Ex's behaviour: interested in what people think

[hjc]

Split up with my ex in August (her choice) and had a rough time of it. However went pretty much NC with the odd bit of contact (all initiated by her). She's got a new guy and in the whole of the 6+ months since then I've seen her once (at a mutual friend's party; with her new guy) and spoken to her once on the phone. All other contact by text/email.

 

For much of last year,she'd blow hot & cold; contact me to set up a time to meet and then after I'd suggest some dates, radio silence. She'd then come back to me again months later saying she had been busy etc. So I got fed up with this and gave up.

 

In Jan she then called me to see if I wanted to meet up. I was overseas so couldn't (and frankly having seen her with her new guy hit me hard so I didn't want to). So I'm doing NC and waiting until I feel ready to call her back (I thought about doing it last weekend, but in the end thought it would be too painful so didn't). We never got round to picking the stuff up that each of us had at the other's place (dumb but there ya go).

 

One evening this week I get a voicemail from her saying she's moving the next day and will be around for another hour if I want to come and pick up my stuff. If I don't she tells me that she'll leave my stuff in some vaults outside her place (basically a cupboard under the pavement; she had a basement appartment; which anyone can access. It's basically a communal vault which is left unlocked). By "stuff" I mean clothes, a TV and some other valuable items. I was too busy to return her call and certainly too busy to go that evening to get it.

 

I've just been over there and checked (on foot so couldn't carry the stuff) and she has left it there along with a load of things she no appears to no longer want (presumably assuming it'll be taken away by someone).

 

I'm stunned and livid about this. Yes the ball was in my court to make contact but you don't just decide to move house from one day to the next and I wouldn't dream of just leaving her stuff in an unlocked cupboard giving her one hour to collect it. I'm not calling her for now 'cos I'm worried I'll be unbelievably angry with her and say something I might regret later.

 

I suspect she's moving in with her new guy and thereforeeee didn't want to take my stuff to his...but I can't know for sure.

 

I'm posting this to get some perspective from others; am I right to be as angry as I am? Clearly I'm not quite over her (there is someone new on the scene whom I really want to be with so I'm not looking to get back with my ex) and that's impacting my view of things, but I can't believe she's done what she's done. Advice/comments welcome.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

i think sometimes when people break up they hold onto the other person's stuff (or won't go pick up their own) because it is the last connection left between them, and they think maybe sometime 'later' they can use the stuff as an excuse to meet up with the person. exchanging stuff just seems too final to them, especially if they are hoping to get back together, or not sure if the breakup was a good idea...

 

then when one partner has really moved on or made that decision that they will never go back, they abandon their own stuff and treat the other person's stuff like it doesn't matter anymore, just getting it out of their way... so it is not unusual for people to behave this way, sometimes they just throw the stuff away without even telling the other person, so at least she didn't do that, though she came close putting it in a public area.

 

but that is a reflection on how rude she is, she could have given you a bit more notice to pick it up, or put it in a locked storage with arrangement for you to get the key, or she could have shipped it to you, or brought it over etc. so she is basically being very clear that she is 'done' with things, but not in a nice way...

 

so you have a right to be angry, but unfortunately what she did is common behavior among exes, so best to always get your stuff within a few days of a breakup, no matter what, to prevent this kind of thing. i'm sorry she wasn't nicer about it, but at least you have closure knowing that it is really over with her behaving so cavalierly about your stuff...

[AwdreeHpburn]

Hey Hjc - I think its unbelievable rude as well.

 

I don't know what she's playing at or if she's intentionally playing games but it sounds to me like she's been a bit unsettled too.

 

Calling, texting, wanting to hook up, not following thru, moving quite suddenly...pretty erratic.

 

Perhaps she's not as moved on either.

 

Have you gotten your things yet?

 

My personal opinion on the matter is that you just not ring her rat all. Just let it be. Leave it alone. Really try to give yourself the distance. Focus on your new life.

 

Besides, I reckon she'll call you eventually anyway.

[jenny_mcs]

I can see it from both sides. She had your stuff for 6+ months, so maybe she assumed you didn't want it, or at the very least, that it wasn't important to you?

 

Anyways, it certainly would have been a lot more polite for her to give you a few days notice to come by and get the things.

