Hmmmmm..... any ideas?

[Zaphod]

somethings screwing me up a bit atm.

 

 

 

I've been down and stressed for about six months to a year. Life stresses. I needed to sort

 

my life out in a nutshell.

 

I have found it difficult to do so, and make ends meet at the same time - I've got rent to

 

pay. You know what I mean. THis is why it's taking me so long. But as of the last few weeks

 

(coincidentally) I am on the up

 

I have constantly checked with my ex during this period (like a good boy) whether this is

 

getting her down. She has been marvellously understanding replying with things like "Of

 

course not I understand you're under a lot of stress atm it's not your fault I think you're

 

doing rather well considering - anyone would be under stress with what you've got to deal

 

with" - followed by a loving smile and a hug.

 

Four weeks ago I was slapping her * * * and tickling her in the kitchen, and she was giggling.

 

We had a loving hug. She told me she loved me.

 

She has said that at no point did I direct my stress onto her. She respects me for that.

 

Three weeks ago she was telling me I was gorgeous and she loved me.

 

She has seemed a little flat for a few months, although not too bad. She has had career

 

change, and moved house twice within a month I think it was, as she takes new accommodation

 

at her various new jobs. She moved from one location to another to another.

During this period I have helped her move, lugging stuff, giving her lifts, etc. I have

 

destroyed myself unwittingly doing this as I awas already running on vapour due to being

 

knackered with my own life stresses.

She has constantly been telling me during this period that she is feeling flat because of

 

her not being happy in the job, and a few other temporary things in her life that got

 

sorted.

 

Now she claims that actually that wasn't the reason she was flat, the reason was because of

 

me - because I've been down and dragging her down, and she "can't take it anymore", "can't

 

possibly go back", "can't possibly ever feel the same way about me".

 

She claims she's been hiding her head in the sand for months, not wishing to end it with me.

 

Recently things have really picked up for me (abotu a month before we split up) , as we fully both knew they would and I promised her, but she didn't even notice.

I moved her into her new accommodation and got her settled a few days before we split up. Now she was happy. I was happy too because I could tell it was gonna be a fun spring.

 

I spoke to her on the phone the next day. We were both very very tired. I was trying to be cheerful. She sounded flat. I said to her "cheer up, the stress is lifting, it's over".

She said "Yes but it's just you being down, it's bringing me down".

I said "I know luv it's over now though don't worry".

She said " I know but I'm just so down because of you".

 

I got a bit upset now. Catch up luv, I thought. I got a lump in my throat and flipped a bit. I was upset - I said to her "If you're going to continue being like this towards me, what's the point of us being together"? A rhetorical question.

 

She says "Actually I would like to split up". You could have knocked me down with a feather.

 

Since when she has acted on the rare occasions I've spoken to her since the break up like she's pretty happy. I kind of doubt she was even that upset about it for that long.

 

We were very very much in love, I'd been with her for nearly two years, and she posessed qualities I haven't as of yet found at the tender age of 36.

 

She is 12 years younger than me. Now I know what yer thinking, but I wouldn't have been with her for a year and a half if it had seemed to matter.

 

Anyway enough waffle.

 

Someone comment on this - I've seen a lot of things in my time, been cheated on, cheated, dumped, been the dumpee, different reasons etc. but this is beyond me.

Why dump me right a the point where it was going to pick up?

Also - why wait till I bring up the subject to dump me? What if I hadn't brought that up for another year? She would have held it in and pretended for another year?

Also - you could have fooled me she was falling out of love with me. I can tell when a woman's falling out of love with me I think and I had no sign. Quite the opposite in fact.

 

She says she still loves me, and probably still finds me attractive, but "could never go back to where we were".

I tried explaining to her that my life's mess is a one off, this happens to people, and I have no intention of messing it up again, but she still doesn't want to know.

 

Questions (more)

 

Have I just fallen for a very very good actress? How can she suddenly seemingly not care that much? I've been dumped before and the girl was upset too for weeks at least afterwards.

