Truly Hate Yourself

[DocHoliday]

I am posting this to find out if anyone else out there just truly hates themselves. I hate myself, and I don't know how I got this way. I have all these insecurities that I just beat my self up about. All I do everyday is criticize my self over and over and over again. Its so agonizing, and I have tryed to stop, somewhat. Its just seems so much easier to exploit my weaknesses, then to enhance my strengths.

 

I am pretty sure this came from my stresses of life that I have. I have a job that I work about 25-30 hours a week that really just takes it all out of me physically. I go to school full time on top of that, 6 hours a day, 5 days a week. I get about 4 hours of sleep every night. Besides being physically exhausted, I am also emotionaly exhausted because of myself. I stress about school, and about work, and about my non-existent social life. I have friends, but I never can hang out with them.

 

Have you ever thought to yourselves that once you get to a certain point in your life things will change for the better? I always keep thinking that and wind up worse off then I was. For example, I was always kinda down before I started school and had to much free time, and I just basically rotted away at my house. My best friend got a girl friend and is happily in love with her. I am so happy for them! But that meant that I didn't get to hang out with him as much. So I figured when school starts, my life will change in a good way. I will be moving into the next phase of my life and I will maybe meet a girl! Oh god was I wrong. My social life has been wiped off the planet, and I am going crazy. No having fun what so ever basically. I can't take it. I wish I had someone to come home to, so she could be there for me, and I for her. I really think it would make all the difference. But what do I know, I have never had a girl friend.

 

All in all, I feel dead inside. I don't show it though. If you knew me, you would never think twice that I felt this way. If a little shows through and people ask whats wrong, I tell them I am just tired. The truth never comes out because they would think I was a whiney little baby about how hard my life is. Sorry for this long rant. Honestly this thread was about something, but turned into me having a pity party. I am not an emo kid, I don't look like one, or even act like one. My mind is just over flowing with crap that I can't just get rid of.

 

Thanks for hearing me out.

[Newo Ikkin]

I heard you out, and am hearing you more than you realise.

 

I would suggest seeing a doctor, though. Honestly.

[Daddy Bear]

Dude, I did not see one single thing in your post that you should be hating yourself over. You're just burned out and overly self-critical, that's all I got from it. Come on, be a friend to yourself and not a hater. There is no downside to it.

[HellFrost666]

Stop being so hard on yourself! I think we all are more critical on ourselves then anyone else is. If you insist on feeling this way, remember the people around you probably don't agree.

 

And you are only 18. There is plenty of time for things to "change for the better." Your life is just starting. Relax.

[tmp0620]

That's really tough man. I can see how it would be hard to be working so much while also going to school. Do you really need to do both? Can you not ease up on the work somehow? You're putting yourself under a lot of pressure. You need some time for yourself. There's no reason for you to be hating yourself.

[musicguy]

I hate myself a lot *sigh*

[Daddy Bear]

??? Why are there so many good people who don't like themselves? Why doesn't it happen to jackholes instead?

[musicguy]

lol, I don't know because the jackholes are too confident in themselves to not see it

[Daddy Bear]

Yeah, seems like a bug in the system there, doesn't it?

[musicguy]

we need to fix that bug

[HellFrost666]

lol, I don't know because the jackholes are too confident in themselves to not see it

 

Most jackholes have twisted reasoning and they rationalize and justify being a jackhole. That is why they don't hate themselves, because they believe they are never wrong.

[musicguy]

dang jackholes

[CynicalGuitarist]

Yo, bro.

 

Don't feel bad about feeling bad. It's a part of life. I know how it is to hate yourself.

 

I know how it feels to build up a cathedral of positivity only to have it crushed by the nay-sayers. It can really drain the hell out've you. That's what happens to me often. Thus, I spend my time expecting the worse so if tish sucks, it won't be all that much of a shock.

 

I don't work, so I, personally don't have a whole lot of money to do the things I want in life. All I do with my life is go to school, sit at home on the computer, watch Family Guy, and play guitar & yell at videogames. Finding a job is a difficult (if not impossible for me) task because of the fact that I'm a short, ugly idiot with bi-polar tendecies.

 

It really is easy to give in to all the crapbags that people throw at you, but I think, due to the fact that there are so many people on earth that are unhappy with themselves, that there's some sort of social revolution that's gonna happen and all of us "losers" (to the jerk terminology) are finally gonna be able to pry ourselves off the ground and not take anymore tish. Perhaps it's just wishful thinking. Maybe I've seen "The Matrix" too many times in my life.

 

Anyways, thanks for sharing. Expressing yourself is definitely a lot better than bottling everything up (which is what I did for a long time). I wish for things to get better for ya.

