Feeling in adequate in sex life is affecting me

[EmotionalCreature]

Me and my wife has been together for many years (we're under 30).

 

It's starting to affect me and the way I act in everyday life and in my relationship as I don't feel like I am being desired. I try nice music, cooking dinner, taking care of daily responsibilities, scented candles, etc, but it doesn't seem to help.

 

For me, sex is a way I express my love, and for the past 4 months we only had sex once and once again I was the one initiated it. She seems uninterested, and many times when we are in bed together, before going to sleep she would touch me there or play around with it a bit then go straight to sleep. Leaving me feeling like I want to have sex and when I try to, she would reject me.

 

It's making me doubt my manliness, sexual performance, even doubt about our relationship. It's not healthy at all, every rejections makes me feel bitter, cold, and unwanted, undesired.

 

And when I try to talk about it, she would have her ways of saying things that would leave me speechless, if I try to push the issue, she would make it out as if I am being pushy and annoying. Help me, I am suffering.

 

If she loves me why doesn't she desire me?

[answersguy]

3 words my friend... "Go to counceling" It could be any number of reasons anywhere from her not being confident in her looks to her not being attracted to you anymore or even another man. There are a thousand other things it could be too... That is a serious problem.

[MrCrazy2u]

Counseling, go

[Beec]

Well, first things first, what you have been doing is not working for you, so maybe you need to change things. If you change how you act towards your wife, then maybe she changes how she feels about sex with you. Does that make sense?

 

Second, pushing the issue is not going to help you. It's just not. How you feel about sex should have some effct toward your wife, and frankly she is simply not fulfilling one of her roles as a wife by not taking care of your needs. I would criticize her for it, but I would not push. I might soon be the guy who was quite openly eyeing the ads for escort services or personal ads, and then when she commented, my response would be "Why not? You're not being woman enough to take care of me!" While this is a bit harsh, it's you not looking for anything from her, but getting ready and withdrawing from her, being independent of her.

 

It seems very likely to me that what you are doing or not doing is making your wife feel attracted to you, and that the harshness above might also not be needed. If you create feelings in her that make her attracted to you, then she wants you and you get sex.

 

Now, the first thing I would do is treat her as a roommate, nothing more. Instead of looking for sex, you do the opposite. Make an indirect approach.

[Locke2121]

nice music, cooking dinner, taking care of daily responsibilities, scented candles, etc, but it doesn't seem to help.

 

I don't want to sound mean, all men have their romantic side.....but this sounds like a wuss. Thats not a bad thing! Every woman likes it when her man does something sweet and romantic. But all the time? You need to act more like a man does. Dress up to the nines and take her dancing, play a bit harder to get. Flirt more and let her see that women beside her are interested in you because your a manly man.

 

Right now your the husband in her life....maybe she wants a MAN in her life. Someone who comes in the door and scoops her up and takes her straight to bed! Take the lead dude! Don't suggest with candles..show her with your burning eyes, powerful hands and a mouth that can go EVERYWHERE!

 

If I'm out of line, I do apoligize, but I do think I'm on to something her.

[answersguy]

WOW... If you want a divorce, listen to BEEC his views were right on but his solution is the stuff that promptly ends marriages... This is a serious problem and not one to play games with.

 

Locke had some very valid points though and a great solution. I still think counceling but taking the lead, acting the man... Trying to be more of a casanova and less of a maid may help a great deal. Candles aren't a bad idea though, maybe go pick up some sexy lingerie, turn out all the lights in the bedroom but have one candle lit. Leave the lingerie on the bed and a note telling her to have it on for you when you get home.

[Beec]

Locke2121, sometimes I really don't agree with things you say, but in this one you may be on. However, after being a wuss for so long a man who comes home and pulls this manuver is likely going to be shot down. The wuss, imo, first needs to pull back and stop asking, make her think he is really withdrawing. Not be very affectionate at all. This should be accompanied by him being more independent in his life too, doing things without her. And then, when she begin to look for some attention and affection, hold out just a bit longer, then lay it on her. Perhaps out or to work one day instead of submitting to a peck on the lips, he grabs her and kisses her pasionately, then walks out with a simple goodbye. Then act as if nothing has happened when he gets home, then grab her a few days later and really lay one on her.

 

Locke, I think your on, but I think he needs to set up him grabbing her, pulling her pants down and giving it to her without taking them off all the way. You're on, but he needs to set it up.

[heloladies21]

It has nothing to do with your sexual performance, but she has lost interest in you and is on the way out of the relationship. Most likely it's due to the fact that you are one of those "nice guys" who has a really hard time fully sticking up for himself and hides his true feelings when they would cause conflict.

