Anyone have a good bit of advice?

[isisastaria]

Thanks for helping!

 

I am engaged and have been in a relationship with my fiancee for 3 years now. I talked to him about an old concern I had. It was porn. I don't want to be involved in it as a couple ( I have a child and we are both religious-by the way that doesn't mean judgemental). He had been looking at porn and admitted it.

We agreed he should bring his computer over to my place, so there wouldn't be worry or temptation. That seemed like a good idea. Now I'm like a rabid posessed animal trying to track everything he ever did on the computer. I also found in his email address book ( he gave me the psswd) a girl's email address that he met through an online dating site years ago. She had naked pics up on one of her profiles. It was gross. He said she was on there because she changed an email address and invited all her old contacts on her messenger to her new email address. She started talking to him one time and it automatically puts the person's email address in your email address book...

 

 

 

There have been a few other things he has lied about. I was hoping to build trust in our relationship, and now this. Can anyone give me some advice on how to start building trust again? He moved out a year ago after a long distance relationship. I have a ring, but feel lilke I can't trust him ... I have been extremely depressed and angry with him.

 

On the other hand, we share a lot of love and affection, and he is a great guy.....

[DN]

We agreed he should bring his computer over to my place, so there wouldn't be worry or temptation

I have to tell you that I think this was a huge mistake to do this - on his part. He is allowing you much more control over his life than you are entitled to and that is not healthy for your relationship.

 

Give him his computer back, apologise for being so controlling as to ask for it in the first place and realise that the lack of trust to this extent is far more about your insecurities than his behaviour.

 

A relationship based on this sort of distrust and control will not last. If you love him then you need to work out better ways to manage your relationship.

[isisastaria]

Maybe I wasn't clear...he suggested it...not I. He really wants to stop and thought that would be the best way to stop. But I DID agree to it.](*,)

 

Thank you for your insight. I will definitely consider the basis of your point.

[DN]

OK - but it is still not a good idea. He needs to learn more self-control if he wants to stop. Taking the computer merely means he won't watch porn on that computer not that he will stop watching it anywhere else. And now it is merely feeding your distrust rather than eliminating it.

 

You need to talk to find out why he finds it so important that he has so much difficulty giving it up even though he wants to.

[isisastaria]

Thank you for that. That makes a lot of sense. He is going away for a while as well and I have been deemed his "computer storage". His future absense is not working well with my heart, either....

[isisastaria]

 

 

I need as much feedback as possible!! Please ? I have lots of views and hardly any replies! Even if you just agree with the last post I would appreciate just knowing that.

Thank you!

[BeStrongBeHappy]

you said he has lied about other things... what has he lied about? is it small facesaving type little white lies to save face or try to not hurt someone else's feelings, or more troublesome lies that are really trustbusters?

 

i think you are obsessed with checking his computer because it gives you the illusion of control... i.e., if you are 'watching' him, then you can prove to yourself that everything is OK, or else catch him behaving badly and try to control that...

 

but electronics only give us the illusion of control.. if he is going to be unfaithful or pursue activities that make you uncomfortable, he can do it other ways than the computer at home. i.e., phone sex lines, or meeting people in bars, or lunchtime hookups, setting up another email account he accesses only at work, or fooling around on business trips etc.

 

i am not saying any of that to make you nervous or think he is doing that, but to help you understand that if someone really wants to cheat or behave badly, they have a million ways to do it, and checking his computer compulsively won't stop him.

 

so what can (and must) stop his bad behavior is HIM, not you. you can help him in lots of ways, not by policing him, but by talking to him about it, and why he feels compelled to do it, and ways to support him, but NOT control his activities. what you are doing now is a lot like an alcoholic asking his partner to hide the scotch. it just doesn't work, and is more enabling than helpful, because it takes the responsbility for his actions away from himself and places it on you.