[emit_remmus]

DocHoliday: I put myself in your position last semester and I know it what its like man. You have to list what you value more and prioritize that list. For instance, my list from high priority to low is this now:

1) SCHOOL

2) Friends

3) Extracurricular activites

4) work

 

I think of it in terms of the chance of doing something again. I can always work in my life and make money, but I this will be the only time in my life I'll get to truly experience college life, my friends, and participate in cool activities like caving and racing.

[astaro]

sadly enough decent people have a tendency to spend loads of time hurting

[DocHoliday]

Thanks for all the replies, this was definetly a blow-off steam thread. I was just so worked up last night, I just had to get it out. I just have those days every couple of months where the * * * * just built up and finally hit the fan.

 

As for the priority list suggestion, its a great idea. Heres my list:

 

1) School - I am attending a mechanic school to become an Automotive Tech. Its an all guy school pretty much with a couple girls (aka like 5, and they are kinda manly). So not having any girls to really hang out with is killing me too.

 

2) Work - Without work, I can't pay my bills. I have to work the hours I work, so I can get by every month. I am even getting a second job in a little bit.

 

3) Friends - They have to come after the first 2 because school is my career, and work is my income so I can have money to actually do stuff with them when I get the time.

 

4) Hobbies - I have a project car, and I have big plans for it. But without money, thats goin nowhere fast.

 

So yeah, basically it a viscious cycle I live in. And I am sure I am just gonna have to suck it up like I have been. Once school ends in 2008, it should get better...hopefully. I can't wait to have a normal life. And normal sleeping patterns.

[emit_remmus]

DO you live an expensive lifestyle? Is there anything you could do to simplify your life? The less money you spend the less you have to work.

 

For instance, I only spend my money on my bills:

$445 for rent

$50 for utilities

$100 for health insurance

$50 for credit card bills

$150 for car note

$120 for a month of groceries

$20 for a month of gas

Thats $785 a month.

[DocHoliday]

Lets see, I make an average of $375-$400 a paycheck.

 

Every first paycheck I pay a guy I know money for my project car.

$150

 

Every second paycheck I pay my bills.

$350

 

Gas every month.

$120 No Joke (I drive a Camaro, with a nice big V8 and no I won't sell it for a 1.2 L Honda gas saver. I bought the car for a reason, and thats because I love Camaro's)

 

Misc items. Deoderant, toothpaste, soap...

$25

 

Proactive.

$45

 

Food.

$50 Seriously (Mostly lunch at school and for food when I am out with friends)

 

So basically add this all up and you get $740. Now in a good month I could make $800-850. So basically I have $60-$100 left over. I know thats not a cause for concern, but I need back up money just incase something happens with my car, etc. You know, a cushion. Plus stuff comes up that I can't avoid. For example, had to buy new shoes the other day. $45 for my work shoes. But all of this fluctuates each month. I am really not trying to complain about my budget, but us comparing our budgets is like apples to oranges. We both lead different lifestyles. Thanks for the reply though!

 

And yes I know there is no rent in that list. I live with my dad still while I am attending school, and he has no problem with it.

[AhypnoticSuggestion]

I hate myself too, man.

 

Best thing I can point out about your life, is, at least you have a future planned out and you're hard working. You're not screwing around, like, oh.. lets say, ME. I make dirt for money each week, and that all goes towards drugs, food, and gas. Mostly drugs. My sleeping pattern is horrible too, and I definetly feel your pain. Some nights I don't even fall asleep. I'm in school as well, but at the moment I'm only taking one class twice a week. I have no clue what I want to do and feel horribly unsure and scared about my future. And ya, I hate a lot of things about myself and feel horrible inside, but never show it. The fact that I choose to hide it makes me feel even worse..and..whatever - I'll end it here.

 

*Sigh*..Well dude, you're not alone. Don't give up, and try not to lose hope. One can only wish that our boat, a boat filled with desperetly sad and bitter people trying to achieve happiness, will make it's way through the horrible storm it's seemed to have been caught up in; that the the violent waves will calm and we the sky will clear and we will finally be at peace with ourselves, as well as the world.

 

Good luck buddy.

[Cyberchick]

Hey there... I also have an extremely low self esteem and hate myself almost all the time. I feel like I'm incredibly selfish and don't know how to love. I also feel really dead inside and don't know how I got to be the way I am. I'd like to seek out therapy but it's really expensive. I have ocd and want to find a psychologist who will help me deal with it, but there aren't any in my city who will offer therapy on as sliding scale. I'm going to try self help books and see if that will help.

 

What I've learned is that you have to start thinking positively about yourself. At first, you don't believe any of the positive things you tell yourself because you have convinced yourself you are a bad person and you're used to running the negative talk through yoyr head. But I hear it's step 1: replacing negative self talk with positive ones.

 

There's a good book called Ten Days to Self Esteem by Dr. Burns. I have it and have given it a shot. I'm going to try it again.