 

Think about it, when you confront your wife on an issue, she just backs you down and then you shut up. The situation doesn't get resolved and trust me, she sees that and it has an effect.

 

There is a lot of learning and growing you have to do before you're able to have a successful relationship. Sadly, this is something guys in your kind of situation can't do unless you're free from being emotionally involved.

[Beec]

It has nothing to do with your sexual performance, but she has lost interest in you and is on the way out of the relationship. Most likely it's due to the fact that you are one of those "nice guys" who has a really hard time fully sticking up for himself and hides his true feelings when they would cause conflict.

 

Think about it, when you confront your wife on an issue, she just backs you down and then you shut up. The situation doesn't get resolved and trust me, she sees that and it has an effect.

 

There is a lot of learning and growing you have to do before you're able to have a successful relationship. Sadly, this is something guys in your kind of situation can't do unless you're free from being emotionally involved.

 

I lind of disagree with the definiteness of these conclusions. She might be checking out. Then again, she might be content to live, with him being the provider, faithful to him, in a rather boring and sexless marriage.

 

I also think he can learn while being in a relationship. People need not and should not stop learning becaus they become attached.

[MrCrazy2u]

I also think he can learn while being in a relationship. People need not and should not stop learning becaus they become attached.

 

Unfortuntalely that's usually how it works though... I know I didn't realize how badly I was being treated and disrespected until a month or two after my ex broke things off. We were together for 3 years and no one, not even my best friends or family could open my eyes to how much she walked all over me... and yes, when I look back on it all the sex started becoming very infrequent (10 times in 2 years ) after she cheated on me because I immediately took her back.

 

I'm pretty confident that if we had attended counseling I might have realized it, but it would have been a much slower process and there's always the chance I might have slipped right back into the role of a doormat. I'm much much happier now that I'm out of that relationship.

[Locke2121]

Yeah, ease into the role, but be more a man. You seem like you've lost a spark, time to rev the gennie back up!

[EmotionalCreature]

...she has lost interest in you and is on the way out of the relationship...

 

...Think about it, when you confront your wife on an issue, she just backs you down and then you shut up. The situation doesn't get resolved and trust me, she sees that and it has an effect...

 

The first statement is somewhat the thing I agree with you, sadly. When you talking about confronting and backing down, what do you suggest that I do? Most times sticking up usually escalate into arguments and days of silence.

[EmotionalCreature]

... sex started becoming very infrequent (10 times in 2 years ) after she cheated on me because I immediately took her back.

 

I'm pretty confident that if we had attended counseling I might have realized it, but it would have been a much slower process and there's always the chance I might have slipped right back into the role of a doormat. I'm much much happier now that I'm out of that relationship...

 

It's hard for me to see from the inside, I know I must break through. But while you have already experienced it and learned it, how to not be a doormat and still have healthy relationship?

[blender]

It usually has nothing to do with "physical desire" or even about YOU..it's just something she is going through, and you are not a 'wuss".. you're just a frustrated husband, who is trying to talk things out, and she's "afraid, embarrassed, confused" whatever... and this says more about her then it does about you or your sexual performance.. so seek some therapy, even if you just go by yourself at first, and you can loving tell your wife, "I really want to go to therapy, I'm unhappy, and I love you and want to make an effort to work on things".. if she doesn't want to go, then you can lovingly say, "I can't stay with the way things are if you continue to refuse to make any effort to get therapy or to even discuss it with me, we both deserve better than this".

[EmotionalCreature]

Guys, I am planning to talk about it with her tonight, it's about time to finally get it out of the way.

 

Please, for those that have experience discussing this issue, whether you're man or woman, how should I approach this? What if she says things that shows she doesn't really care or show that attitude, how would I approach the situation? I would prefer that you've experienced similar situations before as this is extremely important time of my marriage and it's fragile.

 

On the other hand I know that I can't just sweep it under the carpet like I used to, the issue is not going away and I can't keep acting like a puppy sitting there with sad eyes waiting for treats.

[blender]

First thing to remember is do not take anything she says "personally".. whatever she says, it's more about her than it is about you... and approach it with kindness, and express your "feelings" more than "desire for sex".. say "I love you, but I'm concerned about us, and I feel like I'm drifting away because I miss our "intamcy both physically and emotionally".. and I think we need some therapy, because I don't want us to not be happy.. we both deserve the best of each other, and I don't feel welcomed right now to give you my best.., how do you feel about all this?"

