Girlfriend just called and said she can't be in a relationship right now

[HyruleGuardian]

Her school work is piling up, her family life is bad, she's got college ahead of her, the ACT's, and she has a pap exam coming up that will determine if her HPV has cleared up or not. She told me just now that she needs to take a break and get her life sorted out before she can have any sort of relationship. She told me it's nothing I did but it's everything going on in her life right now. That she really likes me and doesn't want to do it, but felt like she had to. She wants to try and do it single. She then said that after her stuff is sorted out, then she can think about a relationship again. Then she said she had to get off the phone to go do something, but to call her back later if I want. She'd understand if I didn't want to.

 

I told her I understand where she's coming from and everything, but I'm completely bummed out. I'm crying right now because I don't know what this means. Is this a break up or just time off? I was going to call her tonight and tell her I loved her. Wow this is messed up.

 

What should I say when I call her back?

[chickidee23]

I know it is painful but the best thing you can do and the best way to show her you love her is to respect her decision. Let her be the one to call you or at least give her a few weeks before you call her. She is going through a very hard time and the last thing she needs is for you to call her and tell her you miss her and that you love her- it will only stress her out.

 

And from what she says, it sounds like this is just a break. Just hang in there and be strong for both of you by giving her the time and space she needs.

[blender]

Breathe, relax, and try to "accept her at her word"... and the most powerful and attractive thing for you to do right now, is to "leave her alone".. get busy with your own life, cry, cry, write on here, breathe, go for a walk, but do not contact her, respect her words and feelings even if it was not what you wanted to hear..

 

FATE has a way of not always giving us what we "want" but it does provide exactly what we "need". Even if we might need some "heartache" to grow, learn, accept, and rise above the disappointment, these are all qualities to develop in yourself.

 

It's going to feel like walking through emotional cement for a while, but you will get stronger, for today, just for today, try not to "re-act to your feelings by contacting her" instead have the gather up all your courage and just "feel your feelings on your own"... work through them, do NOT reach out to her right now, trust that it is more mature, respectful, healing and attractive to respect her needing "space" and to let go for a bit.. one day at a time.. keep writing here, we've all been through it, and can help you through those "urges to contact"..... they do pass..just breathe, let go... and let god

[HyruleGuardian]

I know it is painful but the best thing you can do and the best way to show her you love her is to respect her decision. Let her be the one to call you or at least give her a few weeks before you call her. She is going through a very hard time and the last thing she needs is for you to call her and tell her you miss her and that you love her- it will only stress her out.

 

And from what she says, it sounds like this is just a break. Just hang in there and be strong for both of you by giving her the time and space she needs.

 

Shouldn't I still be there for her as a friend though? She wants me to call her back tonight to talk. I was basically going to tell her that I'll always be here for you if you want to talk, just remember that.

 

I just don't think I can handle something like this right now. She's been stressed out and so have I, but I just haven't told her. This is really hitting me deep.

[sidehop]

Shouldn't I still be there for her as a friend though? She wants me to call her back tonight to talk. I was basically going to tell her that I'll always be here for you if you want to talk, just remember that.

 

I just don't think I can handle something like this right now. She's been stressed out and so have I, but I just haven't told her. This is really hitting me deep.

 

You don't want to hear this but you're making excuses for yourself to be with her. She made that decision she doesn't want to be with you at this point. Not only it'll make it more harder on you to see her because you want her back but also if you do step over that boundary you will push her away guaranteed.

 

I know it will be very difficult but if it helps, write out your emotions, cry if you have to but don't contact her. You have to give her time to think and let her decide. Hang in there.

[blender]

It's mature, realistic, respectful and healthy to set some boundaries and be there for YOURSELF right now... she's made a choice to not committ to working on the relationship and to continue it, so the most powerful and attractive thing for you to do is to "accept her words", and let her be "emotionally responsbile" for her choice.

 

If you do not "remove yourself from the situtation" and you choose to now define yourself as a "buddy who's there to listen" then just know that you water down the OPPORTUNITY for her to "discover any authentic feelings she may have for as as the MAN in her life"...

 

You're still too emotionally vulnerable right now to be "there as a friend" it's not "sincere, it's not fulfilling, it's not honest" it's just an "urge, a desperate urge" to somehow hang on in hope that it might make her "want to still be in your life".. but that's usually not the way to go about it, it's not self respecting or classy... but yes, it's very difficult to "let go" and set some standards/values for your own heart, but if you don't do this, then why would she have value for your heart in the long run?

 

For today, it might be best for you to have "no contact".. just take time to think "honestly" about her "choice" to end the relationship as you know it... don't rush into "redifine" it so you can ease your own loss, or alleviate her guilt or sense of wanting to just "lean on you a bit"... think it all through..take your time.. breathe, cry, think.... let go for today...