 

Hope you were able to get your stuff, and maybe this will be the final "push" you need to completely get over her. Good luck.

[i1dr]

I would like to pass along one of the best jokes on this matter I've ever read. It made me smile that day, but I'm not putting it here as a joke, but rather because what it says in a humorous way has so much truth - and I think it has truth for you in your time right now.

 

"The best revenge when a man steals you wife is to let him keep her"

 

You dodged a bullet - and after you take the time alone to heal from this injustice you will be in a better shape to find someone that hopefully is really for you. She, by her crude behaviour obviously is not a person of merritt and so trite as it must sound you truly are better off in the long term that this happened sooner rather than much later.

[desertnomad]

I dont have much to add except that is a great quote there i1dr and it goes for any relationship.

 

If someone doesnt consider you special enough to stick with you why would you want them anyways?

[majord23]

I'm posting this to get some perspective from others; am I right to be as angry as I am? Clearly I'm not quite over her (there is someone new on the scene whom I really want to be with so I'm not looking to get back with my ex) and that's impacting my view of things, but I can't believe she's done what she's done. Advice/comments welcome.

 

You have every right to be angry hjc, what she did was unreasonable. The question remains whether you act on your anger, or let it go.

 

Personally, I'd have a very hard time not saying anything - but I'd wait a few days until I had calmed down. Then I would probably do it via email - and keep the tone 'down' but not angry.

Something along the lines of

"In future, if you find any items that belong to me, I'd appreciate more than one hours notice to retrieve them. I was extremely disappointed to find that you'd left it in a place as unsafe as you did. Quite frankly, the way you have dealt with this is completely unacceptable.

 

ps You can pick your things up from mine in 35 seconds, if you can't make it you'll find them at the bottom of the Thames."

[valenski]

i1dr, That was a good one.

Hey hjc,

I say let her keep that stuff/does what ever she wanted with it. If it were things you needed or ever wanted you would've retrieved them a long time age right?

[hjc]

Thanks gang; helpful as ever!

 

Personally, I'd have a very hard time not saying anything - but I'd wait a few days until I had calmed down. Then I would probably do it via email - and keep the tone 'down' but not angry.

 

Wow! Exactly my plan....drafting now and will send when I'm ready.

 

Stuff not collected yet;doing it when I have time....tomorrow probably!

[PrincessDiana]

That is an interesting take on "belongings". I was wondering the same thing about my situation. My 7 year relationship ended this past 11.28. He ended it when I returned to my home to see my Dr's in IL, (he is in PA) as I was suffering with rapid heart rate (turned out to be anxiety issues). He ended it with an email the day after I got out of the hospital and he gave me no reason why. He just wrote that he was left with no words as what is there left to say when it is over. I have since found out he was betraying me with a 28 yr old (he is 42...I am 47) married mother with an addiction problem that he had hired to work for him. He does not know that I know this. On Dec 7th he sent the first shipment of my clothes. He sent an email notifying me. On Dec 14th or so another shipment arrived but he did not let me know it was coming. I was not home and the stuff sat on my driveway for I am not sure how long. He sent items from my bathroom etc but he sent none of my valuables. He also kept my 2 rare fragrances but sent other items that were glass. I had some extremely valuable items at his home. Items with significant historical value as well as monetary value. I also had a laptop, and other expensive items. I did not hear from him for weeks so once I learned he had been cheating and that there was no way I'd ever reconcile, I emailed him h a detailed list of what I wanted back (I did not list ALL that I had bought for our life together, just those things that meant the most to me, including my video camera and the tapes I made of our vacations etc together.) I told him I'd like to close this out by year end so I could start the new year with a clean slate. He wrote back and said I'd have the remaining items in a week or so. He did send back everything on my list with the exception of 3 things. And I am puzzled why he did not send all on the list! He kept the video camera and the tapes, my bike, and a wireless router. Why would he not send everything I requested if he wants me out of his life completely? I have been good with NC only two emails since he broke off. One to say I was returning his keys and another one with my list of things I want back. Other than that he has not heard from me but it is tearing me up that he is holding my things. The bike he has to see everytime he goes in his garage......this is all so baffling to me.