 

And then you listen... and don't "re-act" to anything she says, if she gets angry, just listen, and if she says something like "you're being pushy" or whatever, then you reply with; "I'm sorry you feel that way, it's certainly not my intention".. and then listen again..listen, and let her talk... if she walks away, then give her some space, don't insist you resolve it all in one night.. let go for a day, and then make sure you seek some therapy for yourself so you can "discover authentically where you stand on a deeper level" and then you can decide if you want to "stay in a relationship where your wife is not willing to make an effort to work on issues, of if you might be way better off, setting some standards for yourself and telling her you can not stay if the two of you continue to be defensive, resentful, or non-communicative in a healthy, loving, discovering, healing way...

[EmotionalCreature]

Blender, I like what you say about whether or not to stay in a relationship with someone that's not willing to work on issues. At the end, we all have issues, and if the partner is not willing to even make an effort to work on issues, it usually explains a lot about how much the person values the relationship.

 

What therapy can I seek for myself? If I have already made an effort and the other person is not willing to? As in therapy to try to stay in a sexless, passionless, feeling undesired, no intimacy kind of relationship?

 

I am planning to tell her an hour or two that I want to talk but without saying what it is about, just to give her time to get in the mood instead of out-of-the-blue conversation.

 

Help me out here please people.

[EmotionalCreature]

Well, I've just went and told her that I have something to talk to her about in about an hour tonight, if she doesn't mind. I did it in a polite, calm, and communicative manner.

 

Then I got the usual phrase "I don't feel like talking, I don't feel like doing anything.." that made me feel like I am not her priority, understandably, she had a rough day. But I saw no efforts coming from her like "Is it important honey? If not can we talk about it tomorrow" or the like.

 

Most time I feel like I am being pushed away when I try to make things right. I hate to admit that I feel like I am drifting away because I love her so much and have been making efforts all the way along whether she sees it or not.

[MrCrazy2u]

It usually has nothing to do with "physical desire" or even about YOU..it's just something she is going through, and you are not a 'wuss"..

 

I kind of doubt that. I was seriously in a VERY similar situation last year. I basically devoted everything in my life to this one girl and she knew it. She had me wrapped around her finger and MAYBE once a month she would actually want to have sex... who wants something when they can have it whenever they feel like it. If you've never been in a situation like that just think about dating... when you get a girls number and she just calls you everyday the whole thing just starts getting boring (for me anyway) and I move on to someone else.

 

I'm really not sure how to explain getting out of the "doormat" role while you're still in the relationship. For me, everything came afterward when I realized I had relied on my ex to keep me happy and so I had to find out the hard way that the only person I can rely on for my own happiness is MYSELF. I went to counseling for 3 months after the breakup and it helped a lot, but I think more than anything it was just good to have an un-biased ear listening to me. I had to rely a lot on anger to get me out of the doormat role and the things I did I would NOT suggest doing while you're in the relationship... It's hard breaking through a wall you only know is there because of what people tell you. You have to see that wall yourself and know that it's going to be hard and painful to break through it, but also know there's a much happier and much more fulfilling relationship on the other side.

 

I would suggest going to therapy yourself for a few sessions to understand why you act the way you do in this relationship and to find out what you can do to ease yourself out of it. One thing you must do if you don't do already is start hanging out with friends a lot more, join some clubs or start investing some time into some hobbies... for example, I love skydiving and I'm also gonna start pursuing my private pilot's license soon. You have to be happy with YOUR life before you can try to be happy in a relationship or else you just end up relying on the other person for YOUR own happiness, and that's not right.

 

Then I got the usual phrase "I don't feel like talking, I don't feel like doing anything.." that made me feel like I am not her priority, understandably, she had a rough day. But I saw no efforts coming from her like "Is it important honey? If not can we talk about it tomorrow" or the like.

 

Most time I feel like I am being pushed away when I try to make things right. I hate to admit that I feel like I am drifting away because I love her so much and have been making efforts all the way along whether she sees it or not.

 

Believe me, I had that conversation several times with my ex... and her response was the same everytime, "I don't wanna talk about it, I'm just stressed out." There were several times when she agreed to go to counseling, but thinking about it and doing it are two completely different things. For a while (1.5 years) she saw nothing wrong with our relationship... she looked at our horrible sex life and just thought it was her birth control or that she just developed some hatred towards sex. It was neither one of those things... she had a bad case of depression and she had me wrapped around her finger and like I said, you rarely tend to want something you can have all the time. Whether she knew it consciously or not I'm not sure.

[Locke2121]

Then I got the usual phrase "I don't feel like talking, I don't feel like doing anything.." that made me feel like I am not her priority, understandably, she had a rough day.

 

*sigh* Ok, see that? You just became the doormat. I know its hard after you've had a rough day...but this is something that NEEDS to be discussed. What you should have said, in a calm but controlled manner is, "I'm sorry, but this is something that must be disscussed. Why don't you go take a hot bath to relax a little and we'll talk when your done?"

