The Scrambled Eggs Question

[Batya33]

In the movie the Runaway Bride, Richard Gere's character, a reporter, does a story on Julia Robert's character, a small town woman who has left the altar about 4 times and is known as the title suggests. In his investigation as to "why" he not only falls in love with her but discovers one key fact. None of the approximately 4 men Julia ran from knew what kind of eggs she liked at breakfast.

 

On the continuum of intimacy, how important is it to you that your partner know the minute details about your likes and dislikes, the minutae of your daily routine and mention them in a way that makes you feel important/special or just acknowledged?

 

Importance is a relative term of course but I'll give you an example. I have seen many posts on this board about the importance of "deep" conversations to intimacy, about the importance of grand romantic statements of love, devotion, "above all others" and the like. Obviously those are important too. But in your daily life, does one type of communication make you feel closer to/bonded with your partner than the other?

[annie24]

maybe it's not so important that he know how i like my eggs, but the fact that he would know would show that he is REALLY paying attention to me and interested in me, which is a good sign. for example, any guy can get a girl a dozen red roses, but for him to get her a bunch of pink tulips (if they are her favorite) really shows he is paying attention.

[RayKay]

GREAT topic Batya!

 

I really DO believe it is the little things that matter. Even more recent events with my boyfriend have made me also realize how much it is those little things that matter to him as well, and make him feel loved and appreciated.

 

I know it is silly, but one of the sweetest things he did in the last few months was this: we had gotten new wardrobes, and I could not hang up my jeans as we were out of hangers, so I had just folded them and put them on the shelves for the time being. He noticed this, and one day I came home and he had just bought be a huge pack of hangers. I know it is so simple, but it does show that they pay attention and notice these things, you know?

 

To show the reciprocal side, I always fold his stuff if I am doing laundry. I noticed that he would always unfold and refold the pants though as he had this particular way he liked doing them....so I started doing it that way and he stopped refolding them

 

As you know, we had some difficulties as he was feeling taken for granted in the sense of the little things which I neglected to do due to my own busy-ness and silliness. Those little things that make him feel appreciated, and that we are working towards a common goal. And that is about ACTIONS, from little to small, and not just deep conversations, and statements and words.

 

He does not have to know absolutely every detail, nor do I have to of him, but I think being able to notice things, and be grateful/show you appreciation for them, and to also DO those little things that show you think of them goes a LONG way. I also feel more bonded by playing together, having fun and when we do our shared interests together.

[run_little_rabbit]

What a good point!

I have more not-so-serious conversations on a daily basis than deep ones. In deep, involved conversations, there's pressure to pay attention to detail and come up with responses... and they'd better be good! lol

 

I find casual conversations more enjoyable because both parties are relaxed, and the dialogue just flows. Nothing is forced. It's where inside jokes come from!

[Batya33]

I agree. And, oddly enough, in one of my long term serious relationships, the first gift he bought me, after a few dates, were 2 wooden hangers. Why? Because he preferred to hang his coat on a wooden hanger, I didn't have any, and he wanted me to know he wouldn't be going anywhere for awhile. Now, certainly not as on target as buying hangers because your S.O. needs them but I had to throw in my hangers story.

 

P.S. When I returned his stuff after we broke up, I kept them. .. .

[rabbitskin]

I *loved* it when my ex would notice little things about me, even things that I hadn't noticed myself. When I eat something I really like, I will tap it with my knife. He pointed this out to me, and I'd never noticed.

One big fat warning though: I mentioned this to my friend (the needy one, I've posted about her before) and she started to use this against me... would deliberately notice things about me and then repeat them to me, in a 'look how much attention I'm paying, I know you like that!' sort of way. That, let me tell you, is very creepy.

[ImThatGirl]

hehehe, Batya! You always put a smile on my face, comfort in my heart, and knowledge/experiences/lessons in my mind!

 

I think knowing minutae details is very important. Minutae details reflect who we are and make us all unique. I love to know all the little things about someone I'm interested in. Those details are fascinating to me and I hope to someday find someone that is attentive and caring, that they notice the little things rather than just the major surfaces.

[BellaDonna]

I think the details are important- not every single one- but it sure feels good when your partner knows you well enough to show that they care about the details.

 

I thought it was very nice when I had nonchalantly mentioned (mainly sort of talking to myself) that the type of planner/appointment book I was using for work did not suit my needs well for various reasons.

 

My husband was doing errands and went to the store a few days later and came accross one that was better and thought of me. When he brought the new planner home and gave it to me I was very impressed that he had listened that closely to such a tiny detail about my work- which really has nothing to do with our home life.