[Jayar]

I wouldn't call her back. She wants you there as a friend (like many dumpers do) to make sure that you're always there. They may not want you, but they don't want you to forget/move on either because that doesn't make them feel very good.

 

The only words you should entertain from her are "I want to try again" (if you do). This will facilitate your healing.

 

For what it's worth, if I've ever been with someone I truly cared about, I'd want them WITH me through it. They'd be the bright spot in my horribly busy life, which would be a life that was never too full for them. Think about what you want if/when she decides she's ready to entertain you again.

 

All the best!

[Locke2121]

Just stay away from her. If she needs a friend, she'll get one. It may be you or someone else, but thats HER decision. Stay strong and start to live your life for yourself for now.

[zippitt]

I just posted something similar, my GF wants to at least stick to dating, but for

me it's pointless because I see her about once every two weeks. I am about to call it off with her depending on this how this weekend goes.

 

How does this relate to you?

 

Well in two ways, first it's not fair to stress her out by trying to get her attention, and trust me, when she gives you none you will be doing things that will add to her stress. And secondly, you owe it to yourself to spend your time that way you deserve. You do not need to be sitting around thinking about what she's doing or where she is. That energy should be instead spent entirely on yourself.

[HyruleGuardian]

The thing is with this relationship, my girlfriend's cousin is my sister's friend. They live together. So I probably will still see her every now and then. We also go to the same church together and everything.

 

It's really going to be hard not to come in contact with her.

[Wandering_Sword]

I agree with the others. Give her the space she's asking for and try to go about your own business. Don't try to over analyze the situation or try doing things that you think she might like. Just stay away and let her come to you. She asked for space to do her things, the only thing you can do is respect that. Keep strong and we're here for you.

[heloladies21]

Excuses...No matter what she says to you, the only reason she wants "time off" from you is that this is really a break up in disguise. The only reason she's blaming it on everything else is because she doesn't want to feel the guilt of hurting your feelings too harsh by saying the truth "I'm not interested in you anymore."

 

She has lost interest in you, which is alright. I've been following you quite closely on here and I saw it coming, but the good thing is that now you'll be able to attack the heart of the problem so you can start having successful relationships in the future. It all has to do with building up your self esteem and your ability to stick up for yourself.

Shouldn't I still be there for her as a friend though? She wants me to call her back tonight to talk. I was basically going to tell her that I'll always be here for you if you want to talk, just remember that.

One thing to remember is that the "friends" route has proven 100% ineffective to get back your ex. I haven't seen it work once in situations like yours.

 

You need to cut contact asap so your emotions can cool and then you'll be in a better position to deal with the situation. But the harsh reality of the situation is that once things have gotten to this point, there's no going back. Break ups are for real and in situations like yours they are the end of the relationship.

[blender]

"friends" are authentic and sincere in their wanting what you want in your own life, and for right now you want something "different" for her, then she wants for herself, right? You want her to want you as a boyfriend..and for today that is not what she is making an intentional effort to have in her life.. respect this, let go..just for today.

 

Because for today you are not emotionally capable of being an "authentic friend" to her, (without a deeper intent of wanting her back as more) and that's very normal, because you are still emotionally vulnerable.. so take time to heal, separate your feelings from the facts, breathe, cry, let go.. grow, learn, be proud of yourself for respecting her choice, and take care of you for today.

[HyruleGuardian]

I had a long talk with heloladies on AIM about this, and I realize what I have to do now. She called me back tonight asking me how I was feeling, and I told her that I'm bummed out, but I understand where she's coming from. She told me that she just can't be in a serious relationship right now until she fixes her emotions. I said I understand again, and that I'll always be here when and if she's ready. I also said I'm still always here to talk if she wants, and she said she'll call me back tomorrow.

 

Well, I realize now that I can't be a friend for her. When she calls back tomorrow I'm going to tell her bluntly that I can't talk to her without wanting more. It's too hard for me. That when she's ready to be in a relationship again, she can call me.

 

I'm not going to let this bring me down anymore. I need to get her out of my mind. If she wants a relationship again, then that's great and she can call me when she's ready. If not, then I'll move on. Right now I'm just going to try and get my life back in order while she does the same. I've been stressed out of my mind and it's time I do something for myself for once.

 

I'm coming out of this not looking at it as a negative, but a positive for me to grow as a person.

 

Thank you guys for all the great advice. I'll keep you updated on the situation.

[heloladies21]

Good, there's hope for you. Do whatever it takes to make your life the one you want to live. From this point forward, you are in control of how your life turns out. Friends, money, girls, all of it is within your grasp if you are willing to take the steps to make it happen.

