Trusting your Girlfriend

[Blinking101]

Alright I have really do trust me girlfriend but lately I been rethinking that. I will make this in points so it is easier to answer my questions.

 

1. People at my school I go to it’s my last year (3 months till I’m out) anyway people at my school have been saying rumors that my girlfriend made out with this guy behind my back. And about 5 people have told me this. I have asked my girlfriend over and over again and she said she never liked him and she did not make out with him at all. I have asked her again on other days and I get the same answer. I don’t know if its people just trying to start stuff or not. But I asked her last night and she said don’t ask me again I am getting tired of answering that same question over and over again. So I said alright. Now is she telling the truth? I trust her and I have told her many times if she needs to get something off her chest just tell me now before I find out later, It’s better to hurt me now then later. And she said I have nothing on my chest. So I believe her.

 

2. Hard headed, Well she is very hard headed it’s either her opinion or no opinion. Now she is about to turn 18 and she wants to get a tattoo well 3. Small ones on her hips. I told her I don’t mind her getting a tattoo or anything but I really do mind. She said something about her getting a lip ring and that is where I draw the line, I am not kissing a load of metal, but you know she’s hard headed and I told her that I don’t want her to get a lip ring and she’s like I’ll do what ever. But I know work places and stuff will not tolerate body piercing so if she does get on it won’t last for long correct?

 

3. Marriage, We have talked about this a lot and lately I been second thinking it because I am not sure yet after a lot has been going on if she is the one to marry. But how do you know exactly when and if you should marry them?

 

4. Controlling she says I am a bit controlling and trying to control her life. Well maybe I am but should I? Her parents are not really even parents they don’t teach her the rights and wrongs, they are just lazy. So I try to teach her the rights and wrongs but is this something I should continue to do or not?

[honeyspur]

Well hon, I'll tell you - although I understand your anxiety - unless you have proof of some kind, you can't start getting overly paranoid about this. You really are past the point of being suspicious since she told you she didn't a few times. If you aren't careful, she might get more distant, feeling like you don't trust her.

 

As for marrying - if you are feeling any doubt AT ALL, you should wait. Talking about marriage is good because you both get ideas about what you want, but it's ok to just talk about it for a few years before you do it. Don't let her pressure you.

 

Lastly, from what you posted, it sounds like you need to be more upfront about what's on your mind. For example, you don't really want her to get the tattoo, but you told her you didn't mind. This is a trap you have set up for yourself. Don't fall for the trap. Speak out about how you feel.

She will probably still go get one - but that's not the point.

A real, loving, tight, lasting relationship will last even if the couple doesn't always agree. Start living this way and you will find out how serious she is.

She may just need someone who speaks their mind, but does not try to stand in her way.

And always remember - there is nothing wrong with your opinion - so don't let her get you too riled up just because you disagree with her.

[Honey Pumpkin]

Hi there,

 

Well, as I see it, only the first of your FOUR points were actually about trust. Which is quite interesting, really.

 

Tattoos and lips rings That's a choice thing, I guess. I agree that lip rings aren't attractive, but that's just MY opinion. I wouldn't have a boyfriend talk me into getting something or out of it. But it's not a trust issue.

 

Marriage How do you KNOW who is the 'right' one? I don't know. And I think if someone came up with a test, then they would be a millionaire! But that's not a trust issue either, is it?

 

 

Controlling she says I am a bit controlling and trying to control her life. Well maybe I am but should I? Her parents are not really even parents they don’t teach her the rights and wrongs, they are just lazy. So I try to teach her the rights and wrongs but is this something I should continue to do or not?

 

And this was your fourth point - and again, it's not about trust. But I think that she might have a valid point. How do you know that you are right? How do you know she's not right? How would you feel if your partner was going to show you the error of your ways, and teach you the 'right' way to live?

 

Sorry, I don't mean to be harsh, but I think this is not really about trust, is it? It's about trying to control your girlfriend, and steer her decisions. I know you're doing it from love, but you need to think about your actions, or you may risk driving her away.

 

Talk about point one (the making out issue), but she has answered you about that. But also think about how you guys communicate, and how you can make it better.

 

Good luck.

[Blinking101]

A real, loving, tight, lasting relationship will last even if the couple doesn't always agree. Start living this way and you will find out how serious she is. She may just need someone who speaks their mind, but does not try to stand in her way.

 

 

What do you mean by that? She tells me every day she wants to be with me for ever and all. Like last night for example: Her and I where having sex (She's my first and I'm her first) and she just stops and is like "I love you so much, I want to be with you forever" and I replied I love you too and want to be with you. Then I was like will you marry me in the future not right now but we can talk about it but later in the future, And she's like yes. So those right their are good signs I just need to trust her a little bit more.

 

She's told me over and over again she will NEVER cheat on me because I was cheated on before from my ex-girlfriend and my girlfriend right now was cheated on before and she was in a semi-abusive relationship. She said she is going to go spend the summer with her best friend that she left behind when she moved down where I live and she told me just to trust her nothing will do on and that I can trust her. Her friend is a girl so thats good. She's told me that she is so happy with me and that I have changed her life from the bad to the good.