 

I always fold his stuff if I am doing laundry. I noticed that he would always unfold and refold the pants though as he had this particular way he liked doing them....so I started doing it that way and he stopped refolding them

 

It's funny you mention that, RayKay! I do the same thing regarding pants folding. He is very appreciative of it too.

 

Sometimes the little things do matter in a big way. I do think it's important not to get hung up on little things either though. There has to be a balance.

 

BellaDonna

[rocio]

Two scenarios:

1. Whenever he makes me breakfast, he makes my eggs sunny-side-up, or

2. He knows that I like them scrambled, but never makes them for me.

 

I'd take the first, because at least he's trying to do nice things for me.

Does that make sense? Of course, the ideal situation is one in which he both remembers what I like and tries to give it to me.

 

Regarding communication, I don't like deep conversations of any kind. For me, the most intimate conversation I can have with someone is one in which we tell about our pasts, especially our childhood. It's quite rare for me to talk about my past and it makes me feel vulnerable (not that I have anything to hide, but I just feel like my past is mine and if I share it with others, it becomes less mine). If I have too many of these conversation in a short time, I will become uncomfortable and pull away.

 

The communication I like best is playing and joking. Probably 80% of the time when I'm talking to my bf, it's light and playful. Not that the things we're talking about are necessarily superficial or unimportant, but I think humor is often the best way to approach things.

[dawn515]

This might be slightly off-topic but.... I've always wondered about this with one of my exes.

 

I learned fairly early on, when we were just friends, that he had a girlfriend who tragically died in a car accident. (I'll call her K.) He said he had a hard time getting over losing her, and I was right there with him, sympathizing, etc. I went with him one time to a party at one of her close friend's houses, and it was a little weird. He told me that they never truly accepted him as one of their own, as K's boyfriend.

 

Later, little details about his relationship with her leaked out. One, I found out they'd only had sex once. Okay, fair enough. Then Two, found out he'd met her in South America on a walking tour, and they had three wonderful days together (which is when they had sex). After that, they went back to their respective countries and spent about two months or so exchanging emails and occasionally calling one another. Then the car accident happened.

 

Very tragic. But... he said she was this huge love of his life. He was offended when one of her friends questioned his love for her when he suddenly showed up in the US, grieving along with them.

 

I tried very hard not to be judgmental when the pieces came together, but I couldn't help wonder.. They met and spent only three days together... then communicated mainly through email and an occasional phone call. And she was the big love of his life?

 

I remember thinking but... he doesn't know what she looks like in the morning; he doesn't know when she brushes her teeth; he doesn't know what she has for breakfast or what makes her fall asleep at night -- quiet? music? a back rub? He doesn't know if her brow furrows when she's angry, or even if she sneaks out for a quiet smoke when she's upset.

 

How, I wondered, could he claim that he was madly in love with this girl, and it took a year or so for him to "heal" about losing her?

 

Don't get me wrong -- I am not a callous person, and I can understand his being upset at her loss... of course! BUT, I always doubted that they were "in love" but would never, ever say this to him. To this day he says she was his soul mate and they loved each other.

 

Maybe they did; I don't know. Maybe it truly was love at first sight -- I can't judge. But Batya's question made me think about that, and how I wondered if his professed love was real or something created in his mind, especially after she died so tragically.

 

Sorry if this is wildly off topic, but it reminded me of how that situation truly made me think about how you know -- how you love -- another person.

[annie24]

wow dawn - that is quite the story! I am glad to hear he is your ex, it sounds like he was really hung up on a woman that wasn't even his gf. i had an ex who was kind of in the same shoes, and honestly, it is like they are living in a fantasy land. they are in love with the idea of being in love, they don't really KNOW that woman or what she is like when she is sick and tired, or what her favorite cold medication is, lol!

[rabbitskin]

Wow, dawn, that's a tough one. I hate to say it, but I wouldn't like to be this guy's current girlfriend. I mean, the 'love of his life' never had the chance to let him down, to pick her nose in front of him, to argue and have tough times. She will always be his 'ideal' and I bet it'll be hard for anyone else to fight this 'ghost' of his past. Loving someone is about knowing them deeply and truly... and everyone shows a less nice side, eventually.

[Batya33]

Dawn - I don't think your post was off topic in the least- the opposite!

 

Imthatgirl - thank you and I totally agree. It made me recall an ex of mine who I always felt that unless I was saying something very entertaining or "interesting" (and minutae didn't fall into that category) I was at risk of losing his attention, fast.

 

Once in awhile he would say (not only to me but to friends of ours) something like "how interesting" in a sarcastic way in response to a comment like "I discovered a great new frozen pizza today" or "tonight I'm finally going to get to watch that new show I taped." Obviously it's hard to "describe" this on a message board - obviously there are times I am sure I was boring/uninteresting but the gist of it was that we got the feeling that every day details didn't interest him much even if he cared about the person .. . .

