listen to this

[thehatelove]

ok me and my girlfriend have been going out for a year. and a couple days before our first year we were hanging around and we got into deep conversation and i asked her if she had ever cheated on me. and she confessed that she had kissed another guy.

 

i got upset because she knows better and that i wouldnt do that. i asked her what happened and all she said was she hung out with this guy from 11 pm to 3 am and "it just happened. i dont know why" and it didnt make a lot of sese to me

 

i forgave her and i had her promise me not to do stuff like that again because i love her. but the next day she confessed that ever since she was going out with me, she had always wanted to make out with all these guys.

 

i got mad because she never told me until after a year of dating. but now evertime she is going to hang out with a guy or a couple of guys i keep thinking shes going to do it all over again. she even said she doesnt trust herself!

 

she said she doesnt know why she has these feelings and urges to. but she said she doesnt trust herself because she might do it again. well im hurt because i have written and told her that everythings ok and that i believe in her that she wont do it again. but she keeps getting upset

 

why is she like this? is it because shes not used to be dating a guy this long and wants other guys now? i feel like im not worth anything to her but i dont wanna let her go. i dont know what to do at this point.

 

in the back of my mind i keep thinking that she will and i get upset because i want her to only want me. shes been hanging around all these guys, dancing with them, feeling their abs and muscles and what not and im jelouse and upset at the same time.

 

but i dont want to let her go. i want everything to go back to normal.

 

 

any advice?? am i going crazy???

[karvala]

You're not going crazy, but she might be!

 

The good news first: you clearly do mean something to her, and not just something, but far more than any of these guys she talks about. She has an emotional attachment to you, whereas it appears to be primarily physical urges, or at best a desire for the attention, that she has with them. The fact that she has told you, while hurtful, is good in that respect. This means you really should try to work it out between you if you possibly can.

 

The bad news now: the fact that she doesn't trust herself even, means that in reality it is reasonably likely to happen again. It's difficult to see, if she can't find a way to control these urges, how this is going to be prevented or overcome. The only thing I can suggest, and she may be resistant to this, is greatly reducing the amount of time she actually spends around these other guys. If she can't always fight the urges, she can at least try to avoid being in the situation where they can do any harm.

 

Beyond that, you'd have to seriously consider whether you feel strong and secure enough in the relationship to withstand more of these episodes in the future, because unfortunately all the indications are that there will be more of them.

[Jayar]

I dunno, I can honestly say that when I was dating someone I really liked, there was NEVER any urge to be with other guys physically. I understand you don't want to let (your rose coloured image of) her go, but the fact that she doesn't feel the same and is willing to risk losing you one day (because she can't control herself, according to her)... It's a dealbreaker IMO.

 

Just realize that the great girl you think she is is NOT REAL, it is your fabrication of her... Unless of course cheating does factor into your ideal romance?

[Dating Coach]

ok me and my girlfriend have been going out for a year. and a couple days before our first year we were hanging around and we got into deep conversation and i asked her if she had ever cheated on me. and she confessed that she had kissed another guy.

 

That right there is a deal breaker for me. That's a huge violation of trust and to come back from that to what a faithful relationship should be... I don't know if it would be possible.

 

i got upset because she knows better and that i wouldnt do that. i asked her what happened and all she said was she hung out with this guy from 11 pm to 3 am and "it just happened. i dont know why" and it didnt make a lot of sese to me

 

It doesn't make sense because it's an excuse. She knows EXACTLY why it happened. She was attracted to the guy and when the opportunity came she took it. Bottom line. The real question is... what else did she do with him?

 

i forgave her and i had her promise me not to do stuff like that again because i love her.

 

The worst thing you could have done. Why? Because she violated your relationship and trust by cheating. Your next move was to tell her you forgive her and that she shouldn't do it again because you love her. What did you really tell her? You told her she can do it and get away with it. That's what happened. You basically told her that you are so wrapped up in her that she can make out with other guys and you'll still be there for her to fall back on. What makes you think she'll never do it again? You failed the test by forgiving her and taking her back. At this point you end it no matter how hard it is.