 

I know you've had some rough aspects of your life so far, but this is the time to let all of that go. Because no matter what you've been through, you can always bounce back and make things better than they've ever been before.

[HyruleGuardian]

Just to update the situation...I had trouble sleeping last night. I tried to put her out of my mind but it was hard, and I woke up several times thinking of her. I know I need to stop this.

 

But anyways, when I was driving to school this morning she called me on my cell saying how terrible she felt and everything. She was crying saying how much breaking up has added to her stress. I basically told her again that I understand where she's coming from, and just get your stuff together. Don't feel terrible. That if it's meant to be, she can come back to me when she's ready. But for now I really can't talk about it, because there's no use in dwelling on it. She kept crying but I told her to settle down. This basically went on for another 5 minutes until I had to go to class.

 

I'm trying to stay strong, but it seems like she's trying to suck me back in to be a friend.

[Dubb]

You really need to get away from her man. My ex pulled this stuff on me. Like a nice guy I kept trying to be there for her. I finally realized she dumped me!!! Don't be her support. You need to read posts from Super Dave if you have not. I would tell her you need time to yourself too. Go NC and see how you feel a few weeks from now. If you continue to talk to her it will only confuse you and hurt you more.

[blender]

Yes, take care of you right now, you have not "added to her stress" she made a choice, and that should be respected not only by you, but by HER.

 

Try not to accept any more contact, get busy with your own life, remember you started this thread with "girlfriend said she's not ready for relationship now"... So, it's time for you to start your healing process..sadness, acceptance, celebrating YOU and the many wonderful things ahead in YOUR life.

 

it's time for her to live within the consequences of HER choice to end this relationship, tell her "again", as difficult as it is YOU are respecting her choice, and you are asking her to respect yours..of "no contact" until or unless she "discovers authentic feelings and wants to make a sincere loving effort to work on the relationship as a couple" then she may contact you.

 

You have to TELL YOURSELF, that it is not healthy for you or loving to just be around to alleviate her guilt (stress) about HER choice..or to alleviate her "curiosity" that you're just going to be "there" whenever she has a weak moment about HER choice...

 

unless she has the OPPORTUNITY to live with the consequences of HER choice, (ie: losing you in her life) she might never have a chance to "discover authentic feelings"...

 

trust that if you start to define yourself as a "shoulder to cry on type of "buddy"... it removes the "opportunity to discover authentic feelings and to set a standard and value on your own heart". And this will also delay your own "healing and acceptance".

 

Just for today, "no more contact"... then do it for one more day, let her "feel her feelings" without YOU there to "alleviate" them in the moment..

 

Because "allowing contact at this time" will only give her and yourself an 'emotional fix for the moment" instead of letting HER "feel the consequence of her choice"..

 

each time you have contact right now, you set yourself back a bit, (right?) yet you set her "feeling reassured" that it's okay for her to break your heart and then use you to nurture hers... that's not healthy for either of you..

 

For today, remember she's made a choice to end the relationship as you wanted it.. and that it's not self respecting for you in your time of "emotional vulnerablity" to be used as a "shoulder to cry on" when your own heart has been broken...

 

let go with love and kindness for YOURSELF, and so SHE might have the opportunity to "discover through the consequences of her choice (no longer having YOU there) that she might actually miss YOU, want YOU, find out that she would like to "be with YOU"... but for now, any contact removes that "opportunity of discovery".. and any contact right now also "prolongs your own healing process" should that discovery not be made...

 

NC is healing, healthy, respectful, and self respecting. NC is saying to her: "you've made a choice, I respect it, now you can live within this choice (meaning without me in your life), and I can go about my own discovery and healing, so know that I love you and hope you will find what you are looking for.. if it should lead us back to each other, wonderful, if not, then I know we will both find authentic love again either way".

[GoldersGreen]

You really need to get away from her man. My ex pulled this stuff on me. Like a nice guy I kept trying to be there for her. I finally realized she dumped me!!! Don't be her support. You need to read posts from Super Dave if you have not. I would tell her you need time to yourself too. Go NC and see how you feel a few weeks from now. If you continue to talk to her it will only confuse you and hurt you more.

 

I absolutely agree with Dubb. This happened to me recently. He did the whole "break" thing, calling me up and then saying we should talk about things when they settled. When in reality it was PAR-TAY time with him and all his mates and he'd done himself the favour of getting off the hook by spinning me a white lie so I wouldn't be so suss. As for the call to talk it through? Well, one month on, I'm NOT waiting!!!

 

It's really hard to see the situation for what it is when you are in love with someone but REALLY, you must read SuperDave's posts as they are crystal clear about the reality of yours, mine and many other people's situations.