 

Who ACTUALLY dumped who do you think? It was a strange moment, I can't work it out. I'm confused. The conversation I've quoted was very strange.

 

Do you think there may be another man? I don't to be honest but it would slot stuff into place.

 

I guess I'm trying to say that althoguh I'm made of fairly stern stuff heart wise, and at the end of the day will accept this like a man, I just don't understand what's happened.

It's bugging me a bit today so I just thought I'd vent - ya don't have to reply but any ideas would be welcome.

 

The situation is at the moment that we agreed to give it a couple of weeks to talk which I am currently in the middle of. I mistakenly (damn) said to her "could we be friends" when we broke up, but I'm not so sure anymore. I'm not sure currently who's meant to be (eventually) phoning who or why, but she seems to think that we'll be speaking relatively soon. Or is she just saying that like she's been saying to me three times a day she loves me for the past thrre months or whatever. I don't know exactly how sincere she is anymore. You see? I've lost the trust haven't I.

 

Er...... If a lot of time passes am I meant to be phoning her? Or what? I don't have much to say. What would you advise if she phones me? I am planning on letting her lead the conversation. Bah. Confused.

 

Erm... thanks for listening that was a REALLY long boring post wasn't it. Ah well just venting. Any help welcome.

[Zaphod]

Don't worry by the way I'm not exactly beating myself up over this I just thought I might get a few pointers.

 

BTW - I forgot to mention we have never really had a bad row or anything, never really a cross word tbh.

Neither of us have cheated or directed anger towards each other.

We have always seemed to communicate very well.

[melrich]

I think it is probably as she is telling you, or at least that is as well as she can verbalise it. As for your not seeing the signs, I wish I had a dollar for everytime I have heard that. From what you posted you have been in your own funk and I don't think you were probably aware of a lot of what was going on around you.

 

I always think of even the strongest relationships being very brittle. There is a certain "spell" over you when you are in a relationship, especially early days. It blinds you to a lot of things and it makes relationships work despite the monumental difficulty of finding two human beings who are truly compatable.

 

Once there is a crack in that spell, it's like a light being turned on. The person no longer looks at their partner the same way. This usually triggers a long period of decline for that person. A period during which they will plan the end of the relationship, they will grieve it, they will form a mindset that it is over and then they will tell the other person, who is often totally blindsided.

 

Often I see during this period the person will go to great lengths to behave like everything is just fine and dandy.

 

Why did she wait until you gave her segue into ending the relationship? Probably because she was scared. It is a big hairy thing to bring up. It's not an easy or pleasant thing to do. She probably planned it and put it off a number of times.

 

My guess is she's spent a lot of time thinking about this whilst you have been dealing with your own issues.

[Dako]

Here's my condensed version.

 

You feel down, your GF is worn down to the point of wanting out, you bring it up so she sees her cue to split, having lost interest.

 

You feel better now, and expect her to be in sync and reverse her decision to dump you, just because you're up now.

 

I think she saw you through her own eyes and made a decision based on more than your mood.

[melrich]

LOL...or you could condense my essay into Dako's 4 sentences.

[Zaphod]

As for your not seeing the signs, I wish I had a dollar for everytime I have heard that.

Bah. Do you think we ever learn to tell?

 

 

From what you posted you have been in your own funk and I don't think you were probably aware of a lot of what was going on around you.

 

I realised this. However I have taken great care to keep asking her whether she's ok, whether she thinks we're ok etc. etc. for MONTHS now - trying to monitor the situation. But obviously failed.

 

 

 

A period during which they will plan the end of the relationship, they will grieve it

 

Let me put two and two together. You are saying she doesn't seem that upset because she did her grieveing a while ago while we were still together?

 

Often I see during this period the person will go to great lengths to behave like everything is just fine and dandy.

 

Yeah I hear ya. However if I could act that well for that long you'd be watching films with me in them on sky, I just don't understand how she could keep the act up Sooooooooooo well. Oh well some people are better at it than others I suppose.