 

but the next day she confessed that ever since she was going out with me, she had always wanted to make out with all these guys.

 

Wow. It keeps getting deeper. Ok, so you failed her first test of your self respect and now she's testing you again. She already knows you take her back if she makes out with another guy, but now she's testing your reaction to finding out that she's interested in making out with a bunch of guys. You failed test #2. You've shown her that she can walk all over you and you're still clinging to her. This will end very badly for you I fear.

 

...but now evertime she is going to hang out with a guy or a couple of guys i keep thinking shes going to do it all over again. she even said she doesnt trust herself!

 

No kidding you'll be worried about that because she's admitted to doing it, she's admitted to wanting to do it more, and she's admitted that she's going to do it again. That's what she's saying when she says she can't trust herself. She's telling you she'll do it again.

 

she said she doesnt know why she has these feelings and urges to. but she said she doesnt trust herself because she might do it again. well im hurt because i have written and told her that everythings ok and that i believe in her that she wont do it again. but she keeps getting upset.

 

Don't be blind. She WILL do it again and she's probably done it more than once. Trusting her or overlooking this is the worst thing you can do. Also, she said she doesn't know why she has these feelings? It's because she doesn't love you. Yes, that's true. You love her right? Would you cheat on her or does the thought of it make you ill? That's right. So if she can do this so easily and repeatedly, how can she love you? She can't, and she doesn't.

 

why is she like this? is it because shes not used to be dating a guy this long and wants other guys now? i feel like im not worth anything to her but i dont wanna let her go. i dont know what to do at this point.

 

Unfortunately you're nothing more than someone she likes who is convienient. It's a hard fact to face and I don't expect you to listen but I wish you would. You're value to her is low because you don't even value yourself. Just look at the situation! She's disrespected you and your relationship in the worst way! A self respecting person would realize that this girl has willingly done this and disrespected everything, and because of this she isn't worthy of him. You did the opposite. You showed her that you are so infatuated with her that your self respect and the dignity of your relationship means squat next to how much you covet her. That puts all of the power in her hands and she knows it. She cannot respect you as a person when you aren't respecting yourself. This is why she will continue to do this. Trust me, it will not stop and nothing you say to her will change it. You've already taken her back and let this * * * * slide. To her you've proven to be a pushover.

 

I don't think you'll do the right thing because you're too infatuated, but I hope you do. The right thing to do would be to tell her that she violated the relationship and commited a dealbreaker. This means you are breakingup and that's final. That means it's final as in no matter how much pleading or begging or promising she does, you stick to your guns and move on. I wish you could do this because it's the right thing. This is not a relationship were 2 people are in love. You cannot have enough love for the both of you.

 

in the back of my mind i keep thinking that she will and i get upset because i want her to only want me. shes been hanging around all these guys, dancing with them, feeling their abs and muscles and what not and im jelouse and upset at the same time.

 

You should never have allowed this anyway. That is not something that is acceptable when you are exclusive with someone. I wouldn't do that to my fiance' and I expect the same from her. If it means that much to the person, let them do it but not with you as a boyfriend. Find another pushover that will accept it.

 

but i dont want to let her go. i want everything to go back to normal.

It won't and I doubt it ever was normal. You just were ignorant of the fact that she was doing this behind your back the whole time.

[JimmerJammer]

Or maybe its a sign of something more because I have been seeing a lot of this happening lately. Then again I know I have been going for the girls who get more attention anyways. I mean is it right to go for the girls who get no attention and don't go out and do things at all just because its safe? No, but at the same time hey it sure as heck seems to be the only answer as most girls I know that go drinking, get attention from males and partying, DO THIS STUFF! Play it off like "oh it just happened" or "I was drunk!" or "he gave me drugs" but then when you say "so he took advantage of you!" they'll be like "ohh it wasn't like that or anything."

