Cyprian Posted February 19, 2007 Share Posted February 19, 2007 I don't know if 19 days of NC is supposed to help in the slightest, but it really hasn't. Some days I feel more anger, some days I feel pity, but mostly I am just sad and alone. I miss her so much. She said, "I love you but you're like my best friend!" Some people say that when an EX dumps you but wants to remain friends, they are trying to slowly wean themselves off you. Others say that it shows they still "want you" in their life. In my case, we have such a deep connection, and she really felt that we would remain connected so deeply, (probably have casual sex) but that she wanted to be able to explore. She hasn't had any other partners her whole adult life, and whereas I do not feel the need to do so, she obviously does. When I told her not to contact me and that I wouldn't contact her, I am sure she was hurting...but I am POSITIVE that I am hurting more from it! I really just want to talk to her...she was the most interesting person around me and I love her so much. I go out to bars, meet people, hang out with friends, but none of it alleviates any of this pain. The people I see are not my type in the slightest (on a friend level even), and it is just more depressing. I feel like I have to move out of this city and start a new life, but there is so much holding me back here. I have no clue what to do... Link to comment
friscodj Posted February 19, 2007 Share Posted February 19, 2007 Cyp! In my experience, the grief does not start sinking it's teeth and talons into your tender and vulnerable heart until a week, 2 weeks or so after the split. That's when the actual impact of the action of the distance starts sinking in past the first stage of grief, which is denial. She is gone and she actually is. It takes a while to absorb the impact of this. That sounds to be what's happening for you here. You are moving forward here Cyp even though it doesn't feel like it. Aside from that, this situation is complicated on a few levels. The reality I see is that her feelings for you changed and she wants to do whatever she wants with whoever she wants however she wants. Once this happens, once the explorer no longer wants to live in the city and leaves the city, they don't come back, especially when this is the only city they've ever seen. They might visit, but they don't move back. My experience overwhelmingly surely tells me this. The complicated part is getting you to the point where this situation no longer bothers you. I think you need to really start digging into the guts of why you want to contact her. You say you are sad, lonely, you miss her, and you had such a deep connection. It sounds to me like more than anything you expect and want comfort from contacting her. It has also been my overwhelming experience that when you associate comfort from the same source that caused your pain, you are going to go in circles with your healing process and repeatedly set yourself back with each contact. If you both in your hearts wanted to be together but there was one or more reasons for the separation that you saw and realized during your time away and otherwise had a good thing going, then I would encourage you wholeheartedly to contact her. In this situation where I think you are seeking comfort in contact with her from your pain and anguish plus given the fact I feel she is gone, I think you should continue to do what you are doing right now by staying away. Your connection will still be there after your feelings here and perspective settle that can be nurtured through a true friendship void of ulterior motives later on. There is no substitute for time with this but you can expect the worst with this, expect this healing process to take a ridiculous amount of time so when you start to see your healing progressing (as it is now in the background and you will see this), the difference relative to your expectations will make you feel better and more hopeful. Link to comment
heloladies21 Posted February 19, 2007 Share Posted February 19, 2007 Just stay out of contact till your emotions cool to the point where you can handle the situation rationally. It'll happen eventually even if it doesn't seem so right now. Link to comment
Wandering_Sword Posted February 19, 2007 Share Posted February 19, 2007 Moving out of the city is a big decision. You've only been on NC for 19 days and on the grand scale of things it's not that long. So try not to make any big decisions yet, you're still deeply affected by the ex and the brain isn't functioning at full capacity because the heart is still calling the shots. Link to comment
cristal Posted February 19, 2007 Share Posted February 19, 2007 I have 3 months of No Contact - except for 2 times initiated by him and somedays, I felt as if I have pushed the rewind button back to day one. To me getting over someone somedays, appear to me as cruel and inhumane punishment. The one step forward 20 step backward rollercoaster ride of emotions, left me with the feeling that I might be trapped in the horrible pits of hell forever. Link to comment
Cyprian Posted March 20, 2007 Author Share Posted March 20, 2007 I feel the same right now as I did on day 1 and day 19...NC feels so wrong!! One month later...hah...I feel the worst pain I have ever felt in my whole life and probably will ever feel!! Link to comment
MasterT Posted March 20, 2007 Share Posted March 20, 2007 You'll pull through this... I know I have thus far. I felt like NC was very wrong for a long time... Now I realize that this is best thing I have ever done for myself... It's been a month and half since the breakup for me, and I didn't really notice it until a few days ago. I've been on NC for 25 days of that time, and I'm finally back to me again.... Actually, an even better me than I was before. Link to comment
Cyprian Posted March 20, 2007 Author Share Posted March 20, 2007 Its been about a month and a half for me as well, and its not getting any better. I feel so horrible all the time. I feel like I have lost interest in life itself...everything that used to bring me happiness no longer does. I feel like I am stuck and can't progress. I don't want to go to school any more, but I don't know what I want to do as a profession, and I just can't make any decisions now. I feel sick. Link to comment
bear12 Posted March 20, 2007 Share Posted March 20, 2007 cyprian, you're not alone. i feel your pain, but listen to me: don't contact her!!! i had done 3 1/2 weeks of NC (after two or so months of trying to "be friends") i wasn't doing great, but i was muddling through. then a few days ago i had a pressing need to talk to him.. i just couldn't get him out of my head and thought i'd feel better talking to him.. so i did. and it was WONDERFUL... i felt like i was floating on air when i was talking to him- the sound of his voice, hearing is laugh, laughing over inside jokes- we agreed that we probably shouldn't keep talking regularly b/c we weren't healed yet, but he said he missed me. he the dumper missed me!!! and you know what? now, four days after the conversation, i'm literally back to square one. i cry at the drop of a hat, i think about him constantly, i miss him terribly.. i thought it was bad before the contact, but now it's even worse.. and knowing he's missing me too is the worst- if he misses me so much why is he doing this to us? please, please, learn from my mistake and don't contact.. wait however long it takes until you're over it..even if that's a year. it's the best thing you can do for yourself. we can only hope that things will eventually get better, but we can't count on them to do it for us... Link to comment
