True Colors

[Gunmetal]

How long does it take for a guy to show his true colors? I have been with my man 6 months and things are getting a little shaky. He is switching careers at the moment so is obviously stressed, but is it right to take it out on me? There is no abuse or whatever, but it feels as though we are at the 6 year mark (in a bad way) rather than 6 months.

 

Any musings would be much appreciated. He just fit so well at the beginning.

[Fisch]

Unfortunately the laws of initial attraction dont have all that much to do with who we really are, and some men are less afraid to show their true self than others. I would think that the average would be around 6 months for a full picture, but people are not math, and you have to use your feelings.

[anggrace]

It definatly takes a while to really get to know some one, the good and the ugly. There are going to be ups and downs in any relationship at some point. It sounds like your just having a down time being that he's so stressed.

[melrich]

I'd have said less than that, closer to 3 months (that is assuming he is not being who he is from the start).

 

I think most people can carry off being the person they think you wnat them to be for about 3 months but any longer and the cracks start to appear.

 

In his case it may just be the stress of the job thing though.

[Hayles]

Some times it's not so much about masking who we really are until our true colours shine through, perhaps this is the first very stressful situation he has been in, within the last 6 months where he has become anxious and irritable... Sometimes within 6 months you can both change and grow so much that you just don't fit so well any more... Have you talked with him about it? Have you told him the way is acting upsets you? That's obviously the first step. Someone once told me "if you let them get away with things in the beginning you're giving the green light for it to stay that way forever", it's true... If you sit back and accept this for another 6 months, hoping he will "change back" you are telling him it's okay to take his engst out on you... stomp on it straight up!! Good luck.

[Zaphod]

How long does it take for a guy to show his true colors? I have been with my man 6 months and things are getting a little shaky. He is switching careers at the moment so is obviously stressed, but is it right to take it out on me? There is no abuse or whatever, but it feels as though we are at the 6 year mark (in a bad way) rather than 6 months.

 

Any musings would be much appreciated. He just fit so well at the beginning.

 

My g/f dumped me weeks back I think something to do with me under some stress for some months. However - ironically she timed this to almost exactly conicide with some plans that I had been making for a while (that she knew about) - so what's happened is she's dumped me a split second before I became unstressed , so she never gave me a chance to show her what it's like when I'm unstressed.

 

I urge you to give him a chance if you think he will destress a bit as his job levels out. People can't help these life events, however if things even out for him in his new career and he is still being the same then maybe think it's him and not his situation.

 

It's up to you - how much chance you want to give him though. But don't be the poker player who raises and raises on four aces then folds right before the show.

 

That's from a man's point of view similar to that of the situaion of your boyfriend. I am 36 btw.

 

Your boyfriend can send me that tenner later lol

[Caterina]

I don't think you can ever truly know who someone is until you trust that you know who they are.

[Gunmetal]

Well, the thing I liked about our relationship is that we didnt play games with each other at the beginning. He came right out about how he felt about me (after being friends for a month or so) and we both admit that neither of us is perfect... For me, there wasnt really an 'infatuation' period, i just grew from being a good friend to what he called his 'everything'.

 

I'm not sure. A couple months ago he mentioned marriage. I'm not the kind of girl to want something like that so quickly, but i was surprised that i wasnt scared away. It didnt raise any red flags at the time, but perhaps it should have?

 

: /

 

He is also older, 29 vs 19. I am really busy with school and everything, while he has a 9-5 job, and is free quite a bit. He feels like he isnt a priority, and to be honest i really do put school first. Maybe he is giving me a bit of a cold shoulder to give me a taste? Sounds more like a 9 yr old than a 29 y/o...

[Zaphod]

I'm not sure. A couple months ago he mentioned marriage.

 

Well at the end of the day there's a difference between simply talking about it and actually doing it. Talk is cheap. Don't be too pressured. If he seriously wants to marry you, you'll know about it.

 

He is also older, 29 vs 19. I am really busy with school and everything, while he has a 9-5 job, and is free quite a bit. He feels like he isnt a priority, and to be honest i really do put school first. Maybe he is giving me a bit of a cold shoulder to give me a taste? Sounds more like a 9 yr old than a 29 y/o...

 

Can you not put him and school equal first? And if you put school first why should he not put his job first? See what I'm saying? Where do you expect yourself to come in his priority list?