 

I can't tell her what not to do or anything like that but she knows my standards and where I draw the line at.

 

But if I do have a opinion or disagree with something I can't just let her run all over me. I have to stand up and speak my mind. She's very hard headed its her opinion or no opinion, her way or no way. But I can deal with it she's been through a lot in her past and I've helped her correct the ways she messed up. But it just gets on my nerves when she won't listen to me about stuff.

[agent1607307371]

 

4. Controlling she says I am a bit controlling and trying to control her life. Well maybe I am but should I? Her parents are not really even parents they don’t teach her the rights and wrongs, they are just lazy. So I try to teach her the rights and wrongs but is this something I should continue to do or not?

 

She's a person not an animal to train. Fact is if you try to control her because you think it's right, you shouldn't be in the relationship with her. If she doesn't accept the same things as you or behave as you want her to behave then she is not the person you want.

 

As for the lip rings, you have a right to your opinion but it's her body and she can only take your feelings into account and then do what she see's fit.

 

Also, if you trusted her, you wouldn't put any stock in what these other people are saying. Rumours have a life of their own and hardly ever are the truth. They have a way of becoming distorted.

[JimmerJammer]

Welcome to relationships!

 

I hope you enjoy the stay. Please remember to leave all baggage behind for it may cause the relationship to grind to a hault or possibly derail. Ok all jokes aside there are some things I want to point out to you in hopes it makes sense a little more.

 

From my experience all this sort of stuff is normal. Yes guys are known to say things, especially when they are jealous of the fact that you have someone they want or merely are jealous of the fact you are IN a relationship. This is where the matter of importance and boundaries come in. Where do you see it in this relationship? Where do you allow things to come in and hurt you? If you trust her and it turns out that you were right in trusting her and nothing DID happen, you'll remain healthy. Yet if you badger her about the subject and you end up being wrong about it, she has full right to be mad at you and begin to wonder if this will be a pattern (i.e. - will he believe anything anyone says about me especially when its a lie?)

 

Now onto the other points, where I feel the difference between being vocal+assertive and being completely outright controlling or evasive is how you approach the situation. Think about the fact that she is an individual who has every right to make a decision for herself, to have her wants and desires all for herself, and its by choice that she allows herself to let another person have influence over her. How do you feel she will handle that influence, by someone telling her it'd be a mistake? By someone telling her she shouldn't do it because THEY don't want her to? Or that as a preference you're not very fond of tattoo's or of lip rings and aren't sure how it will affect your attraction for her, but that you respect that its her choice to make and not yours.

 

As for the mention of marriage, why the need to bring it up so soon? Why make mention like you two will be together when these things are already coming up and creating doubt?? These questions aren't to create doubt or angst, but to help you to re-enforce your love for her and your reasons for wanting to marry this girl. Understand that over time you will be challenged and these challenges are NOT meant as a means to annoy your or frustrate you to say that all time famous line "what do you want?!". Because you miss the point when you think its about them. Its about you and ensuring that your a solid individual. Girls want to make sure that you won't falter, won't lose your ground and yet not be intrusive and end up being a jerk.

 

The way I see what your gf is saying is merely a sign of helping you figure out where your boundaries are and what you are firm with and aren't firm with. As well as seeing how you handle situations. Its not like she's intentionally going out of her way to see how you react to this, but more so that she has a thought she may or may not act on and is expressing it before taking action.

[Goblin]

Shes hard headed because her parents didnt teach her so she depended on her opinions very much and gets her ways often because her parents simply dont care.

 

Guess what? No matter how much she shows she dislike u 'being her parent' teaching whats good or bad, she likes it inside. She just hate to show it because that will make her feel vulnerable and sad.

 

If you do mind abt certain things like her getting a tattoo, be honest w her that u do mind. This will avoid future conflicts. And be firm but be nice as well towards ur girlfriend. That girl needs someone who can stand up for himself and who is stronger than she is.

[Blinking101]

What does that mean? I bolded it.

 

Interesting....

[honeyspur]

I'm just adding something - it is possible your gf does not want to be controlled despite her desire for a strong assertive boyfriend.

I agree with Goblin's point that she wants a guy who will stand up to her - but that doesn't mean she likes to be told what to do.

It is probably likely that she gets enough of that at home and would rather not deal with it in her relationship.

But she does want you to not be bossed around or to be silent about your opinions.

I think finding a balance with that is necessary.

[livinda_vidaloca]

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But how do you know exactly when and if you should marry them?QUOTE]

you know when they are the one for you when you no longer need to ask the question "are they he one for me?"

[EvaGina]

She's a person not an animal to train. Fact is if you try to control her because you think it's right, you shouldn't be in the relationship with her. If she doesn't accept the same things as you or behave as you want her to behave then she is not the person you want.

 

Well said!!

 

What right and wrongs are you talking about?

Do you mean that her parents havnt taught her YOUR values?

 

Her tattoos and piercings are up to her... kissing with a lip ring is fine... I dated an AMAZINGLY straight D&D guy who loved mine once he got used to it.

And a lot of jobs are fine with it as well. Once it heaps she can always take it out for work if her work doesnt like it.