do guys like to be approached first?

[Batya33]

I agree to an extent. I believe the woman should be friendly, warm and approachable and perhaps suggest group activities or mention a concert or a movie she'd love to see. After that I prefer that the man do the asking to show further interest. It's interesting that you agree that the woman shouldn't have to keep doing the asking (but in traditional dating, at least in the beginning, the man keeps doing the asking for dates two, three, four and often far beyond that).

 

I also get the impression that certain women are too quick to label a man as "shy" when he is not shy at all - his quiet behavior or aloofness is simply a lack of interest.

[Clarity]

You hit the nail on the head with citing tradition, that's really what's being balked at in this case, I believe. That's why I said if the woman keeps asking, she is basically assuming the man's role, assuming to much traditional masculinity in that sense and at the same time, the man is assuming too much of a traditionally feminine role. Of course there are exceptions and people that will not care about these traditional standards, but we're generalizing.

 

You're probably right about the perceived shyness, but if a woman makes a first move (it doesn't necessarily have to be asking the guy out, just enough to know that she is interested, in no uncertain terms, without all the subtle hooplah that women typically engage in ), then that might give a guy the confidence to approach her because the fear of rejection is much lessened. I hate to say it, but a lot of guys are paralyzed by this fear. I was before my first relationship, and only mustered up the courage to ask my (ex)-GF out when I heard through the grapevine that she liked me...

[Batya33]

Yes I totally agree. my bf, when we first dated many years ago was very shy and said that I touched his arm at a business event while I was making a point in our conversation. He saw that as a green light. I had no memory of it, but ok - whatever works. ;-)

[Borashi]

From my perspective if I was approached by a girl whom I found attractive, I'd be very humbled.

 

But in my opinion, where I live girls really don't approach the guys unless they know them from somewhere.

 

thereforeeee the only way to get to know the girls, is if the guys approach first.

 

That might mean rejection, but at least every rejection is a learning experience that I can gain knowledge from whether it is a good experience or a bad one.

[JadedStar]

I agree with you. If a man says no I don't think they should be looked down upon. There could be MANY possible reasons he said no...already in a relationship, just got out of one and not looking, didn't really find the woman to be his type, etc.

 

It certainly doesn't make him a bad guy.

 

I agree with what you said about equality. Sure women can approach men, but when they do they also will bear the possibility of rejection. Men have had to deal with that a long time, and now that more women do the approaching they get a better sense for what men go thru!

[sarge17]

How about an opinion from a completely "different" perpesctive?

 

Have you you ever thought of the guy who doesn't have what it takes to approach to be the "predator" type male. The "lone wolf"

 

He allows his prey to come to him. He waits and waits until he is approached, then it feeds his insecurities. He has his prey knows she is interested and most likley will be the type to express his love and want to marry in a matter of weeks. He has his claws in her heart in a matter of weeks. Red flags!

 

Just a different opinion. something to think about. I have seen it happen.

[GrandGuy8682]

Wish women would approach me more often.

 

Same here. All three girls I've ever dated approached me first. They approached me at first but I was the one who eventually asked all of them out. Only three though. I'm too afraid to approach the girl first but not to ask her out once I get to know her a bit.

[thefoot]

Guys love to be approached. Girls are used to the guys approaching them, and not having to approach the guy. A lot of women I know don't understand what it takes to approach a stranger, so they dont really care very much whena guy does. but guys find it really flattering and if hes interested at all he won't turn you down.

[Batya33]

Yes, it's true- many guys love to be approached and are flattered - and likely will accept a date if there is even some interest. However, all that tells the woman is that she has given the guy an ego boost and he has some interest in getting together with her especially since she is putting in all the effort and making the plans.

 

Approaching a man first can be very effective - asking him out however - especially more than once - is very effective to flatter the guy and may be very effective if you just want a date or two - or a fling - but typically is ineffective for the woman looking for a serious relationship because a man who is sincerely interested will do the asking and there is a not insignificant risk that a man will feel uncomfortable by being asked out by a woman he is interested in -may make him re-think whether she is too aggressive or wonder whether she is too needy for him. i'm not saying that's a politically correct reaction but it is the reality I know and have seen.

[Clarity]

I think this statement depends on what kind of signals the woman is putting out there. If men always initiated contact with a woman they were sincerely interested in, this site would have a lot less traffic

[Batya33]

Well, no I disagree. I don't think men always initiate contact with women they are sincerely interested in because the man has to be both interested and available and if he is that shy that in response to a warm, friendly and approachable woman he is really interested in he can't even ask her if she'd like to have lunch sometime (or similar) then to me he would not be available to date or for a relationship at that time. Or, the man might claim to be sincerely interested but chooses to let his shyness or fear of rejection take priority over his interest level - again, he is choosing not to be available or choosing not to work on the obstacle to getting to the point of asking the woman out on a date.