 

if he has a sex addiction or other problem, then i think the best help for him would be some form of therapy and participation in groups that help people deal with that. but policing his computer won't change him any, just make you anxious...

[Shiva 2007]

from my own personal 5 years of lies experience and finally leading into a theft, I would recommend either counseling to get to the root of the matter, if he refuses to come with you this is A BIG RED FLEG, always trust your gut instict and pick up on the red flegs. Trust is everything in a relationship and once that is severred it takes a lot of work to rebuild, and if you have a child she or he can give you strength on making the right decision. Take the time you need and do some healing prior to making any decisions and if I were you I would seek a therapist who can help you let go of the hurt and anger. Be strong and don't give in to his lies.

[isisastaria]

THANK YOU!!!!

[Dako]

He gave you his computer not to micromanage his past mistakes and recycle them to destroy your trust, but so you'd help him avoid temptation. Unfortunately, DN is right.

 

Playing detective only gives you the illusion of control so you can trust without having faith in his honesty. If you need to track every small detail of his past to square it against his explanations, that's not trust, it's an interrogation.

 

He trusted you with his computer.

[isisastaria]

BeStrongBeHappy: He lied about having a profile up on a dating site a couple years ago. He lied about the porn. He lied about going to a single's group when he was away. He has withheld info about certain places he has been during a trip to another country. (don't know if he's guilty or just didn't want to worry me).

[talo]

I am wondering if you two have set up an interaction whereby you have 'strong beliefs' about 'how things should be' and his 'answer' to this is to not be open with you about what is actually going on in his life. Maybe he does not feel 'strong enough' or does not want to upset you, so he does not openly admit to what he is doing.

 

Is your willingness to find a way stronger than your dislike of porn... Perhaps he goes to porn to alleviate his unrequited feelings, and not just sexual ones... Is there really a willingness from both of you to come to an understanding....

[Gus Almighty]

This is my guys perspective comment.

 

He is a guy, and most guys are into online porn........I say this even though I am not...some guy I am right?

 

Dont be too irrational here, if he didnt want you to see any of that then he wouldnt have given you the pc right? Unless he was in fact wanting you to see it.....for good or bad reasons, but you are the one to judge that for yourself.

 

Long distance is hard, and maybe he was taking out his sexual frustrations in this way......he is a guy after all.

 

Talk Talk Talk Talk Talk is the only way to get over it in this situation, not ask people who are not familiar with you or he.

[Gus Almighty]

then afterward come back and ask us whatever you have for questions.

[isisastaria]

Okay...we've talked and talked about it. We found that my root fear has to do with being alone and abandoned. The whole issue, really...is that I found out he had been looking at online dating sites and my fear (not necessarily a fact), is that he would eventually leave me if it got bad enough.

 

I have been a young mother...left for another woman. I hope to never be in that sitiuation again. The very core of your survival is at stake at that point...you feel extremely vulnerable to ever really trust again. But most people have issues with trust. I don't care to be a victim or use excuses.

 

Fact is, that is my core fear. In addition, during a conversation about this issue, he began making comments he's never made before such as "I don't want to marry you now". Although he said it out of anger, it sat with me and added to my fears and insecurities.

 

Now he understands me and knows these things. I have stopped any sort of snooping or paranoia (thanks to you guys!) And now he knows the root of my paranoia...he has been reassuring me that he won't leave and has no desire to. We want children/a child. I don't want to be left alone to do everything ever again.

 

We have a pre-marital psychiatrist. He suggested instead of making this about him and his actions (which puts him on the defense...) I need to make this about MY emotions and insecurities so he understands i am not blaming him. I tried this last night and for the first time in a couple of months I woke up with peace.

 

I really think we have come to an understanding and It makes me so happy!

[Dako]

That sounds like a real breakthrough!

You seem like a mature person. I'm glad you two are working your way past these problems before taking the plunge.

[isisastaria]

 

Can you tell I'm beaming? THANK YOU DAKO!!!