[hjc]

OK gang quick update. Went over there today to collect my stuff. Door to the vault is wide open and there is now a whole load more junk there (empty boxes, black sacks). So I fight my way past all that and find my "stuff"; a box and 3 bags. To be fair to my ex, she had packaged it up as best she could, but it was clearly a quick "dump it and run" (not unlike me ) job.

 

So I collect what I can obviously see is mine and then leave. Slightly tearful car journey home as I reflect on everything...but I play loud music and drive a bit faster than I should and all is well in my head again.

 

Have now unpacked all the things...most of which were "oh I wondered where that had got to" items. And I'm integrating them back into their rightful places and feeling OK about it. I'm sure there are things missing; stuff which she's either not realised is mine or is misappropriating (or assuming is hers) but I'll let that go. In the meantime I'm scouring my place for her stuff and collecting it all together.

 

I then decide I am sooo angry with what she's done that I am going to email her and tell her. Which I did. I wrote it, re-wrote it and re-wrote it until I think it is clear but not overly rude and also makes it clear that I want to try to keep things civil going forward but that I am very disappointed by what she did. All quite cathartic. Probably reduced the likelihood of short term communication from her, but given I'm doing NC anyhow, no bad thing.

 

So there we go...thanks for all the help. I still don't get why she did what she did, but I've told her what I think about it and I've got (most of) my stuff back without too many tears.

[hjc]

Email sent and after a while a major apology received. I then told her I wanted her to know but regarded the matter as closed.

 

Since then we've been feeling our way through a civilised conversation and she's coming round later this week to collect her stuff and have a drink. I have no idea what is going on inside my head but at least the incident didn't turn unpleasant.

 

Thanks for all the advice from everyone here; I feel much better now.

[majord23]

Email sent and after a while a major apology received. I then told her I wanted her to know but regarded the matter as closed.

 

Since then we've been feeling our way through a civilised conversation and she's coming round later this week to collect her stuff and have a drink. I have no idea what is going on inside my head but at least the incident didn't turn unpleasant.

 

Thanks for all the advice from everyone here; I feel much better now.

 

Good to hear hjc.

I think it's sometimes very hard to 'make a stand' against someone, particularly when we have looked at that person through rose-coloured glasses for so long.

 

You did so though mate...and it probably took her a bit by surprise.

 

ps It didn't turn unpleasant because you didn't *allow* it to mate - you told her that she was out of order, she apologised and then you announced that the matter was closed. No blowing it out of proportion or using it as a catalyst to unleash some of the frustration you may have felt with her in the past. Give yourself some credit

[hjc]

Thanks MajorD!

 

With hindsight I am sooo pleased with how I dealt with this; not telling her would've been wrong, as would a "hellfire and damnation" approach. I found a way to tell her I was seriously angry, but then didn't let that fester and moved on. I managed to retain the moral high ground whilst venting my anger.

 

Anyway, a quick update (incase any of you care!); my ex came round tonight to get the rest of her stuff which i had got ready (all sorted nicely in bags ready to go). She didn't want some of it, so I am taking that stuff to a charity recylcing place along with some of my clothes this weekend. Which I think is nice and the right thing to do.

 

I set out with the objective of not mentioning what had happened (it came up in passing but I always told her that I saw no need to discuss it and considered the matter closed) and succeeded. I kept the conversation light, updated her on my life and listened to what she'd been up to.

 

In terms of relationships; I talked about dating nightmares but didn't discuss other halves or partners. She stayed for around an hour and a half and frankly after an awkward first few minutes it was really fun and we just enjoyed each others company. I have no idea what is going on in my head right now (beyond the fact that I feel really good about how I dealt with the situation) except to say that I am clearly still attracted to her....but that said, I am also really focussed on the girl I am currently dating.

 

Conclusions? Right decision to be the bigger person and forgive and move on. I think I am completley blindsiding her at the moment; she expects anger and resentment and gets nothing of the sort. Equally no attempt to flirt or get her back; I am just having fun and being confident. I think perversely I want her to want to come back but equally being petrified if that happens...but I also want things to work out with the new girl....and if it comes to both then I think the new one will get her chance...

 

I feel surprisingly good. Thanks for reading this!

[kate111]

Well done HJC.

 

Not sure I could have handled things so well.