism kicks in when the marriage is discussed, and getting your own therapy, so you can be an example to her, to your children and to yourself through getting your own thoughts, feelings, out in the best most constructive way.

 

If she won't go to therapy, then simply say, "I'm sorry you feel that way, but I need to go for my own sake, and if you ever want to join me, I'd welcome it". Then you go, get help for yourself.. and trust that once you find "your own truth" within all this, the rest will fall into place.. and you will be so happy you didn't take a passive role in your own life, remember this is YOUR life, it's not a dress rehearsal.. so make the best of it by healing yourself first. This is love. Best, Blender

[Devchonka]

Aww I'm sorry to hear this, please keep us updated.

You seem like a wonderful husband, it's very sad the way she is treating you