 

This chick sounds like a real winner man, it also sounds like she doesn't have a clear understanding of your boundaries and of respect. Heck it almost sounds like this girl I was dating and I got so angry with her I expressed how rude and dishonest she was being. I said to her that she may think that she isn't in the wrong but I straight up told her "Hey if I can control myself around attractive women when I'm (sober/drunk/high) then surely you can." or you can just do what my friend said "If you really care about me so much then you'll toss my salad." lol

[ghost69]

she must be young. i noticed that you are 17. i bet she is just really immature. i'm sure you treat her well and show your feelings towards her enough. she doesn't know what she has. you should dust her though and find another. this is not acceptable behavior in my book. she is taking advantage of you.

 

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[TheFoglifter]

I agree with the fact that you pretty much told her she will be forgiven no matter what. Everyone messes up, but there has to be a consequence that is a serious enough deterrent.

 

She probably does like you, and its perfectly natural to be aroused by hot members of the opposite gender -- hell, I'd almost be worried if a girl WASN'T attracted to hot guys. The problem, however, is in the line "I don't know if I trust myself". I think she is trying to lay a foundation for a defense here -- that she doesn't SET OUT to break your trust, but it happens.

 

Now if she is perfectly OK with you kissing other girls and making out and whatever, then maybe there is hope. Unfortunately, you are now in a very bad position -- you are at her mercy. You will forever worry whether or not she is breaking your trust whenever you aren't with her, and you will wonder whether she will admit it. I don't think you will be able to look at her the same way again.

 

I think you should come at this from a position of strength -- tell her that her behavior was totally unacceptable, and you don't want to be with someone you cant trust. She should be working to win back your trust, YOU should NOT be blindly forgiving everything -- especially since the first confession obviously wasn't the whole truth. She's probably gone all the way several times more than she is admitting.

 

Kick her to the curb, and find someone who deserves your love, and hope that your revenge is her losing the best thing she ever had.

[ghost69]

yeah, i'd bounce out.

 

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[MrCrazy2u]

Agreed completely... You failed her tests, you let her get away with the worst thing a person can do to a relationship, and she now has complete and utter control over the relationship unless you stand up on your own two feet and break it off

[ghost69]

i reread the OP. the word 'kiss' sticks out clearly like it did the first time i read it. ding ding. time to go right there. 0 tolerance for this.

[TheFoglifter]

Maybe you could dump her, go fool around with a few girls, then ask her if she'll take you back. If she doesn't, tell her she is a hypocrite (which is already true) because you took her back.

 

This girl is garbage, save yourself.

[ghost69]

what's her #? I will tell you if she is a cheater still or not.

[TheFoglifter]

Hahahahahahah

 

I like that -- sign me up too, I'm happy to help a fella out.

[ghost69]

honestly, you should move on from this girl.

[schizo]

I agree with ghost69 on the immature theory... It sounds to me like she's not ready for a commited relationship. As much as I don't like to admit it, my reasoning comes from experiance.

 

When I was high school, I cheated on A LOT of boyfriends, from just holding hands with another guy, to just kissing someone else once, to REALLY cheating. And I cheated on guys that I'd been with for a long time too. I thought I "loved" the boyfriends I had, but I also had "urges", and would act on them if I got the opportunity.

 

I think part of what changed is me is I ended up getting cheated on a few times, and I found out how much it hurt. Also, I grew up a little, and realized how wrong cheating really was. Now, I'm with a guy who I can honestly say that I have NEVER EVER cheated on in the least. And I don't ever find myself tempted to either.

 

I know you love this girl...you MUST if you haven't left her yet...but it's really going to be for the best if you break things off. This girl isn't ready to give herself to only you. Not saying it's going to be easy though...

 

BEST OF LUCK TO YOU!!!

[ghost69]

let me define cheating for you; not the dictionary version. i think it is when a significant other and another person share intimate moments. i'm not talking your gf and her guy friend going and having coffee together or sharing a movie. this is when they have some kind of connection that shouldn't be. whether it is kissing, holding hands, or having intimate conversation about themselves. conversations that he/she should be having with you. just because no insertion of private parts happened, it is still cheating. i don't even care if it is on the internet, it's still cheating.

[TheFoglifter]

Ghost, we may be reading different dictionaries here.

[ghost69]

i said that definition ISN'T the dictionary version. your dictionary says my explanation? weird