Rleationships and independence

[emma34]

So my sister and I were having a chat today about relationships and we sort of hit a dispute. the conversation stopped there but it really got me thinkin.

 

im the kind of girl who has almost always been in relationships. its no secret i crave a certain intimacy, whether it is a boyfriend or a best friend. i moved to a new city and i dont have many friends here so i hang out wit my boyfriend quite a bit. my sister on the other hand is 7 years older than me and has never really had a serious relationship to date. she enjoys her independence and since ive recently moved in with her - its become quite obvious she has small trouble 'letting others in' as she put it.

 

the thing is - she obviously thinks that my 'needing other ppl' (as she put it) is a flaw or weakness. it made me think because ive at times thought myself that i wish i wasn't so dependent on my boyfriend to spend time with - but the truth is other than my few friends from back home, i just don't have anyone much else in my life - and why spend all my weekends alone right?

i don't see how being independent will make me a better person?

 

She also mentioned how ' look at our cousin and her boyfriend...they are totally independent of each other ' (referring i think how they barely see eachother because of their busy work schedules) and then i said ' now, how can u be toally independent of anyone? ' in which she went 'pffft'

 

thoughts please.

[EvaGina]

I think there is a healthy balance.

she probably shuts people out, which isnt good, but NEVER having any time to yourself is bad for you as well.

[Batya33]

I think you can spend a lot of time with a significant other and still be an independent person. It simply depends if you are a needy and dependent person. Being on your own doesn't mean you are necesarily independent - being independent means being able to take care of yourself, feeling stable and good about that, having your own opinions and values that don't change with what other people think, etc.

 

I love my alone time -- I don't see my boyfriend so that I won't be alone, I see him because we have a good time together. Same for him.

[Daligal83]

I think it's good to have a mixture of both. I think when you are in a relationship, it's good to be integrated into each other's lives, but to an extent. Having a life outside of your SO is also very important. Having a girls night, taking a class on your own, etc. Not only does it strengthen your relationship, but I think that it just gives you guys more to talk about. I mean if you do everything together, what's left to talk about?

 

I know how hard it is to move to a new place and meet new people, so I can understand why you are only hanging out with your boyfriend right now. But do you think you could find a way to meet some new people? Join a gym, take a class, maybe some of your boyfriend's friends have some really good girlfriends.

[Batya33]

Yes, it's a really good feeling when you're out without your S.O. and think "oh, I can't wait to tell him [whatever is going on]"

[annie24]

emma - I merged your threads together.

[trash mail]

my theory is this, you ca have many 'friends'(acquaintances) or you can have a few good friends. I would choose a few good friends over many acquaintances. Good friends are hard to make, it takes time, effort and commitment none of which is possible if you have many acquaintances.

Everyone has their own way in life and there is not a right or wrong. It is a personal choice. I say do what feels right to you, remember, it is not a black and white answer, it is somewhere in the grey area.

As for relationships, my feeling is you can never be truly independent in a committed relationship, but you know that you are able to function independently.