 

See, that shows her that YOUR in control, but you still feel for her. You want her to be comfortable, but your not taking no for an answer.

 

Now, try it again...and remember, calm and controlled. Like the other poster said, don't reacte, just acknowledge and go on.

[Beec]

The first statement is somewhat the thing I agree with you, sadly. When you talking about confronting and backing down, what do you suggest that I do? Most times sticking up usually escalate into arguments and days of silence.

 

So what. Really, Let her argue, yell, scream, swear and keep you in silence. These are the things she does to control you. Do not elt them control you.

 

She does not want a man she can control, but that does not mean she won't try to do it. A man is not controlled because his woman won't talk to him. He does what is right, tries to see when he has been wrong and correct his wrongs, and he does not and should not allow her emotional tactics control him. Let her control you, and you are, and YOU ARE BEING WUSS. She has taken away you balls and you need to take them back. Why would a woman want to have sex with a man who has no balls.

 

However, I still stick by my earlier advice. Withdraw, treat her as a roommate alone, be more independent, and then, after a short while. begin to show her a guy with balls.

 

If you really want to know what talking does, talking about things is you telling her that she has to change. The person who says "We need to work on our relationship" is really telling the other person to change. She does not want to change for a wuss she can control.

 

If you try to change everything overnight, then she will laugh at you. Get some room, get some independence, act like you do not need her, then begin to work making her want to change.

[heloladies21]

When you talking about confronting and backing down, what do you suggest that I do? Most times sticking up usually escalate into arguments and days of silence.

Well let me give you an example. If I wanted to address an issue like you tried doing with your girl earlier and she gave me an answer like "I don't want to talk about it right now", I'd immediately call her out on her behavior, even to the point of laying the relationship on the line. Think about it, your girl basically told you "I don't care about you." If she told you this straight out, wouldn't you get thoughts about dumping her? I would break up with her straight out on the spot by saying something like "Listen, we need to talk about this right now because this is important, but if you're don't care enough to talk then we're both wasting our time in this relationship." If she still doesn't talk, then you have to dump her and get out of the relationship because you're in it with someone who doesn't care about you. If she does want to talk, then you have her attention. Remember that she can't control her sex drive, so the discussion has to be more than just a talk about that. The real problem is that you feel she has emotionally drifted so you need to know her true intentions in the relationship.

 

I know you've probably never dumped anyone in your entire life, but if you don't show any kind of willingness to walk away and stick up for yourself, you show the girl that you don't care. So no more being patient and giving her time to work through things, no giving her time and space, drastic times call for drastic measures. I've done the apathy route many time, limiting contact, acting aloof, it's a quick way to get dumped.

[Beec]

So no more being patient and giving her time to work through things, no giving her time and space, drastic times call for drastic measures. I've done the apathy route many time, limiting contact, acting aloof, it's a quick way to get dumped.

 

Apathy? You're right in that apathy won't work. Carefree works, not apathy. Happy, not indifferent.

 

It will never work to get a woman, but to get her back, one can do as follows. First, treat a woman like she is nothing but a good friend, be nice, agree, no fights, but at the same time, do what you want. For example, when she asks you to do something, you can agree to do it, then if you feel like it forget it. When she asks again, agree, forget. Now, you should also do things for her, but not be a servant. Take care fo what you normally should take care of, but not much more. Be pleasant, appear pliant, do not conform. At the same time, ask for nothing from her. Get your own food, do your laundry, cleaning, etc., be independent.

Do things for her, let her rely on you, do not rely on her.

 

Also, find new things to do with yourself too. Get in shape, work out, change workouts, take up a new sport, read more, spend time in another room. This should not appear as if you are avoiding her, just that you have other things to do. If she thinks you are avoiding her, it won't work. If she asks to spend more time with you, agree to it, tell her you need to do that, but then complain about how busy you are.

 

After a short while, begin to look at her as a piece of meat that you see naked beneath you, getting it hard. You can not even like sex that way, but look at her as if that is what you see. It's more of an acting job then an intent, and you need to feel confidence to do it. So, you need to be doing the things that give you confidence before hand.

 

If nothing changes, DROP the hammer. Do what heloladies suggest, Have it out, and if she is not willing to change some things, pack a bag and have her mvoe out, if you can. Or you move out.

[anggrace]

I disagree. I think its a nice attempt at making her happy. These are the things many women b* about not getting. I know I would appreciate it.

[EmotionalCreature]

Well sure, you went for counseling for 3 months after the break up. I don't want to break up / divorce, and if I am a wuss or if I am the problem I want to fix it, its not necessary to get a divorce or lose my wife first is it?