I keep wanting to start again

[Emily525]

my life just sucks basically at the moment. Well i guess the last 16 years isnt just a moment. I've had suicidal thought many times...mostly recently. Ive been to many therapists, even this ridiculous program at a hospital. Nobody knows that I cut, or used to. My mom knows about one time. Not the second time. I also have anxiety which makes me cut because it makes me calm down. Im so sick of it. Im always feeling sick, im actually home from school right now. Also i just found out that I might now be able to drive because my moms car insurance is going to be canceled maybe because of me. Also, she yelled at me because i dont feel good. Basically long story short, my life sucks and I keep having urges to cut, but part of my doesnt want to.

[cantexplain]

Emily, I know you from an earlier thread and know you to be someone who is very important and has good thinking. You are very important to cantexplain!! I care for you and do not like this idea of you cutting yourself. So PLEASE don't do that!!! The less you do it the easier it will be to keep not doing it. Can you help me to think of some thoughts (positive NOW) about yourself you can always have ready to substitute for these self-destructive ones?

 

You've just come through a BIG SCARE that has tested your character and you came through it resoundingly!!! Many of us are quite proud!! And you are likely going through a process of unwinding, maybe even blaming!!? But don't. Please don't.

 

Let's start by reaching over your shoulder and patting yourself on the back for your successes as well as your ability to make mistakes and forgive yourself. This universe loves you and needs you and you are a vital part of its machine!!

 

Lots of people, especially young people, make mistakes! That's how we learn and get better. Life gets better. I promise!!!!!

 

Who knows what your mom's thinking is - but if you made a mistake and she needs to protect her wallet ( or you!! ) by not letting you drive her car - then, well, that's what she needs to do!! There are many options for you to get around and/or work toward your own transportation solution - independently of your mom!! Can you think of some ideas?

 

My car blew-up several years back when I was first starting a job. So I took public transportation and I walked. I learned that by driving everywhere I was missing so much of the world around me. So there are options with rewards you may not recognize until you try them.

 

I know about self-esteem, or lack thereof, and about self-destructive behavior. I've had suicidal thoughts before and I think a lot of people do. It is the acting on these self-destructive ideas that makes life worse!! We need to work toward making our lives better!!

 

I'm disappointed that you were yelled at because you don't feel good. You have every right not to feel good if that's the way you feel and yelling at you about this just ain't nice. I'm sure you know this because you are a good person. My advice is just don't engage with her and don't let her problem with your feelings become your problem, too. Because it shouldn't be. That's your problem and you've come to a good place here where I hope many will help you to get through these bad feelings about yourself and learn some new skills of substituting happy, positive thoughts about yourself. It never happens overnight, but over time things inside your soul and mind there, as well as things in your surrounding life will change and your life will get better, I Promise!! I know!! I've been there. I still am there! Life is hard, dear!!

 

Think of life like river water, hitting a rock and then smoothing off downstream, okay? Please try not to let life hit you - be it school, your recent scare, your parents, and then create a turbulence inside you that remains or even gets more wavy. I'm telling you that is not you!! You are that quiet little wonderful being that has nothing to do with all these situations and tests of life.

 

I like your idea of starting again.

 

You know my favorite time of day is the dawn. It is in the dawn that I can be me and me anew. I can see the sun's first light - a reflection in my (your) eyes that is no one's but mine. I (you) are our power. We, and only us by our lonesome, have access to this magic of being alive, and new with each day. And a day can last a thousand years if we want it to!! Its all yours! Embrace it and don't ( I know its hard) and don't let life's challenges get you down.

 

Now I don't understand self-mutiliation but I do understand being self-destructive and doing things that are not in my own best interest, even when I am, witting. I remember when I was your age my life was sooooo hard - and yet there was many great things going on, too. My family was severely verbally abusive. I was bullied, left vulnerable, and unprotected. Life was very hard. I still have to work on these things and my self-esteem daily. Its the human condition. Its the flipside that keeps us moving toward our own light and the wonders of living!! Very few of us are so lucky to not have to work through these things.