 

 

 

My guess is she's spent a lot of time thinking about this whilst you have been dealing with your own issues.

 

I've been trying to have a chat with her for months, wanting to apologise to her and tell her it's gonna pick up. Also I have KEPT checking she's happy, everythign's cool etc. - again it just seems like she's been lying and said "yes".

[Zaphod]

BTW thanks for the reply Dako - perhaps you could give me precis lessons too ?

 

I can't believe this has happened. The sadness won't floor me, but the shock of it is proving a bit harsh. It's rather dream like at the moment. It's been a week since we spoke.

 

Er..... what am I meant to do about the contact thing? Let her phone me?

 

Oh yeah (sorry) another thing -

 

Do you think it was really me that dumped her? Or was it mutual?

I can't understand why I said to her "maybe we ought to split up" - why would I say that? I don't even know and I've been thinking about that for about two weeks now. Inbetween thinking about the lovely nurse that I met the other day,that is.

[melrich]

You are saying she doesn't seem that upset because she did her grieveing a while ago while we were still together?

 

Yeah I think a lot of "dumpers" do this.

 

My marriage was a lot like you describe your relationship. I was really caught up trying to establish a career and we had moved to a different city and all sorts of stuff I though was important at the time was going on. About the only thing that wasn't going on was my marriage.

 

The one thing I so vividly remember when she told me the marriage was over were words to the effect that for her the marriage had ended 6 months ago and she had been planning this moment since then. She said she had shed her tears already.

 

I think it is very rare, in a relationship of any duration that one person decides to end it and does so in the space of the week.

[Zaphod]

I think it is very rare, in a relationship of any duration that one person decides to end it and does so in the space of the week.

 

Blimey - I've done that a few times before after long relationships. Either I'm completely fickle or I am quick in knowing my own mind.

 

Perhaps my problem is expecting other people to be like I am?

 

I don't UNDERSTAND her behaviour. That's because I'm not her, right?

 

I'm trying to bend my head round this.

[finewhine]

And even if you kept asking if it was OK, she could have been in denial that it was over.

 

I've been in your ex's shoes. There's a moment when you just know the relationship is over. Sometimes, especially when you love someone, you try to convince yourself that it isn't true. This can only hold up for so long.

[Zaphod]

You feel better now, and expect her to be in sync and reverse her decision to dump you, just because you're up now.

 

Very profound - thank you perhaps that's partly why I'm confused about it.

 

Bah - I've been thinking and all I feel like doing now is apologising to her for being well..... slack.

 

Which is funny because I was not feeling like that earlier - I was feeling a lot colder and almost hating her (not quite though in the proper sense of the word).

 

It's normal to swing between the two afterwards, right? I think I may have been here before.....

[Zaphod]

Funny isn't it - you've got the ball, you're not taking your eyes off it, then a flash goes off in the crowd and you drop it. Frustrating isn't it.

[Zaphod]

Hmmmm.... we have a mutual group of friends who I think she's been stuck to like glue since the split (understandably).

Thinking about the future I don't want to feel that I can't see them because she might be there - so far I have only spoken to them by phone and email, to allow her to lean on them (I have more family etc. etc. around me than she does) - which I thought was the gentlemanly thing to do. I'm happy to stay away for now, but I'm starting to kinda miss them a bit.

 

How will I go about this?

Just let myself eventually bump into her round their house sometime maybe months from now? I think this would be rather shocking for myself and her.

 

Speak to her at some point and try and get on better terms before this happens?

 

Stay away completely for a very long time from this group of friends/ try and engineer it so I only see them when she's not there (seems a bit silly).

 

Which option would you choose. If option 2 then how much NC first, and who contacts who?

[papalazarou]

It depends on your friends as well. If you arrange to see them and they know you and the ex are not seeing "eye to eye" then I am sure out of respect for your feelings (and the ex) they will see you whenever you want but maybe not both at the same time.

 

So you would not have to engineer anything, you will probably find they will do it for you!