[annie24]

i remember talking to a guy once, a friend of mine. he was telling me about this girl he started dating and he really liked her. they were taking a walk, and she started reciting some completely random facts about a species of tree they had just passed. it was stuff she learned in a botany class a few years back. he told me that really turned him on, because he really NOTICED details and paid attention. he said it was stuff like that that made him think she would be a really great gf who would pay attention to what he liked.

[dawn515]

It probably goes without saying that my relationship with him did not work out. Yep, in fact, it ended quite badly, especially on my end.

 

BTW, I didn't know the whole story about the supposed girlfriend until I was involved with him. When we were first getting to know one another is when he told me he lost the love of his life in a car accident. The other little but important details came out later.

[VeganBohemian]

 

On the continuum of intimacy, how important is it to you that your partner know the minute details about your likes and dislikes, the minutae of your daily routine and mention them in a way that makes you feel important/special or just acknowledged?

 

Importance is a relative term of course but I'll give you an example. I have seen many posts on this board about the importance of "deep" conversations to intimacy, about the importance of grand romantic statements of love, devotion, "above all others" and the like. Obviously those are important too. But in your daily life, does one type of communication make you feel closer to/bonded with your partner than the other?

 

Sometimes I get irritated because my boyfriend doesn't know me as well as I know him because we only hang out at his house and not mine because I live with (horrible) roommate.

 

However, for example, I picked him up for work this morning and he had black coffee waiting for me because he knows how much I love it. Things like that make me feel intimate with him. When he buys the soup I like or when he picks out things in magazines that he thinks are "me" and that I would wear. He knows what kinds of movies I prefer and I love when he says that something is a "Kelly movie". Things like that make me feel connected to him. And this works vice versa, I know him very well too.

 

Yes, I think it is very important!

[RayKay]

Dawn,

 

Sounds definitely like he was more hung up on the idea, than the reality. I had an ex whom was hung up on an ex he dated for 3-4 months whom cheated on him, like every guy she had cheated on before. She got engaged shortly after and was cheating on him too.....yet he still thought she was "perfect". It was an impossible ideal to live up too...and you wondered what he was smoking!

 

Losing a loved one is VERY hard, and it is very unique when it is a spouse/partner. I had a boyfriend of five years die when I was 22 and I felt my whole life was rocked to the core. But I cannot imagine feeling that after days together, or even feeling that it meant life was over. Sounds like he used it more as a reason to justify living a painful life, rather than learning the lessons of loving every day, and living to the fullest.

[Batya33]

"and I love when he says that something is a "Kelly movie".

 

As long as your name is Kelly, that works .. . .;-)

[rocio]

"and I love when he says that something is a "Kelly movie".

 

As long as your name is Kelly, that works .. . .;-)

 

I guess I'm different from you ladies because this would aggravate me to no end.

[VeganBohemian]

He doesn't say it in a negative way lol.

[rocio]

I know. I just don't like it when anyone thinks they have me figured out. I pride myself on being unpredictable and I feel like I'm suffocating when someone puts me in a box.

[Batya33]

I know. I just don't like it when anyone thinks they have me figured out. I pride myself on being unpredictable and I feel like I'm suffocating when someone puts me in a box.

 

I don't like being put in a box either but in a different way. The guy who says oh, you do [my job] so you must be [x] immediately upon meeting me - or similar. I often get that with my level of religious observance because I refuse to be labeled as a certain "sect" or "level" of observance. Instead I will say something like "the main way I observe my religion is by working at a homeless shelter once a week" - the person who refuses to think outside the box and responds "but that's not observing our religion!" or the like is just not for me.

 

Sorry if off-topic (even though I started the thread).

[EvaGina]

he offers me peanuts because he knows I hate them

he can tell my mood by the way I walk

he knows when Im fake smiling, or laughing even if I am upset

he knows how much salt n pepper to put on my tomatos on toast, and how toasted I like the bread

He knows not to tuck my top sheet in when he makes my bed

 

 

I know he likes soft poached eggs with fried tomatos and mushrooms.

I know the bread to topping ratio

I know what mood he is in as soon as I look at him, even if everyone is falling for his happy demeanor when he is really upset.

 

and I dont think either of us could be described as "predictable"... but we get eachtoher... we understand eachothers jokes when everyone is scratching their heads...

[Batya33]

Off my topic, and I don't remember where, but I read this great article where the author reminisced about how she used to eat perfect tomato sandwhiches as a young girl. Total comfort food.

 

Thanks for posting!

[EvaGina]

mmmmmmmmm, tomatos on toast