 

You certainly do't want to risk anything in your schooling for him, however if you feel strongly for him then he is also an important part of your life. So long as you can run things without him actually getting in the way of the schooling I see no problem. Just because you go to school more than you see him, doesn't mean you can't prioritise them equally, if you are good at organising your time etc.

 

Also just because he's 29 doesn't put him above being slightly irrational in the name of love etc. etc.

[Gunmetal]

Lol i know. He can be very jealous too. He went through my belongings on several occasions in the past, and i now have a screen saver password on my laptop computer.

 

I want him to put his career first. Its what the future is based on, right? I don't see why he has to be irritable with me, though. I am in a very tough program where i get my work criticized all day, and at the end of it all no matter how badly i feel, if he calls/emails me I will present my best self. Not in a fake way, but just being considerate since he didnt cause my bad mood. I grew up watching my parents present their ugliest sides to each other at the end of each day, and i want my relationship to be different.

 

We are also having some difficulty with the physical aspect. I have been rejected quite a few times recently...okay alot. It makes me feel bad bc i am very physical and could easily go for 2x a day/night...especially since we only have weekends.

[Zaphod]

Lol i know. He can be very jealous too. He went through my belongings on several occasions in the past, and i now have a screen saver password on my laptop computer.

 

Ermm.... that's not good. Being tempted to look stuff up about you on the net and being generally busybody and nosy is one thing, but going through your belongings and making you feel like you have to password protect your computer is not healthy.

 

I want him to put his career first. Its what the future is based on, right?

Well the material future yes, but that's only part of it. Depends who you are and what your priorities are.

 

 

I don't see why he has to be irritable with me, though. I am in a very tough program where i get my work criticized all day, and at the end of it all no matter how badly i feel, if he calls/emails me I will present my best self. Not in a fake way, but just being considerate since he didnt cause my bad mood. I grew up watching my parents present their ugliest sides to each other at the end of each day, and i want my relationship to be different.

 

We are also having some difficulty with the physical aspect. I have been rejected quite a few times recently...okay alot. It makes me feel bad bc i am very physical and could easily go for 2x a day/night...especially since we only have weekends.

 

perhaps he can sense you always presenting your best self and even though it's not fake perhaps he thinks it is? Try him with your bad self, if he rejects it then obviously he can't cope with you like this - raising the question is he the man for you?

 

The physical thing - dunno. Could be his stress. 2 x day/night is pretty heavy if you're not feeling quite up to it due to stress or some other reason......

 

I'm not trying to say it's all up to you but I can only comment on what YOU should do seeing as he isn't here to present his side of the story.

 

I do think though that if he's pissed off at you, he should just tell you straight rather than beating around the bush trying to hint it.

[Caterina]

You have a pretty good head on your shoulders for a nineteen year old. Just remember that you should always be treated well.

[Mun]

Hello there.

It sounds to me like he is being quite a bit insecure with you and that could also have to do with rejecting you. That thing about going through your possessions is sending a big red flag. I'd say give him plenty of space...especially if he is being disrespectful--and he is.

 

You are smart to concentrate on your studies. Step back a bit and try to take a fresh look at the relationship you may find that you're not getting all that YOU need from it either.

[ghost69]

it sounds like he is falling out of the relationship. it is possible that he is rejecting you because he has been eyeing someone else. again, this is just possibility. he could also be so stressed that he doesn't want to do anything and is in a bad mood. i've never been so stressed though to deny the physicalness of a woman. usually stress helps with that.

 

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[Gunmetal]

It sounds to me like he is being quite a bit insecure with you and that could also have to do with rejecting you.

 

Interesting. He has expressed something like performace anxiety in the past, when I teased him about perhaps having a threesome one day if he was into that. He isnt, and doesnt want to share me even with another girl. So ghost, I am not worried about there being someone else, he is the type who would end it with me if I wasnt the one he was thinking about. He is just more of a cuddler, he loves to fall asleep spooning. He never turns that down. I wondered if it is partly bc he is older? But still, he's a guy

 

Yeah, its not great he went through my stuff. I'm really a private person. He did tell me that he has huge trust issues due to his past relationships. I have nothing bad to hide, so i worked past my feelings on the matter and instead am trying to find a way to prove that he can trust me. He really wants to, but we have disagreements about how much I am supposed to be talking to my male friends etc...it is one of our issues. It does hurt me, though.

