Trusting each other - how?

[Karibo]

hiya

 

I have been with my bf for 4 months. I was previously in an abusive relationship where i was cheated on repeatedly and my current bf was dumped for someone else. Now this means we both have trust issues.

 

Basically he doesn't trust me when i go out without him because i get alot of male attention and he thinks he's ugly and "not good enough" for me.

 

I find it hard to trust him when i see him with his female friends. He has been friends with them for years and is naturally a very friendly guy who is popular with everyone.

 

He is always respectful to me, keeps his word, offers his understanding etc. I once told him i had glimpsed some photos of girls on his phone and he was insistent that he showed me and they turned out to be just commercial pics of models. He seemed really shocked that my ex cheated on me and before he found that out had told each other we'd never cheat emotionally or physically as long as we are together.

 

How do we go about trusting each other more when we are scared of getting hurt? And why is he so flirty/friendly with his female friends (not infront of me, but from photos ive seen, which once he showed me either because he didn't realise it might look bad or because he wanted to test if i reacted to see if i do actually like him)?

[rose2summer]

I see a red flag here:

 

Why is he telling/showing you how flirty he is with his female friends?

 

Knowing that you have a rocky past, that is very inconsiderate of him.

 

I would definitely confront him and tell him you do NOT want to play the jealousy games.

 

You deserve far better than that.

 

How can you trust? You need to get all these spiderwebs out first.

 

You need to tell him to eliminate the games.

 

Then watch his behavior and I think you will slowly learn to trust again.

 

It's hard but with time and his appropriate behavior, you will allow yourself to.

 

Hugs, Rose

[Karibo]

Well to be honest he only showed me one picture and im not sure if he even realised id be jealous coz he said he sees her like a sister and it's true, on her myspace she had a pic of him saying 'my brother!' and we talked about it and he tried to reassure me. The other photos i saw were from his friend's myspace pages and the photos look quite old. Still, it doesn't help with my paranoia.

[rose2summer]

Well in that case, since he sees her as a sister and she writes brother,

 

I think you can be reassured they have a platonic relationship.

 

I know it's hard to trust especially after what you had to deal with.

 

But you are only hurting yourself by letting this get to you.

 

I think your best approach right now is to write down your fears.

 

Do you fear being cheating on?

 

If so, how are you going to deal with that?

 

What makes you believe that all men cheat?

 

I think once you get to the cores of these questions, then you can truly heal and battle the little inner insecurities that we all have, but yours seem to be getting the most of you right now.

 

Hugs, Rosee

[Karibo]

Thank you. That is very helpful. I will definetly do that. I really don't want to look back and see that our relationship ended due to my insecurities clouding me from the truth. Thank you

[mintblossom]

Trust isn't forced. It just grows naturally.

[JimmerJammer]

Karibo,

 

Trust is an intricate thing in which to trust one another means you make the choice to give yourself freely to the other on the basis that the other not abuse that trust.

 

Because in essense what it entails is two people being aware that they can

give into their desires at anytime with anyone and its their choice. Trust is a choice because when we trust someone its under the assumption that "I know that I CAN go out and cheat on them with someone else but there's something about this person that's worth holding onto and the risk of losing them weighs far greater than the one night of passion or running off with them until the next person comes around."

 

That's just one example because think about it. Where does it end. What if this person does cheat on you? It leaves you only where you feel you are. If them ever cheating on you means your life is over, then that's it. If you feel that them cheating on you makes it out like your worthless and don't deserve that placement, then saving ones dignity and moving on is the best option for that scenario. It really depends on your ability to handle what comes after the trust is broken that determines the strength of the trust you have for the other person and the other aspect to trust is the one where you realize what it is about this person that is worth holding on to and fighting for and why it would be foolish on your part to carelessly risk it all away through insecurity and pre-emptive accusations.

 

I mean there are things that are out of our control when it comes to whether or not the other person stays with us, but why needlessly go out of your way to ensure that outcome by doing something so selfish and inconsiderate and disrespectful and hurtful and deceiptful as cheating or by being insecure and paranoid.

[Karibo]

Thanks people. I am feeling much better today. I am realising it's just my paranoia and that worrying wouldn't help anyway - worrying would probably just cause the problems. Maybe I have just been searching for excuses to back away from the relationship because im scared. But i am definitely stopping this now becaue it is soo counter-productive.

[trash mail]

trust requires an extent of risk. Accept the risk that you will get hurt and you can then work on building trust.

[kungfuAdam]

I think we've all experienced the same problem at one time or another. I think you will find that there will be more pain involved in constant doubt than there would be to just trust someone and be deceived once (if that ever actually happens). The truth is that it's difficult to trust someone and relationships are strange in that two people who start out as complete strangers (usually) are trying their best to trust each other. It takes time to gather trust. In the meantime you'll have to have faith.

 

Remember that you aren't really risking anything by having faith in someone aside from maybe your pride if you turn out to be wrong about this person. If you are wrong in the end and you've at least held up on your end of the deal you can walk away feeling good about yourself, knowing that you gave it your best shot. Most of the time you'll be missed.

 

The worst case scenario is that he finds someone he likes more than you or vice versa. This is unlikely but if it happens there's nothing that can be done about it. You can't prevent it and you can't change it after the fact and if it happens someone will get hurt but life does go on and you will get over it and be good as new at some point. Trying to prevent it is only going to ruin what you have right now.

 

In other words, enjoy what you have right now and don't ruin it with worries. It sounds like he loves you very much and that's all that really matters. When that's gone you can start worrying.

[Karibo]

Thank you so much for the advice. Yesterday I knew he was going to his sister's party and I knew alot of his girl mates would be there and I didn't feel worried at all! I just got on with my own business and it felt great!