Orlander Posted March 20, 2007 Share Posted March 20, 2007 Cyprian, no words of wisdom are going to ease your heart. There is only one thing that is going to help right now and that is time. If you want to have a direction in life, try to imagine what you want your life to be like and keep focusing on it. You will think about her less and less and you will find real joy in living again. You have to want it and that just takes time. Be patient. Orlander Link to comment
Cyprian Posted March 20, 2007 Author Share Posted March 20, 2007 The direction I want in my life: To have a nice house in a warm climate with a woman who loves me and who I love...someone exactly like my ex. I don't know what I want to do though, I don't know what I want to be or what to go to grad school for or learn some skill or trade or if I should go to school or just simply work in a cafe or something for a while...maybe thats what I should do until I sort my own personal problems out. Link to comment
kate111 Posted March 20, 2007 Share Posted March 20, 2007 I had a very intense relationship like this when I was 23 or so. In the end I thought of his more as a friend. I broke up with him and it took him ages to get over it. I broke his heart. But I NEVER forgot him. Even though I did my exploring and even fell in love again, I often think of him and know that in some ways we had to break up, but in others, yes, I was a fool. Just letting you know my experience from the other side. Link to comment
kekep Posted March 20, 2007 Share Posted March 20, 2007 yep, i've definitely been exactly where you are right now cyp. it hurts a helluva lot. everyone on this thread is right though, you have to give it more time and space in order to start feeling better. unfortunately the length of time it takes to get over a broken heart varies from person to person, so we can't tell you exactly when it will happen for you, only that it will. either you can prolong the hurt by staying in touch, or go cold turkey. personally, i'd recommend the latter. you have to trust in the people on here who know from experience; it really DOES get better. but that is why sticking to NC is so important. stay strong, cyp, you will get through this. Link to comment
Cyprian Posted March 20, 2007 Author Share Posted March 20, 2007 I think its going to take years for me to get over this...7 years together every minute of every single day, all day, never getting bored of each other...climaxing with a trip around the world and then study abroad for her = separation = allowed her to drift from me...7 years up, probably 7 years down... Link to comment
kate111 Posted March 20, 2007 Share Posted March 20, 2007 I think its going to take years for me to get over this...7 years together every minute of every single day, all day, never getting bored of each other...climaxing with a trip around the world and then study abroad for her = separation = allowed her to drift from me...7 years up, probably 7 years down... Accept that it is over for now at least and try to concentrate on you. Have you got some good self help books? Link to comment
Cyprian Posted March 20, 2007 Author Share Posted March 20, 2007 I have a bunch of books that I have been wanting to read (for fun). Now that I have all the time in the world, I haven't been able to get myself to read them. Instead I am reading this one book about relationships. I also have a book on grieving that I'll tap into once I am finished (or put down) this book. Link to comment
kate111 Posted March 20, 2007 Share Posted March 20, 2007 Make sure you exercise too. That's what I need to do too. I should take my own advice. Link to comment
Me and myself Posted March 20, 2007 Share Posted March 20, 2007 I think its going to take years for me to get over this...7 years together every minute of every single day, all day, never getting bored of each other...climaxing with a trip around the world and then study abroad for her = separation = allowed her to drift from me...7 years up, probably 7 years down... Cyprian, I had a relationship of 15 years....we were bf/gf for 7 years and we used to spend most of the day together...after, we lived together for 6 years...we went to live to another town, we went throught a lot of things together, some good, some really nasty...we had two children who are living with me...she cheated on me and I broke up with her...it was really really bad for me, I was really hurting but 4 years later I was completely over her...today I have contact with her just because we have our kids but everytime I see her I don't feel absolutely nothing. So, I understand what you are going throught but I can't do nothing more than identify with your situation and tell you that everything is is going to be allright, believe me! Link to comment
Cyprian Posted March 21, 2007 Author Share Posted March 21, 2007 Cyprian, I had a relationship of 15 years....we were bf/gf for 7 years and we used to spend most of the day together...after, we lived together for 6 years...we went to live to another town, we went throught a lot of things together, some good, some really nasty...we had two children who are living with me...she cheated on me and I broke up with her...it was really really bad for me, I was really hurting but 4 years later I was completely over her...today I have contact with her just because we have our kids but everytime I see her I don't feel absolutely nothing. So, I understand what you are going throught but I can't do nothing more than identify with your situation and tell you that everything is is going to be allright, believe me! Thank you for sharing your story. I'm sorry for what you've gone through, but I'm glad you shared, and you seem like your doing just fine. Link to comment
Me and myself Posted March 21, 2007 Share Posted March 21, 2007 Thank you for sharing your story. I'm sorry for what you've gone through, but I'm glad you shared, and you seem like your doing just fine. Yeah, I'm doing fine about this particular relationship...this happened 7 years ago and, as I've told you, I don't feel nothing about this girl anymore...but I don't feel the same about the last one. that's another story. Link to comment
Cyprian Posted March 21, 2007 Author Share Posted March 21, 2007 And a story that I can (and will) read through the threads you've posted. Sorry to hear that your going through rough times (again). Link to comment
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