 

So can you help me to list some positive and happy thoughts about the you that no one can touch, but you??

 

Also, how about some ideas toward getting your own transportation someday??

 

I should be online most of the afternoon - it is 11:43 here and I am hoping to hear more from you!!

 

_______________________________________

 

Worry is like paying interest on a debt we don't owe.

[Blackhawk2009]

nooo stop cutting now!!

[Emily525]

I actually am getting bullied by this one girl i cant stand. And its not the fact that i wont be able to get around...its just the independence that ive always wanted is probably not going to happen for a long time now. Now im dreading when my mom gets home because i KNOW shes gunna yell at me and tell me everything I did and why her insurance is going to be cancelled. She ALWAYS does this to me. She makes me feel like crap all the time. Im a very sensitive person, and stuff like this gets to me. The urge to cut has gone away today, thanks to blackhawk earlier. Thanks

[prizmpyxis]

Wow Emily...when I was reading this post I felt like I was the one who wrote some of the things that you said...because it seems like we have very similar personalities. I too am a very sensitive person which has lead me to have a lot of trouble in life, and I also get anxiety to the extreme! Cutting makes the anxiety stop...and that's why I started doing it. However, I can thankfully say that I have stopped the urges to cut A LOT and I have got myself under fairly good control. I know how you feel about the driving thing, and it sucks A LOT but it's not worth starting again. No matter how bad things are now...they will get better. You mentioned that you had been to many therapists, and in a hospital program...but have you ever considered medication, or been put on it? I've been on medicine the last year and a half...and it REALLY has helped me. If that's not an option, or if you've tried it already, maybe you should try to do other things that you like to stop the cutting urges. Sometimes when I get anxious now I make myself tea and watch television or a good movie. I also try to talk to my boyfriend or one of my best friends about it which helps. It sounds to me like your mother is not very supportive if she is always yelling at you...but I think that if you sat her down and had a talk with her she would try to stop being so mean. Tell her that you have been feeling depressed again and that her yelling at you does not make it any better. Another thing that might help would be to go for a run or to work out. Excercise makes endorphins release in your body, which literally make you happier. There are a lot of other options besides cutting, and it's not worth it. Please don't put yourself through this.

[Emily525]

Well not apparently im not even getting my car anymore. I gave her my liscence back, and my cell phone. She said nothing. Im trying to make a point but she doesnt care. All she cares about is the fact that she cant have insurance. Not at all about the fact that im upset. She told my id have to give up my liscence. So i did.

 

And im real sry to say that about 10 mins ago i found a tac..... im sorry :sad:

[Blackhawk2009]

stop cutting yourself...its not gona make anything better. Just think about it for a second and you will realize how dumb it is

[Emily525]

I just actually had to call my dad. He thinks my mom is being extremely unreasonable and hes gunna talk to her. Maybe that will make her realize how bad my life is getting because of her. I never really have to call my dad about my problems. And im out of school again today. I was in the bathroom until 1am because i felt that sick...

[Emily525]

my family now is turned on me. I hate this. Seriously my mom is so mad at me right now

[zeusmoose]

Hi Emily

I know exactly how you feel and I know how hard it is to try and keep a grip. I've had major problems with my mam in the past and problems with my husbands family. They make me feel inadequate and worthless, as if I should snap out of my depression. They can't be as hard on me as I am on myself though. I haven't cut myself in a long time, but my depression is getting worse, I have suicidal thoughts every day and I often sit with a knife in my hand fighting the urge to cut myself. Hang in there.

Lou

[Emily525]

thanks..but most of the time i just want to give up

[Thisismyname]

Dont cut yourself... It doesnt really help you: you cut yourself, you bleed and you feel sad again. Instead try to get a hobby/job. That way you get your mind off cutting.