 

We have a very realistic view of each other, since we were put in a very ugly situation quite soon after we got involved. Its my admiration of his reaction to that situation that made me love and respect him as deeply as i do.

 

Other than that, we only fight if we dont get enough time together.

 

I guess it is just the natural rhythm of a relationship. Its unrealistic to think that we will talk as much as possible all day for the rest of our lives I talked to him and reminded him it is a choice - whether or not we keep that initial spark. Since then, he has been emailing more often and being sweet like he used to be.

 

Maybe I should post over in the jeaousy section to see if theres anything to do to help him trust me.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

it sounds like you are at different life stages right now, and might have different priorities (him a cuddler, you wanting hot sex)... so there's no reason to rush to break up OR stay together, especially since you don't want to marry at this point...

 

he's either going to accept that and try to meet you halfway, or else you will drift further apart because you want different things right now, or have different personalities/sex drives etc.

[ghost69]

i think you will eventually get irritated not getting what you 'want'. his sexual needs not matching yours isn't healthy. this is a major part of any relationship. i don't care what anybody says about that. a lot of people would say it shouldn't matter if you love them enough. love includes everything. you can love a red corvette, but if you can't drive one, what is the point.

 

if you were hanging out with your guy friends just as much as when you two first met, he should have no say in you spending time with them now. i mean, yeah, you need to make time to be with your bf, but never give up your friends. i never have and they have always been there for me.

 

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[Gunmetal]

you can love a red corvette, but if you can't drive one, what is the point.

 

Good analogy, but i have the hots for black corvettes, and i made some changes in my life so that i could own and drive one around. Thats actually how I met this man, through club racing.

 

We were physically compatible at the beginning, but that was summer and neither of us had too much on our plates. And i forgot to mention, just cause I can do it 2x a night doesnt mean i need that much...its just that this has not been a problem in my past relationships.

 

He has a problem with my friends because we have a lot of the same friends. I am new to the area for school and I was friends with the whole group of them at first, before we became involved on a deeper level. I think part of it may be possessiveness in front of the guys? When he went through my computer, he was angry that some of them still hit on me and flirt. I don't take them seriously, though.

 

I just love him so much, and I'm having a hard time showing him that he really is the most important thing in my life, even though school is time consuming. I guess i take it for granted that he doesnt grade me or give me deadlines.

[Gunmetal]

Maybe I have too much of a -where there's a will there's a way- attitude here...

[ghost69]

where there's a will there's a way? i don't think this applies here but, i think your will is stronger than his in this relationship. i think you are giving more than you are getting. there are plenty of other great guys that can devote more time to you than you need and give it up and not be so jealous of you having male friends. i've had many gfs that all they hang out with was guys. i could care less. they have all known if anything happens between her and anybody else it is over.

 

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[Mun]

It can be really tough trying to convince someone you are not cheating on them when they are convinced that there is more going on....I feel for ya.

 

He was going through your computer!! Hun, I hope you set down some serious ground rules about your stuff to him at that point. He needs to respect your space and your privacy.

 

He still sounds a bit scary to me. I hate living on pins and needles and I hope you are having to do that.

 

If he is insecure then that is HIS issue, you shouldn't have to reassure him constantly that you are still his. I hope he is a really great guy worth all this trouble girl....

[ghost69]

i thought she just blocked her computer from him just in case.

 

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[Gunmetal]

No, he went through my laptop twice and my cellphone at least twice. I didn't get angry bc i thought i had nothing to hide...turned out he hates how i am in close contact with so many of my male friends...telling them about day to day stuff but also occasionally some deeper stuff. Is there something wrong with that?

 

So it was almost a relief when he told me he had gone through my things...I was thinking man, maybe now he'll trust me. Turned out he didnt like what he saw. And the dumb thing was that a month before, i had offered him passwords to my email/myspace stuff like that.

 

I mean i had some really close friendships before i met him. How do I handle that? I'm not gonna blow off my friends.

[ghost69]

no way, i don't blow off my friends. i never have and they have always been there for me. through all of the women i've been with.

 

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[Mun]

How does he feel about your female friends?