 

I think women should be warm, friendly and approachable - approach the man first if that's how it works - but it's best for purposes of a relationship if the woman lets the man do more of the asking out in the beginning.

 

I'm sure you've never seen a post on this site concerning a happy, long term relationship or marriage where the woman did most of the asking, calling and initiating in the first month or two. However you will see posts where the woman claims the man is too shy, asks him out, and he accepts but doesn't follow through or tells her he is not available/not interested in a relationship.

[Clarity]

I think you actually agree with me, because you used the bolded qualifier, which is what I was getting at with the "signals" term.

[sarge17]

Good post, hit the nail on the head.

 

You are thinking like me? Wow thats unusual.

[Bullet For My Valentine]

Approach him with no fear....

We guys are more shy than most of u girls think....

OFC there are exceptions

I'm not one them....

I would love if a girl would approach me,it would give me the courage to do everything else,and not trying to guess what would she like now....or would she at all!!!

[Bullet For My Valentine]

Hmmm... about the, let's cut it short shy guy should not exist or even be in a relationship" attitude of Batya33!

M8 how many times were u stood up when approaching the girl??? Obviously not to many times, 'cause otherwise u would think different!!!!

I was stood up toooooooooooo many times before to have any courage at all left in me to approach the girl again if i don't know what she thinks......

I still have a little pride left so I would rather risk being left by myself for the rest of my life than to approach the girl again sadly enough!

 

Yesterday, a girl who said she liked me and with whom I was for like a week in a relationship blew me off because she couldn't be with me 'cause of some guy with whom she was like a month ago,'cause me and him live in the same town and know each other (apparently I didn't know that), and to make it even worse she told me that she was breaking up so she would spare me because she knows that when she would come to see me she would cheat me with him....(that was fair,I respect it;better that she told me now than when she did it)

lol

I almost blacked out....... she caught me totally off guard with that statement!!!! As u can imagine

She'd better slap me in the face than told me that.....

So, to make a long story short (too l8 ): In these times of emancipation girls are getting stronger and more and more reckless about their behavior and response! So I think it's normal that a guy is afraid of a girls reaction.... at least I am (after too many out of my face", and too many laughs in my face)

[Batya33]

I think what I said was that if a shy man (not a teenager, an adult - let's say in his mid-20s or older) does not have the courage to ask a woman out for a cup of coffee or a drink after she has been warm, friendly and approachable he is probably not emotionally available for a relationship. If I said something broader I apologize. I certainly did not say they should not exist - not being ready for a relationship has nothing to do with whether you are a good, valuable and highly desirable person.

[Clarity]

I think what I said was that if a shy man (not a teenager, an adult - let's say in his mid-20s or older) does not have the courage to ask a woman out for a cup of coffee or a drink after she has been warm, friendly and approachable he is probably not emotionally available for a relationship. If I said something broader I apologize. I certainly did not say they should not exist - not being ready for a relationship has nothing to do with whether you are a good, valuable and highly desirable person.

 

I would argue that what you have said applies to both genders equally in current times...

[Batya33]

That could be. It's not the case with the late 20s and up group - in that age group I have seen more the traditional dating roles - where the man does more of the initiating, asking and planning in the beginning stages of dating than the woman does -- and I know of no long term relationship where the woman did more of that in the beginning. I know of very few where the woman asked the man out on the first date. In that age group (older than you - as you say you are 25) - what I have seen is that typically the man steps up to the plate to do the asking although the woman is friendly, warm and approachable.

 

My nieces who are in the 15-20 age range tell me it's still the same but I don't know enough in that age group to be sure. It would be nice if it changed such that either gender could do the asking and it would be equally effective for those women looking for a serious relationship. The woman asking the man generally is effective if she just wants a date, a few dates, or a fling.

 

I would say that a woman who is so desperately shy that she won't accept an invitation for coffee from a man she is sincerely interested in likely is not emotionally available for a relationship.

[Clarity]

I never said that females asking males is the norm in any age group. I highly doubt that to be the case, since our society puts most of this pressure on the males in all age categories.

 

As you put it, a guy who can't muster of the courage to ask an approachable woman out, probably isn't ready to date yet. All I was saying is, if a girl can't do the same, it has similar implications for her readiness. It's as much a sign of weakness for a female, IMHO.

[Batya33]

I don't agree. I have asked men out, I have no problem asking men out - it's not the easiest thing at times but I've done it - that has resulted in a date here and there, a rejection here and there, never a relationship and never a relationship for anyone I know (where the woman did most of the asking in the beginning - asking out on the first date can at times be ok/not make a difference). I stopped doing it because it's ineffective for someone who wants a serious relationship, not because I was scared. That's also true of many many women - we know that the most effective way to start a relationship is to be warm, friendly and approachable and let the man do most of the calling, initiating and planning in the beginning stages of dating.

 

We have our own "jobs" to do and our own efforts to put in - but they don't involved those three activities in the beginning stages. I wish I could have short-circuited the dating situation and done the asking but I knew from experience - mine and the experience of the hundreds of people I know that it was far more effective to let the man do the asking in the beginning.

[Clarity]

But you were still able to ask. That's a sign of your personal maturity, IMHO.

 

I think whoever is the shyer person in the situation, should have the ability to muster up the courage to initiate conversation with the other person, show interest, etc., even ask them out if need be. It doesn't mean that is has to come to that point, but they should be ready to do so, if they're ready for a relationship, IMHO. I'm a relatively shy guy, but not super shy. I know a lot of girls that I would consider more shy than myself. If I knew one of them was interested in me, and she was too shy to initiate conversation or interaction - that would be a turnoff for me (towards her personality).

 

Whether you prefer to be asked, or whether you think that that leads to more stable relationships is another issue.

[Batya33]

I respectfully disagree that in traditional dating (which is still alive and well in my age group and younger) that if the woman doesn't do the asking that is a sign of immaturity or fear. Rather, in most cases it is the smart way to go because it is most effective to be warm, friendly and approachable - express interest - and let the man do the asking out for the date. I asked in a "why not" kind of way - I am not sorry I did but it wasn't effective. Nor has it ever been effective for any of the hundreds of women I know over time (that is, doing most of the asking in the beginning).

 

I understand you are shy and sympathize with that. As I mentioned, my boyfriend was extremely shy over a decade ago, the first time we dated. He knew he had to be the one to ask (not because of me specifically, just in general). He is typical of most men I know - shy or otherwise - who feel most comfortable/appropriate doing the asking in the beginning and who are very flattered at being asked and called and "pursued" but those are not the women they choose for a relationship.

[Clarity]

I'm sorry, but I think you are repeatedly missing my point. I'm trying to stress that a woman does not have to do the asking at all, in most cases, I would expect the guy to do the asking.

 

What I was saying, in response to your original point that a guy who can't ask a girl out, is probably not emotionally available for a relationship, applies equally to a female in my opinion. I think most girls out there are capable of asking a guy out. Being capable and doing it, are two different things, so I'm not implying that girls should ask guys out more often. I 'm just saying, if a girl or guys is incapable of asking another person they are attracted to, who is being friendly and approachable out, they are likely emotionally unavailable for a relationship, regardless of gender. Hopefully the bolding makes my point clearer. I think you keep interpreting what I am saying as an argument that women should ask men out more often, which it is not.

 

As for my shyness, I'm pretty sure I'm getting past it fast. I just came out of a LTR (7 years) and have also gone through a pretty drastic physical transformation (lost 40 lbs. of fat, put on some muscle) and this has helped my confidence a lot. I've been out of the relationship for about 5 months, but I'm definitely not ready to date yet. However, with the extra attention I've noticed from girls since I made my physical changes and the resultant confidence boost, I don't foresee having too many problems approaching girls that I'm interested in in the future. It really is a lot about confidence...

[Batya33]

LOL- your point was very clear - I am amused that you think I did not understand. My response remains that I respectfully disagree that what you said about emotional unavailability applies equally to both genders. I would agree that if a woman is incapable of being reasonably warm, friendly and approachable to someone she is sincerely interested in for a relationship, she is probably not emotionally available for a relationship. If she is incapable of asking a man out on a date I would not consider that to be emotionally unavailable but I might consider that to be a result of societal or family or cultural pressures impacting her comfort level with doing the asking to the point of not being capable.

 

Sorry if I misunderstood your specific points but I certainly got the main point loud and clear - you want to apply this situation equally to both genders and I disagree with that approach.

 

And that is great about your recently gained confidence and the work you did on yourself, internal and external!

[Clarity]

LOL, okay, looks like I was misunderstanding rather than you... sorry 'bout that! Okay, like you said, agree to disagree, although I don't think it's really a polarizing point to begin with; we're talking shades of gray.